DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

From someone who was in the same situation as you can I beg you to get up. Get back in your bed with your husband. Apologies for the huff and agree to work on this with him.

Sleeping in separate beds just widens the chasm . Feels good for you because it lessens the guilt.. you can't see how upset he is by this ... but honestly separate beds IF you love him and want to get the marriage back on track then you need to make an effort. I'm not saying jump his bones but give him a cuddle and make him feel wanted with a promise to work on it.

Wish someone had had a stern word with me. He divorced me. I loved him but was phenomenally selfish. he was a really good man and all these years later is still a fantastic father. .. but he has been happily remarried for many years - which really was my loss and he's gain.

My mother tried. She said the same as many others . Few women feel like it after child birth and young kids but if you want your marriage to work you e got to get back on that horse.. until you love riding again.. (I think the new phrase is fake it till you make it !)

Thank you @jennynotfromtheblock for your kind words.

I would have a blood test to check for any deficiencies, hormonal imbalances. I would then go to counselling. I haven't been horny either in truth it's because my DH wasn't turning me on he was just expecting sex instead of working up to it. I missed being seduced we went to a wedding recently DH got very pissed and started dancing with me gyrating. Twirling round the room, touching me. It was very hot we then had very passionate sex. It wasn't me having low libido it's because DH wasn't firing it up 🤣🤣

3 times I have used the pill as a contraceptive and each time my libido vanished. Stopped the pill, back to normal. If you are using a hormone based contraceptive it might be worth considering an alternative

Sorry TMI but can’t you just jerk him off? Would he be happy with that? I don’t have a high sex drive so I just do that most nights

If you have counselling @Pumpkinspicedmum then don't let anyone pressurize you into sex you don't want. Sometimes 'sex therapy' can be all about trying to get women to do things they don't want to do.

It seems to me that there's a lot of pressure on, and stress. That has to be one of the least sexy things in this world.

I had a really low libido with one of my exes, but it didn't help that he was 'expecting' sex from me whenever I saw him (so I used to avoid seeing him TBH.) He even said 'I deserve it.'

Eugh mine takes ages doing that hopping on is much faster 🤣🤣🤣

With regards to the open marriage, I am not completely against the idea and will give it some consideration. Like you all say, it does come with the risk of falling in love and that would be hard.

I think you’re doing the right thing by trying time alone and time alone together, as well as seeing the GP. I think counselling would be a good idea, but maybe start with counselling for just yourself before going as a couple.

If you really do want to consider an open marriage down the line, then I suggest reading something like the Ethical Slut,because there are many different ways of having an open relationship and if you were to agree to it, you need to be sure you’re agreeing to the same thing and where your personal boundaries and hard lines are, and how to renegotiate over time and hiw to deal with issues that come up, be it feelings for another or logustics or whstever else. BUT, I don't think you're there yet, because he clearly wants to try and make it work with you, and he sounds like a good man, so don't agree to it unless itit'really what you want, and i think you need to work through the other things before you know what that really is.

I just go on my phone whilst I’m doing it and watch YouTube I barely notice I’m doing it 🤣

Are you taking birth control? That really affected my libido. Before you get counselling you could go to the drs and they could help you work out what is wrong. It could be a thyroid issue, hormone imbalance or a side effect of medication.

Raising 2 young children can kill your sex drive. Is there anyone who can occasionally watch them while you have some time alone? Do the things you used to enjoy together before the children.

He's decent. A lesser man would have cheated a long time ago. He clearly loves you, don't take that for granted.

DH's last two previous girlfriends before me were stunningly beautiful with perfect bodies

Well, they were teenagers (going by your ages in your OP) - so you shouldn't be comparing yourself to them.

He clearly loves you, it wasn't easy for him to approach you about this.
Good luck with the counselling.

The only thing I have to say is I think this man is a good man and really loves you very much.

Others have and will continue to post all kinds of advice. But I think you are a good person and can sort this out with him.

He was 16 when you met, he can’t have had an enormous amount of time with his previous girlfriends and he chose you.

Sorry but this has made me laugh so hard my bad is actually shaking {2:11am} 😂👌

Edit..Bed not bad.

''Gyrating'' ..😂
Fair play!

@Miss03852 do you really go on your phone while you're jerking him off? Doesn't that put him off?
But yes, op, I think it's a good idea to jerk him off sometimes, it seems like the generous thing to do imo

I was in your position 2 years ago. 2 young kids, lack of libido, lovely husband but clearly frustrated with the lack of sex and intimacy.

For me I realised I was suffering from anixety/depression and after talking to the GP and starting antidepressants I started to feel happier in myself. From then I realised I was doing the majority of the night wakings, the majority of the housework and childcare and working full time. When I explained I was exhausted and touched out and didn't have any desire to be with him when I felt like that, he really stepped up, it was somewhat laziness on his part and also my anxiety had control over everything so he felt he couldn't step in without me being snappy about it.

We then worked on us, not sex to start with, more kisses and cuddles, more time just touching, then very boringly we scheduled sex, to start with once a week, Saturday was sex day 😂, but it worked. Regular day to day intimacy and getting back into a regular sex habit even if I didn't feel like it immediately it soon changed when I got into it. We are now generally a few times a week but if things get busy, I get overwhelmed, whatever and a week or two goes by, we schedule it in again and it works great for us.

Talk to him. Talk to your GP. Be really really honest with yourself about why it is or what you need to get the intimacy back in your relationship.

Women’s health especially sexual health sadly is still something that has to be fought for.
Hormones, thyroid, endocrine issues dictate so much & you’re right to not want it to be made psychological or psychosexual when it could well be a physical health issue first & foremost.
I do think your DH is being reasonable though for expressing his feelings rather than taking the other route & think he deserves, as your life partner your engaging with this & taking it seriously. Good luck.

This is quite sad to read.

I think, even if your libido was magically sorted out tomorrow, some counseling for yourself might be a good idea. Because this isn’t a good way to be thinking about yourself (and really isn’t backed up by the situation even as you describe it here).

Good luck OP.

Op I hear everything you’re saying about your DH, past girlfriends all being stunning and how you are, in your own mind comparing yourself to them. I would suggest that maybe where you need to look at why you have lost your libido over the last few years. Absolutely I’m not saying that’s the only reason, hormones, underlying health issues, relationship issues all have a part to play. You say you are already feeling a bit inadequate. It’s impossible to feel sexy and desirable at the same time as feeling inadequate. I would def try talking to someone together as this is not a ‘you’ or ‘him’ problem, it’s ‘your’ problem.
How do you feel about him? Are you sexually attracted to him, but just don’t actually want to do the physical sex. Do you love him, I might be way off, but you don’t refer to him with any real emotion. It’s not a criticism. It truly sucks.I feel for both of you. I am where you are. It’s awful to feel that you’re not fulfilling what society expects from a marriage (a healthy sex life)and it’s hard not to feel defensive when challenged. That said I 100% agree with all Pp that have said your DH is acting very respectfully and is obviously trying desperately hard to find a solution for both of you , there are an untold amount of men that would have just taken the easy way out and found an OW. Hope you find a solution that works for you

While I understand having low self esteem I feel like the previous girlfriend thing is somewhat of a handy excuse for you. being in a sexless marriage when you don’t want to be and your OH refuses to do anything about it is a soul destroying place to be. Go to the dr, get yourself checked out and then be really honest with each other about what is really going on

Would you be comfortable talking to your GP? There may be something awry physically that could be treated.