DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Talking about sex on MN never ends well and I've always wondered why. Sex is such a heavily charged subject matter on this forum. I keep hearing "What works for me should work for everybody" or " I like chocolate ice cream, it's the norm and anyone who picks another flavour is just wrong". projecting themselves and Judging others seems to be everyones favourite hobby here. Libidos, open marriages, BDSM, sex work, fuck buddies, porn etc... etc...are all fun things that have a very very poor reputation on this forum. MN feels a little bit like a nunnery honestly.

So boring.

The OP’s DH sounds eminently sensible and decent

So decent that he's said he wants to go off and shag people other than the wife to whom he made vows.

And the wife is so decent that she doesn’t want to shag anyone including the man she made vows to and expects him to be happy with that.

Isn’t it funny when the argument is in their favour we understand them perfectly fine but the second it isn’t going their way the narrative has suddenly changed and we are just misinterpreting them horribly. Very convenient. lol

@Sandra1984 ! GASP! This post suggests that you’ve done anything other than… sucks the air vanilla sex! My God you cow! You need to get off mumsnet right away we won’t be having that! No one is allowed chocolate or sprinkles ice cream around here. Everything is uniform. Panty police all around. Speaking of panties only traditional white granny panties are acceptable. Yes we will be checking up your skirts on a regular basis. We can’t be having any unacceptable joys or privileges celebrated by grown consenting adult people. Put the wooden spoons down this instant! There’s no hanky panky in this town. That behaviour is only acceptable between age 18 and the birth of your first child and even then it is questionable! 😂😂😂

Disclaimer: In case it was not clear… this post is in jest.

Falls of the chair 🤣😂🤣

The people thinking going off the shag others in marriage is completely f wrong aren't saying he's in the wrong for needing intimacy per say.just not by cheating! If it's his deal breaker you split.break up.the marriage is NOT working.

I see your point but I see it as the last ditch effort to resolve the marriage even if it was a piss poor attempt. It is the cry of a desperate hollow man with nothing left to lose. I really do feel bad for him. I’m not at all defending the open marriage proposal. I’m more just out off by the way OP blew him off the first time he offered counseling.

I think if u suggest open marriage you've lost all my sympathies.i get it.i get his pain.but to go there at any point I think just about destroys anything between them.and actually destroys his wife's confidencecompletely which is the key and the problem! And this suggestion has nothing to do with loving,repairing or wanting to be with a marriage oe his wife.

I think if u suggest open marriage you've lost all my sympathies.

I don't. I think if you've got a problem, it's worth thinking about all possible solutions, even if some are absurd and unworkable - it at least indicates a willingness to think around a variety of solutions and come at it from all angles.

The OP said that it's not something her DH is actually keen on - but it has prompted her to start this thread and think about what she wants to do, and they're now going to go to Relate and have a child-free weekend away together, so in that sense, the suggestion has worked in that it's shifted things from where they were and got the OP to recognise the current situation can't last forever for the marriage to last.

As outraged as people are for him saying it that, it acted like a circuit breaker out of the stalemate/complacency in their marriage. They finally are moving into a mode of changing things and working on their relationship.

There is a lot of lack of forgiveness on here, I have been happily married a long time and I can’t imagine being with someone who immediately uses a crisis moment to throw in the towel. When people are desperate and unhappy they can say things they don’t mean and don’t want.

Just wow.

He said that but also said to her about counselling. Obviously he loves his wife to open up to her many don't.

What is happening with them now is very good. Going to relate and weekend away.

I think, even if things seem to be working out, you'd always be wondering if he really wanted to shag someone else.

Don't be so fucking ridiculous. Of course there may be a way back but only if the op is willing to talk openly and honestly ( and not go off in a huff) . Therapy might help.

I have been married for 20 years and DH and I have had to negotiate very different libidos and periods of less and more sex. It isn't impossible to work out at all, though both partners have to want to be together and to find a way forward

Oops wrong thread 🙈

Honestly op. It really feels like with your 'plan' you are just trying to buy yourself some more sex free time... you've basically got him to agree to another year of a sexless marriage.

I honestly think yr both should separate now, you are just incompatible and there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex and likewise he is entitled to want a sexual relationship with his partner.
This is just death by a thousand papercuts.

@Crazycrazylady

What you think really doesn't matter or like to assume also.

They are going to relate and they will go away for weekend. Her husband has been totally honest.
They both are communicating and come up with what may help their marriage.

No marriage is over until you explore all different ways to save it.

They both still really love each other and sorry if this upsets people pushing for a messy a break up on MN.

I think before the OP starts to talk to her husband about anything she should ask herself some tough questions. The first should be "what am I getting from this relationship?".

The other important question to consider when asked for an open relationship is “who is she ?”

More like, what is the OP's husband getting from the relationship!

@Macaroni46
Well that too but that's for him to decide.

They both seem fairly miserable and I'm not sure the issue is sex. There seems to be a fundamental unwillingness to communicate. So what's the point?

Fair point about the lack of communication and that quite likely there are deeper issues.

You have a GEM of a husband, the decent guys we all dream off. He had many opportunities to stray, but he wants to work at your marriage. Please please do everything you can to save your marriage. If sex is no longer important to you, then you won't meet another man to have a long term relationship who will put up with it. You have a great man.