November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

Thanks @wayfarer46 for sharing your letter. It was so sad to read and it must have been difficult to write.

Have they responded? Have you thought about what would happen if they didn't respond? If they ignored it completely? If they denied everything? If they disagreed with you? If they used it against you?

@Hardpillow - well done on going NC for a year.

You wrote:
'I've tried talking to her many times before but she never understands what I'm feeling, it'd be very inconvenient if she did as she'd have to take some responsibility.'

It sounds to me that there will be no change if her first message to you was 'let me know when you are ready to talk', rather than acknowledging your feelings and what she has done. After all - you tried before and it didn't work .... so what makes things different now?

I do think that what Atilla says here ... "What your mother wants from you is a response; that to her is the reward. She is not interested in hearing your side of things at all and wants to use this meet up as another way of punishing you" is spot on. She may also use the opportunity to provide all sorts of flimsy excuses rather than apologise or make any amends.

I'm NC with my DF and DSis and very very low contact (no visits just occasional messages) with DM for 6 months. Now and again my DM will send me messages banging on about much she loves me and thinks of me. If I ever respond, she just sends more of the same .... but she will never ever acknowledge the hurt that she and my FOO have caused nor apologise for anything. I think she misses me as her scapegoat and whipping boy, and not as her DD.

Stay strong - you are doing the right thing.

I had to find out the hard way to do this when my toxic FOO after the awful way they acted when my DS died suddenly.

Hi all!

It has been exactly a month of NC with my DM and if the first two weeks I was recovering from the ordeal and sleeping a lot and talking to a counsellor, then the next two weeks I felt ok and almost back to my normal self, this week I am struggling with guilt and "if onlys" - thinking that if only I did not react or turned the conversation into a joke or ignored her - we might still be on speaking terms or LC. She is in her 80-s and i do worry about her and how she will cope in her age!

The counsellor told me to raise the following if DM starts her blaming litany: "to list things that upset me, asking her to validate her claims that I am a bad daughter who mistreats her"

But I do not think this is right and will lead to even more arguments.

I am not ready to talk to my DM but I do worry about her and it is eating me up!

@MyFragility I'm sorry to read about the passing of your ds. I can't imagine what you're going through. Thank you for your reply.

I think they do miss the scapegoat.

@neverhaveto Atilla gave me some really good advice in a previous post. Maybe worth a read. It's about being your own best friend and treating yourself as you would someone else.

Never really known if this thread was right for me or not.

Brought up by both parents, holidays, lots of love.

My dad has always been quite emotionally cruel. But equally quite loving.

I have quite low self esteem and never feel that what I do is enough. Aside from my mum who sadly died the adults in my life have been quite critical.

My dad never says he loves me or is proud of me (only behind my back to others), he is astranged from a couple of other family members, if I'm doing well tends to put me down.

For example if I'm going away, 'youre rolling in money aren't you?'

If I get upset he always says he is joking and I'm just being sensitive. But I always have felt on eggshells around him.

Thank you @Hardpillow , yes, I need to remind myself to be my best friend. I kind of soo used to putting her needs first and forgetting about mine!

@JamSandle always trust your instincts you feel what you feel.

Here at Monkey Towers, I'm absolutely dreading Xmas with the vile MIL aka The Hag and her fucked up disabled Slave Son. To limit exposure they are coming here for Xmas Day lunch. FOR THE DAY ONLY. It will be later on as both go to bed early, I will dose them with wine (and myself), we’re not doing multiple courses, and hopefully we can get them out of the house in a couple of hours and then we fuck off to my sane mum’s on Boxing Day. Normally, about now she starts griping about Xmas, but not this year. Perhaps, she realises she was absolutely vile at Xmas last year at my mum’s house. Six weeks to go.

I think you’ve made so many changes and boundaries throughout this year , she knows shes on thin ice and will tiptoe Christmas Day. Think she may be still tempted to get the odd sly dig in tho . If she does I’d say to her , infront of others ‘ listen pet, any more sly digs like that and you’ll be Xmas dining for two from now on and me and your wonderful son will having fun and our dinner made at my mothers ‘ big smile …… it’s such a shame your dreading it , hope it’s not as bad as your thinking .

That last message was ment for MonkeyfromManchester

Hi @Ydkiml thsnk you! My mum gives her pretty short shrift so I can imagine that will be the case on Xmas Day. They are not staying here more than a couple of hours. Slave Son will want to get away to his mates in the pub so that puts a convenient limit on it. Wish me luck!

Mr Monkey had a brilliant breakthrough yesterday after the witch phoned him SEVEN times at work.

One call after another about cock all ranging from

• my medicine won't arrive - Mr Monkey sorted out a delivery of medicine from a local chemist, they arrive without fail every Thursday
• Some rant about a letter from the local authority informing her of the change to the care provider of her carers. MM reassures her it's nothing to worry about Hag: you don't know what it’s like. These are the three care calls that she needs but finds the energy to complain about.
• Some other rant which included “I'm going to throw myself off the roof” IF ONLY.
• I'm lonely. MM just ignores this crap now. She has options but it's better in Hag World to suffer and guilt trip everyone. It's stopped working

He felt he needed to apologise to his colleagues as it's a tiny office and there is nowhere to take a call. It's a hugely busy front line charity where his work is important. Her calls stress him out and it's embarrassing.

He came home after the day from hell, and announced that he is turning his mobile off at work from now on.

He will give me his work mobile mobile number for any emergency relating to me or my family. He's not giving it to Slave Son as Hag will bully it out of him.

He's not going to tell her about the new regime as she will kick off.

She’s blocked on my mobile as is Slave Son and I've deleted her and his numbers. I will not answer the landline, she stopped ringing that last year.

Slave Son gets phone calls about exactly the same shit so he can deal with it all. He's given up his life to end up as her defacto husband so he can carry on as normal.

She has one of those alarm pendants so she will be fine. She had a “fall” when I was away earlier in the year which I think was supposed to lever MM to have her here. It did not work.

I cannot believe the levels of entitlement and selfishness the c**t has. I'm so glad I've checked out of the whole situation. Mr Monkey is increasingly doing the same.

He reflected over several bottles of wine that she's angry because we refuse to have her live here. AS FUCKING IF.

Hi,

I am a long term reader of this thread and it has helped me enormously. I have been NC with my in-laws seven years this week. After 25 years of upset and dysfunction that you all know to well I wanted to post from the other side and tell you life is good NC and peace can be found.

My life is peaceful and mainly conflict free, we are no longer dealing with mil horrific behaviour and it being enabled by fil.we are no longer arguing constantly and feeling hurt and upset.

I did do the letter explaining why I was going NC but I never got a reply. For years I thought they would understand,see my point of view. However these people don't,they are eternal victims despite their off the scale bad behaviour. I thought wrongly because they were educated,reasonable people they would understand. Don't waste your time trying,let yourself be labelled the bad,trouble maker,their opinion means nothing.

Draw a line under it and go NC, don't allow your life to be wrecked by these people,because they do destroy it.

In the seven years our marriage has greatly proved and we just bicker about normal things. It is peaceful and my thoughts are not dominated by my kids being rejected or used as pawns. Life is good on the other side.

Thankyou as ever to the wise Attila who always gives calm sensible advice, and love to you all as I know it's not easy xxxx

Hello, I wonder if I can post here. Long time lurker but first post. Today I've decided to go no contact. I have so many different feelings inside about this decision. I am fearful mostly. I fear they will try and demand access to my children. I think they could get nasty and malicious. I hope everything is going to work out. I guess in my heart I know that I can't change them. The only thing I can change is my own actions - going no contact - so they can no longer hurt me. I'm done being the scapegoat. So so done. I hope one day I can look back at my first post here and be in a different place mentally with it all .... free and at peace. Hugs to anyone reading this and needing one x

To mum,
I'm writing this here. You won't read it, I know but felt the need to put the words out there regardless. You'll never hear from me again. Ive blocked you and all our relations because I know to truly be no contact with u this has to be the way. I'm sad about it. But it has to be done. You'll never change and I can't be the person you want me to be. So here we are.
It's important I tell you this:- I won't miss you when you've 'gone'. You truly think I will. But I promise, every cell in my body knows, that I WILL NOT MISS YOU WHEN YOUVE GONE. I've tried really hard to understand you. Understand why you did the things you did to me. The things you didn't do and should of done. I understand nobody is perfect. But you know what really blows my mind is that you can tell me oh so clearly all the ways in which your mother wronged you and yet you do all the exact same things to me and cannot/will not see it. It makes my mind boggle!!! Mum, you don't know me. You think you do but you don't have a clue. I've tried speaking to you in person about the things you have done to me. And I'm met with silence. I'm still unsure why this is how you respond, yet accept that I will never know. I hate the way youre completely unable to take responsibility for your actions and inactions. I would forgive you if you could just find it in yourself to be sorry....but you can't. That hurts me deeply in a way I can't articulate.

I want to end by thanking you mum. Thank you for the good times. We did have some. Thank you for giving me a blue print of how not to mother. I love you mum but I'm checking out now. Goodbye.

Hi everyone. I hope you're well.

I sit here writing this whilst crying through sadness for me and my Dsis.
She has recently gone NC with our parents. She finally had enough and told them some home truths to our upbringing.
I'm still in contact with them.
Me and Dsis have been talking tonight. We have always got along. However our upbringing has always been an elephant in the room and never discussed between us until tonight. Some of the stuff she's telling me I never knew. Eg. Our dad dragging her to pubs and ignoring her whilst I was with our mum doing my hobby. They have always put her down, she's always been painted as the dumb or bad one. I've tried to protect her, I love her and her MH is just so bad because of their abuse.
Mine is bad but hers is worse. I feel guilt for being the "golden child". We both realised after we had our kids that our upbringing was not right. I mean we always knew but never addressed it until then.
I feel so angry at my parents yet torn at the same time because you had this love for them as they're your parents. Does that make sense.
This chat with my sister has been needed and eye opening

Hotchocolate - I think you should consider standing side by side with your sister . I couldn’t enjoy , like , respect my parents if they made me golden child whilst abusing my sister . The relationship you would have with your sister if you stood by her would be so more true , real, deeper , caring and loving than the relationship with your abusive parents . Imagine how she is going to feel if you continue with being golden child . Your parents don’t deserve your loyalty but your sister does . If you don’t stand by her and confront them on how you have both been treat differently, and continue to be your parents golden child , then you become one of them in the future.

I don't agree, I'm the scapegoat child and don't care if my brother continues his relationship with our parents or not. My relationship with him as an adult is not dependant on our parents.

My Dsis has not stated if she wishes for me to continue a relationship with them or not. She has admitted to feeling jealous and resentful to me but acknowledges that it was my parents and not me. I have stood up for my sister growing up but it's hard to speak up when you are physically abuse and therefore scared to speak up.

In your shoes I wouldn't stand up to your parents either. They're just as likely to turn on you. Try to keep your relationship with her going, you don't have to tell her whats happening with your parents.

There's a very good chance you will inherit from them and she'll get nothing. If that happens, you could gift her half.

It’s approaching 3 years and coming up to the 4th Christmas that I will have been NC with my FOO.

This situation was not originally my choice and I was initially absolutely devastated and deeply hurt. Now I have chosen to keep away but I have regrets. I never wanted to be in this position at my stage of life and the doubts creep in at this time of year.

It is also excruciating to find coherent words to explain and update on the situation to friends who I feel are now questioning contribution to this ugly mess.

I am finding it tough.

I suspect my FOO don’t give me a second thought and if they do it will be to mock and belittle me.

It feels like a long drawn out grief.

@Marzu oh, big hugs from over here, I've just done the same thing.

@DuchessOfEndor hey, how are you feeling? I feel really anxious, down and fearful of repucussions..... but I know I have to remain steadfast. I want to unblock and reach out but know I'm kidding myself if I think things will be different. So here we are. Hope you're OK sending u a big love

The week before I resolved to break contact I was really depressed. I was having suicidal ideation, not eating, not sleeping. But once I made up my mind that I want going to let these people take from me anymore and sent them my letter I felt better. I'm sad that they couldn't be the parents I needed as a child, or need now as an adult. I left my abusive husband about 2 years ago, so this almost feels like the last cord that was keeping me down. I've learned and grown too much to accept that kind of treatment anymore. My mantra throughout this journey has been to take a deep breath and shut my eyes and tell myself, "I am in control."
What really helped me is realizing that I am a full, self-actualized person by my self. A few days after cutting contact, I realized that there had been no perceptible change in my life, while I'm sure their household was in turmoil.

That is inspiring and reassuring to read. To feel so broken and yet still able to pick yourself and take back control takes real courage and strength. Onwards and upwards! I've raised a glass just now! Here's to you!

I'm 6 months NC with my FOO. Before going NC with them, I told them how let down I felt by them after my DS died. But they ignored that, and typically have never apologised or acknowledged the deep hurt I am going through both over my DS nor the shocking way they behaved at the time of my DS' death.

Since then, my Dsis has messaged me a couple of times and my DM messages me more frequently and DF has not been in contact at all. Yesterday, however DSis messaged me to tell me that DM is very ill and urged me to visit her. On the same day, DM also messaged me saying that I was welcome to 'pop round and visit'.

I don't want to. I know DM will never acknowledge my feelings and want me to forget about their behaviour and want me to make her feel better. I have a feeling she will typically go into a monologue about her feelings and her health. I suspect she wants to see me in order to look good to her friends and Church community. I don't think I can cope. Yet I feel guilty. But also scared of being hurt and getting angry and let down again as I don't trust my FOO.

Has anyone NC or very LC been in this dilemma?

@MyFragility I'm so sorry for what you have gone through at the hands of your family. Whilst not having suffered such a devastating loss as you, I can identify with quite a bit, in particular the carry on regarding your mother being unwell and your DSis being a "flying monkey" trying to guilt you into seeing her.

My mother said something horrendous to me over 15 months ago, she has not taken any responsibility and didn't like my refusing to deal with her in person. Her last letter called me a liar and told me to leave her alone. But I suspect her sisters and their children (who instantly jumped to her side and except for 1 cousin, never even asked me what happened) have not been told anything like the truth by her. It has taken a lot of expensive therapy for me to start to come to terms with understanding that the family relationships I thought I had were actually a mirage.

Without going into details, I found out in the last few days that my "mother" has been taken into hospital by ambulance. She has a serious health condition and it is quite surprising she has lived to the very old age that she has reached (getting more poisonous with each year that passes).

I have blocked her and all her relatives from phoning or whatsapping me, sadly voicemails can come through. My "mother"'s sister has left a couple of messages for me in the last couple of days, saying she wants a word with me. I know it's quite possible my "mother" is at end stage and my aunt wants me to "fix things" before it's too late. But as well as the last 15+ months, they've had all my life to treat me right, and this hasn't happened. Every letter my "mother" sent was all about her, she had no regard for me. I believe if I open the door to any contact, my mental health will be set backwards by months or more. For the first time in my life, I am putting me first. I do not owe this bitch anything. I don't owe her family anything. I would have loved to have had a family that cared, I tried so hard for so long. It would have been so much nicer to have been part of a family that genuinely supported each other, but it is not my fault that this is not my family.

So @MyFragility I would suggest you look after you, because your family are not looking after you but they are looking after their own needs whilst completely ignoring yours.