Hello all, this is my first visit to this thread. I just went NC with my parents. I grew up undiagnosed autistic which was hard enough. My parents are ultra-religious (like almost cult level) My 12yo just came out as LGBTQ+ (I am too, but not out to my parents) thinking of my parents treating him anything like they treated me as a kid helped prompt me to go nc.
This is the letter I sent them yesterday. I'm curious as to others thoughts on it. I'm 36yo, and this is the first time I'm saying most of this to them. I've been living very far away since I was 20, so only saw them 3-4 times a year for a few days until last year when I moved back to my hometown because I was scared of raising my kid by myself.
*I'm American so 7th & 8th grade is ages 12-14
Mom & Dad
When I decided to tell you about [new bf after leaving abusive H 1 year prior] , I was so hopeful. I was feeling so happy and safe and optimistic. Then I told you, and individually, you reacted with hostility. You made negative verbal assumptions and disapproving faces. My joyful news was twisted and warped. I left the house sad and frustrated.
And then I realized.
It wasn’t about [bf], it doesn’t matter who [bf] is.
No matter who I choose, you will react to me from a place of fear and judgment and not love and trust.
And it has always been this way.
After a few weeks Mom texted me, “feel free to bring [bf] to Friday Night Dinner (weekly rotating dinner held at sibs or parents house) At first, I was elated. It felt so good to be accepted and welcomed.
Except…
Then I realized, there was no acceptance, and no welcome, there was begrudging allowance at best.
I didn’t come that Friday. Previously I would have been thankful for even the most grudging attempt at connection from you, but I can no longer pretend that we have even a moderately good parent-child relationship. Because we don’t. You have no interest in knowing me or understanding me. My entire life you have spent silencing me and punishing me when I didn’t do exactly what you wanted. Even so, your immediate cessation of communication with me really jolted me. This softcore shunning really is your go-to when you aren’t getting your way. You have used it against me in the past and I’m sure would continue using it against me from time to time forever if I allowed it.
Ostracization is, admittedly, an incredibly effective behavior modification technique, because humans rely on society to survive. So, when those who are close to us and are supposed to be our support network, cast us out, it feels devastatingly distressing, because your subconscious brain knows you are terribly vulnerable without the protections of society.
Shunning is emotional abuse.
The thing I have longed for most, my entire life, is to be close to you.
To be cherished, understood, loved.
This feels like a deep, hidden confession, when really, it is the most basic need in the world. To feel safe. To feel like your parents will keep you safe.
You taught me that my needs didn’t matter, that my feelings were invalid, that I was inherently bad. You taught me that you were infallible, that I couldn’t question you, that I would be punished if I dared to have a voice. You taught me that I had less human worth than you.
You taught me to be filled with righteous judgement and condemn people who seemed “different” than us.
You taught me to hide any part of myself you might not agree with because you showed me that being myself wasn’t safe.
You taught me that if people questioned you or angered you, that violence was the tool you used to make them stop, but only if they were smaller and weaker than you. Respect was not something for children.
Maybe you didn’t mean to teach me these things, but this is what I learned from you.
You set me up to run to the first man who showed me any kind of affection and attention, and when I did, you cast me out and cut me off, abandoning me when I most needed support. You taught me that mistakes were inadmissible.
The person you call [wayfarer46] doesn’t exist. You have never cared to get to know me, so the person you picture doesn’t have a lot to do with who I actually am.
As a little kid I never knew what would get me in trouble, I felt no love or support and felt I was on my own. This has resulted in me being in hypervigilant mode basically my whole life.
Growing up, you had completely unrealistic expectations of all of us, which you framed as “high standards,” bullshit. I did insanely good in school for what I was dealing with, but it was never good enough, like there never was a “good enough.”
The day I lost [Regional Oratory Competition after winning at school level and at city level] As a ten-year-old, I got third place in regional, my first time going, I should have felt pretty good right? No, third isn’t even the first loser, it’s the second loser. And as we were walking out, me devastated and so self-conscious in a dress that was far too small, like the stitches were literally ripping at the seams. And the fact that it didn’t fit was somehow my fault. At ten I couldn’t have clothes that fit, or that I felt confident in for this regional competition, so I was on the stage, horribly aware of how disheveled I looked. Then when we walked out, me utterly devastated because I had failed so badly, we were talking about pity ice cream, and mom spotted a louse on my head. She flipped out, I never got ice cream.
I had had lice at that point for at least eight months. To me, as a mother now, this is unthinkable. And, also, just another instance of the absolute neglect I endured as a child. This is unjustifiable.
At 12 you kept me out of school, allegedly to keep me from the worldly horrors of Junior High, but in actuality, to watch six-year-old [little sis] and three-year-old [little sis] while mom finished her degree. You literally kept me out of school to nanny for you for two years when I was 12, there was nothing okay about this.
And then the narrative has always been, “oh that bad [wayfarer46,] she is so sneaky and lazy to not have taught herself 7th and 8th grade.”
The adults blaming the 12-year-old for not raising herself. Checking in on my education literally zero times in two years. That’s blatant educational neglect.
I’m not surprised by this latest shunning episode, because it is more of the same of how you have treated me my whole life.
I’m tired of being abused, so I’m checking out of this relationship.
There are plenty of people who love and accept me for who I am, not for a façade of who they have decreed I should be. I’m no longer a child and no longer vulnerable if you cast me out.
I love you.
I can’t allow you to hurt me anymore.
If you want to work on our relationship in the future, you can reach me by email. I’ll respond when I feel up to it.
[Wayfarer46]