November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

Legomum

Whoever it was acted as the flying monkey; such types have no interest in hearing your side of things and they have their own agenda. Personally I'd have problems with your MIL knowing because she will likely come swooping in wanting to do her star part in the play "Aren't I a good person?" whilst making you feel incapable. I would not put it past her either to try and make an appearance at the hospital and otherwise spout her knowledge/fawn in front of the doctors.

If your mother is too difficult/batshit for you to deal with its the same deal for your child doo. Do keep your daughter well away from her regardless going forward; she does not warrant such a grandmother in her life.

Thanks for the comments. I take your point but my MIL is lovely and wouldn't have any understanding of what my mother is actually like if I were to tell her. She would have been chatting in passing rather than acting as a flying monkey.

I've decided to wait a few days and then let her know that I will tell her when my DD is well enough for a visit, and will put strict boundaries around it.

Your mother will likely ignore any boundary you care to set. Narcissistic people do not like boundaries and will rail against them.

If your mother does visit your child make sure you have your own backup so that you can get her to leave as soon as possible. Dealing with someone like your mother will tie you up in knots. You’re probably one of the very few people who bother with her and that’s because she gave you the Special Training in childhood.

I hope your daughter’s op goes well 💐

@Legomum78 I totally believe your MIL is lovely but this won't stop her getting sucked in and used by a narcissist. And if shes lovely and has no concept of what your mother is really like she's perfect prey for her and your mother might target her once she ramps up her game. It seems to me you still believe you can be in control here whilst allowing your mother some sort of access, and I don't blame or judge you, but you'll most likely loose because you are too decent to play as dirty as she does. I'm sorry to offer such an unsolicited view.

Hag update.

Joy - as ever - not to see her. She's livid with Mr Monkey’s new regime of her Slave Son taking her to her many medical appointments as SS is retired and MM is not.

Cue: so, you don't want to help me anymore.

Laughable. MM has a JOB. AND a LIFE.

He ducked the jibe and eschewed the offer of her PAYING him to replace the carers.

Jesus.

Mr Monkey is organising his family meal for Easter Monday. I like his wider family, but she's a Hag and his brother is a bitter fucking idiot so I'm not going. I'll probably do something like DIY. I HATE DIY. But hammering up a curtain rail is infinitely better than dealing with her constant spite and moaning.

Monkey she really is pathetic, isn't she?

The nasty laughing is totally enraging. (I know exactly what you're talking about.) My theory is that they do it as a sort of distraction technique when they are totally caught out and can't think of anything else to say or do

Oh God, I thought this was just me enraged about the way DM and DGM would giggle and make faces at each other like a couple of bullying teenagers laughing at their victim. Even thinking about it now with them both long gone recalls the furious impotence I used to feel at their behaviour.

My mum and aunt used to do this. Really used to make me feel small.
My mum doesn't speak to this sister anymore so doesn't happen. I totally get it though.

Just popping back on the board because I've just had enough of Dsis. My family dynamic has changed over the years. No doubt my parents were toxic and damaging to me and Dsis. However my DM has mellowed out and I keep her more at arms length so can deal with her alot better. However my Dsis has got worse. She basically runs the family threatening at any opportunity that we can't see her two littles.
It's double standards. She can ignore messages from us but if we are busy and take too long then we have a problem. She's extremely jealous if my mum dares to spend time with me without her.

She recently told me she physically attacked her DP in front the the DC. I've taken a step away from her. I can't deal with her mood swings. I feel so bad for my neice and nephew.

She's not talking to me atm because I organised a get together with old childhood friends and our mums. She's not on fb messenger so I text her to let her know and ask if she could come. No date was set at this point. Nothing more was said for a few weeks. Then a date was set on messenger. I told her the date and asked if she was still coming. She ignores me. My nephew went into hospital I text and ask how he is. She ignores me. I ask why she's ignoring me. Apparently it's not fair it was organised on messenger without her. I pointed out she didn't have it but I've included her and would like her to come. She then tells me everyone in her life is self centred and doesn't support her and she's always the problem........but she is always the problem. Always!
We walk on eggshells around her, never knowing what will set her off.
She's never kept a job because she starts in her bosses, doesn't turn up to work.
She's lost most friends because she's the same with them. She's used me to gain money. But apparently she's not the problem.
I feel sad for my DS because he loves playing with his cousins. But I can't stand to be around her most of the time.

@Hotchocolate101 - there's nothing you can do about your sister's toxic behaviour. Sadly, her children become collateral damage, often in more ways than one. Firstly, the loss of your relationship with them - you have to walk away because they will be used as pawns and trained as flying monkeys. Secondly, they will receive her "special training" (this happens to all children of toxic people), and can manifest in all sorts of ways that follow them into adulthood.

Walking away is the only thing you can do that you have control of. Our friend @AttilaTheMeerkat calls this "dropping the rope" which is a very apt description.

I hope you are able to remove her from your life and start the long healing process.

just sending love and support to anyone struggling on here today . It can be a v challenging day for lots of people for lots of reasons so just acknowledging that and sending positive vibes to you all x

Just here for some security on this difficult day. Trying to enjoy my own dc but guilt messages coming in already. Not looking forward to seeing her later. Also guilt for the fact that she hasn't heard from my sister in weeks and that she hasn't sent anything for today. How do I not let her ruin this day for me. I've always hated mothers day.

@user65412
Well you are not responsible for your sisters actions so you can let that one go completely
And it is YOUR day too so you have the right to enjoy yourself. Dont take on guilt that isnt justified. Put your dear children first everytime and ignore the drama if you can. Easy to say I know !
So sorry it is so hard for you. Hope you enjoy the rest of the day xxx

Sending solidarity to everyone who is experiencing the "weaponising" of mother's day today. x

Thanks @Sicario 🌸

Since Tuesday, I have been sitting with my oldest friend who is dying. There's a small group of us who are supporting her. I've also been really sick for a few days so I've put sitting with my friend on hold til I recover. I asked my lovely aunt and uncle if they could let mum know, as my friend has been part of the family for 59 years. I didn't want mum phoning as she's very deaf and can be inappropriate. Typically mum was in bed so aunt passed the sad news to my brother who lives with her. He replied that of course he knew she was dying. My aunt was puzzled and asked how he knew. His reply: she hadn't been to see us since well before Christmas so she's obviously dying. No text messages, no concerns for my friend. Only looking from his perspective. They are well matched.

My first mother's day since mine died. I don't miss her. She was the woman who was never there for me.
I celebrate with my DD, and by trying to be as unlike my own mother as I possibly can.
for those who need them to get through today

Hugs to everyone dealing with mothers today. Xxx

@ClosedAuraOpenMind - same here. Don't miss her at all and glad I'm forever released from the mother's day pretence. What a mind fuck all that was. This can only be understood by people who endured abusive mothers.

So true @Sicario - I feel now that I am forever released from the Mothers'Day pretence. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough as I was constantly reminded of.

I thought I would share some excerpts from Donna Ashworth, a poet who I follow on Facebook and who has also published books.

"To the women who feel they have not had that maternal love they so crave, please be the ‘new’. You need to make much love, so that the future outweighs the past. It starts with you.
You deserve it, create it. It will fill you."

And from her poem 'To the Women'

"SOMEWHERE INSIDE OF YOU IS A LITTLE GIRL WHO NEEDS HER MUM.
Whether you have a mother or not, the need will always be there.
Even if you never had one, even if you don’t have any experience of that maternal love, there is a hole inside of you that perhaps, you didn’t even know you had.
A woman needs her mum, this much is true.
........

For those of you who have had a mother who couldn’t love you the way you deserved, your heart is even more broken and bruised. There is nothing much in this world more painful than that.
Surround yourself with as much love as you can possibly find, and make your own to feed generations to come. You are the chain breakers."

Went OK.
Took mum and mil out for lunch
1.5 hours and home :)
Hope everyone is OK x

I'm 'lucky' that my mother is in Australia and Mother's Day is on a different date there. I've ignored both dates for the last 25 years...

I rang her last night (I ring on average every 2 months) and didn't mention it...and neither did she. She did bang on about my cousins and their children - one of them is expecting yet again - so I just make non-committal noises.

My younger brother is moving back in to live with her next month to be her full-time carer. I think he's absolutely insane, but as 52 year old man it's up to him. His work is seasonal and since Covid has got increasingly irregular, so at least this way he'll be having a regular monthly income. He's basically going to be doing the housework and shopping, probably the cooking as well. My mother is still healthy enough to look after her own personal care.

Best wishes to all on what can be a difficult day.

This might sound weird, but I "became" the mother I never had. I'm a fucking lioness.

I think about the little girl that I was, and I want her to know that she always had a protector watching over her, and that protector was me, like a superhero from the future. I've got that girl's back, and I love her with every bone in my body. I only wish she could have known it at the time, and that I could have got there faster and saved her from the beatings.

I keep a photograph of that little girl in my bedroom and still watch over her every day.

That is truly so lovely. It brings tears to my eyes .

First Mother's Day doing the bare minimum. I sent a very small bunch of flowers without a card, and got a thank you yesterday and request for pics of my DC. I just feel nothing for her, it's like I can see things clearly finally. I am jealous of all the people who had loving mums, she just doesn't feel like my mum, just the caretaker of me for 18 years.
I feel like I shower my DC with love every day, how could you not. Desperately trying to be all the things she was not.

Completely with you. First year for me too. I sent her a very plain card with a bland message and didn't call or see her today. I feel like there will be a backlash at some point but I'm getting ready for that. I spent the day with my family today and had a lovely time. I'm feeling calmer in the four weeks since she hung the phone up on me.

Power and love to all of you x