November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

@Labourthepoint , I think the essay writer is saying that NC is the only real way out of the abuse. Very difficult dilemma for many of us, I know!

So, Mr Monkey took The Hag to her skin cancer check up yesterday. He has laid down the law.

• Slave son takes the witch to local blood tests, doctor’s appointments - kick off from her, MM pointed out that responsibilities need to be shared and he has no more holidays left.
• MM can go with her to hospital appointments; Slave Son can’t drive that far.
• her carers are there to do her laundry - absolute kick off from her, MM says I don’t have the time to go round to help you ‘understand’ the washing machine and that’s why the carers are there
• the carers are there for a reason and were organised by social workers. She actually said - screaming - yesterday that she doesn’t want carers, she’ll pay MM to care for her. His response I don’t have the time, I don’t want to. Money = bribe and control
• he can’t take calls during the day at work as he’s working. Slave Son - retired - can deal with this. Her calls cover the arcane to the ridiculous- like Slave Son’s pub is closing for five days - and she just rings and rings and rings until she gets an answer.

MM is standing firm, he has briefed SS to back him up, his phone is on silent and so far, I don’t think there have been any calls. We’re both working at home.

hopefully, this will nip some of the utter bullshit in the bud, she’ll keep going on, but this is now the plan. So glad that MM has seen the wood for the trees.

fingers crossed.

Gosh this is so painful- she is just relentless! I'm glad your husband is taking a firmer stance and hope that his brother can continue in his part of responsibility sharing without crumbling under her demands. Definitely a "United against her we stand" scenario to ensure things get done but the rest of you get a more peaceful life. Hoping anyway... 🌹

@Newestname002

thank you!

Yes, she’s a nightmare.

She has just phoned about Thursday’s appointment and the idiot picked up as he was finishing work.
”I was going to ring her anyway”
”just wait and then YOU ring her”

Good job we don’t have a dog. Chewed shoes everywhere.

i will remind him of the strategy later.

He’s been conditioned for 50 odd years so I’m not surprised it’s taken this long. She’s evil and I’m not capitulating to this crap.

@MonkeyfromManchester do you think the hag will ever die? She sounds horrific just vile. Is she one of those old ladies that likely has another decade in her? I fear my mum has another sixteen or so years in her could see her clinging on and being vile till 98

Hi All, I dont really post much at all but Ive been following these threads and find them really helpful. Also thanks to whoever recommended Dr Ramani - she is great!
I just wondered how you all find discussing your family dynamics with people in real life? I am really struggling with this. My DH has been amazingly supportive but my friends seem to almost disbelieve me when I talk about my DM and my experiences growing up. They make some sympathetic noises then quickly change the subject. They also come out with stupid comments at times which show they have clearly not listened to a word I have said, they will look uncomfortable and almost make excuses for my family doing their stupid crap. Its just easier not to talk about it and almost pretend its all ok because I think other people cant cope with the idea that some parents/ families are not all loving and cosy. That some abuse is not the same as the typical family arguments or annoying parents etc. It makes me feel lonely sometimes even though my friends are great in all other ways 🙁

Yes I find the same. People just can’t relate or don’t want to know. Even therapists can be dismissive. It is very alienating.

Several times I've been a fun sponge because people have gone round the room sharing stories (like 'what was it like the first time you had sex') and I've not been able to join in.
Its not just friends though, I once had a psychiatrist dismiss my account because according to her I would have been too young to remember anything at 18 months. I have several distinct memories from that time and they mostly involve strong emotions like fear or frustration.

Its just bizarre to me because if I was to tell a story about someone being awful to me at work or about a run in with someone unpleasant on the train people are quite happy to hear about it and offer useful advice. The minute I say anything about my family then its like Ive said something that makes everyone feel really uncomfortable. Its like the idea that a family is anything less than this Disney utopia is taboo. Its mad. These are my friends, people who have known me for years.
The most disappointing for me was the reaction of my in-laws. They just pretty much swept it all under the carpet, almost insisted I had clearly misunderstood and my DM didnt mean it! They are brilliant in-laws in all other ways. Its now just my dirty little secret and we dont talk about it.

@Labourthepoint and @Thelnebriati that is awful that therapists and psychiatrists have been the same. The people who really should be able to support you and they cant do it 😢
I was lucky with my therapist, she was brilliant and really got it and I am so grateful to her because she made me realise it wasnt me and I was not some awful black sheep who didnt fit in with my family.

@tootiredtobeinspired

I stopped telling my friends about the situation with my mum because I am tired of being disbelieved or dismissed. My DH and my DD know and understand as they experienced her treatment too, and that's enough for me.

I think that there is a generalised opinion that you supposed to outgrow and raise above it all, because "she is your mum". Clearly from people who never themselves experienced abusive relationship.

I think this is magnified if (like my mum) you're dealing with a covert narc who presents as lovely to anyone other than me, even family members and her own lifelong friends!

Strength to you. We believe you.

I'm just pondering how to tackle Mothers Day while being frozen out. Think I'll send a plain card with just Happy Mother's Day on it. It's tough...

Would not send anything to her Legomum particularly if you've already been frozen out. Examine also why you are feeling obligated into sending her a card given her behaviours.

@Coconut80 I hear you! Please god, I hope not. I think the spleen keeps them alive? The NHS is just too effective in Manchester for us. And she constantly moans about it, despite being dirt poor as a kid and paying for the doctor pre-NHS. Here’s hoping.

God, yes. Some people just refuse to believe. And absolutely if these people were friends or partners, we’d have a chorus of BIN THEM. The family is too sacred.

grrrrr re the disbelief from MH professionals. WTAF.

Fortunately, my therapist believes me. We laugh about how ridiculous The Hag anf that’s quite a relief, but does listen to me and believes me. She showed me a graph before about how my mood fluctuates and it’s linked to bipolar AND enduring the Hag. Today I’m really down about it so it’s time for some CALM app and a snooze.

hugs to everyone xxx

Good question. Mainly because I will have a more peaceful life if I acknowledge it rather than completely disregard it - don't worry, I do have my own interests at heart, not hers!

MM can send the Hag a Mother’sDay card, nothing to do with me. Ditto her birthday. She doesn’t want celebrations, that’s fine by me, as I wouldn’t go anyway. I no longer will sit playing cute happy families. It’s BS. Easier for me as she’s not my DM.

Hi all, I am tentatively checking in. In the process of going very low contact with my father after my mum passed away. The guilt is hard, but he is a narcissist who I blame for my mother’s early death. I would like to completely cut ties, but he is living in my house (in another country, thankfully) and we need to talk about that sometimes.

Hi PenOrPencil. If you can't evict him from your house and cut ties just yet, then you could go low contact. Can you talk about the house through a third party such as a solicitor or letting agent?

Being frozen out rang a loud bell for me. My mum has made no contact with me since our last communication. I do feel frozen out. I haven’t spoken to my brother or a close cousin since this happened but plan to today. In part to see what they If anything are saying about me and put the record straight with them if they are saying anything. And to make the effort to keep in touch with those people I do still care about who I had contact with often before.

That’s a good idea, @Thelnebriati. I have just gone over 3 weeks without talking to him, and I actually feel good about it. I am taking baby steps, but I am on my way.

So, after 3 weeks of no contact from my covert narc mum after she hung the phone up on me, she's just texted me a formal sounding message as she's heard that my daughter is having an op in a few weeks. She wants to know where she'll be having it and whether she can visit. She loves a medical drama and to feel like she's 'saving the day' (hasn't been in touch with my DD for months, but anyway)

I'm minded (in a few days) to reply that I'll let her know when DD is home and well enough for visitors, Short and with no extra info. I'll also practice my grey rock technique for the time she comes to visit DD...

@Legomum78

I'm minded (in a few days) to reply that I'll let her know when DD is home and well enough for visitors, Short and with no extra info. I'll also practice my grey rock technique for the time she comes to visit DD...

Good idea. Gives your daughter some peace ahead of her operation (I'm assuming she can't be contacted on her own phone if she has one?) and also reasserts your boundaries. Just warn others not to provide the information. 🌹

Who told your mother about your DDs op?.

I would keep your DD well away from your mother going forward as well. She just wants to swoop in and show everybody what a nice person she is by using your child and at the same time making you look incapable.

Put your mother on an information diet.

It was either my brother or my MIL who told her, not sure who. I've got no problem with her knowing but I'm not letting her take enjoyment from any of this. She can see her on my terms or not at all.