Not invited to the party...

[MonetMuse]

I was chatting to a friend yesterday when she casually said, ‘Are you going to G’s 50th at the weekend?’
This was the first I’d heard of it so obviously my husband and I aren’t invited. My friend was really embarrassed when she realised…
We live very close to the party couple and are part of a group that does lots of stuff together. The women have coffees, do an exercise class together, go to the cinema… My husband and I have been to the party couple’s house for dinner and they’ve been to ours. We’re not close friends exactly, I’ve closer friends in the group, but you get the picture.
I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like a real slight! I don’t think I’ve had this feeling since school days, the thought of everyone gathering to have fun just up the road and we’re not invited.
I wonder if she just forgot to invite us.. she’s quite a scatty person… but how will I ever know? Do I just act as friendly as ever when we see each other for our class next week - and if anyone mentions the party, act like I didn’t hear? (If they don’t mention it, that might feel even worse!!)

My hear aches for you @ancientgran & I'd like to go & tell your neighbours exactly what I think of them treating you like this!! 😡💔😪 just awful, mean behaviour!! A few of my neighbours (also a small close) gathered in each other's gardens during lockdown when they weren't meant to & that annoyed me tbh.

Next time you’d see the birthday person just mention that you heard they had a big birthday coming up & enquire as to what they are doing for it. It may be they don’t know about the party so don’t mention you know anything, just incase 😬

Haha😂😂😂

I’m sorry this happened to you. It feels horrible doesn’t it?
I had something similar happen to me. A new family moved into our street. They had been living abroad and when they returned our kids started primary school at the same age. They were completely new to the area and I made a huge effort to welcome her.

Me and the mum (very polite well to do lady) got very friendly and they lived on our street for 8 years. Think collecting each other’s dry cleaning and organising multiple street parties etc. Over time we had less to do with other as life and work got in the way but I still thought of her as a friend and good reliable neighbour..

In the meantime we had building work on our house which was unpopular with lots of people on our street but we still remained friends (or so I thought).

I heard she was moving to central London and I kept saying to her let’s meet up for a coffee before you go. Then I found out (from her accidentally afterwards) that she’d had a leaving drinks do at the local pub for friends of hers on our street and I hadn’t been invited.

Loads of women on our street were invited including my lovely 85 year old neighbour. I was gutted and completely humiliated nevertheless I swallowed my pride and sent her a huge bunch of flowers to her new address and said good luck in your new home.

I don’t know whether she just disliked me or if she decided that for the sake of the other people going I shouldn’t go because other neighbours didn’t like me because of our building work.

I had this with my group of 'friends' - several different occasions over the past 2/3 years or so (friends for a lot longer). It affected me badly and my mental health used to slide every time. I'm anxious by nature and past experience makes me very sensitive to rejection - not that I'm excusing their behaviour. Anyway, in April I finally had enough and cut contact completely - from all of them. And I can honestly say I have no regrets. I should have done it a long time ago but because of my low self esteem I kept clinging on to the 'friendship'. I have since worked on that. Now I only have 2 close friends and a couple of acquaintances and it's amazing!
I suggest you do the same, but your OH needs to be firmly in your corner on this or you'll end up resenting him too. He should have spoken up as soon as he realised he'd been invited but you hadn't.

Sorry, just realised your OH was not involved whatsoever (got yours mixed up with another thread) - but the rest still stands.

Just drop her a message and ask if she’s doing anything nice for her birthday. Simple question, see what she says.

I'd send her a lovely card as she's a friend and she's turning 50... but also because I'm a bit PA.

Sorry they have been hurtful, whether deliberately or not.

I completely understand. I had (what I thought was) a close friend I've known since primary school not invite me to her fiftieth which was a massive party in a hired venue over a weekend. I only heard about it because someone else there posted about it on Facebook. She must have known I'd seen it as she sent me a text saying she was sorry she hadn't asked me but she didn't think it was my thing. Actually, she was probably right, it wasn't my thing. But that was six years ago and our relationship has never really recovered.

If you think it might be an oversight get the one who put their foot in it to contact the organiser to ask “we’re thinking of booking a taxi home is @MonetMuse invited because it would make sense to share with them, but obviously we don’t want to ask if they’re not on the list” that way you’ll know if it is an oversight

You can be almost 100% sure that the embarrassed friend has now mentioned it to the host. She will have text her to say "God sorry, hope I haven't put my foot in it but mentioned the party to "Monet"

So if it was an oversight, host will let you know, and if it wasn't - you know that you are not a priority for her. And that's ok - you can stil lbe friends.

I’d rather have friends around me than expensive food.
each to their own.

There’s always that one reply questioning the OP’s mental health.🙄

I recently started a new job as a supply staff member. They were having a leavers get-together for a staff member and I was the only one not invited to it, despite there being 2 other supply staff who were invited and who were also quite new to the job. I have gotten along with everyone since I started and couldn't see any reason for being left out. There was chat about it whilst I was sat right beside them too, which I thought was just rude. I wouldn't have gone even if I'd been invited but they weren't to know that, just an invite would have been nice. So I can't imagine how I'd feel if they had been actual friends for some time and I was left out because that felt hurtful enough.

In our neighbourhood group one couple didn't get the invitation for a new-year's drink. It was a mail-glitch, discovered just in time to still invite them. Apologies were offered and accepted. What I'm suggesting is that one of your friends discretely mentiones this to the inviting couple?

I note everyone is going on and on about mean girls and bitches and veing left out and exclusion ans spite...etc ad infinitum.

I suppose it never occurs to anyone that sometimes there are real reasons people might not get an invite? I'm not saying any of these actually apply to OP, but in general, there may be good reasons. The person may have a history of poor behaviour while drunk, or was rude to the host unbeknowingly, or some other thing.
I know someone who would complain like this that she isn't invited to X, Y and Z. No she isn't, because while she's ok in smaller doses at coffee or a walk, she's a nightmare at these things, and always manages to upset someone. She's completely oblivious to this though.

I'm not pointing fingers at OP, I don't know her, she's probably delightful. I'm just commenting on the odd automatic assumption that it must be an unwarranted mean exclusion...it's pretty odd.

If you have been to the party couple’s house for dinner, and they’ve been to yours, you are close enough to be invited to the 50th.

I think it has just been an oversight on their part.

I'm always so paranoid that nobody will turn up that I invite any and everyone to a party! We spoke once at a parent's evening... here, have an invite!

OP it's a horrible feeling. I used to have similar thing when I was single and all my friends were coupled up. They would often go out on exciting evenings out that I would have loved to join but sadly didn't get an invite as I was the awkward (not in my mind) singleton. Eventually I went and found better friends and had lots of fun times with them instead (and actually then met my lovely DH but that's a different story).

@ancientgran did you remember to clap every Thursday? Sounds daft, but I know some people who got utterly ousted by neighbours who didn't join in!

OP - I get it, I think some people thrive on drama. For me, if I'm part of a friendship group and there is one person I didn't like/didn't know well but I was having a party, I'd invite them - purely because I couldn't be bothered with the awkwardness of it all. There were a few people at our wedding like that but we sucked it up and invited them because even though DH and I were a bit like - 'erghh we're not that close with them', it was too much of a headache and would create too much gossip not to and it would change the dynamics of whatever friendship group going forward and aboveall we aren't in the business of hurting people's feelings.

Conversely as well, one person that fell into this category with my DH got an invite and this person really appreciated the gesture, so much so he made a big push to build a friendship and I'd say he's been an absolute rock to my DH over the years. They are totally different characters but it's turned into a real sweet and enduring friendship simply because DH cared enough to not want him to feel excluded and this guy, I think recognised that.

I think deliberately leaving someone out says alot about that person in this sort of circumstance.

Interestingly, both DH and I grew up with mothers who invited every child in the class to birthdays, (even if I hadn't been to invited to theirs) simply because it was the right thing to do and we don't lower our standards on what's right and wrong. Good on me Mum!

So in short, it feels shit to be excluded but rise above it, and continue to be the person with the better morals!

The worst thing is when people start putting pictures of the party of Facebook as it's happening and you are at home,trying to resist posting sarcastic comments but dying inside.

Probably just a numbers thing. You do not sound very close to this person or you would have surely asked what she was planning for her big birthday well before now. I’d not take it personally, if it was a close pal or family member that would perhaps be a bit different.

I know that feeling! A few close friends friends from school arranged a meet up and playdate in our village (we all have similar age DC) and I only found out about it after pictures were posted on Facebook. I'm literally the only one who still lives in this area, so it must have taken some coordination to arrange overnight stays and evening childcare for a full day of park/farm/playground plus 'mums night out' at a couple of local pubs.
I was hurt that I wasn't invited, but I obviously wasn't wanted, so like a pp I have focused my energies on people who do want to socialise with me and not really had any contact with any of the group since

Our good friend (a neighbour) asked another neighbour to let us know about a BBQ they were having.

We never got the message either on purpose or by mistake (noone was quite sure, the one who were supposed to let us know were bitchy neighbours always stirring up trouble).

My hubby had words with our friend over it - he was pd off cos tgey could have called or walked 200m to our house to let us know. It really affected our relationship :( and we'd known then for years before we end up being neighbours.

My advice, is to just say 'oh abc said you're having a party, hope you have a good time'. They can then either say thanks or ask why you're not going. You will then know if you're invited.

i think there is every chance it was an oversight. I’m sure you will find out as it will probably come up (especially if innocent). My not-close-but-lovely friend did similar - I wasn’t on FB at the time so she just kind of forgot I existed when she was using it as an aide memoire to write her guest list! I wasn’t bothered in the slightest. And in fact the very same friend (years before) thought I hadn’t invited her on my hen do until it came up when a group of us were out and she subsequently found the invitation from my Chief bm in her junk! So awkward for a minute though bless her. I’m guessing it was an innocent mistake if your friend is scatty. Best thing you can do is hope that it comes up and then just act with grace and dignity!

Oh Tipsy I absolutely understand where you're coming from. It's soul destroying to wonder if you've been deliberately left out and if so why.

How you deal with this depends on you really.

Personally I would send a birthday message and tell her you hope she has a wonderful party. If she thanks you in response with no mention of an invite then you know where you stand. Sheay extend an invitation though which would suggest it was an oversight.

Do you socialise/engage regularly? Are the rest of your friendship group all invited without exception?