Not invited to the party...

[MonetMuse]

I was chatting to a friend yesterday when she casually said, ‘Are you going to G’s 50th at the weekend?’
This was the first I’d heard of it so obviously my husband and I aren’t invited. My friend was really embarrassed when she realised…
We live very close to the party couple and are part of a group that does lots of stuff together. The women have coffees, do an exercise class together, go to the cinema… My husband and I have been to the party couple’s house for dinner and they’ve been to ours. We’re not close friends exactly, I’ve closer friends in the group, but you get the picture.
I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like a real slight! I don’t think I’ve had this feeling since school days, the thought of everyone gathering to have fun just up the road and we’re not invited.
I wonder if she just forgot to invite us.. she’s quite a scatty person… but how will I ever know? Do I just act as friendly as ever when we see each other for our class next week - and if anyone mentions the party, act like I didn’t hear? (If they don’t mention it, that might feel even worse!!)

what an odd response

It is hurtful, could you do something with your DH on the night of the party to take you mind off it?

@ancientgran it says more about your neighbours than you.

Anyway, OP as much as I would like to be self-assured enough for this not to bother me, I’d be knocked off by it too.

How to proceed…well, now is a good time to think about those in the group you do connect with and who reciprocates with effort on their part. Focus your energy where it’s appreciated.

The problem with social groups, I find, is that there is always someone or some people within them that truth be told, you wouldn’t choose to hang out with if they weren’t part of the group. Likewise, you may be that person or couple to someone else. They’re not arsed, neither should you be.

Because I’m proud, the host would never get a whiff of how small this had made me feel. I’d resolve to ignore it and be unavailable for those who would see me excluded. I’m not a mug.

@KweenieBeanz

I’d say there were very, very few parties where the whole class were invited. In fact I did invite the whole class Reception year and Year 2. I can’t think of any other children’s party where that happened during primary school. That’s absolutely ridiculous if you expect 30 children to do a party each year with the whole class. And then even if it’s 15 someone will feel excluded. DD didn’t get invited to every single bloody party - and nor would I expect her to be.

I've been surprised at my feelings, I really do feel like I'm 14 again! I'll try to put it out of my mind

I don't agree with this at all, we are social creatures by nature and to be left out at 5 years old or 75 years old always stings. I know you will be told by mn logic to just ''move on'' but it's very hard to do. I have being in this situation with ''close friends'' and believe me it happens at all age. It's very hurtful and the worst part is that the ''aftershock'' can remain for years in that you lose faith in other people and in friendships.

You want to know why but the reason if you ask will not be given but instead denial. So I finally got drunk and confronted friend over it and it was all ''it was an open invite.. you are delusional''. Which was bullshit.

Meh even today, well over a decade later, I am wary of friendships and have become hard and bitter over it and I don't build attachments.

I think most people would be hurt by this. It's an awkward feeling to be left out, for whatever reason.

I get it every year - my Mum and Dad split up when I was a teenager and we were dropped from wider family like hot potatoes. Every year, my paternal Uncle arranges a "surname" family party that they've found all these distant relations to include and plaster it all over FB. It's knowing how much effort they take with it and doing a massive family tree etc that really hurts. I was born into that family, have their genes running through my blood but it's as if I'm invisible.

What an odd, OTT comment to a totally normal, functional response to being apparently snubbed. Anyone would feel the same as the OP

I still think what you did was pretty crap.

Either invite a handful of kids or the whole class, you don't invite 2/3 of the class as that is most of the class and the 1/3 left out will definitely notice and feel left out.

You left one child out, and then say you felt horrible....???? You should be ashamed of yourself, that is utterly shit behaviour, how must that child have felt? Just when you think you've heard it all

eh it's more unreasonable she took 20 kids to a kids birthday in the 1st place. No kid would have 20 close friends like that. When I was a kid it would be 5-6 friends tops.

I clearly broke a Mumsnet rule then. Thou shalt never invite more than 8 children from a class to a party. You’ll have to relay that rule to every party venue/every class Mum in DD’s class as they are all breaking that rule too.

When I was a kid you invited your friends to your party, not everyone in your class. Why would you have people you don't get on with or are bullying you just because some feelings will be hurt (which they probably wouldn't be).

However Op's situation is different, she thought they were friends.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous and goady.

I would rather this focussed on the OP’s point rather than what I posted.

Whenever you organise a party/wedding, someone will be pissed off. I’ve even managed to piss off people here with a party that happened years ago. I’m a fucking vile person. So there you go.

When I was a kid you invited your friends to your party, not everyone in your class. Why would you have people you don't get on with or are bullying you just because some feelings will be hurt

this, I find the concept of inviting the kids whole class to a party absurd and it undermines the actual friendships that the kid does have. Also it puts pressure on other parents. Also my parents never would even have known whos birthday party was on and who was/wasn't invited-parents are way too over invested in this crap.

Sorry for derailing the thread.

Everyone had big hall type parties in Reception though! They tail off after time (or when enough people have been pissed off about not getting an invite).

Because I’m proud, the host would never get a whiff of how small this had made me feel. I’d resolve to ignore it and be unavailable for those who would see me excluded. I’m not a mug

this really is solid advise. The oters be looking now to see your reaction because groups love this sort of drama and use it as gossip fodder. Don't bite, maintain a dignified silence and say nothing.

OP my mum did this to a couple, didn’t invite them to a party at theirs but lots of people they knew. On purpose.

The un-invited couple had the last laugh as they turned up anyway saying ‘oh you you must have forgotten to invite us ‘!

I wasn’t there but I bet her face was a picture.

if you won’t be good friends with these people after this anyway then maybe give it a go.

My husband organised a surprise 40th for me. It was lovely but he missed shedloads of people I would have Invited.

it happens.

Ok this is escalating, people getting excited and baying for blood. Typical on line forum where the hyperbole goes crazy

op you don’t know who is invited or how many, you’ve no idea. You’ve gone down a world of hurt without even finding out the facts, and now you’ve randoms trying to make it worse for you and absuively insinuating you’re a mug if you don’t become friendless.

look if you’re all such good mates reach out to one of the other couples and just curiously enquire, what’s going on a janes then who is coming. Then decide but don’t do this I’m guessing thing as there is a high chance you might be wrong and there is a high chance some folks on here will keep escalating this till they are sure you;L never be invited any where else again

I'm almost 50 and having a get together locally. There are a number of quite close friends I'm not inviting because the cost of everything is crazy. I can't justify spending thousands when my fuel bill is through the roof. So I'm literally inviting 5 of my closest friends, their husbands, and my kids. That's it. It may well put some people's noses out of joint but its not them footing the bill. Could this be the reason?

The un-invited couple had the last laugh as they turned up anyway saying ‘oh you you must have forgotten to invite us

that's not the last laugh, it's very humiliating and desperate looking of them. No way on earth I'd turn up somewhere that I was deliberately excluded from-have some self respect.

I agree with @Tipsyturvychocolatemonster

I'm almost 50 and having a get together locally. There are a number of quite close friends I'm not inviting because the cost of everything is crazy. I can't justify spending thousands when my fuel bill is through the roof

it doesn't have to be 1000s or even 100s, have a spread from Iceland/Lidl in your living room and ask people to bring their own drinks. People go way too far in these situations, that's the problem.

I've being at great parties done on the cheap like that and everybody's happy.

Ok this is escalating, people getting excited and baying for blood. Typical on line forum where the hyperbole goes crazy

nobody is baying for blood, I simply said don't let your feelings known or criticise the host as it just becomes gossip fodder. That's how groups work.