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Original poster

Not invited to the party...

177 replies

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 07:34

I was chatting to a friend yesterday when she casually said, ‘Are you going to G’s 50th at the weekend?’
This was the first I’d heard of it so obviously my husband and I aren’t invited. My friend was really embarrassed when she realised…
We live very close to the party couple and are part of a group that does lots of stuff together. The women have coffees, do an exercise class together, go to the cinema… My husband and I have been to the party couple’s house for dinner and they’ve been to ours. We’re not close friends exactly, I’ve closer friends in the group, but you get the picture.
I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like a real slight! I don’t think I’ve had this feeling since school days, the thought of everyone gathering to have fun just up the road and we’re not invited.
I wonder if she just forgot to invite us.. she’s quite a scatty person… but how will I ever know? Do I just act as friendly as ever when we see each other for our class next week - and if anyone mentions the party, act like I didn’t hear? (If they don’t mention it, that might feel even worse!!)

OP posts:
Wetblanket78 · 20/10/2022 11:35

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/10/2022 08:10

That's a bit harsh Tipsy. I think I'd feel a bit put out if someone in a group I belonged to invited everyone but me. The fact that the friend mentioned it suggests that she would have expected OP to have been invited. That said, agree with PP, it might be a very small gathering and as you said you're not the closest in the group.

If it's mentioned in front of the host, I'd just say, 'oh have a lovely evening, is it for a special occasion?' which makes it clear you've not been invited (just n case an invitation has gone missing)

That depends she might have only invited family and close friends. A friend you have grown up with from childhood is different to a friend you made a few years ago. If she invites her because she lives down the road she would feel she would have to invite everyone else she is not close friends with.

mast0650 · 20/10/2022 11:36

If the rest of the group has been invited and there is no no backstory, I'd actually assume it was a mistake! Friends of ours had a big joint 50th recently. Husband sent out the invites and made the mistake of sending some via the men in the couples and not the women - who ignored them as they rely on their partners to look after the social calendar with local friends! Some only came to light very last minute, often too late, which was a real shame.

I'd consider asking your mutual friend to politely ask the birthday friend if she'd meant to not invite you. But only if it is a big party with the whole friendship group invited. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll just have to let it go.

Wetblanket78 · 20/10/2022 11:39

TheDuck2018 · 19/10/2022 17:13

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.
The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

You left one child out, and then say you felt horrible....???? You should be ashamed of yourself, that is utterly shit behaviour, how must that child have felt? Just when you think you've heard it all....

That is shit to invite every single girl apart from one. If that's the case then look for somewhere else that can accommodate more than 20.

TeeBee · 20/10/2022 11:47

voiceofmarion · 20/10/2022 11:33

I'm almost 50 and having a get together locally. There are a number of quite close friends I'm not inviting because the cost of everything is crazy. I can't justify spending thousands when my fuel bill is through the roof

it doesn't have to be 1000s or even 100s, have a spread from Iceland/Lidl in your living room and ask people to bring their own drinks. People go way too far in these situations, that's the problem.

I've being at great parties done on the cheap like that and everybody's happy.

But I don't want a Lidl spread in my front room for MY birthday! I want what I want. If I have to invite fewer people so I can do my preferred activity, that's what I'll be doing. I don't owe anybody else a party. This is MY birthday. People get to choose whatever celebrations they like.

FruitTwistandShake · 20/10/2022 11:49

My DD moved schools recently but is still very attached to her friends from her old school. So much so that she invited them to her birthday party. She still calls one of the girls her best friend and then she found out that she had not been invited to her birthday next month. Watching my little girls heart break and the disappointment in her face was awful. I just wanted to protect her from that feeling for a little while longer!

Tractorcrisis · 20/10/2022 11:57

@Wetblanket78

No I explained before. It was a class of 30. The venue took 20. There was 1 girl who would have been next on the list - but had to have a cut off. If she had come there would have been another - next on the list - and then another next on the list. It IS shit, but I did do some whole class parties too - it was the rules of the party venue DD wanted to go to. And it said 20 - it might have been more like 18 as there seems to be a lot of hair splitting.

It happened to DD too as it was fairly standard in Reception that there were larger hall type parties.

However instead of getting hyped up, upset and anxious over not getting invited - and encouraging her never to socialise again : I encouraged her to enjoy the parties she WAS invited to, and accept that there may have been perfectly legit reasons as why she didn’t go to others.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 12:02

TeeBee · 20/10/2022 11:47

But I don't want a Lidl spread in my front room for MY birthday! I want what I want. If I have to invite fewer people so I can do my preferred activity, that's what I'll be doing. I don't owe anybody else a party. This is MY birthday. People get to choose whatever celebrations they like.

Show quote history

Agree. Plus this assumes that everyone only has the number of friends they could fit in their living room. Between us, DP and I probably have getting on for close to 100 friends - and that’s just the people we spend time with regularly - we could probably add another hundred or so on top if we count those we see about two or three times a year more casually. There’s no way we could invite all of these people to a party, either at our house or at a bar. DP’s birthday party next weekend had 56 people on the invitation list, all known through various different groups. Some people in each of those groups didn’t make the list. It’s not intended to be “Mean Girl”, whatever that means, it just isn’t possible for every person we know from every group we’re a part of to be invited. Whilst OP is fixating on being the only person not invited, she hasn’t acknowledged that this man probably has other friendship groups which also include people who haven’t been invited.

pictish · 20/10/2022 12:04

I’m going to assume the OP understands the dynamic of the friendship group and the nature of the party and that’s why she has posted in the manner she has. She would know after all.

I’m not being extreme. It’s fairly sensible. I haven’t the hours in the day as it is so when someone makes it clear I’m of no import to them, I’ll direct my attention and effort elsewhere. What’s wrong with that?

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 12:17

pictish · 20/10/2022 12:04

I’m going to assume the OP understands the dynamic of the friendship group and the nature of the party and that’s why she has posted in the manner she has. She would know after all.

I’m not being extreme. It’s fairly sensible. I haven’t the hours in the day as it is so when someone makes it clear I’m of no import to them, I’ll direct my attention and effort elsewhere. What’s wrong with that?

I don’t assume anything. Unlike the friends we know who assumed they’d be invited to our wedding and contacted us to ask where their invitation was, apparently not thinking for a second that they might not be invited because we have other friends they don’t know about and not enough space for everyone we know.

Theres nothing wrong with directing your attention elsewhere, if that’s your choice. Other poster’s suggestions such as passive aggressively insinuating that an invitation must have been “misplaced”, or trying to put out feelers within the group to get an invitation, are inappropriate and embarrassing.

pictish · 20/10/2022 12:17

“and now you’ve randoms trying to make it worse for you and absuively insinuating you’re a mug if you don’t become friendless.”

I take exception to that. I don’t know what you read but that’s not what I intended. I didn’t say anything about being friendless. I advised the OP to focus on friendships that are reciprocal. This one, for whatever reason, isn’t. I wouldn’t expend any further energy on it other than general chit-chattery within the group.
No issue but no effort either.

pictish · 20/10/2022 12:19

And that is not abusive.

amspeechless · 20/10/2022 12:22

I really do understand your hurt OP .I would ask another mutual friend about it ? It could be a mistake or a message you missed. 💐
This happened to me many years ago and I was so hurt .
This thread confirms all the reasons why I have about 10 really lovely solid friends who all know of each other vaguely but we are most certainly not in a group!
It makes life so more straightforward and it means I get 8-10 get togethers/ days out instead of one awkward ,expensive evening where you don’t actually get to chat properly with anyone.

sandgrown · 20/10/2022 12:32

ExDH went off with my best friend. A few weeks later a couple of close friends had a christening. All our mutual friends were invited and were shocked I wasn’t . ExDH and OW went . I was so hurt and upset to be excluded. It felt like they had taken sides . A few months later I bumped into the father and I told him how hurt I was. He was mortified and said it was just an oversight. He had invited ex with a group of male friends and just completely forgot about me.

notanothertakeaway · 20/10/2022 12:36

Don't fish for an invitation. Or ask "did I do something wrong?" Both are just clingy/ embarrassing

It's a horrible feeling to be left out. We've all been there

My advice is (1) make other plans, so you're not available anyway, (2) don't tell anyone you were hurt (3) recalibrate the friendship in your own head now you know you're not as close as you thought (4) enjoy the friendship at its new, lower, level

voiceofmarion · 20/10/2022 12:37

Plus this assumes that everyone only has the number of friends they could fit in their living room. Between us, DP and I probably have getting on for close to 100 friends - and that’s just the people we spend time with regularly - we could probably add another hundred or so on top if we count those we see about two or three times a year more casually. There’s no way we could invite all of these people to a party

that's ricidulous, there's no way you each have 50 friends each. You are confusing acquaintances with friends here in many of the cases.

voiceofmarion · 20/10/2022 12:39

But I don't want a Lidl spread in my front room for MY birthday! I want what I want. If I have to invite fewer people so I can do my preferred activity, that's what I'll be doing. I don't owe anybody else a party. This is MY birthday. People get to choose whatever celebrations they like

how many friends do you actually have? Most people in reality by 50 would have around 5-6 friends, the line then between acquaintances can easily become blurred I suppose for some.

TeeBee · 20/10/2022 12:42

notanothertakeaway · 20/10/2022 12:36

Don't fish for an invitation. Or ask "did I do something wrong?" Both are just clingy/ embarrassing

It's a horrible feeling to be left out. We've all been there

My advice is (1) make other plans, so you're not available anyway, (2) don't tell anyone you were hurt (3) recalibrate the friendship in your own head now you know you're not as close as you thought (4) enjoy the friendship at its new, lower, level

Wise advice...and the advice we should be teaching our children to foster resilience.

Mary46 · 20/10/2022 12:45

Op thats lousy. Hurtful too. I was left out of flight bookings few years back by my sister. Women can be crap. Hope u ok.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/10/2022 12:45

onlywishfulthinking · 20/10/2022 10:32

@ancientgran it says more about your neighbours than you.

They sound like abhorrent racists. I think they are a disgrace.

TeeBee · 20/10/2022 12:46

voiceofmarion · 20/10/2022 12:39

But I don't want a Lidl spread in my front room for MY birthday! I want what I want. If I have to invite fewer people so I can do my preferred activity, that's what I'll be doing. I don't owe anybody else a party. This is MY birthday. People get to choose whatever celebrations they like

how many friends do you actually have? Most people in reality by 50 would have around 5-6 friends, the line then between acquaintances can easily become blurred I suppose for some.

Nope, I don't socialise with 'acquaintances', I'm an introvert and can't be arsed with that. I probably have around 20 or so solid friendships from various groups of people who I still see regularly and share my life with. I don't need to invite them all (and their partners) out on my birthday.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 12:54

voiceofmarion · 20/10/2022 12:37

Plus this assumes that everyone only has the number of friends they could fit in their living room. Between us, DP and I probably have getting on for close to 100 friends - and that’s just the people we spend time with regularly - we could probably add another hundred or so on top if we count those we see about two or three times a year more casually. There’s no way we could invite all of these people to a party

that's ricidulous, there's no way you each have 50 friends each. You are confusing acquaintances with friends here in many of the cases.

I think this demonstrates part of the problem: people who have few friends don’t believe other people can and are more likely to be offended and upset at being “left out” of what they perceive as a small group event.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 12:56

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 12:54

I think this demonstrates part of the problem: people who have few friends don’t believe other people can and are more likely to be offended and upset at being “left out” of what they perceive as a small group event.

Show quote history

And it’s fine to have few friends and to prefer it that way. But assuming the same is true of everyone else around you and basing your expectations of them on what you know of yourself is likely to lead to upset.

TeeBee · 20/10/2022 12:59

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 12:54

I think this demonstrates part of the problem: people who have few friends don’t believe other people can and are more likely to be offended and upset at being “left out” of what they perceive as a small group event.

Show quote history

Exactly!!! One of my very best friends has tonnes of parties. I'm probably invited to one each year. I'm not in the slightest bit upset because she has lots of friends from different groups and makes sure she spends time with them all in different ways. I couldn't give a hoot.

ancientgran · 20/10/2022 13:00

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/10/2022 12:45

They sound like abhorrent racists. I think they are a disgrace.

Show quote history

Thank you both. This thread has really helped me, I haven't been constantly dwelling on it but I was still hurt and I feel it is behind me now.

Thank you OP for starting this and I hope you are feeling a bit better too.

HowzAboutIt · 20/10/2022 18:16

@Badger1970 why do you follow them on FB??? Why on earth aren't they blocked?