Page 3 | Not invited to the party...

MonetMuse · 2022-10-19T06:34:17+00:00

I was chatting to a friend yesterday when she casually said, ‘Are you going to G’s 50th at the weekend?’ This was the first I’d heard of it so obviously my husband and I aren’t invited. My friend was really embarrassed when she realised… We live very close to the party couple and are part of a group that does lots of stuff together. The women have coffees, do an exercise class together, go to the cinema… My husband and I have been to the party couple’s house for dinner and they’ve been to ours. We’re not close friends exactly, I’ve closer friends in the group, but you get the picture. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like a real slight! I don’t think I’ve had this feeling since school days, the thought of everyone gathering to have fun just up the road and we’re not invited. I wonder if she just forgot to invite us.. she’s quite a scatty person… but how will I ever know? Do I just act as friendly as ever when we see each other for our class next week - and if anyone mentions the party, act like I didn’t hear? (If they don’t mention it, that might feel even worse!!)

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/10/2022 21:05

I'm 70 next birthday and apart from nice new family opposite we are the youngsters in the cul de sac. I'm trying not to imagine a swingers party. I'm really really trying.

I hope you don't dream about it tonight

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 21:09

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/10/2022 21:05

I'm 70 next birthday and apart from nice new family opposite we are the youngsters in the cul de sac. I'm trying not to imagine a swingers party. I'm really really trying.

I hope you don't dream about it tonight

Dream? I think that would officially qualify as a nightmare. I might be too scared to go to bed now. I'll try to concentrate on the cocaine instead.

bloodyeffinnora · 19/10/2022 21:09

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 21:05

Really? I thought it was quite common for parties to be around 20 - so not the whole class of 30. I’m referring more to the 10 that didn’t come, but one Mum in particular was pissed off. But prior to that, DD had never been invited to a party by that Mum - so I did invites by reciprocation of previous parties DD had attended. Surprised that is so ‘fucking disgusting’ and that Mumsnetters only ever do whole class parties…

sorry, i thought it was just one girl left out not 10

WhenIgrowolder · 19/10/2022 21:31

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 21:05

Really? I thought it was quite common for parties to be around 20 - so not the whole class of 30. I’m referring more to the 10 that didn’t come, but one Mum in particular was pissed off. But prior to that, DD had never been invited to a party by that Mum - so I did invites by reciprocation of previous parties DD had attended. Surprised that is so ‘fucking disgusting’ and that Mumsnetters only ever do whole class parties…

I knew what you meant - can't believe so many posters thought you'd just left one child in class out! Don't think they read your post fully

Original poster

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 22:38

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 17:22

I sympathise. I really haven't had this sort of reaction since I was a teenager and that was a long long time ago but it happened to me. I live in a small cul de sac, 8 houses. The first lockdown was long and hard, my children all live far away, they all stayed in university cities or settled in their wife's city so we didn't see anyone. Truthfully the only people I spoke to face to face were the post woman and the Sainsbury's delivery men. My husband is disabled and it was tough.

Come the VE celebrations in the June, we went out for a drive and as we got back nextdoor were setting out stuff on their drive. I thought they were having friends round, no issue but it was quite pointed how she turned away and ignored us. It was actually the people in the other six houses in our cul de sac who were at the BBQ that evening, everyone but us. They were just next to my front window and I sat there feeling so left out. It went on till midnight and at that point I slammed the window shut as I couldn't bear to listen to them chatting and laughing any longer.

I couldn't believe how upset I felt so I do understand but there isn't much to do is there.

Oh that is sad. Sounds like you're better off without this unpleasant bunch but it must have felt really painful. Especially after going through covid. As another poster said, you'll just have to think of them as secret swingers from now on!

OP posts:

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/10/2022 22:44

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 21:05

Really? I thought it was quite common for parties to be around 20 - so not the whole class of 30. I’m referring more to the 10 that didn’t come, but one Mum in particular was pissed off. But prior to that, DD had never been invited to a party by that Mum - so I did invites by reciprocation of previous parties DD had attended. Surprised that is so ‘fucking disgusting’ and that Mumsnetters only ever do whole class parties…

I too thought you meant only one child from the class wasn't invited. I think it was your comment Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out.
that made me think that.
If there were 10 not invited then I take back my comment about it being vile to leave one child out, sorry. I was thinking it must be a small class in a private or village school.

Original poster

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 22:45

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 19:46

Do you ever phone/text/see the birthday woman yourself or is it always a group chat/group get together friendship?

Yes, occasionally. We've been for coffees, dog walks and that sort of thing, just the two of us. Not for a while now but we're always friendly with each other. So it does feel unpleasant and I'm not really sure what to think... And yes, the party's at their house, so it's not like they couldn't fit us in

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 19/10/2022 23:05

Urgh how upsetting bad luck. I have a large loose local friendship group and have that sinking sick feeling when others do stuff in sub groups but have to get over myself especially as I do too sometimes. But a big party and leaving you out is painful. I would be tempted to say something but probably not the right thing to do.

Upsidedownagain · 19/10/2022 23:08

That does sound mean and the host must be aware that you would notice. Unless there are connections between them and the other invitees that you are not aware of or it's a sit down meal and they only have 10 chairs or whatever?

I think I'd tell myself that I just wasn't in the close circle and try not to assume the host simply didn't like me. But I'd find it hard, I have to say. I'd never leave anyone out in that way, even if there were people I was less keen on in the group.

Beebumble2 · 19/10/2022 23:24

I feel for you OP. I have a close friend of 30 years +, who recently excludes me when organising outings with more recent friends.
It hurts, but things change, I’m moving forward with new friendships.

Catlover1970 · 20/10/2022 00:00

CookPassBabtridge · 19/10/2022 17:25

This is fucking disgusting.
You never leave 1 out, that poor child.

Either invite all class, all girls, all boys, or half the class.

Show quote history

I agree - vile!

Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 04:02

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 17:22

I sympathise. I really haven't had this sort of reaction since I was a teenager and that was a long long time ago but it happened to me. I live in a small cul de sac, 8 houses. The first lockdown was long and hard, my children all live far away, they all stayed in university cities or settled in their wife's city so we didn't see anyone. Truthfully the only people I spoke to face to face were the post woman and the Sainsbury's delivery men. My husband is disabled and it was tough.

Come the VE celebrations in the June, we went out for a drive and as we got back nextdoor were setting out stuff on their drive. I thought they were having friends round, no issue but it was quite pointed how she turned away and ignored us. It was actually the people in the other six houses in our cul de sac who were at the BBQ that evening, everyone but us. They were just next to my front window and I sat there feeling so left out. It went on till midnight and at that point I slammed the window shut as I couldn't bear to listen to them chatting and laughing any longer.

I couldn't believe how upset I felt so I do understand but there isn't much to do is there.

That's so nasty!! Why would people do things like that?!

FindingMyself1999 · 20/10/2022 05:30

Did you know it was her 50th? Have you chipped in for a prezzie? If not you can’t be that close

upsidedown21 · 20/10/2022 05:43

I know how your feeling op . It's horrible . I went from sad to angry . One of my best friends from our school days got married 4 years ago . All our friends were invited to the wedding and party but I was only invited to the party . I didn't go or tell her I wasn't going to turn up .

Somanysocks · 20/10/2022 05:50

@Catlover1970 keep up love!

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 20/10/2022 06:12

Sorry if I missed something OP (I have RTFT but it's very early!)
Isn't it still possible that (a) your invitation has gone 'missing' or (b) you're not the only one not to be invited?
The fa

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 20/10/2022 06:19

....hit 'post' too soon, sorry. The fact that it was mentioned to you in front of others suggests an oversight to me. In any case, it's horrible to feel excluded. A PP suggested doing something lovely on the night - definitely do that if you can.

Oblomov22 · 20/10/2022 07:23

I too think Tipsy was a bit harsh, and it's not fomo. It's a slight. Makes you realise you aren't as close a friend as you thought and that's not nice. I would mention it casually next time I saw her.

KweenieBeanz · 20/10/2022 07:54

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 21:05

Really? I thought it was quite common for parties to be around 20 - so not the whole class of 30. I’m referring more to the 10 that didn’t come, but one Mum in particular was pissed off. But prior to that, DD had never been invited to a party by that Mum - so I did invites by reciprocation of previous parties DD had attended. Surprised that is so ‘fucking disgusting’ and that Mumsnetters only ever do whole class parties…

Parties for 20 are horrible and not the done thing. Right from the off more children are invited than are not so those remaining 10 will naturally feel excluded because 'most' of the class are going. And in my experience people who organise them just want a way to exclude the more challenging kids but tell themselves they aren't excluding it's just a smaller party. You either invite whole class, or half or less.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/10/2022 08:01

Iamsodonewith2020 · 19/10/2022 11:54

It’s horrible OP. Have had this twice now. Most recently occurred when DH said him and the other husbands had decided to go away the weekend the wifes are on a spa weekend next weekend. Its the first i have heard about it and am definitely not invited/part of spa group. Really upset me and i can feel my MH sliding.

This is why I hate friendship groups. All too Cold Feet for me. I'm single now but in my last very long standing relationship I'm so glad we never did this. We had our own friends, and were invited to weddings and 30th/40th birthdays and everyone was friendly but that's it. The thought of women in the "group" in one little gang whilst the guys are in another gives me the creeps.

The big advantage now I finished the relationship is there's no taking sides or awkward moments.

theworldismyoyster2022 · 20/10/2022 08:10

@Tipsyturvychocolatemonster what a ridiculous response.

OP - I wouldn't worry too much. It could be a small gathering, she may have forgotten to invite you etc. whatever the reason is, try not to sweat it.

MarcelEtCeleste · 20/10/2022 09:57

I hate to say that this happened to me over Covid with a group I felt so happy and comfortable with, and it affected me in the same way. In fact, I was thinking about it only last night and the whole strength of feeling came back full-force.

Sadly, in my case, after missing out on that one event I was quickly out of the group entirely and I’ve still no understanding why.

I wish I could put it down to experience and move on but it had me combing through memories of our time together trying to identify what I’d done wrong and why I thought I was safely “in” with the group when they clearly didn’t feel the same way. This is the worst part - the possibility that all along I was blindly enjoying their company, not realising that all the while they were perhaps only tolerating me and trying to avoid me. It’s really knocked my confidence and has me questioning my social skills and likeability.

I’m now in a situation where I’m making lots of new friends and trying to be much more aware of my social interactions, but it’s exhausting being hyper aware and analysing constantly, and I’m nervous things will go the same way or my new friends will somehow know the old group, make the link and the blasted situation will continue to hound me forever!

Following for suggestions on how to stop reliving/overthinking it and move on.

ancientgran · 20/10/2022 10:05

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 22:38

Oh that is sad. Sounds like you're better off without this unpleasant bunch but it must have felt really painful. Especially after going through covid. As another poster said, you'll just have to think of them as secret swingers from now on!

Show quote history

The thought of them being swingers is still making me laugh. It would include one with their oxygen tank, one with their wheelchair and at least one with a walking frame. It just isn't the typical picture of swingers is it although whatever turns them on I guess.

I might be a dirty old woman but if I wanted to join a swingers group I'd like some fit young men but that is a whole different story and I know I'm disgraceful.

ancientgran · 20/10/2022 10:08

MarcelEtCeleste · 20/10/2022 09:57

I hate to say that this happened to me over Covid with a group I felt so happy and comfortable with, and it affected me in the same way. In fact, I was thinking about it only last night and the whole strength of feeling came back full-force.

Sadly, in my case, after missing out on that one event I was quickly out of the group entirely and I’ve still no understanding why.

I wish I could put it down to experience and move on but it had me combing through memories of our time together trying to identify what I’d done wrong and why I thought I was safely “in” with the group when they clearly didn’t feel the same way. This is the worst part - the possibility that all along I was blindly enjoying their company, not realising that all the while they were perhaps only tolerating me and trying to avoid me. It’s really knocked my confidence and has me questioning my social skills and likeability.

I’m now in a situation where I’m making lots of new friends and trying to be much more aware of my social interactions, but it’s exhausting being hyper aware and analysing constantly, and I’m nervous things will go the same way or my new friends will somehow know the old group, make the link and the blasted situation will continue to hound me forever!

Following for suggestions on how to stop reliving/overthinking it and move on.

Making a joke of them is helping me. It must be worse for you, with us we knew the neighbours weren't keen on us, my husband isn't white and we live in a very white community and got the vibe we weren't welcome as soon as we moved in. Thinking you were really part of the group must make it harder. I hope you can work through it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2022 10:12

Its completely normal to feel upset OP. Inviting a whole friendship group bar one person, to anything where there isnt a strict number limit, is exclusionary. And just mean. Your other friends know its mean as well, otherwise they wouldnt have been embarrassed. Is there any youd can speak to and ask if they know why, without it getting back to the host?