Page 2 | Not invited to the party...

MonetMuse · 2022-10-19T06:34:17+00:00

I was chatting to a friend yesterday when she casually said, ‘Are you going to G’s 50th at the weekend?’ This was the first I’d heard of it so obviously my husband and I aren’t invited. My friend was really embarrassed when she realised… We live very close to the party couple and are part of a group that does lots of stuff together. The women have coffees, do an exercise class together, go to the cinema… My husband and I have been to the party couple’s house for dinner and they’ve been to ours. We’re not close friends exactly, I’ve closer friends in the group, but you get the picture. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like a real slight! I don’t think I’ve had this feeling since school days, the thought of everyone gathering to have fun just up the road and we’re not invited. I wonder if she just forgot to invite us.. she’s quite a scatty person… but how will I ever know? Do I just act as friendly as ever when we see each other for our class next week - and if anyone mentions the party, act like I didn’t hear? (If they don’t mention it, that might feel even worse!!)

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2022 16:05

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 15:56

I wouldn't dream of turning up empty-handed!

Show quote history

No, I’m not suggesting you would: however, post about hosting a party on MN and if its okay to ask your guests to contribute drinks or pay at the bar and and you’ll quickly receive a load of responses about how tacky and rude this is and how said responders would never dream of hosting a big party if they couldn’t afford to cover everything for all their guests, they’d just invite only as many people as they could afford. So if your hosts also feel that way, their guest list is going to be smaller.

I’ve no idea if this is the case or not, obviously. But for a “big” birthday they may well be feeling the pressure to host lavishly and have to exclude less close friends - which you yourself have identified yourselves as.

chopc · 19/10/2022 16:10

@MonetMuse I don't know why people try to justify that what happened is OK. You thought you were in a friendship group and you have horribly discovered that you were not considered important by this couple. It does hurt. You will approach things differently in the future and you will know where you stand. Yes it hurts. But they won't hurt you again

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 16:57

@MonetMuse

Its a horrible feeling that happens to everyone at some point.

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.

The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

TheDuck2018 · 19/10/2022 17:13

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.
The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

You left one child out, and then say you felt horrible....???? You should be ashamed of yourself, that is utterly shit behaviour, how must that child have felt? Just when you think you've heard it all....

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 17:22

I sympathise. I really haven't had this sort of reaction since I was a teenager and that was a long long time ago but it happened to me. I live in a small cul de sac, 8 houses. The first lockdown was long and hard, my children all live far away, they all stayed in university cities or settled in their wife's city so we didn't see anyone. Truthfully the only people I spoke to face to face were the post woman and the Sainsbury's delivery men. My husband is disabled and it was tough.

Come the VE celebrations in the June, we went out for a drive and as we got back nextdoor were setting out stuff on their drive. I thought they were having friends round, no issue but it was quite pointed how she turned away and ignored us. It was actually the people in the other six houses in our cul de sac who were at the BBQ that evening, everyone but us. They were just next to my front window and I sat there feeling so left out. It went on till midnight and at that point I slammed the window shut as I couldn't bear to listen to them chatting and laughing any longer.

I couldn't believe how upset I felt so I do understand but there isn't much to do is there.

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 17:24

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 16:57

@MonetMuse

Its a horrible feeling that happens to everyone at some point.

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.

The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

Poor you but no there isn't always one left out, some people arrange things so that doesn't happen.

CookPassBabtridge · 19/10/2022 17:25

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 16:57

@MonetMuse

Its a horrible feeling that happens to everyone at some point.

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.

The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

This is fucking disgusting.
You never leave 1 out, that poor child.

Either invite all class, all girls, all boys, or half the class.

DucklingDaisy · 19/10/2022 19:07

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 16:57

@MonetMuse

Its a horrible feeling that happens to everyone at some point.

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.

The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

If you had 21 people you needed to invite, you shouldn’t have gone for a venue with a 20 person limit (assuming that’s what it was, not a self-imposed limit, which would be even more indefensible).

I’m not surprised the mother didn’t speak to you, that was a very cruel thing of you to do.

Arenanewbie · 19/10/2022 19:30

@MonetMuse
I’ve been in a similar situation but we’ve got 3 children over the limit of the whole class was invited so I approached the venue and its manager allowed it.
I think it’s very wrong that you’ve excluded one child.

Arenanewbie · 19/10/2022 19:31

If the whole class was invited

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 19:37

I agree I would never put myself in a situation where someone was left out. My DS asked to invite 5 friends over. I asked how he was going to pick them as isn't he also mates with X, y and z??? He realized he had more than five friends and we agreed to have a big gathering where everyone was invited!!! I've been the one not invited. It's hurtful. Don't do it, don't teach your kids to do it!!!

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 19:39

I would never let a venue dictate to me what I do lol. Think I've been self employed for too long haha. I'd look for a bigger venue!!!!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/10/2022 19:41

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.
The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings

That is vile. There doesn't always have to be one who gets left out. Choose a different venue or invite 3/4 of the class/group so more don't go. How can anyone leave just one child out?

Googlecanthelpme · 19/10/2022 19:42

I would be upset too OP.

IF it is a small pay her head event then maybe I’d understand just inviting close friends and family.

if it is a party in the truest sense, like a house party or a venue where you pay the same no matter how many people come - well that just seems mean.
If you’re close enough to have them over for dinner then you’re certainly close enough to be invited to a party!

could you bite the bullet and text the friend who mentioned it and just say “I’ve had a think about X party and I was wondering do you know if it’s a small gathering or a big party as bit worried I might have upset her and not realised - if it’s a big do?”

If the friend can be relied on to be discreet that is - otherwise it might be a case of messaging the “friend” on the day and say “hope you have a fab party tonight, happy birthday to X, will look forward to seeing the pics” - passive aggressively of course!

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 19:46

Do you ever phone/text/see the birthday woman yourself or is it always a group chat/group get together friendship?

resipsa · 19/10/2022 19:52

I get the feeling of upset. I was at a BBQ a few years ago and one of the guests arranged a camping weekend. Everyone at the BBQ save me was invited. I found out about it just before they went when I bumped into someone buying last minute supplies. It's no secret that I hate camping and so rationally, it shouldn't have bothered me but it did. The organiser and I have since parted ways...(and she's now done similar to 2 others in the same group so I'm sure it was deliberate but at least her true counts are now widely known!).

resipsa · 19/10/2022 19:54

True counts should be true colours, obviously!

snoodles · 19/10/2022 19:55

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 17:22

I sympathise. I really haven't had this sort of reaction since I was a teenager and that was a long long time ago but it happened to me. I live in a small cul de sac, 8 houses. The first lockdown was long and hard, my children all live far away, they all stayed in university cities or settled in their wife's city so we didn't see anyone. Truthfully the only people I spoke to face to face were the post woman and the Sainsbury's delivery men. My husband is disabled and it was tough.

Come the VE celebrations in the June, we went out for a drive and as we got back nextdoor were setting out stuff on their drive. I thought they were having friends round, no issue but it was quite pointed how she turned away and ignored us. It was actually the people in the other six houses in our cul de sac who were at the BBQ that evening, everyone but us. They were just next to my front window and I sat there feeling so left out. It went on till midnight and at that point I slammed the window shut as I couldn't bear to listen to them chatting and laughing any longer.

I couldn't believe how upset I felt so I do understand but there isn't much to do is there.

That's really very very sad, to think people would have learnt about humanity during covid. Sorry you had to go through that

DialsMavis · 19/10/2022 19:55

Maybe they are all swingers? Or they all secretly take cocaine together? Could it be something as silly as it was organised via a Facebook event page and you are not on there?

mrslees1 · 19/10/2022 19:56

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 07:48

Gosh you’ve a real fomo. Do you even know what sort of party it is? Is there some form of back story in terms of paranoia, anxiety etc? They don’t need to invite everyone to a celebration and can have a minor get together

Don't hold back will you! Ouch!!!

DialsMavis · 19/10/2022 19:56

@ancientgran that is so hurtful of them 😥

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 20:17

snoodles · 19/10/2022 19:55

That's really very very sad, to think people would have learnt about humanity during covid. Sorry you had to go through that

Show quote history

Thank you. It was hurtful.

ancientgran · 19/10/2022 20:19

DialsMavis · 19/10/2022 19:55

Maybe they are all swingers? Or they all secretly take cocaine together? Could it be something as silly as it was organised via a Facebook event page and you are not on there?

That made me laugh. I'm 70 next birthday and apart from nice new family opposite we are the youngsters in the cul de sac. I'm trying not to imagine a swingers party. I'm really really trying.

bloodyeffinnora · 19/10/2022 21:03

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 16:57

@MonetMuse

Its a horrible feeling that happens to everyone at some point.

I arranged a party for DD, had 20 places - there was one child I would have invited had there been one more place. I based invites on who had invited DD in the past.

The Mum was fuming and never spoke to me again! Think - sadly - there is always one that gets left out. It was horrible as a host, and horrible for the girl. It’s the shit thing about parties - and why I now always go for small gatherings!

i feel so sorry for that girl, imagine if someone had done that to your daughter

Tractorcrisis · 19/10/2022 21:05

Really? I thought it was quite common for parties to be around 20 - so not the whole class of 30. I’m referring more to the 10 that didn’t come, but one Mum in particular was pissed off. But prior to that, DD had never been invited to a party by that Mum - so I did invites by reciprocation of previous parties DD had attended. Surprised that is so ‘fucking disgusting’ and that Mumsnetters only ever do whole class parties…