My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

They are also a gigantic, paranoid leap from the reality of where she's at, which is going to see a work colleague's new house. Which is as everyday dull and normal as... him her and you sitting on your sofa watching a film.

Step back for some breathing space. At this rate you're going to suffocate your marriage.

Just read your last post.

If they are discussing holidays together without you, watching movies together and spending time together at his house alone I think the relationship she has crossed the boundary of what is appropriate - it sounds like an affair.

I think you need to think carefully about whether this is a deal breaker for you. You need to be reasonable. She's doing nothing wrong, lot of women have male friends. I have male friends whom I am closer to than my female friends.

Presumably you married this woman believing that she is a good person and would not do something like cheating? It takes 2 people to have an affair. Regardless of whether he is interested, do you trust that she is not?

Being alone with a male friend is not inappropriate. I've lost count of how many times I've passed out at my best friends house and slept on his sofa. Nothing ever has or ever will happen between us.

You don't really have the option of allowing it or not, the friendship is what it is. But can you handle it? Without getting jealous and accusing her of all sorts and becoming controlling and possessive? Because if you can't then you need to think seriously about whether you want to stay in your marriage.

The one thing you can control here is you. You've every right to say its a deal breaker but you have to be prepared to walk away if she refuses to end the friendship, as she has every right to do. She knows you don't like it and hasn't broken it off so you do need to be prepared for her to say no, she won't be losing her friend because of your insecurity.

I think just really think hard about it. Neither if you are in the wrong but if you can't find a middle ground on something as trivial as each others friends then are you really compatible long term?

I still don't see anyone who condemned OP as jealous and possessive confirming that they would be up for their partner going around to a female colleague's place for the guided tour/drink wine/play board games/watch netflix, whatever at the weekend.

Married two months and suddenly a new friendship is blooming with a colleague? Of course we all need our own friends, but if my partner said he was uncomfortable with this, I'd pause and consider how I would feel, and actually, I wouldn't appreciate it either. Either you're very different and will have to find a way to rub along or, again, I think she just likes drama.

Ignore the vipers on here. Yes you should be worried, I would be. As a female, I would not put myself in the position where a male may take advantage...it does happen! You get so friendly that it can become difficult to fend off an advance from a man. Would she then go through with a kiss or more, because she doesn't want to 'offend' him??? Would this be likely? I don't hide male friends from my partner, but I wouldn't get into a situation with one either because I know what men are like!!! They will also vi for more, because its nature to be alpha male!! He doesn't care if she's married or not!

OP you’ll get some stick, but every post like this the other way round there are plenty of posters saying they “wouldn’t allow” this. No one calls them contrilling

She hasn't had movie nights though has she? Or planned holidays.

She's brought him round to meet you. You've all hung out together.

You want to ban her from meeting men on her own?

Do you have any female friends?

I'm sticking with my gut instinct. I distrust intensely any op who picks out the positive posters to solely thank

I also found to weird that you describe your wife as pretty and nice. It's very impersonal. What I'd use to describe an inanimate object.

Unless she is excluding and ignoring you, the crux of the matter is do you trust each other?

If you do then there should be no problem. Friends are fine and if (in the unlikely case) there were any inappropriate actions, they would be immediately shut down.

If you don't then why not?

And if she genuinely can't be trusted then this is not something that can be stopped by policing her. (and you will be better off without her)

Speaking from experience, I was very trustworthy but my ex was paranoid as heck (because he also knew how all men thought apparently). I was happy to reassure him but it was constant. Eventually it got too much, I left, and now I am with someone else.

Your update makes it a bit clearer thanks I guess only you can answer what you're OK with and leave her if you're not.

“Your a bloke so will be told your over stepping the mark on that basis alone, the truth is your not. If a woman wrote this the responses would be opposite.”

That was my thought also. Op is being called controlling, whilst on other threads, whereby the dh has formed a female alliance, then cries of emotional affair are usually shouted out.

The bloke might well have designs on her. Very likely.
So then it rests on her intentions and awareness and sense of agency.
I also find it weird that you describe her as pretty and nice.
What's her personality like? What are her preferences? Her future aspirations? Her strengths? Her weaknesses?

I think a woman might have different responses because she wouldn't suggest telling her partner she was 'on thin ice'

What does that even mean. Giving her an ultimatum?

I'd sincerely hope any adult would be able to have a reasonable conversation about it. If you can't then you have problems.

But talk of setting boundaries and saying it's dangerous and on thin ice doesn't make me think it's entirely reasonable.

I think you should try to make friends with this man too. That way he’ll see you as a couple. You can then both go and see his house, or meet up for a film or whatever.

I think there is a boundary with opposite sex friends, particularly when one or both is in a relationship. Anything that could be perceived as ‘romantic’ or anything at his private house alone seems wrong - just because it’s a bit disrespectful if nothing else. That doesn’t mean your DW has ill intent nor him, but sometimes people can become embroiled in an emotional affair without intending to.

Also, you’ve been married such a short time. You should be busy spending lots of time together. Think what you can arrange for just the two of you.

OP you won't get a fair hearing from some people in here. Have a look at this thread which is the opposite of your situation and take whatever advice is applicable: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4619240-opposite-sex-close-friend

Thanks all. Haha I do realize that describing her as pretty and nice is a bit shallow. Of course she’s more than that, but why would I describe her whole personality as it’s not relevant. Her beauty is relevant considered her male friend.

Having said that, she is real genuine, direct sweet and has a lot of principles, and she’s honest. So I know she won’t cheat on me. And if she would, she would tell me.

If this was the other way round the OP would be getting told to get her ducks in a row and check his phone.

OP i wouldn't like this if it was my DH

My post completely stands then. Bring him into your friendship group, if it's innocent he'll be up for that. Just don't put your or his shit onto her because she's being nice.

@Tom961 , I’m really sorry you’ve had some of the responses you’ve had. You’re essentially asking for help OP, and an ask for help should never be met with some of the comments you’ve had.

When I read your post, it seems to me that what’s driving your feelings is a lack of control in this situation. Not that you want to control your wife, but you want to ensure you’re not going to be in a situation that causes you upset. I think anyone commenting on this post would try and avoid a situation that has the potential to cause them pain. The reality is you can’t control how your wife shows up in this situation, you can only control how you show up.

As it stands your wife hasn’t done anything to betray your trust, but having open communication is key. It sounds like you’ve already shared with her that you have some concerns and I think that’s a really brave thing to do. Personally, I would keep that open level of communication.

Having boundaries is really important - and they work both ways. They might be things like, we don’t talk about our relationship/sex life with other people, or, we don’t stay over at the house of a different sex friend, or, what both of you consider to be physical/emotional betrayal (some people have very different views on this). I would suggest both of you come up with these boundaries; ask her what boundaries she would put in place if you had a similar relationship with a female colleague for example. In doing this you’re not imposing all of these things, but instead your mutually agreeing how each other wants to be treated, and what’s fair.

End of the day, relationships are partnerships so it’s about how you’ll partner to navigate situations that either of you may find uncomfortable now and in the future.

Thanks for your honest post!

I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years.

I can't get past how odd it seems to describe your partner of 3 years as 'a very pretty and nice woman'. It's unecessarily specific yet utterly nondescript at the same time.

I do wonder if you don't see her as a whole, complex, independent person but rather a possession of yours to be admired within a specific niche in your life and home.

She’s going to have sex with him if she hasn’t already! Both sexes can’t be so close mates without one having other thoughts. I think it’s you that should run or make a female friend and do the same to your wife until she realises how it feels

Absolutely spot one !!

I am not sure there is really such a thing as a close platonic friendship, OP - not unless it is based on a deep interest in a specific subject that they share. So, I think YANBU to be concerned. It sounds as though there is an attraction, otherwise why is she so keen on frequent contact. If it really is platonic, she wouldn't really be that bothered. Sorry no advice, but that is what it sounds like from your post.
Maybe as your marriage is so new, you could sit down with your wife and discuss what you both feel you should have in place in terms of boundaries in the marriage. You don't necessarily need to bring this man up in the discussion, but keep it general, and see what she says.

Oh yes, all of this ^^^

@Tom961 , Also, just to add, I think you need to think about how you are going to manage yourself in this situation. For instance, when you get a feeling of doubt or jealousy, what can you do? It might be going out with friends, keeping busy, watching TV - doesnt’ really matter but I’d think about some of those coping mechanisms now. Once you’ve agreed some boundaries it’s only fair that you manage your own feelings towards her friendship.

I would say the OP is unreasonable and controlling whether they’re a man or a woman and have said as much to women on other posts describing similar.

of course there is such a thing as a close platonic friendship. There’s even such a thing as platonic love. I certainly wouldn’t put up with a partner casting aspersions on my friendships and I wouldn’t try and police theirs either. You either trust each other or you don’t. Putting boundaries in place that are wholly based in sexism isn’t going to deter someone who’s minded to cheat.

As for people saying ‘I know what men are like’/‘they might take advantage’ etc have you thought of maybe not being friends with rapey misogynists?