My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

Argh, Zombie thread thanks to MN similar posts!

Move to new thread on advice of being a zombie post. Sorry got confused with new post and new thread option.

You're right to set boundaries like no spending time together alone with male friends, no going on holiday alone together, no spending the night alone together, etc. Those are pretty normal and healthy boundaries for monogamous relationships, it would be considered controlling if you made her walk to work instead of carpooling with a male coworker or something like that. She needs to address the fact that it makes you uncomfortable, even if it's platonic I can say for certain that there's no guarantee that it'll stay that way. Idk any single straight guys that don't want to play hide the sausage with a pretty woman or wouldn't even try. Maybe right now things are ok, but eventually with her being so close to another person her heart is gonna open up to deeper topics, maybe even topics that she doesn't feel like she can share with you (emotional infidelity). Once that point hits there's no going back, he's handsome and she obviously likes to be around him, emotional intimacy is the spark she needs to see him as a sexual option.

Set boundaries with her, explain your side of things, like how she would be clearly uncomfortable if you spent the night with a pretty woman or went on holiday with a pretty and very close coworker. In those scenarios I can promise you that guys will have their mind on sex in some way, including yourself. It's very clearly not something most people would be comfortable with

She needs to acknowledge that everyone is human and have vulnerabilities, and that just because nothing has happened before doesn't mean that nothing can happen

I wonder what the situation is now? I personally don’t think these situations ever develop in a way that is beneficial to the primary relationship, why even involve yourself in something like this? With the huge number of stories of betrayal and infidelity that appear regularly, make sure you set boundaries and stick to them.

you are within your rights. tell her you are not comfortable and be firm. its nothing to do with control, its all to do with how you feel. If she loves you, she will look after your heart. no, its not paranoia, in a lot of cases, this is how an affair starts. all this talk about accepting - well it goes both ways. if you dont feel comfortable, then she should know and accept it too.

good analogy.

You are disgusting, nothing in that sounded "controlling". You dont go to another dudes house alone when you are married. What the fuck are you talking about?