My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

Give me her number. I'll tell her to run

At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting

Not allowing your wife? Your mindset is wrong. Has she ever done anything to make you so distrustful of her?

I think your main boundary should be around controlling and managing your own insecurities.

It is probably all perfectly innocent and, for all you know, he may not be interested in women in a 'romantic' way. However you must speak frankly with your wife and express your concerns which are quite understandable. She will no doubt be able to reassure you.

I don't know - do you live somewhere where she's likely to be stoned for adultery? Otherwise, you sound horribly controlling.

To be fair, if it was a woman writing this post about her handsome husband spending lots of time with his pretty single coworker, including meeting up separately, going to her house & messaging frequently...the replies would all be assuming affair and LTB. But because it's a man posting it must mean he's controlling? If I was to gain a new friendship with a handsome coworker, go to his house, meet him without my partner, message him...I sure as hell expect my partner to have some worries! Just as I would if it was the opposite way around. It doesn't mean we are controlling, it means you absolutely can be friends with the opposite sex but when you're married there has to be boundaries surely??

I agree she's putting herself in a dangerous position. The majority of affairs do not begin with the intention of an affair. I would be honest with her and say you feel uncomfortable with it. Of course you can't forbid it because you don't control her but you can definitely be honest about your feelings about it and ask how she would feel if it was the other way around.

Christ almighty, what have I just read? Respectfully, you're not 'protecting' her - you're oppressing her. Just because she wants a male friend doesn't mean she wants to shag him FGS.

OP, I have stayed away with platonic male friends. Does my husband mind? No, because he trusts me, knows there's nothing going on and he's not jealous and controlling.

Your wife has given you no reason to be concerned about her friendship. I think you need to work on your issues.

Yanbu to feel uncomfortable. People are going to nitpick not because you're a man and they feel offended that you disparage opposite sex friendships.

I stand somewhere in the middle. Yes, things can be platonic, but you're not jealous and controlling for being uncomfortable. I think your position of all opposite sex friendships being disingenuous is untrue, but there's truth in it, anecdotally.

I would not be happy if I was told to put up and shut up, and I have to trust no matter what. What is she planning to do round his? Is his partner there?

I think this could become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're a controlling ass about it. You're only just married. If you don't trust her now, you never will and the relationship has no future anyway. Trust her and see if she proves worthy of it. If so, then you're all good. If not, then it was doomed anyway. You setting rules to satisfy your insecurities and control her won't do anything to help the situation.

... because you'll come across badly and drive her into this other guy's arms (if indeed she likes him that way, as it is she's just married you and is just his friend).

I keep seeing 'protective' used like this but it's wrong in the sense that you're not protecting her, you're protecting your 'ownership' of her. The word you mean is 'possessive'.

Boot on the front ther foot, I would not appreciate it one bit if my husband was behaving in this way and I'll bet many of those so quick to condemn you would have an issue with it too. It sounds like she is trying to create drama.

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations what is dangerous about it?

I'd start by getting to actually know your wife, 'pretty and nice' are not her most important characteristics.

Secondly, you either trust her or you don't. If you trust her, then bring this guy into your friendship circle.

If you don't trust her let her be with someone who deserves her.

It’s one thing, if after a long marriage a spouse develops sudden friendship with a person of opposite sex - I can see how people may get insecure.
But she has worked there for two years - and presumably were friends with him for a while already. So if anything were to happen - she’d not have married you.
You we’re Ok with the friendship before - but now that you are married - you feel like you need ‘to establish boundaries’????
Because now you own her? Right

Your a bloke so will be told your over stepping the mark on that basis alone, the truth is your not. If a woman wrote this the responses would be opposite.

it could be genuine, but the chances are higher that it’s not and something is/will go on between the two of them

I think you have to approach this from the position that if she does cheat on you, she’s really not someone you want to be spending your life with. And if she wants to cheat, she’ll do it regardless of any barriers you try to impose.

FWIW I wouldn’t like it in your shoes either, but the quickest way to end your marriage will be imposing conditions on who she socialises with and when. Take a deep breath, make sure you’re putting effort into your marriage and show her you trust her by not going overboard on this.

“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?

No one thinks like this!

Thank you triptothebog, LBFseBrom, namechanged454, Mschatterbox, signonthewindow for your elaborate reponses and explanations.

for the rest: read my post again. Why such an aggressive stance on this matter? Im clearly saying that my wife is a free individual and that I can’t stop her from meeting him. Im not at all controlling: she can do whatever the F she wants in her life. I’m only expressing my concerns as I’m finding it dangerous to be one on one in a private place with a single male. It’s different in Public. I know how the majority of men think. And I do know that generally women tend to underestimate the intensions and feeling of male friends (which you probably won’t agree with) I do realize she loves me and doesn’t cheat on me, but at the same time I do know that feelings (sexually or emotionally) can evolve fairly quickly in certain settings.

the issue is not her having a male
friend, the main point is what one should be OK with and what not; holidays together, movie nights one on one? Sleeping over? I believe that spending time alone at a single man’s place just touches the boundary of what is OK. Maybe I didn’t express my point clearly, or maybe some of you just went for the attack after just skimming my post. I hope it’s clearer now anyway.

I'm with you on this, even if her intentions are platonic, a lot of men will take an opportunity to try on more with an attractive woman, yes she has the power to say no but if he wants more it's going to put her in an awkward situation or perhaps she is having an affair. If you don't like it, don't stay with her.

Men do think in a different way. I had a gym buddy I regarded as a good friend until I found he had put me in his phone contacts as Davy. Why?

How exactly do you think "it's dangerous to be one on one in a private place with a single man?"

Are you assuming he will attack or assult here? Are you assuming she can't control herself? I'm not understanding your fear. Maybe if I did, I would get it.

I can understand your fears and can relate to them. However your paranoia is probably deeply unattractive to her as is the idea of controlling/putting boundaries on her friendships with men because you are insecure. She married you and chose you. You have to accept that a person will do things you don't like or disagree with.