My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

Most people aren't onboard with staying at exes overnight alone. You're clearly very trusting, if that's what it is.

Actually it's my husband that's trusting but I've given him no reason not to trust me. If I wanted to cheat, it wouldn't be with one of my closer male friends. It would be like dating my brother, just wrong. Same on their side, there's zero attraction.

We married just after Uni and it's our 25 year anniversary next year, so the trust is working ok for us. The wives of my male friends also have male friends and ex colleagues they socialise with one on one so it's normal behaviour in our group.

Attitudes to friendship between the sexes seem to strongly differ between social groups.

@PastMidnight I get that. It's just the language. Gorgeous, attractive, fun, vibrant. Anything other than nice. It's very bland.

I just don't get what she's done. She's invited him round and made the op a part of the friendship. He's not mentioned anything untoward. No flirting. She messages him on WhatsApp (big deal) and apparently he's read these messages and concedes there's nothing flirty or of concern there.

The op feels 'anger' because she has suggested going to see his new house. When she's given him nothing to be concerned about this feels an overreaction.

I also think like a pp when the op says boundaries he means rules. What rules can he give his wife about what's acceptable.

His language is frankly odd. Why would his go-to be telling she's on thin ice. Why can't he have an adult conversation and tell her how he feels?

Also for the record anyone who spoke of 'not allowing' their partner to do stuff would get short shrift from me. Male or female.

It's good you feel she's an honest sort, OP.

If a female posted here for advice because she was worried about her partner spending too much time with one single man, would you ask her why she can't have an adult conversation with her partner and tell him how she feels? I suspect not. Obviously the OP is asking us anonymously because he is sounding us out to see what comes back, which in turn will hep him to make a decision as to what to do next. Surely that's the whole point of the forum?

As for his language, why are you so hung up on his description of his wife? He didn't say those were her only attributes, he's simply picking them out because horny men like attractive women! Again, if a female poster started a thread in which she said her handsome partner was spending time with a single man, would you have made the focus of your post the fact that she described her partner as handsome when she could have referred to his skills at chess or would you focus on trying to help her?

Give the guy a break, it's not sexist to describe your wife as pretty FFS and he's presumably a first-team poster and a bit nervous.

Putting myself in your shoes here.. and thinking of my partner having an attractive, single women as a friend, going over to her house etc.. I’m sorry it just wouldn’t happen.

He knows that would overstep the mark for me. Im not in any way controlling and ofc he is allowed to have friends male and female but to have a close friendship with a woman who is single and attractive he knows that would instantly make me feel uncomfortable, so he just feels wouldn’t do it. I’d like to think if he did make friends with a woman, she’d be happy to spend time with us both or within a circle of friends. One on one time seems to intimate in my opinion.

"One single man"
I meant one single woman

@PastMidnight I see you've ignored all the stuff about the language where I've pointed out his desire to control his wife.

He's not actually said he's concerned she's spending too much time with him. He said he was angry because she wanted to go and see his new house.

The other times he's mentioned her seeing him has been with the op.

But then he's since clarified he doesn't think she'll cheat. She's a very trustworthy person. So what does he want? He either trusts her or not. And in a normal relationship he should be able to bring up concerns about the other guys intentions.

But as he literally has nothing to say other than he's a very good looking guy and he's 'competition' i'm not sure what his complaint is.

I don't believe this is a real post.

Incidentally, I had a close male friend from our young, free and single days. Stayed at each other's houses, went on holiday together and so on. Totally platonic although I realised at some point that he would have liked more. (I didn't, because I didn't fancy him. Can't explain why I didn't fancy him; sexual attraction is just one of those things.

When he became serious with the woman who eventually became his wife, he told me she would prefer it if he no longer stayed over at mine. I respected that because he's my friend. I wouldn't have wanted to put him in an awkward position with her. It didn't affect my relationship with either of them; we're still friends although our lives have gone in different directions.

You would have thought this guy would have asked her if her husband (you) was ok with her spending all this time alone with him. Surely a friend would ask that question, not wanting to put her in an awkward position? It MUST have come up in conversation.

You say that you don’t “believe in male-female friendships”. You talk about “setting boundaries” and “allowing” and “letting her” .

I had a husband who told me that it was “totally inappropriate for married women to have male friends”. I stuck it out almost 20 years and at his request cut off every male friend, including guys I had known before I even met him.

He read all my emails. To everyone. In one case I corresponded with a childhood friend - totally happily married with children who also lived several thousand miles away - and pretty soon he banned that conversation too.

I stuck it out for almost 20 years. He’s now an ex husband and I have reconnected with the friends I dropped. I definitely made the right choice.

You have said your wife is honest and she has told you that there is no romance between them. You go on about holidays and staying overnight alone together and movies on the couch — and absolutely none of these things have even begun to be suggested. She has apparently included you in most of these outside work social engagements.

And for all those saying I would say the opposite if a woman posted this, I absolutely would not. You either trust your partner or you don’t.

Distrust in a marriage/ partnership is toxic and likely to end badly. Distrust when there is not the slightest evidence that any reasonable boundary has been crossed smacks of coercive control. If you keep it up you will likely lose your wife, and so you should.

"I see you've ignored all the stuff about the language where I've pointed out his desire to control his wife."

Yes, because I don't share your view that he's trying to control her or that there's something wrong with his language.

With regard to the rest of your post, I don't think you'd tell a female poster worried that her partner was cheating, "either you trust him or not and if you have a normal relationship, you should be able to bring up your concerns about the other woman's intentions".

It doesn't matter what the OP's motives for posting are. He's asking for advice, which other people in a similar situation will read and apply to their own situations.

@PastMidnight he's not worried she's cheating. He's said so explicitly.

He also has no evidence of anything untoward whatsoever.

Of course anyone male or female with an actual problem I'd be supportive.

It appears the problem here is she has an attractive male friend who he sees as competition.

He sounds massively controlling if real

Of course movies alone together on the sofa in his living room, let alone spending the night together or going on holiday, would be wholly inappropriate, but nobody, except the OP, in his wild imagination, has proposed any such thing!

This is not going to end well if he keeps it up.

Aah her now and report back to us

Sad fact is there is a surplus of men. Some guys can't compete on the single scene so do sad things like sniffing around married women and painting themselves as the better option.
Being controlling and jealous isn't cool,but I think there needs to be some comprising on her part.

Neither would I,and like you,I am sure most women wouldn't like it.

OP I think you should change your username and start a new thread with all the genders reversed. Guaranteed the majority will be telling you you're a fool and they're already having an affair. Expect to be told 'get your ducks in a row' on repeat.

Now back to your dilemma. IMO you're entitled to be concerned but not to allow or not allow her to do anything.

Is there a reason she's going alone? I don't think going to his house is a big deal anyway. What was the vibe like when you went playing sports? You could be right that guys usually have passive interest in friendships but women very often do not.

Also, a really confident and secure partner is extremely attractive.

I don't think trust is the only issue here.

I trust my partner implicitly and would have no worries that he might cheat, even if he stayed overnight at a female friend's house. It would however piss me off enormously if I thought the female in question believed she had a chance with him. I'm not insecure at all so perhaps evolution is to 'blame' for one becoming annoyed about someone sniffing around one's partner. I just don't think it's appropriate to put the person you love in that situation without at least checking first that they don't mind.

That said, I would have thought that attitudes to this type of thing would or should have been discussed before marriage.

Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice

Anyone defending this attitude should be ashamed. All she's done is agreed to see her workmate's new gaff. The rest is in the OP's head. This poor woman will eventually have to get a new job or leave the OP because it will just get worse and worse.

This sums it up for me

For those who are saying “yeah, but if genders were reversed” , in this case

The wife has let her partner see all messages that they have exchanged and he has agreed that they aren’t at all inappropriate or flirty.

She has included her husband in every outside work social engagement that the OP has mentioned. The boardgames were not played at the other man’s house - they were at the OP’s house together with his wife! She has tried to include her new husband in this friendship / work relationship.

The ONLY instance of meeting alone that the OP has mentioned is that she has proposed to go see his new house. That’s it. Full stop. Maybe he could say, “great idea, I’ll come too!” But instead he is getting worried about whether or not to “let” her continue this relationship.

Absolutely ALL that talk about spending the night together alone at his house, watching movies together alone at his house, going on holidays together has apparently NEVER been proposed, hasn’t happened and appears to be entirely a figment of OP’s catastrophising. It is all fantasy in his head.

(Yes, if any of those things actually happened - or even were suggested - it would be right to say that if the shoe were on the other foot…

But what is actually happening here is that a man has said he “doesn’t believe in male-female friendships” that he is worrying about “letting” his wife have such a friendship or “allowing” her to interact with him.

He has made up a whole fantasy in his head which is all about his new wife needing to be stopped from putting herself in a dangerous position.

This is a serious control issue, not an infidelity one.

I think you're reading far too much into the OP's use of "let" and "allow", which are used in the context of setting boundaries. I don't suppose he was checking his thesaurus whilst typing, looking for words that you might find more appropriate.

"Absolutely ALL that talk about spending the night together alone at his house, watching movies together alone at his house, going on holidays together has apparently NEVER been proposed, hasn’t happened"

Yes, that's clear. It's clear to me that the OP was wondering where things might lead. He never said any of these things had happened, so why are you intimating that he did?

What's wrong with the wife asking the OP if he minds before arranging things with this guy?

Why is she going to see his house anyway? Is it even a necessary part of their friendship? The OP should give it no more thought, stop the jealous ruminations. Let his wife crack on, if in the unlikely event the guy does try it on, she can put him right.

In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit.

He didn't say she showed him the messages. Just that he'd read them. He could have looked at her phone. The wife so far has done nothing but say she's going to see her work colleague's new house. The OP hasn't said this is a new work colleague so presumably she's known him for 2 years?