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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opposite sex close friend

136 replies

October03 · 25/08/2022 15:00

Should I be able to be ok with my husband having a close female friend? This is a new friend, they text regularly, go to karate twice a week and go cycling twice a week together. I am really struggling with this, am I being immature?

OP posts:
masinfortunelli · 25/08/2022 15:02

Have you met her?

BogOffTraceyBeaker · 25/08/2022 15:04

Not immature. Unsure of whether men and women can just be friends maybe.
why don’t you do karate or cycling?

Does he hide his phone?

if he got a message and you picked up his phone to give it to him how would he react?

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:06

No I haven't met her yet but I have said this is something I feel would help

OP posts:
Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:07

We have 3 children so doing activities together is difficult, child care is tricky to arrange. He has always been protective of his phone for the whole 19 years we have been together. He wouldn't show me their messages if I asked

OP posts:
masinfortunelli · 25/08/2022 15:08

Definitely invite her round.

Hiddenvoice · 25/08/2022 15:10

If they were friends long before you met then I’d say it’s fine and pretty normal but this is a new friend which would make me feel uncomfortable. I’m all for partners having their own friends and having some independent time but this feels like too much. So do they meet up 4 times a week?
Id say to him that you want to meet her and that you feel uncomfortable with the situation.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:11

I will talk to him about that again but last time he said that would be weird for her, I suggested doing a bbq for all his karate friends but again he said he would see as he dosent want to feel like he is being watched constantly

OP posts:
DuckDuckNo · 25/08/2022 15:13

So..

He spends 4 evenings a week with her while you take care of the children and he doesn't want you to meet him or "watch" him with her?

This does not sound like a friendship.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:14

Yeah at the moment it is 4 times a week, 2 are in a group of karate friends and they are grading partners. The cycling is just the 2 of them for 2-3 hrs a time. I have told him it is something ibfind really hard but he wants this friendship

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 15:16

October03 · 25/08/2022 15:11

I will talk to him about that again but last time he said that would be weird for her, I suggested doing a bbq for all his karate friends but again he said he would see as he dosent want to feel like he is being watched constantly

But he is being watched isn't he.

Do they meet on their own or is it as part of a group?

Do you trust him? If they're going to get up to no good it'll happen whether you trust him or not. All you're doing is stressing yourself.

Whataretheodds · 25/08/2022 15:17

4 times per week
He wouldn't show you their messages
You don't do activities together.
Sounds rubbish.

Do you get to do 4 of your own hobby sessions per week?

safetyfreak · 25/08/2022 15:18

Sounds like he is dating her. Why do you put up with this?

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:20

They are on their own for 2 of them and no I don't trust him, unfortunately trust has been a difficulty that we are working on but I didn't want to punish him forever for making a mistake 5yrs ago

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 15:21

October03 · 25/08/2022 15:14

Yeah at the moment it is 4 times a week, 2 are in a group of karate friends and they are grading partners. The cycling is just the 2 of them for 2-3 hrs a time. I have told him it is something ibfind really hard but he wants this friendship

The karate I can understand but two cycling sessions with just the two of them may be OK but I wouldn't like it. But then I can't think of a reason anyone would choose to cycle for two hours twice a week.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:21

Not at the moment, I am trying to find some activities I can do that I would enjoy and see if he supports me to do those

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 15:23

If he has form and you don't trust him he should be going out of his way to earn that trust back.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:23

It started with me just wanting to support him and his interests, I wanted him to be able to do the things he enjoys but it has gone beyond that and one sided along the way

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 15:24

October03 · 25/08/2022 15:21

Not at the moment, I am trying to find some activities I can do that I would enjoy and see if he supports me to do those

Take up cycling and join them

Whataretheodds · 25/08/2022 15:24

This has more red flags than a communist rally.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:28

I do like cycling but doing things together is really difficult because of childcare

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 15:31

If they're old enough family bike rides, see a few of these around here at the weekend.

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 15:34

An example of a blatantly unfair marriage.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 15:34

That is something we do but he is preparing for doing london to brighton, that's why he goes for such long rides, not something kids would enjoy

OP posts:
Veiaola · 25/08/2022 15:35

He is taking you for a mug and that bit about his friend would find it uncomfortable to come to a bbQ 😳 he’s at it. The no access to his phone either another big red flag from my own experience. Can u pretend ur phone broke and want to use his to see what his reaction is to see if he goes out of room to delete stuff or stands over you whilst u use it. Sounds like yet another bloke who wants the happy life at home and the joys of a mistress. Is she single btw? I would put money on that she is. Listen to your gut, it does Not feel right it probably is not.

Facecream · 25/08/2022 15:36

Who exactly does he think he is? He gets 4 evenings with a “friend” and you have no free time?
What was his “mistake” 5 years ago?