My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

@Tom961 She’s put you in the position of either being controlling if you object, or a mug if you don’t.

I personally would not be happy about this situation and would point out the position she has put you in. You are now married, it’s essential that you feel free communicate these kinds of things.

And to PPs who have said she is free, no she’s not. You are not free in a marriage. You live by consensus and compromise.

My ex wife developed a new friendship with her male yoga instructor, who also happened to be our youngest childs school teacher. He was single, and the friendship developed and ran quite similar to what is described here. Going out for coffee, texted a lot, went over to his house to hang out. Didn't bother me in the least. I didn't have any reservations at all. I trusted her.

The friendship lasted about a year, then I filed for divorce when I discovered the affair. In retrospect, he'd done a great job of grooming her, but she is a grown adult woman with full agency who should have known exactly what was going on.

@Tom961 She’s put you in the position of either being controlling if you object, or a mug if you don’t

Best comment of the thread.

Maybe his partner is possessive. Men don’t think differently as a whole at all. Some men do, some men don’t.

Come on' we all know what a huge percentage of men are like or 1 in 3 women wouldn't have suffered SA at some stage in their lives.

I wouldn't be happy with your wife starting what could very well be an emotional affair.

You can't stop the friendship though, wait and see how it pans out.

I shall certainly.be looking forward to seeing these same posters telling the next wife who posts about her husband's new young, attractive female friend that it's her problem.

I find whilst most women can indeed have good male friendships based on interests and personality , I've not met many men who go out their way to be close personal friends with women without 'some level' of ' sexual/romantic interest' (even if it's one sided) - unless it's at the young Uni stage or they have a shared consuming interest like model railways or something.

Your marriage may involve you not being free, but mine doesn’t operate like that, and it’s lasted several decades with us both having close opposite-sex friends we see at will. I can’t imagine a marriage where my spouse got to veto my friendships. That level of suspicion is no way to live.

One cannot set boundaries for another person. When they do, it is called an ultimatum, threat, demand. Boundaries are for the person setting them, for themselves. They are essentially a persons deal breakers.

For example, I cannot be in a relationship with someone who engages in datelike activities, and other relationshippy kinds of things with members of the opposite sex to my exclusion.

That has nothing to do with my partner at all, but everything to do with me. My partner is free to do and act however she likes, however, she is not free to expect that I will stay in a relationship with her.

I set an ultimatum for a very similar situation like this a few years ago. Someone (in a relationship might I add) appeared on the scene and tried to create a friendship with now DH, all very suddenly. I don’t really care if it sounds crazy and old fashioned: making friends with a person of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship is weird. Let alone when you are married. Unless they are clearly gay and not interested.

Shoe on the other foot would she really be ok with it? It’s a matter of respect. DH probably wouldn’t say anything for fear of seeming controlling if I announced I were to go to the pub with one of my long term male friends that I met back when we were all young and single. But I now see that it would make him uncomfortable so I don’t do it without him. He doesn’t even know I’ve made that decision. Neither of us are controlling people FWIW. It’s just about respecting the other person. If he had lots of female friends from eg school maybe I would think differently, but he doesn’t.

I hope you are able to have an honest chat with her about this op and gently explain how it’s making you uncomfortable. Best of luck ❤️

Exactly this! If you were a woman writing about how your husband is planning to stay the night at his attractive colleagues house, then people would be saying affair. I think you have a right to be worried. You should sit your wife down and say inva calm way how this is making you feel. If she completely dimisses your concerns, I would smell a rat.

Ffs how reaching.

Whoosh!

are bisexual people allowed any friends in your world?

I don't understand why people are making digs and snide comments about other people's views on what is or isn't acceptable with regard to having friends of the opposite sex whilst being in a relationship. It doesn't matter what works in your world, does it? We're discussing the OP's situation and what works in his world. I've personally found it very interesting listening to all the different views. It's enlightening and food for thought. Hopefully the OP can pick out what he can identify with. We don't all have to live our lives in the same way.

@PastMidnight

That's the beauty of mumsnet, you are not allowed negative emotions only possitive ones, and a single mindedness which only allows the op to have the same life experiences as the poster. Mn sometimes feels like a parallel universe where everyone does not have real emotions. You should only speak of confidence, self respect, contentment and happiness, the real fact of life is anything of any worth is usually born out of pain, heart break and hardship, these are the interesting people in my view, the truth speakers, the authors, the songwriters, the creators, that is the real world, not just stock answers of 'oh you should do this because otherwise it coud make you appear unconfident.'

Also as if there is some virtue in having both sex friends who push the boundaries and exite your partner, yes we all want that don't we.
People very rarely tell the truth about their insecuries and jealousies, the majority on here who are quite happy for their other halves to go and socialise on their own with the opposite sex usually look like a box of frogs.

But that old chestnut, jealousy versus trust always pops up as the default answer without reason or discusion.

Rant over, as you were

😆 I see. Thanks.

See it would be tempting to say you’re controlling etc but you’re allowed to feel uncomfortable esp in a marriage where you’ve made a commitment. When a woman posts something like this I always say, do the exact same thing and see how he feels. So get yourself a woman friend who you text regularly (it doesn’t have to be someone real just make it seem you’ve hit it off with a female at work or whatever) and see if she likes it and take it from there. Sometimes it can make the other person realise it’s not nice when you’re on the receiving end and sometimes they do t care which is when you have to think if this is the right person for you as there are plenty of people who wouldn’t do this, I don’t mean not have male friends at all, but seeing them alone etc

For those of you encouraging the OPs jealousy where do you think it will end?

So the wife cuts off her friendship, but what about lunch breaks? Well she will have to spend the whole of that on the phone with the OP. And what about before and after work hours? Well the OP will have to take her to work and collect her.

If he goes down this road he will never be happy with her working there so she will have to find a new job working with just women else it will all start again. The OP will go mad with jealousy and the wife will be a prisoner.

I agree somewhat that it's an unfair situation but there it is. And the wife was meant to be visiting the house this weekend just gone and the OP hasn't been back. 🤔

Cuckold 101.

chatting at lunch with the hot singleton is a bit different to going to his/her house in the evening, completely different.

The females on here claiming he's being controlling either enjoy watching a guy worrying about the single guys attention or if he doesn't say anything he obviously doesn't care and deserves to be cheated on anyway.

The OP cant win, posting on here for this scenario was never gonna get the fair comments he hoped to get.

100% be a different kettle of replies if it was a husband visiting a single female though, would be full of LTB and he is cheating type comments.

How is it going?@Tom961

I notice my dilemma has started a broad discussion with many different views and opinions. Thanks for your replies and contributions everyone (also the ones that have called me a controlling misogynist and think that my wife should leave me immediately). There were a lot of posts to be read and it has certainly helped me.

I decided to not say a word about the matter to my wife just yet. Some months ago I did adress me not being comfortable with their friendship and she didn't appreciate this for she feels she's doing nothing wrong. I understand that. To prevent any further escalations and tensions I'll try to keep my mind calm and see where this goes. See if there's any changes in terms of behavior. If the two alone want to meet again, I will propose tagging along. And should she come up with a meeting with the two of them, then I would appreciate her telling me first.

Oh, as for the use of language. English is not my mother tongue, so vocabulary tends to be limited. Please don't pick on this or be judgemental.

Oh PS. Yes I do still have the opinion that male-female friendships could be quite challenging and risky (especially if the two could be potential partners in terms of age, looks, shared interests and so forth). But I believe honesty is the key, should she get feelings (sexually or emotionally) she should tell me.

@Tom961

I support you with all this.

I hope you are wrong just seeing where things go. She is just friends with him.

I still don't think she realizes what she got herself into. It may work out in your favour if he makes a move on her and she ends the friendship. She realizes what a fool she been.

Tom, it's good to hear from you again and I'm glad you pointed out that English is not your first language. I didn't realise that, because your English is very good; better than the English of many of the posters here to be honest. I've been absolutely staggered by the level of stupidity in the interpretation of "let her go" by a large number of posters who seem determined to interpret that expression as 'controlling'. I'm pretty sure the same posters study every post on this forum written by a man, scouring it for some level of sexism so that they can stand up on their soap boxes declaring their dedication to feminism. Stormtroopers. 'Strong women.' As a woman, I'm embarrassed. There's nothing 'strong' about being an idiot and seeing imaginary sexism where there is none. It was the same when you referred to your wife as 'pretty'. Another 'crime' when you could have picked other adjectives. Some people are so busy looking for imagined slights against our gender that they don't even bother to read your post properly or look for the general tone and gist. You never came across to me as controlling. Not once.

For the numpties who deliberately don't understand what 'let her go' means, it's the same as 'let it go'. It's when you let go of something or someone. Like in an argument when you tell someone to "just let it go". It's nothing about controlling someone or something. If you still don't get it, read the lyrics to Passenger's song 'Let Her Go' and stop looking for sexism in every corner of this world as you do nothing for equality; on the contrary: you just switch people off. I do hope you're not now going to bombard 'Passenger' with complaints about how sexist his song is.

"Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow, and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day, you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast
Well, you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh, oh, mm, oh
And you let her go
Oh, oh, uh, uh
Well, you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go"