My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

@PastMidnight haha each to their own. I know which world I'd prefer to live in.

I mean there is also a STRONG dose of misandry at play on this thread too.

@gogogadgetgo

Not being rude but do you live in the real world.

Have you ever been in a marriage where both individuals are incredibly attractive. Quite appart from people believing those couples have an easy ride in life, they often do not.

Both sexes can be extremely predatory, there are many who are not innocent, op I would trust your gut on this one.

Haha. Yes. Well more reality than being in a parallel version of The Graduate as some other posters

So what do you think the op should do?

You’re not comparing apple with apple.

The OP’s wife’s ‘friend’ is not a long-standing fixture in her life such as a former work colleague or married friend with a spouse in tow. It’s a new, single friend. Not someone who predates him by some years then.

Referring to other posters’ interactions with the opposite sex as “weirdly shallow” when you haven’t even read the original post properly is weirdly shallow.

That's great, I'm sure the op has a mixture of male and female friends and peope in his life, most people do.

So what happens when you find out your husband has been spending time with a new female friend that you know for certain he fancies and he's wanting to spend time with her away from you.
Just say that kind of thing doesn't exist and merrily ignor it, or God forbid you get jealous like other normal human beings.

Jealously is such a dirty word on here but it exists as an emotion for a reason, not always the best reason but to ignor it would be foolhardy.

If you have never experienced it you are fortunate, lucky or deluded.

Taking an argument to its logical extreme to make a point is a normal and accepted debating technique. Do please Google it if you don’t understand debating.

So what do you think the op should do

Well I personally think she should have had more sense than to invite this hot guy round for borard games, trio sports activities, whatsapp chatting in the evening when she sees him at work through the day, making solo visits to look in awe of his new home and generally not giving a crap what her husband of 2 months thinks.

She's already hurt him, she either doesn't care or she's extremely naive.
I would get rid cause she's clearly not on his page on picking up on his feelings or emotions or if she is and she doesn't care then she sounds quite cruel.

Triangulating two men against one another is a bit too ego driven for a lasting marriage.

So your line is going on holiday and sleeping overnight, neither of which you say they have done, but not too keen on her being at his place alone. But then you say you know that either she wouldn't cheat, or if she did, she'd tell you. Fine then, she hasn't told you, so no cheating.

• that's pretty naive, most would not spill straight away unless backed into a corner.

If I was in her situation, however, and it was platonic, but I had a partner who was worried, I'd care that I was causing worry and do my best to dispell it by inviting you along to see his place. It sounds like you've Methil, so she has introduce you, that is s good sight. Bad signs would be a change in behaviour, but if she is the same as ever with you, it's probably OK. You'll know in time if she's behaving differently, so bide your time.

' met him, not methil'

First, it's not clear at all that the OP has female friends - quite the opposite, given he says 'I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships'. I was disagreeing with him that there will be expectations sooner or later.

If I knew 'for certain' my husband was attracted to another woman and wanted to spend loads of solo time with her? I'd raise it. But I wouldn't set 'boundaries' or forbid him from seeing her, or whatever. If he fancied someone else and wanted to pursue that, I'd see it as a sign our relationship was in trouble regardless, and we'd need to either tackle that together or think about the other options.

I've got too much self-respect to jealously 'stake my claim' or guard my man or whatever.

I've got too much self-respect to jealously 'stake my claim' or guard my man or whatever

The amount of women I've heard utter those words till it happens to them.

👏 👏

You're making a lot of assumptions there - in this case, unfounded.

That's how I know.

Why do you assume the women who aren't jealous 'my husband must not have close female friends' types don't have experience of men who cheat?

I know I'd rather be single than in a relationship where my husband or partner is pursuing other women or where I can't trust him not to do that. Because I've ended relationships over it in the past.

All about self-respect. I know my worth.

You're allowed to feel uncomfortable, but you're absolutely not allowed to start setting boundaries for your wife. It sounds like a friendship, and presumably you wouldn't have an issue with a female-female friendship, so you need to work on your own ability to accept this friendship as such.

This

This. There are so many posters on here saying 'this is how it starts'. What would you do, lock up your partners? If they're already thinking of having an affair then your relationship is already dead whether you lock them up or not. Again, as is usual on MN the answer is 'communication'. Talk to your partner instead of asking randoms on the internet what to do with the wife 'on thin ice'.

@Namechanged454

I was going to say the same.

@Tom961
You really shouldn't need to set boundaries she should know the line. Why don't you suggest if he single sets him up with a female friend. Or if why doesn't she take a female friend with her.You will see her reaction and but it seems like without her realizing it their friendship developing.
He may fancy your wife and she doesn't realize it and being genuinely naive thinking on her part nothing between them. I am not saying men and women can't be friends but your right will next him coming on your time alone which could be movie nights , dinner dates etc.
Why action don't you take her out or even book a trip away.
Try to figure out maybe what maybe he giving her you may not. Like maybe a better listener or someone drawn her in.
From what your saying it does seem like your a third wheel watching something maybe happening between them.
Please speak to her and maybe you find a woman for him and set him up on date. You will know if something going on if she gets jealous. Don't let someone steal your wife under your nose. It's all the attention she giving if it's interfering say with you and her plans.
Good luck Tom

@Tom961
Your newly married shouldn't you both still be in the honeymoon period.
She should totally just want her spare time with you not saying all the time.

This should be exciting moment but you already feel like third wheel.

Jealously is such a dirty word on here but it exists as an emotion for a reason, not always the best reason but to ignor it would be foolhardy.

So true.
Partner flirting with someone else? Don't you trust them? It doesn't mean they're having sex, I sleep in bed with all my male friends and go on holiday alone with them!

*You're making a lot of assumptions there - in this case, unfounded.

That's how I know.

Why do you assume the women who aren't jealous 'my husband must not have
close female friends' types don't have experience of men who cheat?

I know I'd rather be single than in a
relationship where my husband or partner is pursuing other women or
where I can't trust him not to do that. Because I've ended relationships
over it in the past.

All about self-respect. I know my worth*

Defensive, heckles are up and I don't blame you, even talking about a senario whereby you are being taken advantage of in your primary relationship can send people into an anxiety tailspin.

Well this unfortunate situation is playing out with op, I don't believe for one minute he's controlling, she works, she is allowed male friends to be brought home to play games of an evening, they do sports together, they text on the phone at night, she is open with her communication about this man.
I don't believe she fears him in any way, not that she should but many women would not behave this way, not unless they are a long standing friend, a mutual friend or a gay friend.

I'm not saying it could happen to you, it's just when it does you know the difference when a threat occurs, we all live with both sexes arround us, and I think it's patronising to tell someone they shoud disregard a threat because well ,it's not cool and they mustbe acting like that with everyone and they are controlling.

Many on here would rather gaslight the op stating it must be in his imagination.

Ah I see the problem, it's your personality.

Defensive, heckles are up and I don't blame you, even talking about a senario whereby you are being taken advantage of in your primary relationship can send people into an anxiety tailspin.

Not even a little bit defensive. I wonder why you think so? Does a person speaking of their own self-worth and confidence equate to an 'anxiety tailspin' to you? If so, I can understand why this might be a difficult subject for you.

I pointed out that there was a flaw in the logical basis of your statement. You responded by saying my 'heckles' (it's hackles) were up and attacking me personally rather than accepting that your previous assumptions were totally incorrect. Why is that?

I’m with OP
this feels shadey

maybe she doesn’t fancy him (yet )
bit I’ll bet he fancies her

but you are somewhat stuck here

what boundaries would you like and see as reasonable ?

as these boundaries literally onlY apply as he is male
as you couldn’t say ‘don’t stay over with a female friend ‘

I don’t have useful advice
but I’d be concerned too