My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

"The OP hasn't said this is a new work colleague so presumably she's known him for 2 years?"

The title of the thread is "My wife has a new male friend and I'm concerned"

The females on here are funny
Half accuse the guy of being controlling, there's nothing controlling about worrying this single handsome guy has shady motives and is inviting a married woman back to his house regardless , its just shady.

If my wife started telling me some lad from works invited her round to his to show her his house, It wouldn't sit well with me, show her photos, theres no requirement to physically invite a married woman around unless you have an agenda.

I can imagine my wife's reaction if i told her the hot single female at work wants me round to check out her new pad and hang out, course it doesn't sit well, that's the kinda thing you do when your single, not married.

Before the smart replies fire back, we both trust each other but that's not acceptable for either of us to start doing. Together 18 years and its very obvious its only gonna lead to problems, even if nothing happens,

I think your right to have reservations about her going, why is the invite not extended to you both, why only the missus.. what next, a netflix n chill and sleepover, where does it end,

I know...

If all the females on this thread had their husband's turn round and say, "I'll be late for dinner tommorow, the office hottie has invited me round to look at her new pad, lovely girl, beautiful, but lonely, you don't mind love, do you?"

I can imagine the responses.
Very cool, easy going ladies on paper, never quite works that way in real life.

Gosh, it's like we're two different species! The people who forge a relationship based on trust and respect between two individuals each with their own lives. And the people who acquire a sexual possession which they lock in a cage for the rest of the relationship.

It's a sort of variation on "would you like to come round and see my ... errrr...etchings. 😂😂

its not clear from your post - is your wife planning to stay the night at this guy’s house? Or is that something you are worried about?

if she is planning to sleep over - then 100% I and most people would have a problem with it - if it’s just a visit it is a bit more nuanced.

To me it’s not a matter of men and women being friends- more about establishing boundaries with people where there is a potential romantic entanglement (handsome or not)

You say you have already had a conversation about this guy. I think all you can do is reiterate that you are uncomfortable with the situation - but t don’t go on about it.

at the end of the day - she is an adult and you are not her jailer- all you can do is share your feelings on the matter and either she takes those feelings on - or ignores them - which tells you something

Not at all.

I have no trust issues at all with my other half but why would he want to spend an evening on his own with some woman from work when we could be doing something else, and why wouldn't said woman from work want to find a bloke of her own who can invest more time and quality time at that in her? My partner would have no desire to go and check out some woman from work's new pad. What's so interesting about it? He can see it on Zoopla or Rightmove. No need to actually go there FFS.

Haha fuck me. Normally I like to take a present for a friends new pad. Considered a nice gesture and all. It's what friends do.

Not massively difficult to understand is it really

Basically this guy is threatened because he's better looking. If only his wife could stick to have ugly friends we wouldn't have this problem.

I guess when women post here that they think their partner is cheating, it's because the other woman is prettier. If only their husbands could stick to shagging ugly other women there wouldn't be a problem.

Thanks for solving that for us.

@PastMidnight haha you're welcome!

The op has explicitly said he doesn't think his wife is cheating. He doesn't think she'd cheat at all.

He has also said he doesn't like this guy because he's smart and good looking.

I'm just reading what he's written. No need to extrapolate anything!

Id bet yould be the first on here to post a AIBU if your other half was getting invites round to his new hotter female friends house whilst you sat at home wondering why the invite only extended to one and what part of the house she was interested in showing him.

Its not right regardless of if its a man going to a womans or vice versa, in a relationship it shows a lack of respect accepting such an invitation.

its clearly dangerous territory, not a prayer id be ok with nights out with just a male friend, solo invites to their homes and stay overs and mini holidays together would be a deal breaker. You wanna do that, do it with your partner, not a random singleton.

@hotandspicy what mini breaks and stay overs? That was the op saying what if. The reality is they've never been suggested.

He's invited her to see his new place.

I've been with a partner and been to see a (shock horror) male friend. And had partners who have been to see their female friends.

Nothing appears out of the ordinary here. She has introduced him to the op. They have all hung out together. Can she never see her friend without her partner?

He's not a random singleton. He's her friend and work colleague.

The 'what they've done so far' details are unimportant.

It's just not appropriate for a work colleague to take this level of interest. It's not an existing mutual friend, it's a new friend from her work.

You seeing a male friend with a partner is not the same thing. I wouldn't have a problem with that either.

The OP pretty much opened his discussion by saying he didn’t believe that men and women could be friends and that it would always end up sexual on one side or the other (or both). So that is his perspective.

His wife has done NONE of the things he has mused about, including, as far as he has reported, a single private meeting. She has now said she’d like to see his house, and instead of maybe saying, That sounds fun, I’ll come too, instead he has gone off into a fantasy about them watching movies together, spending the night, going on holiday.

None of this has happened or even been proposed.

And as for my calling out the language of a husband “letting” his wife do something, or “allowing” or “setting boundaries” - this is an Internet forum amongst strangers. All we have are his words. Of course we will note them, consider them, analyse them and draw conclusions. His words are controlling words, the master to the child words.

The misogyny on this thread is beginning to be quite troubling.

If you want to see misogyny, you will.

What I find troubling is the number of posters who see misogyny everywhere they look.

@PastMidnight haha no what's happened isn't important. Let's focus on what hasn't shall we.

I meant I've been seeing someone and yet still managed to visit a male friend on my own without there being a problem.

Why can't there be that level of friendship? He's been round to the ops house a few times. He's met her partner. They sound like good friends already. Is that an issue? Is there a time limit for when it's acceptable? Or simply never because he's a man? (A good looking one at that)

It's clear you have an issue with that though.

I'm the first to tell a poster when it looks dodgy. They have reason to be cautious. But there's fuck all to see here.

She has now said she’d like to see his house, and instead of maybe
saying, That sounds fun, I’ll come too, instead he has gone off into a
fantasy about them watching movies together, spending the night, going
on holiday

Yeah that sounds great fun watching this hot guy peacocking in front of his wife.
And the board games at home, is it just the three of them? Sounds wonderful, he may trust his wife but I don't think the op trusts this attractive young man one bit.

He's afraid this male is making moves on his wife and she's showing no signs of closing it down.

Have you seen ‘The Graduate’, starring Dustin Hoffman?

He shags his girlfriend’s mother, whom he had befriended.

That is also inappropriate. Best thing is to act before there’s “something to see here”.

Why can't there be that level of friendship? He's been round to the ops
house a few times. He's met her partner. They sound like good friends
already. Is that an issue? Is there a time limit for when it's
acceptable? Or simply never because he's a man? (A good looking one at
that)

They are not good friends, this man is his wife's work colleague and op has been couteous and accomodating to him when she brought him home. Who wants to hang around a newly married couple like a third wheel, I'm sure op has the measure of him, I'm sure he realises this man fancies his wife, that's why he hasposted.
I've known men be this predatory.

Sounds like op's frightened that he's going to have to 'stake his claim' for want of a better term. And if posters don't believe this kind of behaviour still exists, well it does, all the time.

@PastMidnight fuck me. I've heard it all!

We're allowed to quote films and say - that could happen here!

Haha I can't even begin with this madness.

@PiecesofFive right last one then I'm off to bed

Yes there are some shits out there. They do exist.

But the op has seen nothing to show that this guy is up to no good. They've all hung out together. He's not mentioned any flirting. He's read their messages (with or without her consent) and no concern there

It's up you if you want to live your life assuming the worst but it's generally not healthy.

He's also said he trusts his wife.

He can raise his concerns. But he can't impose rules on who she can or can't see without being a controlling prick. Especially when she (and he) has done fuck all wrong.

@PiecesofFive oh and 'stake his claim'? We're talking about a human being right?

I find some people's interactions with the opposite sex weirdly shallow, they're either fuckable or irrelevant. My husband has close friends who are women; they predate me by some years and I wouldn't dream of imposing myself on all their social interactions. Similarly I have a number of close male friendships in which there is absolutely zero sexual or romantic element; we are former colleagues who are close. I've been at their weddings, hung out with their wives as well as them (and vice versa), but also had dinner/drinks/gone to events with them without our respective spouses, have regular whatsapp chats, sat at the side of their hospital bed after cancer surgery, brought care packages when their kids were seriously ill. Friend stuff that I'd also do with my female friends without close supervision from my husband. Ultimately we trust each other, we know what the dealbreakers in our relationship are.

Ultimately, OP, this is a question of whether you trust your wife or not. It's not your job to 'protect her' from men because you think you've got a better handle on this guy's motives than she does. She's an adult, she makes these calls for herself. Your role here is whether you trust the decisions she's making. If you don't, there's no relationship.

Yes, it’s the logical absurd extreme of “nothing to see here” in your post.