My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned

[Tom961]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. At work they spend time together and recently they also meet outside of work. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. In addition they exchange messages on WhatsApp or instagram (or like each other’s stories. The conversations are not at all intimate I must admit. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. She’s a free individual. We talked about their “friendship” and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. So did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a single guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive? Not all men are looking for love or sex when inviting a pretty woman over, but I know how guys think and I believe the majority of men always hope for more than just a cup of tea.

What is your view on this? Should I just let her and trust her? Or should I make clear that I think she’s currently on thin ice and putting herself in a dangerous position? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ? Because what’s next; him sitting on my sofa on a Friday night watching a film with my wife?

Thank you so much!

She should dump you immediately as you think you need to ‘protect’ her, hopefully she’ll be better off with him!

I’m happily married and have two close single male friends who are attractive and genuinely wonderful people. In the many, many years we’ve known one another, called and messaged, gone out for dinner/on holiday together etc etc, no one has manifested the remotest sexual intent. Likewise, DH has close female friends he’s not sleeping with. I don’t see how we can be that unusual.

100% agree with this!
I wouldn’t do this and neither would my husband and if I or he did, the other would rightly not be happy about it!
You need to speak with your wife and tell her how uncomfortable the whole situation is making you feel. Where you go from there probably depends on her reaction

Completely agree

Well Tbf, if it was a woman I would say the same than I will tell the OP.

Friendship between a man and a woman is friendship. If your male-female friendship have all become sexual, that’s on you.
If, when you are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, you are worried about a ‘ competitor’, your relationship is weak.
If you think an affair is about a competitor, you are very old fashion in the way you look at relationships.

i would have said the same if the OP was a woman. She isn’t hidding anything at all. She has conversations that are normal and not flirty with someone else. There is absolutely nothing that screams affair there.
There is plenty in the OP screaming jealousy and control though.

Broadly, I agree that this level of intimate friendship between a man and a woman that starts when one or both are already in relationships isn't ideal or normal. Old pre-relationship friendships are different. So are work friendships as a rule - the kind that are based mostly during work hours and don't tend to bleed over into real life in any meaningful way.

But there is something odd in the way you write which does make me nervous. You say she's free to do what she likes but you also talk about "allowing" her to do things and "putting boundaries in place". Also, your suggestion that this puts her in a dangerous situation is frankly offensive. She works with the man, knows the man etc. Yes, there is of course a small chance that he turns out to be a danger, but suggesting she can't hang out with men because it's dangerous is ridiculous.

while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him.

If you use words such as 'anger' and 'allowing' in relation to your wife (who has worked at the same place for 2 years and is only now an issue since marrying) then you will get negative responses. Add that you can't describe your wife appropriately. Had you come from a different angle you would have received more sympathy so no point getting shitty and telling posters to read your post again. We read it right the first time @Tom961

of course there is such a thing as a close platonic friendship. There’s even such a thing as platonic love. I certainly wouldn’t put up with a partner casting aspersions on my friendships and I wouldn’t try and police theirs either. You either trust each other or you don’t. Putting boundaries in place that are wholly based in sexism isn’t going to deter someone who’s minded to cheat.

Completely agree with this.

OP, you only just married; presumably you each made vows of love, respect, fidelity? Those vows are your boundary; either trust your wife to honour them, or end the relationship.

It is your responsiblity to work on your own insecurities, jealousy and paranoia; without negatively impacting your wife.

That’s not her beauty that will attract her male friend though. Just like I hope it’s not just her beauty that attracted you to her….
And it’s not his attractiveness that will be key to her having an affair. Because that’s not what affairs are about.

Affairs are about lack of respect of your partner and often some ego stroking.
Do you really think that your wife either doesn’t respect you at all OR needs the thrill/ego massage from an affair??
Or is it your jealousy and/or your own lack of self esteem talking there?

As @Charlotte123456789 pointed out, boundaries are always good to set. But i hope you have also noticed that her proposal for boundaries does NOT include no male-female friendship. And this is right Imo. Contrary to many people on MN, I tend to consider that adults are able to control their sexual urges and behave in a respectful manner. And if they don’t, they don’t have a place in my life as my partner.

Who is going on holidaybwith a single man?
Who is staying over at his home?
Who is going on movie nights together?

Has your 'pretty and nice' wife done any if that or told you she intends to do any if that?

And if being alone in a private place with a man is dangerous, does that mean all men are rapists just waiting for their chance?

Is there anything else beyond 'pretty and nice' you can say about this woman who is your life partner? Pretty and nice is something a five year old would say about a little girl he sits beside in school. It's also you expressing what you think other men are seeing in your wife. Or is it the case that this is as far as your observations of her go?

You don't see your wife as an individual and you don't trust her, is what I'm seeing here. You think of her as some toy anyone could pick up and play with.

Agree with @MineIsBetterThanYours.

Deal with your own feelings. Talk to a therapist if necessary. You proposed to this woman and she said yes, yet you can't accept that her feelings for you are solid, based in your own lack of self esteem. That's not her problem to fix.

And when you say boundaries, do you mean rules?

Because they are absolutely not the same thing.

I suspect it's rules that you want to set, when it's actually boundaries that you need, within yourself. Boundaries involve self awareness, self respect, and respect for others.

Boundaries are about the deep recognition that there is a clear point where you end and other people begin.

Boundaries are about looking within yourself for the answer to problems, not externalising problems and making other people change to accommodate your issues.

I agree with you. Disrespectful at its finest

You're not wrong to feel this way OP and if you were a woman writing about her husband's new female friend you would be encouraged to snoop,air your concerns and "nip it in the bud".

In reality, if she's going to cheat she's going to cheat. You're right that nothing you can do will discourage it. Just keep your eyes open and let it play out.

@Tom961

the issue is not her having a male
friend, the main point is what one should be OK with and what not; holidays together, movie nights one on one? Sleeping over? I believe that spending time alone at a single man’s place just touches the boundary of what is OK. Maybe I didn’t express my point clearly, or maybe some of you just went for the attack after just skimming my post. I hope it’s clearer now anyway.

All a discussion you should be having with your wife, rather than discussing how to set rules for her with strangers on the internet.

Its far more likely to be a useful discussion.

Totally agree. I would be worried. I’m not possessive but if my husband was visiting a women and spending time alone at their house I couldn’t and wouldn’t accept it

Get a grip

OP, I have stayed away with platonic male friends. Does my husband mind? No, because he trusts me, knows there's nothing going on and he's not jealous and controlling.

Me too. I've ever stayed over at an ex-boyfriend's house (old friend) with no other friends present. Shock horror.

My husband trusts me and there's no reason for him not to. I probably have as many male friends as female (mostly old friends I've known since Uni). My husband has female friends and I have no issue with him socialising with them one on one either.

Both of us would find it controlling to dictate that we're not allowed to spend time with friends of the opposite sex. It's nice having a wide circle of friends.

I've never had a male friend that didn't end up trying it on so I'm a firm believer that most of the time in male/female friendships, one fancies the other. I'd also bet however, one is oblivious and sees it as a friendship only. I guess your wife is the oblivious one here and he fancies her. I wouldn't worry though, as she no doubt sees him as a friend and he'll slip up some day, she'll realise he does actually fancy her and she'll bin him 👍🏻

Most people aren't onboard with staying at exes overnight alone. You're clearly very trusting, if that's what it is.

Yes to opposite sex friends- but things like this are why some people hate the idea...

How long has she known this friend, is he new to the company ?

I do think most posters would not be too happy if faced with the same situation, the laws of attraction tend to be at play and a threat can be a threat.

I understand you are trying to place trust in your wife but it's making you feel uncomfortable, would she be upset if you were doing the same.
Posters talk of platonic friendships between male and females, this normally works if there are differences, lack of attraction, or inbalance of attraction, differences in age etc.

If the problem is she doesn't care how you feel, then you have a problem, no you cannot police her and you cannot control her but if she is ignorant or placing her own boundries of what she does without due care or respect for you then you either put up or get out and find someone who has the same values as you.

100% agree with the above!

Seems like double standards…. If it was the husband doing this, most people would have been advising the wife to leave him

Ladybyrd, I couldn't agree more with this and your previous post. The hypocrisy from some posters here is absolutely staggering.

To the OP: FWIW, you don't sound controlling to me at all. You sound like a normal guy who loves his wife. And I agree that testosterone- fueled men may well have things on their minds with a pretty woman, which is annoying in itself even if she's not interested in that. I think most of the women who post here would be absolutely furious about a pretty woman overtly flirting with their partner and they would be claiming to know what her real motives are. Although of course whether it's flirting or innocently platonic is open to interpretation.

I found that on the whole throughout life, my male friends dropped by the wayside as they got on with their married lives, kids etc. Not that we aren't still friends, but we don't see each other alone any more and TBH, even though I'm also friends with their wives, it would now feel inappropriate to see the guys alone.

As far as dealbreakers go, for me it's whether I'm free to go along with my partner, who has many female friends. Sometimes I don't go, for whatever reason, but I know that I'm always welcome and we're not talking dates here like a night at the theatre. We're not joined at the hip but I'd be well pissed off if I was told I wasn't welcome to join them. As for your wife going to see his new house alone, sod that! He needs to find himself a partner of his own.

I wonder what the response would be here on MN if a woman said her very attractive husband has developed a close new friendship with an attractive woman at work. They talk all the time and see each other outside of work. Doesn't seem sexual and he says it's not but I'm feeling uncomfortable about the friendship.

"I also found to weird that you describe your wife as pretty and nice. It's very impersonal"

I guess the point is that it makes her more attractive to a potential rival. Looks count in the dating stakes, of course they do. That's why people have photos on dating sites.