Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

[Alltheleavesaregreen1]

If my husband in 15-20 years comes to me and says he doesn't like my aged face, what can I realistically do about it ? Nothing
So what would be the reason for telling me???

You could have surgery, injections, dental treatment, dye your hair though. There’s a whole industry dedicated to help people stay young. What if he really doesn’t like grey hair - you don’t HAVE to have it, right? He’s just being honest that he prefers a more youthful look.

The idea that overweight people could easily lose weight if they were just more disciplined is fairly ridiculous too. If it were easy, there would be very few fat people.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Well, you might want to think about the health implications of being overweight.
Does that not worry you? Risk of heart disease, high BP, diabetes and cancer? As well as arthritis with all the extra weight on your hips and knees.

Weight isn't so much about appearing sexy as being unhealthy.

BUT people are attracted to others by how they LOOK as well as their personalities. No one can deny that. And without knowing your weight and height, size 18 sounds large.

If you have changed a lot since you first met, then I think your H has a point.

It can come over the other way like you saying 'I'd rather be this size and do nothing about it, even though my H doesn' t like it.'

It could be compared with someone who was a non-smoker taking up smoking and expecting their partner just to go along with it and still find them attractive even though they will stink of smoke and be shortening their lives.

[coconuthead]

I know right, utterly depressing and pathetic.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

It’s not selfish not to lose weight, but if your husband is telling you that he no longer finds you attractive after you’ve allowed your appearance to change so much, why wouldn’t you care about that and want to do something about it?

Being overweight is unhealthy and can have an impact on the things you do, so it’s understandable that many people find it so unattractive.

[Sarah3587]

At least he’s being honest with you. Maybe he is just fed up of both you being overweight and inevitably unhealthy. What is the reason why you don’t want to lose weight? Do you plan on gaining more weight over the years or have you reached your personal limit that you’re comfortable with?
I have a personal limit of size 12. If my clothes get tighter then usually my fitness and general health gets effected too.
how much does your marriage mean to you?

[GreyCarpet]

@CaptSkippy

Your husband is shallow and a hypocrite. He only want to lose weight to make you lose weight. You don't have a problem with his weight, he only does with yours. He thinks that by saying 'we' it makes his BS more acceptable.

On top of that he is not pulling his weight as a parent. What a pratt.

Except that when women lost on here about husband's who have gain weight, this is exactly the approach they are advised to take...

[RhiRhi1996]

@Alltheleavesaregreen1 you could but most people cannot afford the sheer amount of work done to stay looking young. Losing weight is free. In fact it may potentially save money if you're eating less.

Also nobody is saying you HAVE to change to appease your partner. Op, or anyone does not have to change for her partner. But if your partner has expressed loss of attraction, its up to you whether you care about the relationship enough to change it or happy with the way you are and don't want to change.

Neither is wrong, but what do you expect him to do? Ignore the loss of attraction?

I never said losing weight is easy, it takes discipline and self control. Most people don't have that. You can all make excuses how hard it is for you to lose weight but if you really followed a calorie controlled plan , you would lose weight.

Now, I am a size 12 and would liked to be slimmer. I'm not making excuses that it us too hard for me to lose weight, I know that I am not dedicated enough to do it. But I am not gonna sit here and say I can't lost weight when I've not consistently had a calorie deficit for any prolonged amount of time. Its okay to say its hard and you don't wanna do it. But don't say it isn't within your means/possible.

[AshTrees]

Gosh OP you have had some very misogynistic responses on here. I'd hope that after several years of marriage and a DC that your husband valued you as a person, not just an accessory. I'm sure he doesn't look like he did several years ago either. That is normal. A marriage is made up of a million things and what dress size you wear should not one be of them.

[thenewduchessoflapland]

@kateandme

Then the man needs to go and work on his own fat phobia.
You don't need to change for anyone and attraction should NOT be based on your size. You are still the same beautiful woman.
Mn hates that.and loves to say how u can't blame him if he doesn't like you are a larger woman,funny how this never has a thread on a woman being smaller and now unnatractive eh...
We live in a society where fat is bad.
It's a shit show.
You do NOT need to lose if you don't want to and he is a shallow prick for saying so.
I wouldn't want to have sex with someone with these views on woman,their bodies,me.

Couldn't agree more with this.

[Alltheleavesaregreen1]

@Alltheleavesaregreen1 you could but most people cannot afford the sheer amount of work done to stay looking young. Losing weight is free. In fact it may potentially save money if you're eating less.

A box of Clairol is under a tenner… What if he said he’d pay for the Botox? Look, the point is, when you tell your partner they should change how they look because you don’t find them attractive, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s something that some people think is easy or affordable to change. It’s the same dickish principle. If losing weight was so super easy, why are there people resorting to having their stomachs stapled at a huge financial cost? Anyone who actually knows anything about weight loss and how it works knows that it’s as far from easy as you can get.

[Alltheleavesaregreen1]

I never said losing weight is easy, it takes discipline and self control. Most people don't have that.

yeah and nor can they magically acquire it. Some people are lucky enough not to have a weight problem and some have bodies that fight them all the way with extreme hunger cravings that they cant withstand. Your own experiences are not the same as others. If you find it easy, cool. Others might not.

[Tipsyturvychocolatemonster]

I don’t really understand the comment about other men fancying you. What difference does it make that some men like overweight/obese women? Is it you’d shag anyone? If not. Then it’s irrelevant.

you are right you should only lose weight if you personally wish to. But you’d be wrong to not listen to what he’s telling you

[SallyWD]

Why not try and lose weight though? He wants to lose weight too which makes it easier for you. What's the harm in both making healthier choices together? I'm not one for hardcore dieting (I think it's a temporary fix and usually not sustainable) but slowly making changes together will help you both feel better. You could start walking more, making set a 10k step target, looking at new delicious and healthy recipes, stop buying unhealthy snacks etc. I personally swear by 16/8 (intermittent fasting). I don't diet, count calories or eat low fat food. I just eat eat tasty, nutritious meals in an 8 hour window and very easily maintain or lose weight. It's not about looking a certain way but being healthy. Good health is important.

[WouldBeGood]

I have mixed feelings on this. Being overweight does have health implications and can also prevent one doing things. It’s because if this I’ve recently been making the effort to lose weight. I think it’s frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to walk/ride a bike/go to the beach, just as examples, because of their size or self consciousness.

i think if he’s suggested you both get healthier then that’s no bad thing.

[Sammysquiz]

If you want to lose weight only do it for you

And for your child. Decrease your chance of having illnesses linked to being overweight, and increase your chances of being around longer.

[Bednobsbroomsticks]

If my husband put on 10 stone I would still love him, would I find him attractive?Emotionally yes physically maybe not . Would I suggest losing weight and being healthy together? Yes. Also I wouldn't want him to continue gaining weight year on year, getting sick or not able to do things etc.
I don't think oh is being unreasonable but nor is OP. It's a choice .

[Topgub]

Jeeze the comments on this thread are grim.

Fat phobic mysoginy at its finest.

Imagine having your whole self esteem so tied up in how other people see you.

A relationship is about accepting the other person for who they are. If you dont love them as they are then its obviously not the right relationship

[Adamantspants]

The usual “this is man is so shallow” comments etc on these type of posts, usually from overweight women or men who don’t or won’t lose weight for their own good or health. Partners should just suck it up when their other halves double in size and do nothing about it. Of COURSE you should love your husband or wife no matter how big they are, that is loving the person they are inside but you cannot and I mean CANNOT make yourself fancy them. If a man cannot get it up because he doesn’t find fatness attractive, there is nothing he can do about that. Same the other way round, if a woman is not attracted to an overweight man is she supposed to lie there and have sex with him regardless???

So the bottom line is that you should have sex with someone you are not physically attracted to and be made feel like a absolutely horrible person for feeling the way you do when there is nothing you can do about it??

Ok then.

[dottieautie]

I see the 1950s housewives are out in force in this thread

gor to do whatever you can to be attractive for your hardworking man.

fuck that. OP if he’s so sjallow
to only value you on your aesthetic appearance then he has bigger problems with your relationship than just this. We all change as we age and you cannot keep
’fixing’ yourself to meet his standards
of beauty, where does it end?

You don’t owe anyone pretty, slim, young, a smile. You only owe it to yourself
to be happy with how you are.

The fat phobia and misogyny on this thread saddens me.

[Topgub]

No one should be having any sex they dont want to have

If you no longer find your partner attractive and dont think that will change then end the relationship.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Losing weight is free. In fact it may potentially save money if you're eating less.

This is patently untrue. The times it's been much easier for me to lose weight is when I've been earning more, and can spend more on good food - lovely veg, meat, eggs, fruit. The times when its been more difficult is when all I can afford for myself is cheap carbs, made tastier with fat and salt.

[WouldBeGood]

It’s neither fat phobic nor misogynistic to consider the downsides of being overweight, which are the same whichever sex one is.

[Cakecakecheese]

I lost weight so my husband would have sex with me. It didn't work. Weight loss doesn't guarantee that attraction will return.

[goldfinchonthelawn]

No you are not being selfish but you might be self-sabotaging in a number of ways. Size 18 is not a healthy weight for the vast majority of women unless you are extremely tall and big boned. So losing weight would benefit you hugely, making you fitter and healthier long term. It would benefit your daughter to show her effective self care and healthy eating habits in a woman. And if you still fancy your husband, it does you no harm at all to put a bit of effort in to how you look so that he fancies you back. If he too is overweight, he's absolutely right - why not lose weight together. Create good habits for the family of eating well and exercising often. Go out on hikes, swims and bike rides as a family. As you get fitter, your libidos and energy will increase. Win win.

[RhiRhi1996]

@ArcheryAnnie hence why I said potentially. I'm aware healthier foods are not cheaper. But if you were eating a lot of food before , it may work out cheaper. Esp if you have alcohol or takeaways