Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

This is one of the more bizarre threads I’ve seen on MN. Reminds me of those online dating profiles where men say “I like to take good care of myself physically and expect my partner to do the same”. Of course, Ken.

If my partner had let himself go then i would support them as much as possible. If they continued despite lots of conversations with them and did not care of my opinions then I would consider it as selfish. Both need to make efforts, it is part of a relationship to keep healthy. I make an effort and yes I put on pounds here and there but I do find so many men do not put same effort in once they have the woman. It is such a touchy subject and most people will disagree. But a couples counsellor recently said that its selfish to not make an effort for your partner.

Nobody should be pressured in to doing something they don’t want to do or feel comfortable with- be it lose weight or have sex/stay with someone they are no longer attracted to (if that is a priority for them). Having said that I don’t think your husband is doing anything wrong here. There is no ‘good way’ to approach telling your wife who you love that you aren’t physically attracted to them anymore because they have gained a significant amount of weight. I’m sorry to say but I do understand where he is coming from. In my opinion, being a size 18 is not healthy or attractive for anyone. I don’t really see having a 4 year old as a reason for this either- in my experience, children make you lose weight, because you are constantly on the go and running around after them/juggling work/life etc. You undoubtedly would be healthier, happier and a more active wife and mother if you committed to getting back to a healthy BMI. It’s up to you if you want to do that for your marriage- or more importantly, for you. You shouldn’t feel guilted in to it but equally you must understand your husband can’t be made to feel guilty if you don’t and he no longer feels the same about you as he once did. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I would feel the same in his shoes. I would love you, I wouldn’t leave, I wouldn’t cheat, but I wouldn’t want to be physically intimate either.

It's not selfish. But I guess you need to ask yourself if you want a sexually active relationship? And if not, and he does. Where does that leave the 2 of you?

Zombi thread!
@Katinka13 what made you find this thread?

This thread just popped up near the top of the list and the first thing I did after seeing how many responses was to go to ‘see all’ of the OPs replies. There are none apart from the original question.The reason it’s in the press is because the question was very probably asked by a very lazy journalist.