Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Yes you are being selfish, your weight is affecting your relationship and your health.
You should surely want to keep your marriage intact for you, your husband and your kids. Your health would also improve which would be beneficial too. There are so many health issues linked with carrying excessive weight, why would you not want to put in the effort for yourself, husband and family.

He's being honest. He doesn't find you attractive at your current weight.

Whether that's a deal-breaker for you is your choice. But for your own health, you should consider losing weight.

I'm curious: would the people who think the OP is in the wrong here also expect their husbands to leave once they hit a certain age? After all, if your husband married you when you were 25, isn't it only natural he will find you a disgusting, hideous crone when you're all of 40? If he left you to date more 25 year olds, that would just be him being 'honest,' right?

YABU. Your husband is telling you he doesn’t find you attractive. I don’t find fat men attractive so I can see his point. If my husband got fat I wouldn’t fancy him either. I would still love him but attraction is important. My husband met me when I was 20 and a size ten. Twenty years and two kids later and I’ve crept up to a 12-14 and I’m working on getting myself down to a comfortable 12 as that’s where I’m happiest. And I want my husband to fancy me and think I’m hot. I think your husband is being encouraging by trying to get you both to be healthier. Body positively is kind of annoying to me. Obesity is bad for your organs, puts you at risk of illnesses like diabetes, heart attacks, strokes and cancer and shortens your life. It’s not an ideal we should all aspire to, if it’s in our power to change. And I think most people can change.

@SarahAndQuack aging is inevitable and unavoidable. Getting fat is not. Your partner should when marrying you realise & accept that you will age like humans do. It's an expected part of life.

But weight gain is completely in your control. So a big weight difference isnt something that is expected to happen within a relationship.

I don't think you should lose weight for him, and he's not being particularly nice.

But you could choose to lose weight to avoid health problems and an early death.

And you'd probably feel even more attractive and happy with yourself.

If you choose to do this, of course don't go on a weird fad diet, but a sensible weight loss plan, and change your habits long term so you keep it off. www.nhs.uk/better-health/lose-weight/

Sexuality and love are different things. Sexual attraction is not something we control - it just happens. Or it doesn’t.
And as species - how we look matters a lot for our attractiveness.

So - of course there are men who’d like to have sex with you at size 18. There are men who prefer large women.

i am guessing he isn’t one of them, and when you met you were a different size.

So he is just being honest. And trying to do it in as nice a way as he can.

I think you know you actually do need to lose at least some weight. You sound defensive about why you can’t - but you also know it’s just an excuse. You also sound a bit down, tbh.
Please - do try to find strength to take better care of yourself, for your and your child’s sake. After all - do you really want to teach them bad eating habits that will inevitably lead to health problems for them?

Notsandwiches
He's telling you that he's not attracted to you at the size you are, and possibly this is compounded by him not feeling confident about his own body. Yes, other men might want to have sex with you looking the way you do, but he's not other men. He's your husband

This doesn't sound pleasant. But it is the truth. Doesnt matter if others think he should love you whatever size you are. It is what it is, life isnt always fair.

Lose weight if you want to. Or don't. But have an honest think about your marriage as it could very well be that, you lose weight and then he finds something else to moan about. It's good he wants to lose weight with you. But if he's serious he can take on some of the childcare can't he, so you can have time to yourself to exercise

It's not that simple, surely?

People gain weight for all sorts of reasons, some of which are easily controlled, but others of which are not. Likewise, people show visible signs of ageing in various ways, some of which are easily controlled and others of which are not. In my partner's family, my partner's aunt is 70 but looks less than 50. I'm sure she looks after herself, but she's also genetically lucky. OTOH my MIL is early 60s, and never took care of her health. She is regularly mistaken for someone in her 80s. It may be she drew a bad hand in the genetic lottery, but it is also partly to do with her choices.

The bottom line is that few things about how we look are pure choice or pure chance.

I think for 99% people weight gain is completely in their control. That's not to say its easy. It can be hard, especially if you've lived your life with unhealthy habits. But to sit and make excuses, is just that, excuses.

Aging isn't , sure you can get botox and do expensive skin care , And yes if youve smoked or abused alcohol it can accelerate aging but it is largely genetics. Of course your husband could come out and say you've aged badly and he doesn't find you attractive anymore. It isn't nice but you can't fake attraction. However there is little that can be done to fix it , unless you have a lot of money.

But I don't think it's unreasonable for partners to ask their partner to change something that is within their control. Especially if it is far from what they looked like when they got together. He hasn't said it in a nasty way.

If my husband put ALOT of weight on, I would eventually struggle to find him attractive. I'd still love him, but physical attraction IS important to a relationship. You have to find your partner attractive for a healthy happy relationship. Otherwise the sexual aspect of your relationship dies and you just become best friends or even roomates.

You say that you don't find it easy to find time to look after yourself with a four year old. I think that would be even more reason to find the time to take care of yourself. I would think that you would want to lose weight for the sake of your daughter - so you're around to parent her and be a role model for healthy eating. Staying married to her father would also be a plus. I think you'd find it a lot easier to parent her if you weren't lugging all that excess weight around - it must be exhausting. Do you take her swimming and get in the pool with her? Can you run around the park with her? The body positivity movement is all very well but no amount of positivity can overcome the damage to joints and the risks of cardiac problems and diabetes of excess weight.

I am not sure it is a lack of time thing - exercise may help to burn off calories but most weight loss comes from eating a lower calorie diet. You can't outrun or exercise off a bad diet. Perhaps though you and your husband could start taking a walk in the evenings for 30-45 minutes. Could your daughter come with you on a trike or something? Can you start cutting one thing back - like less butter or margarine on bread, drinking more water rather than juice, cooking just slightly less food, cutting down the oil in cooking and so on. Just start on one thing and try to work up to the others.

Mmm, I don't honestly think visible signs of ageing are very different from weight gain TBH. Sure, you can avoid gaining weight and you can put up a strenuous fight against visible signs of ageing, but some of us are luckier than others in terms of how easy this is.

None of this really answers the question IMO: surely, if the OP's husband is 'just being honest' about his level of attraction, then it doesn't matter whether the OP can help how she looks, or not. If he's only attracted to women under the age of 25, then he's 'only being honest' if he says so. Just the same as if he says he's only attracted to women who are a size 10.

That’s just silly. No-one has a choice about aging, but we all have a choice about whether we just let ourselves go and become obese.

If the OP had decided to stop getting washed, and embraced a stinky life, would you think that the husband should just pretend that’s OK too?

@NotKevinTurvey - I just meant, there can be quite complicated reasons why someone gains weight, and some of them may be easily changed, but others might be much harder to change. Like ageing. Other posters point out that smoking and drinking make you age faster - it's not just to do with genetics. In my view, a decent partner will be honest with you because they care. The OP's partner doesn't care enough to have a straight conversation with her, and I think that is hurtful.

This is an impossible AIBU . Neither of you are being unreasonable and neither of you are being reasonable.

TBH I don't find fat men attractive. Im not sure how I'd feel about my husband if he became fat. If he medically couldn't do anything about it, say if it was because of drugs he was on or if he had some desease that made him fat I'd keep quiet but if he was able to do something about it then I'd be encouraging him to do so.

Aging is expected, though. As you grow older what you find attractive grows with you. Most people are still attracted to the older version of the person they met. Getting a lot fatter is not a natural progress. People don't suddenly develop the desire for a bigger person when they've only ever been attracted to slimmer bodies.

it’s not ‘selfish’ to want to stay at that weight but it would be unreasonable for you to expect your husband to have sex with you if he finds your weight a turn off

@SarahAndQuack I don't think a husband telling his wife he isn't attracted to her anymore as she no longer looks 25 is the same.

As the wife wouldn't be able to change the fact she is now older. So it would be mean to say that when she can't change anything? What would be the point of saying anything ?

The reason op husband has brought it up is because OP can do something about it. And he obviously does want to stay with her , otherwise he wouldn't bother caring , and would let the relationship dwindle away. But the fact he is trying to address the issue, shows he does want the relationship to continue

I am a size 8 in my late fifties. Obviously I looked better at 35. However, I think for my age I look well cared for and as good as I can look for my age. I have been lucky with my health for which I am grateful. Obviously my husband had got older too. I think as we get older our definition of attractiveness broadens/changes.

scarletisjustred·
I am a size 8 in my late fifties. Obviously I looked better at 35. However, I think for my age I look well cared for and as good as I can look for my age. I have been lucky with my health for which I am grateful. Obviously my husband had got older too. I think as we get older our definition of attractiveness broadens/changes

Attempted stealth boasting isnt helpful to the OP at all. & this is not about you

I lost five stone a few years ago. So if a partner said he preferred me heavier i take it i should put the weight back on right?

if you wanted him to want sex with you, yeh. If you’re not bothered that he doesn’t want to have sex with you at your current weight, no. Same answer to OP

@DeeCeeCherry Sorry it wasn't meant as a stealth boast. I was just trying to say that I thought aging was a different thing than weight gain and you can still take care of your appearance and have romantic thoughts even if you are older. To be fair, I come from a thin family so it's not special that older people can be thin. We possibly have something called futile cycles where we ingest calories but somehow they are not all absorbed.

@mmmmmmghturep nobody HAS to lose weight if you're happy with your current self that's fine, but you have to accept that when you undergo a massive change such as your 5 stone weightloss OR a significant weight gain, your partner may lose physical attraction for you.

People are allowed preferences, and if you were their preference upon meeting and then down the line dramatically change to the opposite of their preference , they are not assholes because the attraction isn't there.

Anyone is allowed to gain or lose weight but their SO doesn't have to like it or find it attractive. attraction isn't in our control.

Putting weight on when having a baby isnt a choice, its a natural process that perpares the body by laying down fat stores with which to feed the baby.

Its not like the OP said "I put on weight as I decided I love pudding more than him"

I am a size 8 and have been a size 22, and always put on 2 dress sizes when PG despite trying not to. It isnt a choice.