Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

[goldfinchonthelawn]

@ArcheryAnnie

Losing weight is free. In fact it may potentially save money if you're eating less.

This is patently untrue. The times it's been much easier for me to lose weight is when I've been earning more, and can spend more on good food - lovely veg, meat, eggs, fruit. The times when its been more difficult is when all I can afford for myself is cheap carbs, made tastier with fat and salt.

This is only true up to a point. You can buy eggs and chicken incredibly cheaply. Same with seasonal veg, pulses and brown rice. It is possible to eat very well on a low budget. It is much easier and more varied on a big budget but healthy foods don;t have to cost more than fatty, sugary processed ones.

[goldfinchonthelawn]

@AllAloneInThisHouse

Well, do you want to be married to someone who’s ’love’ is conditioned to yoir weight?

I don’t know how you feel about that, but I know I would just always have that knowing in my head that he’s going to leave if I’d gain weight again.
And that woul make me distance myself from him.

He hasn't said he'll leave. And it is just unrealistic to pretend that looks have nothing to do with sexual attraction for most men. They just do. Slim, fit, energised, confident, happy-in-themselves people who wear clothes that express their personality tend to be more sexually and physically attractive than very overweight, exhausted, self-conscious ones who wear whatever. I've been both. I know.

[IHateFlies]

Dh and I have both put weight on but we ticked along ok. Dh recently had a health scare and had to lose weight. I can't believe what a difference it's made to him and our relationship. He is happier, has more energy and looks really good.
And to be honest, I do fancy him much more now. He's never said anything to me, but I am losing weight now because I want the same response from him. I know he finds me more attractive weighing less and I know I'll feel better too.
It's hard, but it's always better to be a healthy weight.

[Johnnysgirl]

@TabithaTittlemouse

If you don’t want to loose weight you don’t have to but equally if he doesn’t find you attractive he doesn’t find you attractive.

This. Up to you, but his feelings are valid.

[Fe345fleur]

@FOTB

He's telling you that he's not attracted to you at the size you are, and possibly this is compounded by him not feeling confident about his own body. Yes, other men might want to have sex with you looking the way you do, but he's not other men. He's your husband.

Do you want him to feel sexually attracted to you? Do you want to lose the weight to make that possible, or would you rather call time and find someone else who likes your current size just as you are?

If you and your husband both want you to lose weight, it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to insist that he looks after your daughter more so you can go to the gym or go for a run. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to help out more with the cooking, so you can eat healthier, more balanced meals. He's allowed to declare a size preference, but that means he has to facilitate you being able to get there. He can't just say something like that and expect you to do everything.

This is good advice 🙂👍

[Topgub]

@goldfinchonthelawn

You can be energised and self confident happiness themselves and wear clothes when you're fat too.

[Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious]

And re the body positivity movement comments. It has become toxic. It started as encouraging women to not put their lives on hold while they waited for that elusive 2 stone weight loss or whatever and has become "I'm 'perfect' at whatever size I am"; "fat is healthy"; "fat is beautiful" etc and castigates anyone who disagrees.


Completely agree with this. OP I think your husband has been honest with you. I'm sorry, but if my partner got fat I wouldn't be attracted to him either. It's just not attractive to me. Of course you don't have to loose weight if you don't want too, however your husband has said he isn't attracted to you at the weight you are so then you have to accept and understand that.

[Glitteratitar]

Your husband is telling you he’s not attracted to you anymore but he wants to be. He’s trying to be diplomatic by saying “we” so it’s a joint problem that needs resolving instead of all on you.

Obviously you don’t need to lose weight if you don’t want to, but it depends on how important sexual attraction is to you. It doesn’t matter that other men still find you attractive, those men aren’t your husband.

[VWBZ]

I don't agree with this.

I was quite surprised at some of the answers as I thought everyone would be bashing him because he is a man and they would be telling OP to LTB.

Being overweight is unhealthy as is drinking too much and smoking but people tend to make excuses for being overweight.

Why not go on a health kick with your DH OP?

[Darbs76]

It’s tough to hear but he’s being honest. He doesn’t find you attractive the weight you are. Yes many men will find you attractive the size you are but he doesn’t. Assume he’s also gained weight. Being overweight is bad for health and with a young daughter it’s not a bad idea to both go on a fitness plan and overhaul your diet. As others have said he can help with this, doesn’t need to be all on you. Walking is great exercise, get him to do the bedtime routine a few days whilst you walk with a friend. If you don’t want to lose weight then fair enough.

[NotKevinTurvey]

@kateandme

Then the man needs to go and work on his own fat phobia.
You don't need to change for anyone and attraction should NOT be based on your size. You are still the same beautiful woman.
Mn hates that.and loves to say how u can't blame him if he doesn't like you are a larger woman,funny how this never has a thread on a woman being smaller and now unnatractive eh...
We live in a society where fat is bad.
It's a shit show.
You do NOT need to lose if you don't want to and he is a shallow prick for saying so.
I wouldn't want to have sex with someone with these views on woman,their bodies,me.

A preference for people who are a healthy weight isn’t a phobia.

[Topgub]

@NotKevinTurvey

It has nothing to do with health

[Kertrats]

The OP has not returned since asking the question. Not an attempt at goading but just stating a fact as I cannot answer without more information.

If she's always been the size she is, I find it odd that he's suddenly gone off her.
I think there's another woman he's got his eye on.
If she's become fatter, then maybe he's just not that attracted to overweight women and that's fair enough.

But to be absolutely frank I'm not completely sure that men are that fussy when it comes to the size of sexual partners. Perhaps extremely obese - or extremely slim would be a no no.

Once had a bf tell me I was huge at 9 stone (I'm five feet 4 so in no way huge) and I should lose a stone only for him to get a lady who was size 20 pregnant a few years later.

Not the lady's fault and I'm not having a go at her. Just only to illustrate how full of shit men can be.
What a c* he was.

[Benjispruce4]

I think it really depends on how this was said. Was it in a loving, careful way? Obviously it’s going to really hurt and you’ll need time to reflect on this. It also depends on how long you’ve been together and how much of that weight was gained since knowing him. I wouldn’t allow myself to put more than about 10lbs on before taking action . That’s for me but also because I want to be healthy, feel and look good for my self esteem . It’s also because I enjoy a oh yay relationship with my DH and I want him to want me. He doesn’t notice if a fluctuations of 10lbs but I reckon if I gained stones, he would and might ask what was happening.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[NotKevinTurvey]

@Topgub

Jeeze the comments on this thread are grim.

Fat phobic mysoginy at its finest.

Imagine having your whole self esteem so tied up in how other people see you.

A relationship is about accepting the other person for who they are. If you dont love them as they are then its obviously not the right relationship

Because of course, if anyone posts about their husbands the advice here is always to accept them for who they are.

Oh wait, no, it’s to leave them.

[Benjispruce4]

• physical relationship not an oh yay one!🙄

[Topgub]

@NotKevinTurvey

People don't change

If how they are is upsetting you and you cant find a way to live with it then end it.

There's that saying

When people tell you who they are, listen

[Dinoteeth]

Op he's saying you both need to loose weight. Do you still find him attractive?

For your own sake I think it's something you should do together. Much easier to loose weight if your both following the same diet or stop buying sweets and chocolate together.

Even a determination to get the 10,000 steps in together, take DD on her bike or scooter and all go for a walk after dinner.

I'm not following a diet just being careful with portion sizes and being slowly loosing half to pound since April. I've tried all the quick fixes and fell of the wagon going for the tortoise 🐢 wins the race this time.

[bloomety]

This is bullshit, it’s not misogynistic and it’s not about being a cool wife. I don’t find my husband attractive as he’s put weight on. I wish I had the courage to tell him this as I would also like to have a sexual relationship again but I find his rolls of fat a complete turn off. Shallow as that may be, it’s true. Doesn’t

[HazelBite]

OP, last year I lost a lot of weight due to a health condition, I had to have a very limited diet. The weight loss meant I dropped 2 dress sizes, could wear nicer, stylish clothes that made me feel so much more confident about myself.
That confidence has, I think, made me more attractive to DH.
Perhaps you don't like how you look, and am now cross that your DH doesn't find you as attractive as he did (I couldn't fancy DH if he had a beer belly!)
The fact he is talking to you about it is something, he is being honest at least.
Healthy eating and portion control are your friend, it is tough at first but after a couple of weeks it becomes a habit.
Good Luck. do it for you!

[NotKevinTurvey]

It’s a husband finding his wife’s unhealthy weight unattractive. Having a preference for people who are a healthy weight is not phobic, it’s perfectly normal.

It’s quite sad how many people of both sexes just make the choice to let themselves go once they are married, and don’t think it’s an issue. It’s no different to stopping washing and saying that their partner just has to accept that they smell different.

[CaptSkippy]

@GreyCarpet

Except that when women lost on here about husband's who have gain weight, this is exactly the approach they are advised to take...

I have never advised anyone that approach. My advice when you no longer find someone attractive, and it's a problem for you, would be to leave and not to try and change them.

[Fudgeball123]

What size were you before you had your child? How tall are you - size 18 is different if you are 6 ft 1 or 5 ft 1. Just because other men may want to have sex with you isn't really helpful for your marriage.
Its not easy working, having children and looking after yourself. I have let the latter go. I eat what I like these days and could probably do with losing a stone but am about the same size for the last 10 years and do take exercise when I can.

[NotKevinTurvey]

@Topgub

@NotKevinTurvey

People don't change

If how they are is upsetting you and you cant find a way to live with it then end it.

There's that saying

When people tell you who they are, listen

They do though. Many a slim bride ends up obese a few years later.

[Glitteratitar]

@Adamantspants

The usual “this is man is so shallow” comments etc on these type of posts, usually from overweight women or men who don’t or won’t lose weight for their own good or health. Partners should just suck it up when their other halves double in size and do nothing about it. Of COURSE you should love your husband or wife no matter how big they are, that is loving the person they are inside but you cannot and I mean CANNOT make yourself fancy them. If a man cannot get it up because he doesn’t find fatness attractive, there is nothing he can do about that. Same the other way round, if a woman is not attracted to an overweight man is she supposed to lie there and have sex with him regardless???

So the bottom line is that you should have sex with someone you are not physically attracted to and be made feel like a absolutely horrible person for feeling the way you do when there is nothing you can do about it??

Ok then.

Exactly. It’s not misogynistic or shallow or a “cool wives” thing (so original btw…) to want to be attracted to your partner.

My DH has had moments of weight gain where I find him unattractive. He is conscious of the gain himself and subsequently loses the weight but I can’t help but be completely turned off when he’s bigger. It’s not fatphobic, what nonsense to even suggest that. And during those moments, I don’t enjoy sex with him and simply go through the motions.

Husbands are perfectly entitled to have those same feelings.