Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

He has told you how he feels and he has the right to do that.

You can do what you wish with that information and if you prefer not to lose the weight then you know what the consequences are.

Yes there are subtleties to this situation but you are an adult and need to take this information as such.

Saying to don't have time to 'look after yourself' is disingenuous. Dieting involves eating less food. It is literally that simple. You don't need time to eat half the normal portions of food you are having.

Exercise and 'having time' doesn't go towards weight loss to any massive degree. Reducing carb load so your body can access your stores is the only way to lose body fat.

Take the information for what it is without the emotions attached and without the 'huff factor' and choose your own path here. He has given you his own honest view. If you honestly want to stay the way you are, tell him and let him make decisions over his own future.

He’s been very honest with you. I don’t find overweight men attractive. I don’t know how much weight my DH would have to put on to make me tell him what your DH did. It really depends on your relationship in other ways. Is he loving and are you happy ? Just to add, looking after a 4 year old should not impact on your size. The main influence in your size is what you eat.

I'm torn on this one to be honest.

I'd normally say you shouldn't ever lose weight because of someone else's opinion.

But actually, physical attraction in a marriage is important, and it sounds like he is telling you in a fairly gentle way that he's less attracted to you than previously. It's also fair enough not to want to live in a sexless marriage. He's being very honest with you about this and he is not being nasty, he's just saying how he feels. That's valid.

It sounds like he is offering to do it with you to make it a joint challenge rather than putting all the pressure on you. Plus, it would probably be beneficial for your health as well.

It's up to you if you do anything about it but I don't think that anything he has said to you is unreasonable or nasty.

Saying to don't have time to 'look after yourself' is disingenuous. Dieting involves eating less food. It is literally that simple. You don't need time to eat half the normal portions of food you are having.

@StooOrangeyForCrows I can see where you're coming from with this but in reality it's not always that straightforward to implement a lifestyle change even if it's 'just' eating less food. You have to switch your mindset, might have to put more time and thought into shopping and meal planning, budget, etc.

It certainly seems like it should be that straightforwad, but it's not. It requires mental effort and headspace which OP might struggle with. So this is a little bit of an unfair comment.

And just to add: yes, I would be hurt (and have been hurt) by a partner's controlling and shaming behaviour, when I put weight on after having a baby. The partnership did not survive (there were other factors, too) and I am a great deal better off for being alone. It's utterly exhausting having someone hassle you about your weight all the time, especially when they do fuck-all to support the conditions in which it might be possible to lose weight, if you wanted to do so.

I agree @ArcheryAnnie . Motivation is the key factor. And someone who is tired, unappreciated and fed up with no time for self-care is unlikely to be able to find the motivation to eat healthier foods and run around the playground more. That's where the gym or classes or a group activity can come in handy... they force you to carve out time for you when you're not just 'mum' with a hundred things to do. Instead, you get to focus on you for a bit. 'Family time' is hugely overrated if all it really means is constant 'Mummy drudge' time.

Dieting involves eating less food. It is literally that simple.

This is a ludicrous comment, which will not help anyone lose weight.

I understand your comment but it doesn't change the fact that the OP has been given the 'gypsy warning'.

If her DH comes to her in two years and says that he wants out of the marriage because he no longer finds her attractive, the OP can't really complain.

If the OP is cooking one slice of bacon, an egg and two pieces of toast for herself, it takes the same time to cook three slices of bacon, 2 eggs and not have the toast. This way she will lose the weight as she is not having the carbs. That is the change in mindset and it would be a sign to her DH that she has taken on board what he said.

Of course there is a quid pro quo. At some point in the future she will need him to 'step up' but that is for another day.

All I'm saying is if the OP's first reaction to this is to dig in her heels, that's fine and a legitimate response, but no more legitimate that her DH deciding that his marriage to her is not for him long term as a result of her staying fatter than he would ideally like her.

Unlike a lot of men, he has given her the heads up.

Actually you are correct Archery Annie dieting involves eating less carbs not less food. I stand corrected.

well that’s rubbish. I am 40 and remember that the average dress size was a 16 back in the late 90s. And before you say, I still have clothes from back then and no, the sizes haven’t massively increased either.

I'm sorry he has said this to you. I am a lot heavier than when I met my DH. I am currently losing weight (20lb down so far) and my (consistently slim) DH has been really supportive but also has always made me feel beautiful and desired whatever my weight.

Losing weight is hard and there is a psychological component to it. I don't think my DH telling me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and I had to lose weight or he would leave me, would put me in the best frame of mind to lose weight. It would also make it clear that my DH love for me was purely based on how I looked. Would he leave me when I start looking older and less attractive? If I became ill and it impacted my looks? I would struggle to ever feel secure in such a shallow relationship.

If your DH had approached this from a health perspective of both of you, that would have been a lot better and more motivating, potentially, for you. If you do want to lose weight, tell your DH he needs to step up with childcare, housework and cooking, so you have the time, energy and support you need.

It’s still about attraction though isn’t it? If you say this stuff is fine because the DH is just being honest, what about if he doesn’t like wrinkled skin, or prefers a certain hair colour or length?

It sounds your husband has tried to express his feelings diplomatically. I can imagine it's really hurtful but this is how he feels. It's up to you whether you lose weight, but I don't think your husband is BU for sharing his feelings at all. Everyone expects a bit of wear and tear through the years. Age, childbirth, stress, illness etc are all expected contributing factors in changing how we look, but there is an extent to which certain things are within our control. I personally don't think it's unreasonable to want to work with what I've got and what's within my control.

I think the fact you do the lion's share of the parenting is maybe leading to resentment on your part, and subsequent reluctance to modify your appearance for him. I don't think it's actually stopping you from losing weight, as presumably if you've already got time to do the grocery shop, cook and eat food then you can do the same with healthier options. Weightloss is mostly diet.

Have a heart to heart and talk about where you both want your marriage to go longterm. I really struggled with my weight as a teen and totally get how any mention of it can make you withdraw and dig your heels in deeper. It really can feel so upsetting and shameful, so I'm not underpaying that at all. But your husband isn't being unreasonable in sharing his feelings. The information is there for you to choose what to do with it.

Your husband is shallow and a hypocrite. He only want to lose weight to make you lose weight. You don't have a problem with his weight, he only does with yours. He thinks that by saying 'we' it makes his BS more acceptable.

On top of that he is not pulling his weight as a parent. What a pratt.

It's your choice to lose weight or not but it's his choice to leave if he's no longer attracted to you.

Am I only one wondering if OP is doing things that undermine his efforts to lose weight for his own benefit?

Yes, you probably are

It's not your husband's fault that he finds you less attractive when you are bigger; beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I think it's rude of him to let you know that his desire for you is so dependent on your size. I think I would feel very offended and under-valued by his comment.

He should have stopped at: "we could both do with losing a bit of weight/becoming more active.

Size 18 is not that big. One possibility is that with your increased weight, you may have stopped perceiving yourself as attractive and maybe ceased dressing/acting/grooming like you did at your lower weight, thus presenting yourself as less desirable, which can then affect the way he views you. This could be tied up with your recent role as tired mum, with less time for romance. He may be finding you less sexy, but because he cannot articulate why, even to himself, he comes up with the obvious answer: It must be the extra weight.

Maybe it's the romance and intimacy, rather than the attraction that's waning. Just a thought. You know him better than us.

What about if the man went bald and you found him less attractive you would say grow some more hair or get a hair transplant or we are done would you

I’m guessing your body has changed after carrying and giving birth to his child aswell

what a prick

If you want to lose weight only do it for you

At some point in the future she will need him to 'step up' but that is for another day.

Why is that for "another day"?

You arent - and in an ideal world he would love you as you are. I suspect there are deeper issues at play like maybe loss of connection between you which need exploring. Counselling for you both together may be helpful

@Alltheleavesaregreen1 the reason I say , telling someone you're not attracted to them after their weight gain, is OK - is that it can be changed.

If my husband in 15-20 years comes to me and says he doesn't like my aged face, what can I realistically do about it ? Nothing
So what would be the reason for telling me???

However weight management is very much within my control. Yes it's not easy. But it is quite simple.

If My husband came to me and said he is no longer attracted to me because I look older, what is the solution? I can't do anything about it so I'd he telling me he wants to end the relationship?

Whereas op husband is telling her about her weight as he DOES want to continue the relationship.

So one (aging) would be said cruelly, and weight not, because of the ability to change and the husbands intentions (what is he trying to achieve from the comment)

This is why they are not the same.

But yes TECHNICALLY a husband can tell his wife he isn't attracted to her older face, attraction isn't a choice, but it isn't a swap for swap scenario for this situation for the reasons I have mentioned. And I would consider the husband an asshole for that. An honest asshole but an asshole nonetheless

Well, y’know, important things first - OP has to halve her portion sizes so that her poor DH can bring himself to have sex with her. Less relevant stuff like him pulling his weight can wait.

Wow, if my husband said that he would find that he would soon lose all size 18 of me. I can't believe some of the replies on here. OP you need to ask yourself if you find someone so shallow attractive, I sure as hell wouldn't.

Indeed. They're linked, aren't they? If he steps up, the OP might find herself more motivated to make changes.