Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

You don't have to lose weight but equally he doesn't have to find you attractive at your larger size. Losing weight and being healthy would also be a good example to set for your daughter so I can see where he is coming from.

Soup, salad, omlette are all quick and easy dinners to put together. Your husband could also look after your daughter while you go to the gym /. On a run etc

"Body positivity" didn't cause the rise in average weight and dress size. It's been going up for some time, since the 1990s certainly.

You can't change how he feels, but you never owe it to someone else to change. And to be quite honest many people do gain weight with age--they certainly change shape. The idea that you owe it to your partner to stay a size 10 because that's how you were when you met is fatally flawed. You'll never be the same, physically, as when you met. Has he gained or lost any weight? Gone bald? Do I have an obligation to dye my grey hair because I didn't have it when I met my husband?

I think it’s hard because you sound like you find it a bit controlling of him & so any weight loss you may attempt will not be coming from a place of motivation (from you) but reluctance to please him. Will it be doomed to fail? If you have gained a lot of weight then maybe he is having to spell out in black & white that it will result in the relationship breaking down because of it. As such any thing or habit or behaviour that has such a detrimental impact on the relationship does deserve addressing. If however you feel strongly enough that he should love you no matter what weight you are, then you may have to look for someone else that accepting.
It may be harder if you comfort eat & are dealing with stress, tiredness etc by eating. Maybe there’s stuff causing you to use food in this way & so the idea of giving it up is making you feel a bit resistant. How will you cope if that’s taken away from you?
In any case - he needs to step up & do his fair share of parenting/housework etc. As you could argue that your weight gain is a symptom of the imbalance in the home. In order for this to change, so must his behaviour change too. He can’t have it both ways.

Then the man needs to go and work on his own fat phobia.
You don't need to change for anyone and attraction should NOT be based on your size. You are still the same beautiful woman.
Mn hates that.and loves to say how u can't blame him if he doesn't like you are a larger woman,funny how this never has a thread on a woman being smaller and now unnatractive eh...
We live in a society where fat is bad.
It's a shit show.
You do NOT need to lose if you don't want to and he is a shallow prick for saying so.
I wouldn't want to have sex with someone with these views on woman,their bodies,me.

I would only say do things to make yourself feel better if you can.so it lifts and brightens you again. for YOU .I no being a mum is stressy and consuming.but start finding your happy moments so u can tell him to fuck off and not even give requests like this a second thought.its offensive as fuck.

And this isn't about health.you don't no someone's health from looking at them this is purely today society being fat shamers and the thin ideal.
Mn is terrible for it op so they will just say u need to lose for your health.
Health is behaviours.what you add in.good nutritional add ins.sleep.stress.talking.support.housing lifestyle.cost of living.job.but somehow it's about weight.yeh pull the other one.thats fat phobia.
I recommend "you are not a before picture" book by Alex light.

Also, he needs to come out and say exactly what his problem is rather than saying it's so you BOTH can be attracted to each other

I think he has already, he said he didn't want to be in a sexless marriage and she had to lose weight

OP, I’ve been there too. My DH wasn’t as a direct but kept suggesting we healthed up etc. the spark had died post kids as I had let myself go (this is my assessment with hindsight) and as a consequence, totally lost myself. I didn’t do anything about it. He had an affair and left. Again, with hindsight, I can understand aspects of what he did. Love and attraction are separate things, and unless you are both happy for there to be only love, it’s not going to be a happy place.

I've been where you are OP. I had 2 babies quite close together, didn't lose the pregnancy gain from DD1 and then put even more on with DD2. Then we had lockdown. By Jan 2021 I was 6 stone heavier than I was when we first met 15 years ago in my teens, and 4 stone heavier than I had been pre-pregnancies. DC were 4 and 18 months and I felt tired and miserable.

My DP didn't have to have 'the talk' with me. I could just tell that he wasn't attracted to me anymore as he stopped initiating sex as often, and would sometimes struggle to maintain an erection when we did have sex, which he attributed to tiredness. The lack of intimacy was affecting both of us. Realistically I knew what the problem was and knew that if I wanted to save our relationship I needed to lose weight.

By April 2021 I was 4 stone down doing a mix of VLCD and fast800. I was much happier in myself and our sex life returned to normal. I maintained that loss for over a year but I am now doing intermittent fasting to lose the other 2 stone before I go wedding dress shopping.

It is tough to lose weight, and tiring. I was working 4 days a week and homeschooling DD1 at the time and going from probably 4000 calories a day to 800 was hard. I think if I was just trying to lose as DP wanted me to, rather than because I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

If you feel truly happy with your size at the moment then of course you shouldn't feel forced into losing weight. On the other hand I don't think it's necessarily wrong or shallow of your DH to admit that he is not attracted to you at this size.

Honestly, I wouldn't lose weight for him, he doesn't sound worth it. Marriage is a team effort and if he's not pulling his weight at home and with his DD, then he can't really be surprised that you don't have enough time to look after yourself and 'maintain' yourself to his standards. Nor that him having the sex life he wants isn't exactly your priority.

Having said that, most people feel happier when they're healthier and in shape and getting regular exercise so maybe do it for you and so you have more energy for your DD. And what your H has said gives you the perfect excuse to demand that he steps up. I'd be saying to him, 'actually, now you mention it, I do want to do X, Y and Z to get in better shape so you'll be cooking and looking after DD three evenings a week from now on'.

I would lose weight if I was an unhealthy weight to save my relationship and also improve my health, if I loved my husband and wanted to stay with him. I'd find a way we could do it together - exercise together, maybe go for runs/swims/bike rides, cook together. Could be really nice and fun and you'd probably feel much better for it and grow closer in the process!

It's quite refreshing to read sensible responses on here rather than the usual onslaught of "He should still fancy you whatever your size. He's a bastard" comments.

I'm 12/14. I've been anything between a 10 and a 16 in my adult life but I'm definitely happier in myself at a 10/12. My boyfriend doesn't care and has dated women who were significantly underweight and significantly overweight and everything in between. But a lot of people do. Not men; people.

He's overweight. I fell in love with him at the size he is. If he lost or gained a significant amount of weight, it would change how I felt about him. Obviously, it would be up to him - it's his body and I don't own it. But would I still fancy him the same if he lost or gained a significant amount of weight? I don't know tbh.

If he's suggesting it's something you do together then I'd say the next conversation is one about how you are both going to facilitate the other in doing that.

And re the body positivity movement comments. It has become toxic. It started as encouraging women to not put their lives on hold while they waited for that elusive 2 stone weight loss or whatever and has become "I'm 'perfect' at whatever size I am"; "fat is healthy"; "fat is beautiful" etc and castigates anyone who disagrees.

OP, obviously it is up to you but I know my body works better, I feel more energetic, I look better etc when I'm smaller than when I'm larger. If you really don't want to lose weight and are genuinely happy as you are and this is the weight/size you've been aiming for and working towards then it's up to you. But he can't help what he is attracted to. But if you are also looking at yourself and desiring to lose weight for the health benefits and your daughter etc, then maybe this is the time to have a conversation with him about how you are both going to achieve the weightloss he mentions.

@ChocolateHippo to be fair, though OP says she does most of the looking after of the 4 yo, she doesn’t say whether she works FT etc.
in any event, in my experience, (because I say this myself!) saying you don’t have time to lose weight isn’t plausible if you actually want to. Take the 4yo for a walk, bike ride, run around the park, eat healthy together.

Ah the usual santimonious thinly veiled "but what about your health and being a role model" responses.

Firstly, Your DH should help you more with your DC regardless of what you do with that time because she is his child!

I don't think you are selfish not to lose weight and to be honest, even if I lost weight for my husband after such a conversation with him, I don't think I would ever be attracted to him again. Something would have been irrevocably broken. And that would be my prerogative same as it's his not to find me attractive at a bigger size.

He is entitled to not want sex if he isn't attracted and he is entitled to his opinion and feelings around size but equally you are entitled to do what the fuck you want with your body and life.

@SarahAndQuack I think the age comparison is actually excellent because there absolutely are men who do just that: despite botox, surgeries and the best diet and self care they go off to marry a younger woman when the first gets too old. That too is down to attraction.

For some men their taste in age groups will broaden as they grow older... but that can also be broadening the size and body weight range they find attractive. We've all seen pervy 60 year olds still eyeing up teenagers and early twenties and that's just the ones we noticed/caught. How many more secretly and not so secretly also desire a specific age? The fact we have more control over weight than aging doesn't mean that sexual attraction can't also be lost due to aging. We just try not to think about that too much because we can't help aging and we hope our partners have developed enough of a bond with us to stay in the relationship.

OP: I don't think it's selfish not to lose weight for your husband because if you have not got yourself to a healthy weight for your own sake and comfort you likely are in such a bad place the last thing you need is more blame, guilt and shame. But I know some of MNers think shaming is an excellent way to motivate... hence the bad mother insinuations.

op listen to your own feelings on this one and do what you want to do for your own sake. Not for your daughter or your husband but for you. If it were me I'd make him take more responsibilities at home and with our DC and use that time to look after my mental and physical wellbeing and I would see if I still wanted to be with him: the odds are that I wouldn't ever want sex with him again either.

Sorry should've proof read *sanctimonious

I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do.

This is the biggest music misconception people in relationships have- that the 'others will want me as a I am!'

Try dating (plus kids, plus extra weight) - it's a bloody MINEFIELD.

Just because other will have sex with you, doesn't mean they will want to share life with you. Like your husband wants to. Appreciate your husband.

My two cents.

The OP says she doesn't have much time for herself. Even if the OP was a SAHP and her husband worked full-time, they should still be sharing the chores/childcare 50/50 when he's not at work, which would leave her with plenty of time to get to the gym or join a class. And you don't get fit by going for a walk/bike ride at 4yo pace. I got much more exercise when my now 5yo was smaller and I could shove them in the buggy and power walk.

• or the general work balance in household, childcare setup etc

don't think you are being selfish but he is telling you he doesn't want sex with you unless you loose weight. It's not very nice for him to say but he is being brutally honest with you. If you want your marriage to survive you will have to listen if you don't really care then take no notice the choice is yours !

completely agree. It is your choice to make, just be mindful that you are making a significant choice.

It's also not good for your child.

Your DH has been candid enough to tell you he is no longer physically attracted to you due to your weight gain. Loss of physical attraction is a deal breaker for most couples. He is working towards the longevity of marriage by saying let’s lose weight together presumably to motivate each other and exercise together. Effectively creating a new hobby you two share.

In his shoes, if my partner isn’t willing to do that for me it is tricky for the marriage to continue. My DH gave up smoking for me because I didn’t like it. He lost weight he gained during lockdown because I cannot stand the podgy belly. I lost weight I gained because he finds me more attractive that way. To me, these are the things we do for each other to keep us happy.
I could argue you are being selfish to resist contributing towards this combined effort.

Weight loss doesn’t necessarily have to involve a trainer or the gym. In my experience gym is for people to hone their skills. It is for fit people to get fitter. I only go to the gym if I need to train a specific muscle or extreme fat loss for an event.

Weight loss for the young families with full time jobs should start with gentle fasting such as no snack between meals. Then Proceeds to cut one meal out. Eliminate as much treats as possible and cut down alcohol or eliminate alcohol altogether.
Take the kids out to the park together and play with them, play chase, kick a ball, get into the games. Playing and spending time outdoors with children is effective exercise as opposed to pounding treadmills on your own.

Weight loss should not automatically equate to loss of family time.

Well if he has put on weight maybe he should loose his nefore commenting on others.

Really surprised at responses on here. I’d be very hurt by this OP x

Are you going to answer any of the questions asking what weight you were when you met? @Boo123456

I think it’s fine to express your preferences to your partner when done kindly.

Thing is, telling someone that they are unfanciable and need to lose weight is an excellent strategy for making sure they never lose weight. Making someone feel awful about themselves does not put them in the right frame of mind for being able to lose weight.

For many people, it's also pretty much impossible to lose weight if you are tired all the time, as the easiest way to get a little energy boost to get you through the day is to have a snack. I eat more when I'm exhausted just because I tend to substitute food for sleep, and I'm not alone in this.

OP, your body is yours, not his. Keep the same weight you are, or lose weight, exactly as you please. Your DH's body is also his, and he is not obligated to find you attractive, or initiate sex, which you also have to accept. (Other people may well find you very attractive, but that has no bearing on whether your DH does.)

If you do decide that you want to lose weight, then you have to tell your DH that it won't happen if he continues to shame you, and if he continues not to pull his weight with parenting, and all the chores at home. Which he should be doing regardless - he lives there too, and he's a grown adult who should be doing his fair share. You could point out that laziness isn't sexy, if hes so keen on both partners in this marriage trying to be what the other finds attractive.