Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

This really isn't about whether a man's opinion is more important than a woman's. It's about whether someone's right to be fat is more important than someone else's right not to want to have sex with a fat person. The arguments on both sides are made whenever this subject crops up, regardless of the sex of the overweight person.

Absolutely nothing to do about anyone’s right.

Talking about the right to be fat assumes that it’s easy to not be fat and that it’s a choice which isn’t always the case to start with.

The right to have sex well …. doesn’t exist because no one has the RIGHT to have sex. You might want it, you might expect it but certainly no one has a right to have sex with someone.

Starting form this pov is quite scary Imo.

Btw, just in case, no one has the right to have sex because they are in a relationship with someone.

Just to make it clear.

Yes, it would be scary if I'd have said the right to have sex. But I didn't, I said the right NOT to want to have sex. Its an important difference.
And I'm comfortable with the right to be fat as a statement as well. Not everyone is fat because they can't help but would be slim if they could. Some people are perfectly happy to be fat amd that is their right. The OP sounds comfortable with her own size for example.

No-one should ever feel like they have to lose weight for someone else (I guess that to an extent if it is life limiting and there are children involved then the children can be the motivation). All the other person can do is be supportive if the partner wants to lose weight. My wife wants to lose weight and is actively trying to lose weight. She knows that I love her regardless but that isn't the point because she wants to lose the weight to be healthy so I support her by following her diet.

The reality is , one person may not want to ‘be healthier , may feel they are healthy enough or may say they don’t have time , insert whatever they feel … It’s their decision not the spouses
of course people should communicate their feelings … but too often people nag , take some moral high ground and try and pressure the other into losing weight ….so yes like I’ve said , say how you feel but recognise it’s ultimately up to each person what they do or do do regarding their weight

I think I've come across a size 18 person about five times in my life and I'm late 40s. This is scary stuff!!

I'm 5ft 5 and a size 18. If you've honestly only come across people as big as me five times in your life I'd love to know where you live, so I can make a mental note never to go there!

@Iamthewalnut You look great.

Anyone saying it's about health is lying.becayse you Cannot tell someone's health based on size.this is a diet culture myth and lie in order to perpetuate fat phobia for monetary and shame game.
If someone says I'm just worried for their health...bollox.you just want society accepted thin.
We've been taught fat is bad ugly etc and thinner slimmer is better prettier.
We didn't come out the womb believing these things cweve been taught and manipulate to thibk so.its particularly bad atm.the media,even health profession and diet industries all push this narrative.its wrong.
And it's spurs on the shame and weight cycling of many woman.something that can actually be quite dangerous.
So an attraction against fat is just that a horrible horrible belief ingrained lie.and it's not about health or is wrongly so.otherwise why mention weight,weight is not a behaviour,if it was health you'd be saying I want you to eat more nutritiously,sleep better,less stress,good movement,suppirt,emotionally,job,family,these are all actual health promoting behaviours.OF REAL HEALTH.stop lying if your sayingvweihht is that is not a signifier it's an aesthetic thing.

Yes agree totally and those saying it’s treated the same in a man and woman , Are wrong
sure a partner , male or female can complain about a partners weight but a woman gaining weight is almost invariably treated worst than a man who does
one only needs to look at the endless examples of overweight men who are accepted and loved in mainstream culture and compare that to the way overweight women are vilified for dating not to conform to what most of society deems ‘feminine and beautiful ‘
people don’t generally give a crap about strangers health , what they care about is justifying their own hang ups and pressuring women into conformity

People aren't telling her to lose weight for her husband, though. Most are saying lose weight if you want to, lose weight for your health, lose weight for your children. For her. Not him. Or not. It's her choice.

It doesn't mean her husband is wrong to not find her attractive anymore. People go off their partners for all sorts of reasons.

I disagree, I have plenty of female friends whose husbands are quite overweight and they are concerned about their husbands' health. I don't think it is more accepted in males and men also struggle with their weight and image.

@vikinga
have you read any of the research on how women are more heavily penalised in dating , workplace and in general than overweight men?
there is even research showing being overweight can be seen as an advantage for men in some situations giving them more ‘gravatis ‘

“In contrast with research that highlights the stigma that is commonly associated with being overweight, we … find that the anthropological concept of ‘big men’ can carry literal meaning,” wrote study authors Kevin M. Kniffin, Vicki L. Bogan and David R. Just.

Their research also suggests that “biases in relation to being relatively big” have “opposite impacts for women and men”, Kniffin told HuffPost.

Overweight men and women are not judged the same.

“Heavyweight”, “gravitas”, “not being a pushover” — these everyday words and phrases suggest a positive relationship between influence and body mass.

And, across six individual studies, the Cornell researchers found that participants did see extra weight as a sign of valuable leadership traits like persuasiveness.

In one study, respondents agreed most strongly with the statement that “heavy people are more likely to be perceived as persuasive”.

In a separate study, they estimated that a person with gravitas would weigh more.

But when the researchers dialled down on gender, they found that larger men and women were not judged to be equally persuasive.‘

@Vikinga

’But when the researchers dialled down on gender, they found that larger men and women were not judged to be equally persuasive.

Respondents were asked to rate drawings of men and women of various body sizes on how persuasive they expected the person to be.

Overweight and obese males were seen as more persuasive, but perceived persuasiveness declined linearly for females drawn as overweight and obese.

Kniffin told HuffPost that explaining those gender differences would warrant a separate set of focused studies.

But perhaps it’s because bigger women carry the extra burden of societal expectations of physical beauty.

Rebecca Puhl, Deputy Director of the University of Connecticut’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, pointed to the premium that our society places on being thin.

While men and women are both vulnerable to weight stigma and discrimination, we have “very stringent and strict ideals of female physical attractiveness, and if women deviate from these expected ideals, if their bodies are larger, they tend to be penalised”, Puhl told HuffPost.’

theres Plenty more research saying the same . Men are simply not penalised ad heavily for being overweight as women are and on top of that women are penalised at lesser levels of overweight
Your personal experience as one person knowing the people you do may have led you to your false conclusions but I’d suggest looking at the research of thousands of overweight men and women by experts to form accurate and informed conclusions

@Vikinga
I forgot to add . The OPs husband wasn’t concerned for her health he said it was about his attraction.
Although some men may be concerned about weight and image they are under nowhere near the pressure women are to be slim . Slim is not equated with masculinity in the way it is with Femininity and female beauty

In fairness I think more men are actively attracted to overweight women than women are to overweight men though. In reality, while they may have a preference for slim women, a good proportion of men don't care if a woman is larger, with a growing tendancy to associate excess female weight with 'womanly curves'.
There is no postive equivalent to 'curvy' to describe the 'moobs' and 'beer belly' of an overweight man. 'Cuddley' maybe, but that term hardly epitomises stereotypical masculinity, which for men is tall lean and muscular.
Fortunately for men, women tend to put looks lower down the agenda. Otherwise I think overweight men would be a lot less likely to be considered attractive than the equivalent woman.

I disagree … i know several overweight men and have been told by a couple that it makes them feel more ‘manly ‘ and that people won’t mess with them
I think the terms bear , solid , strong, big guy are all very much often used in positive ways to describe overweight men
plenty of women are attracted to and dating overweight men
thr message from the media is still predominately that I overweight men ‘get’hot thin women
the research shows clearly that overweight women are penalised more heavily than men

the research supports this too

’a team of psychologists from the University of Surrey and the University of Oxford analyzed how male and female interviewers judged the attractiveness of potential employees. Female interviewers judged heavier men and women applicants as equally unattractive. But men gave their own gender a pass for being overweight, ranking male applicants' attractiveness as less of a problem while expressing a noticeable distaste for overweight women.’

My wife wants to lose weight because she says that she can feel the affect that it has on her joints so I wouldn't necessarily say that weight doesn't have a bearing on health. Just because someone is bigger doesn't mean that they are unhealthy but there is little doubt that being overweight has negative side affects - blood pressure, diabetes, heart issues to name a few. It isn't a black and white thing for sure and it certainly shouldn't be for aesthetic reasons as yes, society is skewed to believe that thin is the ideal but we shouldn't ignore the dangers of being overweight. Again though, it is definitely the person concerned that needs to be the one to do it and then they should be supported - be it a man or a woman.

No weight is not a behaviour. Overeating is the behaviour, binging is the behaviour, gorging is the behaviour. Fatness and obesity, in the majority of cases (not all but the majority) is the result of these behaviours which unfortunately is a very apparent indicator because you can see it on the outside.

My sister is obese. She has eaten herself to that state. She has painful joints, diabetes, heart trouble, sores under the folds of skin etc etc, I could go on all day with the list of ailments she has. I AM worried for her health, her husband IS worried for her health. She can barely walk. You would KNOW by looking at her that she is unhealthy BECAUSE of her weight. She sweats profusely, sometimes does not make it to the toilet on time because she cannot move fast enough and wets herself, her face is purple.. Sometimes is IS an aesthetics thing, my sister is killing herself by being overweight and just looking at her.....you can see that.

Anyone can.

Well once again, you might want to read more around the causes of people being obese instead if saying they are lazy, gorging themselves etc…

fwiw if someone is ‘gorging themselves’ as you say then They have an eating disorder. They are ill.
And it’s perpetuated by this exact type of comments.

If things were just a simple as ‘just stop gorging yourself’ you can bet that we wouldn’t have the epidemic of obesity we have today.

Absolutely she is ill, she cannot stop eating. She knows she is hurting herself but she cannot stop. She will actually die. We are broken hearted.

The gorging and overeating is part of her binge eating disorder. I never mentioned laziness, the point is, she cannot move. She has had lots of treatment for the disorder but to no avail, it is deeply ingrained and has her in it's clutches.

ALSO the point is Cannot tell someone's health based on size is an absolute lie.

You can.

You can tell a person's health by looking at them if they are obese due to an eating disorder, same as you can tell a person who has anorexia is not healthy either.

I think a lot of people being overweight or obese is from eating (and/or drinking) slightly too much over a long period of time, rather than an obvious disorder, bingeing or eating loads, and also some people bugger up their metabolism with constant dieting and actually can't eat that much without putting on weight. Also having kids often buggers up your metabolism and hormones and is a big change to lifestyle. Hormones are a huge factor in maintaining a healthy weight. After having DD2 I had treatment for borderline cervical cancer and then endometriosis.

A lot of middle aged people now grew up being told to finish everything that was on our plate. So we were not able to regulate our food intake according to appetite from a young age and programmed to overeat. The trouble was that plates and portions got bigger and we are still finishing our plates.

Then a lot of people's working life is sedentary. But stressful- an ideal recipe for comfort eating.

Combine this with a food industry bent on getting us hooked on highly-processed food which is not satisfying and makes you want to overeat. And don't get me started on the diet industry.

Two-thirds of adults are overweight or obese. Some of these people may have serious eating disorders but many will not. This has been increasing practically all my life and I'm 46. Clearly there is something going on a society level - it's not a case of lazy fatties overeating and not havnig as much willpower as we did in the 1970s! Even countries with a long slow/fresh food culture like France, while behind us, are still experiencing increasing obesity levels. It's much easier, for most people, to be overweight, than slim.

Even a small amount of extra weight can affect health. I mentioned previously that my DH had a BMI of 27 (only slightly overweight) and had raised blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar (prediabetes). All these numbers went back to normal when he lost weight and got in to a healthy BMI. Most people would think a BMI of 27 is nothing to worry about but his doctor was definitely worried and referred him to a cardiologist! So yes when my DH puts on even a few pounds I worry for his health.

I think that’s the case for people with mild to moderate obesity - those who are within 3-4 stone of their ideal weight. I absolutely think the majority of those who are extremely obese have a serious problem with binge eating. Whether it can be termed an eating disorder, I don’t know, but you absolutely don’t get to 20+ stone by eating a few too many biscuits.

I don't think u r being unreasonable although I can plainly see hubby's point of view. He is (and wants to be) lusting after you. For us men, physical appearance is a big deal.

That said, weight is not everything. I once had a girlfriend who was voluptuous and very sexy. Long after we broke up and she married someone else, she lost a lot of weight. Last I saw her, she felt good, had more energy, but lost all of her sex appeal (saggy skin, prominent wrinkles, shriveled bosom, no more curves, and no butt).

My point is a spouse needs to recognize the fact as you both get older, you lose that youthful appearance.