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Original poster

Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

683 replies

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

OP posts:
Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:21

Demanding someone changes in order to please you sexually isn't about love or saving a marriage

Ok a question, what do you propose he does? Stay and not have sex with her because he can't maintain an erection and does not find her attractive or stay with her and try to have sex with her even though he doesn't want to.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:24

Sexual preference comes in all forms.

Your argument appears to be that has he can't help what he finds sexually attractive then he is in the right and its up to her to save the marriage by changing to please him

The same applies to any sexual preference.

Its not uo to 1 person to fully change to suit the other.

If they are incompatible sexually then it's neither person's fault

You're still projecting your own insecurities

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:26

I propose he ends the relationship and finds someone he is sexually compatible with

Someone who values looks above all else

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:29

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:24

Sexual preference comes in all forms.

Your argument appears to be that has he can't help what he finds sexually attractive then he is in the right and its up to her to save the marriage by changing to please him

The same applies to any sexual preference.

Its not uo to 1 person to fully change to suit the other.

If they are incompatible sexually then it's neither person's fault

You're still projecting your own insecurities

No I did not say that. If she does not want to change her weight to what he finds sexually attractive she is more than entitled to say no, fuck off, how dare you, hot happening and finish the relationship. Of course she is.

He is also entitled to say, this is not working for me and I cannot see past it. I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and finish the relationship.

She has every right to not lose weight, it is choice for her, it is not a choice for him unless he wants to live like a monk which is not fair on either of them.

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 10:32

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 05:02

He made it clear it’s about attraction not worry for her health
she has every right not to have to conomy to what he ‘seems ‘ attractive
luckily women live in an age when we don’t have to stay in unhappy relationships and we have autonomy to be the person we want to be inckuding look how we want to look

Show quote history

I completely agree. For me attraction has no correlation with looks. If someone is nice, funny, loving, intelligent then that's what attracts me, not how they look.

And I would be very upset if my partner didn't find me attractive because of having gained weight.

But what we shouldn't do is normalise obesity because it is unhealthy and people should prioritise their health. I can tell when I've put on some weight that my mobility is slightly less etc.

But in my experience amongst my friends, I see people being attracted to all sorts of people. I personally, if i was basing it on looks alone would prefer someone overweight than skinny.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 14/06/2022 10:40

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:29

No I did not say that. If she does not want to change her weight to what he finds sexually attractive she is more than entitled to say no, fuck off, how dare you, hot happening and finish the relationship. Of course she is.

He is also entitled to say, this is not working for me and I cannot see past it. I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and finish the relationship.

She has every right to not lose weight, it is choice for her, it is not a choice for him unless he wants to live like a monk which is not fair on either of them.

Show quote history

Well if looks were so essential to him, he should have said that right form the start.‘I love you because you are slim’ and ‘if you put weight on, I’ll leave’

We all have boundaries in what we think is acceptable or not. It’s not ok to not state them at a start of a relationship. That’s lying to people and/or taking them for a ride.
This would be the same with having children/not having children, expecting to get married/will never be married, happy with some light flirting/flirting with others is unacceptable, vegan/omnivorous etc….

And clearly he never stated his position…..

So of course she is allowed to say that she won’t loose weight just to please him. But he is the one is has fucked up, not her. An there are children in the middle who will suffer from the fact he was never upfront about his boundaries.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:42

I dont really understand why women on this thread put so much emphasis on the man's opinion

And have zero empathy for the woman

He could be an absolute arsehole in so many other ways but some how gets a free pass because she's fat?

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:49

He fucked up because he doesn't find fat attractive??? Ok then, he should just shut up and put up and try avoid sex for the rest of his life.

You keep bringing the "poor fat woman" into it. This is nothing got to do with gender.

Many ladies have said they would not fancy their husband if he got fat, me included.

Stop making it a gender issue because it is not.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:52

@Adamantspants

It is a gendered issue

The idea that a womans only function is to be attractive for her oh and to keep him happy is totally gendered

You keep reverting back to oh ok he should just shut up and shag the fattie even though no one is saying that

5128gap · 14/06/2022 10:55

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:42

I dont really understand why women on this thread put so much emphasis on the man's opinion

And have zero empathy for the woman

He could be an absolute arsehole in so many other ways but some how gets a free pass because she's fat?

I have plenty empathy for the woman. But realistically where is that going to get her? Every poster on the thread could think she shouldn't have to lose weight for her husband, but we can't force him to find her attractive by insisting he should, however angry and strident we get about it. Just the same as insisting men should find overweight women attractive won't change a single male perspective on what attractive looks like to them.
The man's opinion matters on this thread because it matters in the marriage. Its not going to change, and OP has the same 3 options she always did. Lose weight, lose her sex life or lose her marriage.

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:57

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:52

@Adamantspants

It is a gendered issue

The idea that a womans only function is to be attractive for her oh and to keep him happy is totally gendered

You keep reverting back to oh ok he should just shut up and shag the fattie even though no one is saying that

It absolutely isn't. It is on both sides. YOU are coming up with that conclusion because OP is a woman while many many women here have said the same thing about their husbands.

You are absolutely dead right that he should leave, she doesn't want to lose weight nor should she have to, he doesn't want to have sex with someone he doesn't find attractive nor should he have to.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:58

His opinion only matters as much as hers

It doesn't have more power or value

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:58

Absolutely @5128gap Perfectly said.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:59

I wouldnt say a couple of people with issues around weight and looks is many tbh.

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:59

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:58

His opinion only matters as much as hers

It doesn't have more power or value

That's what everyone has been trying to say.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 11:02

No.

Youve been saying his holds more because he can't help it (I don't even agree that's true) and becayse you think she really should lose weight.

Your bias is clear

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 11:04

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:59

I wouldnt say a couple of people with issues around weight and looks is many tbh.

You seem SO hung up about people being turned off by weight. You are like a dog with a bone. You find the whole idea that some people do not find fat beautiful abhorrent and that anyone who feels that way is wrong and shallow and nasty. Are you projecting perhaps? You are overweight and the thoughts that someone finds it not attractive is making you try to defend your own decision to be fat.
Some people don't like fat......it is a fact of life. Accept it

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 11:05

Topgub · 14/06/2022 11:02

No.

Youve been saying his holds more because he can't help it (I don't even agree that's true) and becayse you think she really should lose weight.

Your bias is clear

I never ever said she should lose weight, I said she could if she so chose to, not that she SHOULD chose to. He, on the other hand cannot choose to fancy fat. End of.

Blossomtoes · 14/06/2022 11:07

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:21

Demanding someone changes in order to please you sexually isn't about love or saving a marriage

Ok a question, what do you propose he does? Stay and not have sex with her because he can't maintain an erection and does not find her attractive or stay with her and try to have sex with her even though he doesn't want to.

I suggest he fucks off and sets her free to find someone who doesn’t base her value on her weight or looks. And see how successful he is in finding someone else to have sex with - judging by this thread, he’ll probably find someone desperate enough.

VWBZ · 14/06/2022 11:08

So if a woman posted that her DH had put weight on and she didn't fancy having sex with him she would probably be told to tell him (nicely) and encourage him to lose weight and get healthier (as in to prevent diabetes etc). Do not have sex with him if she doesn't fancy him as you should only have sex if she wants to. LTB if he's not prepared to help himself so he is there for the child.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 11:11

@Adamantspants

And you seem utterly outraged that people think being fat phobic is nasty and shallow.

Which it is

Get over it.

I haven't mentioned my own weight and have no need to justify or defend anything

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 11:17

VWBZ · 14/06/2022 11:08

So if a woman posted that her DH had put weight on and she didn't fancy having sex with him she would probably be told to tell him (nicely) and encourage him to lose weight and get healthier (as in to prevent diabetes etc). Do not have sex with him if she doesn't fancy him as you should only have sex if she wants to. LTB if he's not prepared to help himself so he is there for the child.

Got it in one.

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 11:18

Topgub · 14/06/2022 11:11

@Adamantspants

And you seem utterly outraged that people think being fat phobic is nasty and shallow.

Which it is

Get over it.

I haven't mentioned my own weight and have no need to justify or defend anything

There is a difference in being fat phobic which is a hatred of fat people and not wanting to have sex with someone who is fat. Learn the difference.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 11:20

Fat phobic is being unpleasant about fat people.

You fit the definition.

5128gap · 14/06/2022 11:20

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:58

His opinion only matters as much as hers

It doesn't have more power or value

Only the OP can say that. In a relationship dispute one party almost always has more power than the other, and that's the person who feels they have less to lose. The person who most wants the marriage to continue typically subjugates their opinion to the other. We don't know enough to tell which is which in this scenario.