DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

Problem is lovely that it seems once men get a taste for what can be paid for they nearly always go back to it at some point— imagine if you had another baby and similar problems— you would be spending a good while probably turning yourself into 007 to checkcwhat he is up to if he goes moody or seems out a long time etc, etc —

Mind boggling. And more skeletons are slipping out of the Narnia sized cupboard. Oral sex now, and watching loads of porn, what else next? A ‘lack of excitement’……a lack of excitement?? That was enough to send him of to massage parlours and cam girls was it? Sorry op, you’d have to have no heart, nerves of steel and hopefully a fanjo like a bear trap to put up with a lying, two faced cheat like this. Ttc baby 3 while living this double life?? Fottfs and then keep on going is what I’d tell him. Hope you can get an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow and rid yourself of this horrible specimen. I’m livid on your behalf 🤬

I'm surprised he's volunteered the (even worse) hand job info

@Allsortsofroses Men often say this when they're caught out, to minimize what happened. 'It was just a handjob' or 'it was just a BJ' etc. Maybe they think if it seems like they're volunteering the information, their partners will think that must be all there is.

He claims he's only ever received hand jobs and oral sex (with a condom).

Ah ok, so he's changed his story again now to include oral.

He asked us to try sex therapy to see if it helps save our marriage.

Aargh! He can fuck off and then fuck off some more. I swer this is one of the most obnoxious things I've ever heard, saying this to you at this time.

He is devastated we are no longer trying for a third child and says he hopes I am already pregnant

So that it'd be even harder for you to break free of him.

Stay strong OP.

Sex Therapy?? Seriously, this just shows how totally selfish and unfeeling he is. There’s no way I would want to have sex with this pathetic creature ever again.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, OP. 💐

Lots of people find excitement wanes in ltrs. Lots of people find their sex life takes a back seat/is sketchy during baby and early childhood years.

100% of them (what percentage do one can only guess) are not buying private intimate/sexusl pics of sex workers, having xan sex with sex workers, and having hand jobs and (now) blow jobs in essentially brothels.

He's an unreasonable, low integrity, cheating, sex worker using, fucked up, degenerate, disloyal, deeply selfish, deceptive, two faced/compartmentalising, disrespectful pos.

He's not relationship material and not family man material.

He's just another wankng, brothel crawling, Internet sex punter; ruled by his dick. No decency or loyalty towards the the person person chose as his life partner. And by extension none to his family.

His views of sex are clearly highly entitled, detached, clinical, exploitative etc. ("This appliance is not functioning, pay for another one"). Not someone you want to be in a relationship with.

There are women on here who've dumped guys like this, they always get new partners, and the relationships last as long as the new partner takes to catch them at it again.

The sex workers who've commented on hete say a punter is a punter for life, its always their last time (even in apparently happy relationships).

Sometimes the poor fuckers believe their lies and blame and stay.

As an aside "coveted blow jobs" seem quote unusual in the sex industry. The std transmission rate is seen as low, punters don't want them, prostitutes are often willing to do "owo" (oral without) for a bot more cash, so I'd doubt that too. But that's by the by.

Men often say this when they're caught out

He wasnt caught out about the massage parlours; he volunteered the info apparently. Maybe that's a way op could have found out if she investigated.

*there's a way

His first suggestion for therapy was sex therapy.... so even now, with you reeling and distraught, his first thought was about how you can make the sex better.

As you and pp have said, sex life can take a big hit when you have children. That's normal. His response to it is far from normal. The problem here isn't the change in your sex life, but the fact he saw that as a licence / opportunity to seek fun with other women. Any decent man would have accepted that sex changes after babies, and maybe have a conversation about it at an appopriate time.

And in any case, you've already said that your sex life has been good. You were happy. You were trying for another baby.

While ever he is talking about sex therapy and your sex life he hasn't realised what the real problem is. The real problem is him lying, cheating, having no respect for you. How would a sex therapist cure that?

That was supposed to be "coveted blow jobs"

@Allsortsofroses

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life. I was surprised by this as we have always made an effort to not let that part of our relationship slide since DC

He's bullshitting.

He previously agreed with you it's fine.

He's realising you a not letting this go, this is a big issue, and he's actually in danger of being broken up with ... and so he's changing his story and saying hes not happy with your sex life (wity a nice little implication that you're somehow to blame within that).

Even if this was true, which seems unlikely, all he has to do was talk to his wife and try to improve it, not cheat.

He's having you on.

He did what he fancied, never thought he'd get caught.... is now having to latch onto any excuse because he realises hevcpuld actually end up separated and later divorced as a result of it (and everyone will probably find out why).

This is bang on. He's trying to blame it one you .. if he wasn't happy with your see life he means he wasn't happy with YOUR performance because he's not going to say it was him that he's not happy with is it? He's not going to say his see performance is bad so he's talking about you.

There's noting wrong with what he did insofar as the cam girls are concerned. He supported them financially, rather than exploit them.

But it is massively wrong relationship-wise. TBH I'd consider it a degree of cheating. It's much more than simply watching pre-recorded porn with no personal connection.

He is devastated we are no longer trying for a third child and says he hopes I am already pregnant

As goody says; he wishes that because he thinks it would trap you.

He thinks it would bond you again, and nsle you feel you couldn't separate.

(Let's do a recap on how much bonding ge did after the last children: ah yeah he found it so bonding that he made his way to massage parlours for hand jobs and blow jobs off prostitutes, cause the cam sex wasnt enough).

He's a punter, a punter who likes his respectable life & wife. He clearly thinks he's entitled to both.

Oh sorry, I replied too soon, after reading only the first page. I didn't realise there's much more going on.

He thinks the problem is sex. If you just slept with him everything would be fine. That's what he believes. It's not true though. Not for you.

He will want sex now to prove you e forgiven him when you would most likely need to forgive him before you slept together. His approach is all wrong.

He supported them financially, rather than exploit them.

Prostitutes do cam work as well.

Have a look at UK punting reviews and tell me how many of the speak barely any English, Eastern European & Asian, "surly", prostitutes managed by "Serghei" (as punters ironically call the pimps, pimps who are gang members incidentally), who are reported as often trying to get out of doing the sex acts their bookers have agreed for them, performing sex acts on mattresses in kitchens in flats (because the bedrooms are in use) women are doing doing entirely of their own free will, happy, uncoerced, and undeprived. This isn't belle du jour, this is the McDonald's end of things, the majority of sex work.

The oral with condom is a lie.
Hes minimising everything

He's full of shit. I'd dump him in a second.

That is just my personal experience and also what I"be seen on the boards a fair few times All sorts. They will say it was just a BJ (eventually) in this sort of circumstances such as being caught out sending messages etc. They will admit to a bit more but lie about the full on sex. The wives often believe them about it, when they're not admitting it all. Or maybe he wants OP to dump him

Seen your updates. He is vile. Do not let him or anyone in real life minimise it. He’s cheated full stop.
I’d seriously think about telling him to go now. I couldn’t stomach happy families. It’s him ruining Christmas not you.

Ducks in row. Make sure you have financial docs and passports, birth certificates. Get some specialist legal advice.

God you poor thing. Have a hug.
And, dump him now. Please don't fake Christmas, why put yourself through that? YOU deserve better.

Luckily my parents own our home so I wouldn't have to move and he wouldn't be entitled to it in a divorce situation. I am lucky that because of this I could survive solely on my wage.

I have told him that sex therapy will definitely not be happening and I am only agreeing to couples therapy to help us co-parent DCs.

I have said however that he will be attending sex therapy alone to work on himself as I don't think he is a good example to his children.

I said we can make Christmas magical on the premise that he stops pestering me re saving our marriage and that he looks for a place in the new year.
If he continues to push me, he can stay with his Mum and take responsibility for fucking up DCs Christmas.

I have told him that if he is serious about being here for Xmas then the study is out of bounds and there is to be no porn under my roof. What he does outside of the home is out of my control.

Hes been in tears begging for my forgiveness but I'm struggling to even look at him right now let alone talk forgiveness.

I dont know what else to do at this stage. I have moved all of his clothes into the spare room and am doing my best to not cave and stay strong. Its so so difficult when its such a raw situation. I will have let myself down if I stay and know I would be setting myself up for a lifetime of this misery.

Absolutely correct OP. You are clearly intelligent and wise even when the chips are very down — he is a total idiot. I used to think the old thing about men thinking with their dicks was unfair— as I’ve got older I’ve realised so many sadly do and not always the ones you think either. Your future self will thank you for having standards, even if it doesn’t feel like that at the moment

Well done OP.
It's very hard, I know, but you are absolutely in the right.
His tears are all about him being caught out. And loosing his respectable identity. When in fact he is a vile, lying, wife and abused women abusing, porn addict.

Sounds like he's working up to the porn addiction "excuse".

Sex addiction might be dropped in.

Depression may be deployed.

Suicide threats are likely to.come soon, or when you actually try to get him out.