Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH using cam girls

308 replies

Teaaddict39 · 03/12/2021 15:54

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaaddict39 · 07/12/2021 11:06

@layladomino at the moment I see separation as the only option. Its too much of a betrayal. I felt odd just knowing about the cam session I stumbled across. I never could have imagined what else would come out. My world is in tatters.

I think he is capable of doing this again because my birth injuries didn't stop him from doing this so why would me finding out stop him?

If I was to take him back, I believe it would essentially be me turning a blind eye to his use of escorts, as I don't think he's likely to stop is he? As much as I love him, that isn't what I signed up to when I married him. I also would not want to be seen as a doormat and feel I owe it to other women to not stand for this behaviour.

He has asked if we can go to sex therapy and I have declined. I pointed out that the time to do that was after DD's birth when things got tough, not now he's been caught paying for sexual services.

I have agreed to couples' therapy though. Not so we get back together, but so we are able to effectively co-parent our DCs and not let our issues get in the way of giving them a great childhood. I need to be able to forgive him to do my best by them and make peace with the situation.

I am heartbroken as this is still so raw and unexpected. We were trying for a bloody baby. I also feel sick with worry about my STI test as we have obviously been having a lot of unprotected sex. I don't know how I am functioning to be quite honest. Its still a shock, I'm babbling away on an online forum about my failing marriage and feel like the biggest idiot. I am a mess and can only apologise for boring you lovely lovely people with all my problems.

Xx

OP posts:
mony29 · 07/12/2021 11:19

Oh dear OP , don't apologise and be kind to yourself. This is not your fault. It's all on your DH he's the stupid one here! Extremely stupid!

me4real · 07/12/2021 12:01

Speaking for myself, I'm not bored at all, I feel shock on your behalf.

I have agreed to couples' therapy though. Not so we get back together, but so we are able to effectively co-parent our DCs and not let our issues get in the way of giving them a great childhood. I need to be able to forgive him to do my best by them and make peace with the situation.

You don't have to forgive him @Teaaddict39 , I'm sure you would never let your feelings about what he did get in the way of your role as mum. You don't seem the type.

Don't feel that you have to feel a certain way towards him. What he did was awful and to feel negatively about him and what he did is completely normal and healthy. Those feelings will protect you from falling for his B.S.

Sex therapy 'lol'- the cheeky fucker. So he's trying to manipulate you into carrying on giving him the sex he wants, and turning it around on you even more. Honestly, he sounds disgusting and obsessed with sex.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 12:15

I can't believe he's asked you to go to sex therapy. You don't need bloody therapy. You needed a husband who was happy to have a wank while you were recovering from traumatic injuries from having his children!

surely if he has any intention of trying to win you back he'd be going to sex therapy alone. He's the one with the lashes

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 12:15

issues not lashes!

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 12:44

I consider it to be cheating and the relationship would be over.

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 13:04

Sorry the rest of the thread just loaded. Op I am sorry. Self care all the way now.

tarasmalatarocks · 07/12/2021 13:26

The only person who needs therapy is him!! Please don’t apologise OP , some of us bang on for years on here rather than a therapist- me included!

Namenic · 07/12/2021 13:27

OP - this is not your fault. You sound like a great mum and v pragmatic/sensible. Wishing you all the best.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/12/2021 13:43

Off course you are in shock. Don’t apologise. Post as much as you need to.
Hopefully you can get some real life support too.

Double3xposure · 07/12/2021 13:45

@girlmom21

I can't believe he's asked you to go to sex therapy. You don't need bloody therapy. You needed a husband who was happy to have a wank while you were recovering from traumatic injuries from having his children!

surely if he has any intention of trying to win you back he'd be going to sex therapy alone. He's the one with the lashes

This. He’s got a damn cheek even suggesting it. He’s still trying to pretend it’s about sex. It’s not . It’s about his ENORMOUS sense of entitlement and ( undoubtably ) his use of porn which has led him to believe that sex is all about him controlling women , having power over them and them performing for him.

Because that’s what the cam girl stuff is all about. If it was about being sexually frustrates he would be having a wank like everyone else .

I have to say I don’t believe this started after your child was born. I think he’s using this as a tactic to pin some blame on you. Classic cheater script.

A counsellor won’t fix his sense of entitlement and his view that women are objects to be used and abused.

I’m so sorry OP, I can’t imagine what you are going through right now. I hope you get your text results back soon.

romany4 · 07/12/2021 14:03

He's paying for private shows.
Thars cheating.

romany4 · 07/12/2021 14:07

Oops just rtft.
Sorry this has happened to you.
He's horrible

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 14:46

If you read the gems posted on the UK punting forum the general consensus is 'once a punter, always a punter'.

You didn't deserve to be treated like this, OP. Flowers

BlueBellsArePretty · 07/12/2021 14:57

@Teaaddict39

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. 💐 What has his reaction been knowing that his behaviour has both meant that you have to go for STD tests and that there won't be the possibility of a 3rd child now? I mean how on earth does he square his behaviour with the thought of you birthing another baby. Utter selfish wanker 🤬

Buildingthefuture · 07/12/2021 15:21

I’m so sorry op, i am sat here raging for you Angry after reading your updates.
Trying to scrape up a positive….at least he told you? He could have insisted the cams was all there was and you’d have been none the wiser.
That aside however, I am so sorry he has behaved like such a massive shit. Absolutely no to sex therapy, but maybe in time, yes to couples therapy, not to reconcile but purely to help you co-parent (and not kill him!). And you are NOT an idiot in anyway! He is A FOOL to risk his wife and family for a seedy thrill from some poor woman who just thinks he’s a sad bastard!!! Don’t take responsibility for this op, the blame & shame lies with HIM.

MrMrsJones · 07/12/2021 16:08

What a stupid, stupid man

He has given up his loving wife and child for a couple of pictures, webcam girls and happy endings...

Well he wont have a happy ending now will he!!

Rather than speak to you he decided the above was the best way to deal with the situation.

I just couldn't come back from the pictures, let alone the web cam girls and definitely not after his happy endings, im sure there is full sex in there also, but he is keeping that on the QT in the hope you will take him back.

Allsortsofroses · 07/12/2021 16:28

*I have to say I don’t believe this started after your child was born. I think he’s using this as a tactic to pin some blame on you. Classic cheaters script.

I'd suspect this too.

It takes a particular mentality to cross the line into cam sex, but even more so to go into, essentially, sex industry establishments, and pay for handjobs behind your wife's back.

There are are lot of lines you're trampling over there.

There's a values system and mentality behind it. Did you never see any, even slight, sign of it before op (not saying you had to have, just - you have to wonder).

Even if the excuse was true; as you say op, what's the St him from doing it again. Ge could provide not to, but youve already deen what his honesty and integrity is like. What about another (even unplanned) pregnancy or illness, or depression, or menopause or any number of things.

People who are reasonable, have integrity, are unselfish etc deal with little or no sex (or a different/limited type of sex) while their partner's, male and female go through all sorts of things. His excuse, even if it's true is unreasonable (mild word). His behaviour shows no integrity.

Allsortsofroses · 07/12/2021 16:37

But I agree with the posters who think he's grasping at straws, grasping at the only thing he can think of (the lack of/very limited sex life following your birth injuries) to use as an excuse for his infidelity and use of sex workers.

In his entitlement, arrogance and selfishness (and misogyny?), he thinks you'll think "oh gosh, it's true, I wasnt fulfiling my sexual role back then, he wasbt getting sex, the poor dear, no wonder he went to other women; I'm lucky it was just cam girls and "masseurs", he could have had an affair or left me but he didn't. It wasn't emotional, he was just scratching an itch, he never emotionally cheated on me, men need sex and he wasnt getting any etc."
Presumably he thought you'd feel guilty, inadequate, and perhaps grateful he didn't actually have an affair or similar.

He's still hammering away at it trying to pass ot off as a sex problem, not an unreasonable behavior, integrity and fidelity problem with him.

Allsortsofroses · 07/12/2021 16:48

He has given up his loving wife and child for a couple of pictures, webcam girls and happy endings...

He thought he'd not get caught.

I'm surprised he's volunteered the (even worse) hand job info. - you have to wonder if he thought op would somehow find out. Or maybe he's just suffering from cheater panic/verbal diarrhea etc.

What I keep meaning to say is that I also find the things he's confessed to/Bern caught doing a bit strange given the resdin he's given for doing them. SO he couldn't have sex with his wife for a while ... but what's he done isn't actually sex (ual) intercourse; hes paid for private pics while he could get pics of anything imaginable for free, hes paid for presumably mutual masturbation via cam, which is not sexual intercoms, abd even when he went to a massage parlour/brothel, he says he didn't pay for sexual intercourse; only hand jobs, which op could (if she'd been willing) have given him no matter what birth injuries she suffered. Abd hand jobs aren't a huge world away from masturbation. So wtf Confused.

It seems more like being about having sexual interaction with multiple women and seeing their bodies etc than actual penetrative sex (if he's telling the truth) so his excuse doesn't even add up.

(Alongside the happily, wordlessly ttc a third child, in spite of their two previous children apparently making him feel differently about op, sexually and the lack of piv sex due to possible birth unjuries).

Original poster
Teaaddict39 · 07/12/2021 16:51

We're both on annual leave this week - we were supposed to be Christmas shopping and having quality time together (pfft!) But the only benefit of this is we have had plenty of time to talk and numerous conversations. Not for his benefit I might add, but I feel that I have questions that need answering and also things I need to get off my chest.

Talks have obviously been more involved and in depth than this but I have written a shorter summary below purely of what he has said (not my responses or we'll be here all night):-

  1. He is desperate to save our marriage and can't bear the thought of losing me. He says he knows he made countless mistakes and is desperate to put things right.
  1. DDs traumatic birth and the lack of sex and intimacy is what drove him to cam girls and massage parlours.
  1. Our sex life isn't the same as pre-kids and he has been dissatisfied sexually for a while. The most I have got out of him is that the excitement has waned.
  1. He denies having sex with escorts and says I am overreacting about the risk of STIs. He claims he's only ever received hand jobs and oral sex (with a condom).
  1. He has admitted that most of the time he has been "working in the study" he has in fact been looking at porn. He said the camming is not a regular occurrence but he fully admits his pornography consumption has increased.
  1. He asked us to try sex therapy to see if it helps save our marriage.
  1. He is devastated we are no longer trying for a third child and says he hopes I am already pregnant

I have of course responded to these points and called him out on most of it. I am gutted. I feel numb atm.

OP posts:
Allsortsofroses · 07/12/2021 17:13

The most I have got out of him is that the excitement has waned.

That's normal, with or without kids.

Why dies he think he's entitled to excitement in a monogamous ltr, especially with kids. Unrealistic, unreasonable and immature.

Allsortsofroses · 07/12/2021 17:13

and oral sex (with a condom).

Another expansion on hand jobs then.

Allsortsofroses · 07/12/2021 17:18

He asked us to try sex therapy to see if it helps save our marriage.

But the time for sex therapy was before he cheated.

Even now sex therapist can't take a relationship back to the novelty, excitement etc of a newish, pre kids relationship.

Even if theyncould, it's not possible to sustain it.

His expectations of ltrs are unreasonable. He'd encounter this with any partner.

Besides the dissatisfaction with sex life and lack of excitement have been totally eclipsed by his infidelity, betrayal and use of sex workers. Why doesbt he go and have individual counselling, whether you stay together or not, to investigate why he gave himself permission to do all those things, repeatedly, to why he acted with zero integrity, why he risked his marriage and family if found out.

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 17:20

If you allow him to talk you into staying - with whatever shitty lie he will no doubt tell - you have a life time of this to come, STI checks, arguments, insecurity, dishonesty and double crossing and perhaps the pregnancies of other women. A life time of lies and infidelity. It will never get easier to bear, and you will never trust him again as long as you live. It is ultimately a life sentence of misery.

He will tell you everything you want to hear - now. Just to keep his lovely life together.

Once the storm has passed and he needs some 'excitement' again he will head straight back having got a taste for it now.

Cut your losses whilst your dignity and self respect is still intact, he is blaming you for this and of all the things to blame this is really NOT your fault.

He is a serial lier and a cheat, and he will never get better. You will find someone in time that will love you and cherish you, and you will realise what a disgusting cretin of man you were married to once. You will look back with new eyes and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

Stop talking. Kick him out, call in the lawyers.