DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

I had one, he was even a therapist (not mine) and he thought I should have therapy to like something in bed that he liked. I asked a sex therapist on the phone after I dumped him (just out of interest as to what their opinion would be, I wasn't intending to have therapy for it) and they said my not enjoying a particular thing was not a cause for therapy so would be a waste of money.

I've seen at least one poster on here before describe their abusive, manipulative gas lighting ex who was actually a therapist/counsellor .... pretty disturbing.

I imagine op's h is hoping any counselling at all will be an opportunity to manipulate op towards reconciliation.

He just needs the right script.

Poor sex and affection starved man who got caught up in porn addiction and escalated from that appears to be the main just of the script.

(Jist)

@Signalstation

So I read a post on the punting website from a man who said that when his wife had to go away somewhere for a while he actually got bored of 'punting' and recognised that it is the presence of his wife which is actually making it exciting for him (i.e. not the actual sex with the 'working girl' itself, although he says that is enjoyable).

I find that fascinating. It means there is nothing the wife can do in that situation other than to leave him.

There was a poster on here whose partner was paying for cam sex etc and she found out that part of the script he encouraged the sex worker to follow was actually based on deceiving his partner, he got off the the idea of doing this illicitly near his partner and deceiving her.

I've heard not dissimilar things from people having affairs eg ppl who get off on talking "normally" on the phone to their partner while having sex acts acts performed in them by affair partner etc.

I somehow managed to get some Christmas shopping done today (god knows how) and it felt amazing to be out of the house in fresh air.

I feel really really sad today. I feel like I'm grieving. I got home and H had cooked me my favourite dinner, tidied the house from head to toe and ran me a hot bubble bath. It made me cry because usually that kind of behaviour really means a lot to me but this time it just felt empty and meaningless. I have had a good cry this evening and am led in bed now wondering how the hell I got here.

I'm hurting and desperately need a hug and it's breaking my heart that the one person who would do that for me and make it all better is the one who's caused me so much indescribable pain.

I love him so much and still want to be with him (still raw) however I know logically I can't be and the marriage is tainted, ruined, changed and that I need to power on with separating come new year.

I briefly spoke to a friend on the phone and she too was of the mindset of giving things another go. Wtf is it with my friends and being on his side? Both friends I have confided in have made me feel like I'm being ridiculous and should be working on the marriage. I can't understand the lack of empathy and why they are so on his side

We are supposed to be taking DC to Winter Wonderland tomorrow and I know I am going to need all of my strength to get through the day.

Xx

Your friends sound really strange.

I think when they try to convince you to stay with him, you need to be really blunt.

"So if Dave paid multiple women to wank him off and give him blow jobs, you genuinely think that your mental health would be worth risking to stay with him knowing he had done that? My mental health means too much to me to risk that. And my sexual health has been compromised to."

Your friends sound really strange.

This, its bizarre.

Using prostitutes is beyond the pale.

I don't know if they just have incredibly low standards or simply cannot empathise because its not them.

I've seen at least one poster on here before describe their abusive, manipulative gas lighting ex who was actually a therapist/counsellor .... pretty disturbing.

@Allsortsofroses Could've been me lol, I lost my other account somehow. But there are a lot of disgusting men in this world.

ecognised that it is the presence of his wife which is actually making it exciting for him (i.e. not the actual sex with the 'working girl' itself, although he says that is enjoyable). I find that fascinating. It means there is nothing the wife can do in that situation other than to leave him.

@Signalstation Yes, some men really get off on 'naughtiness,' well, heinousness.

@Teaaddict39 It can be like a bereavement.

As @youvegottenminuteslynn said- Your friends are deluded or pathetic if they say they would put up with a husband who'd let prostitutes wank and suck him off (and maybe more.) As well as your mental or sexual health, it's your dignity and assertion of what you're worth. (though that's the same difference as health/well being in a way.)

Just because your friends standards for a partner are in the gutter doesn't mean yours need to be OP. I think they would drastically change their tune if they were on the receiving end!

The dinner and bubble bath would have made me angry as he's trying to manipulate your feelings.

It’s hard to know what’s going on in your friends heads. Maybe they have been brought up with / still hold very negative / old fashioned views about men .

Maybe they think that men can’t control their sexual urges and must be allowed to abuse women and children whenever they want.

Maybe they believe that a cheating man is better than no man. Maybe their husbands cheat on them and they stay because they think it’s their fault / they are ashamed / they think all men cheat .

Some women despise prostituted women and think they lure in helpless innocent men who can’t help it . Or that his mates made him do it.

Perhaps they knew about your husband and now feel complicit. Maybe your husband has recruited them into his campaign.

Who knows? But one thing I’m certain of it’s that their views say NOTHING about you / your marriage / what you should do and EVERYTHING about them and their marriages.

You need better friends OP. My friends would skin my partner alive if they found out he was doing what yours was.

And agree with PP, put it back on them and say ‘so you’d be happy to take back your DH after he’d been receiving hand jobs, blow jobs and who knows what else from prostitutes, not to mention wanking off to cam girls with you in the house?’
You have a tough road ahead and need a strong support system and anyone who recommends staying with that twat isn’t a friend.

Don’t doubt yourself OP or let people minimise it. I honestly can’t believe your so called friends. He’s been cheating on you, using prostitutes, leaving you with two kids whilst he’s doing this. Potentially putting health of you and baby you were trying to conceive at risk. If you don’t feel like playing happy families don’t - go alone or with someone else or let him go with the children.

You’ve had the most horrendous shock, I’d almost go so far as to say this is worse than a bereavement. You are entirely entitled to feel absolutely mind blown, and to be floundering amongst a sea of conflicting emotions. Nobody would expect you to recover from a bereavement in a a few weeks so don’t feel you have to do anything you don’t want to do. Put yourself and the dc first, try not to even think about HIS feelings - they don’t count atm. Speak to a solicitor so you know where you stand, this knowledge will give you a feeling of reclaiming some firm ground under your feet, even if you feel it’s too soon to press the divorce button just yet. Have you family or proper friends who can help? Friends who imply or say you should ‘work’ on a marriage in a situation like yours are to be despised - definitely ask them if they’d accept it! If you can be bothered….No doubt your h will be trying to be as nice as pie as he continues his campaign to try and reel you back into your role as compliant and accepting wife, while he will continue to play his assorted cards according to the cheater’s script, and subtly trying to blame his ghastly behaviour on you. You have indeed suffered huge losses - the husband you thought he was, the marriage you thought you had, your future married life. You’ve had the worst betrayal so this will take a long time to get over. The pos who did this to you and to your dc, who ruined everything for a few cheap thrills? Like everyone else here, I sincerely hope you throw him back in his cesspit. 💐

Just read you updates about the sex workers and this going on for 3 years. You are far more patient than me. Your DC are very young and will adapt the changes quickly - longer you leave it the harder it will be.

How dare he use your condition post birth to justify his actions. I would be so very angry about this. You have excellent grounds for a quick divorce and you should be able to stay where you are. He needs to leave.

Counselling is most probably just going to delay you moving on from this. Given time the gravity of his betrayal will sink in and you will be questioning every element of your marriage. It's not fair for him to ask really. He is very very selfish. Most men cope with a wank and porn. This is so much more than that.

I would be doing a friend cull also if it was me. You need friends that lift you up and support you. How is advising you to put up with this helpful.

He's not going to change. He didn't intend to change - he got caught.

You sound like an lovely woman. Please put yourself first. Your kids will be happy when you are

OP, You are doing amazing. What a pig of a man, I am so angry on your behalf.

And get some new friends. WTF is up with them?

You say you still love him, thats because this is all so raw. But you love who you thought he was. Not this version of him, try and remember that.
Thats why you feel like you are grieving. You are grieving for the man he was that you know he can never be again.

And please don't listen to any of his bollocks blaming your sex life for this. He;s doing that to try and make you feel like you played a part in it somehow. You didn't, its all on him.

Stay strong.

You’ve had the most horrendous shock, I’d almost go so far as to say this is worse than a bereavement.

@goody2shooz @Bookworm20 I suppose that's true- it's not even solely that he isn't who OP thought he was, but that he never was.

So it's not only saddening @Teaaddict39 , I imagine it's also very shocking/disorientating.

How you doing op???

Hi everyone, I've had some Christmas events on with the kids these last few days so have tried to not think about it and enjoy my time with them. We have had a lovely time

My STI test is Wednesday so I am hoping all will be okay.

X

GLad to hear you are bearing up.

I hope everythng goes ok on wednesday for you OP. Glad you have had some good days with the DC.

@Teaddict39 glad you're feeling ok.

With regard to the unexpected reactions from your friends, might I just make the point that it is hard sometimes for people to empathise when it is something they have never experienced. This is not to make excuses for your friends. This is just to point out something I have come to realise about situations like these.

This isn't like you are telling your friends your dog died - most people will have direct experience, or experience of another person whose pet had died.

Very few people will have direct experience of their other halves paying for sex. Some people will immediately be able to put themselves in your shoes. Many more won't be able to do that. They will treat it as 'oh, he's been unfaithful' (as in, say, a ONS or even an affair). Some people might not even know that much about the sex 'industry'. They might not want to know.
Furthermore, some of those who view it as 'simply' being unfaithful will be people who would give their other halves a second chance.
This is what you might be dealing with.
You are looking to confide in people who basically haven't got a clue.
By far your best sounding board is a forum like this, where others have experienced exactly what you are going through.
Please can I reiterate that paying for sex when you're in a committed relationship - where monogamy has been agreed upon - is beyond the pale and must not be normalised.
Stand your ground.

Thank you everyone! Xx

I don’t understand your friends thinking! It’s not what I would tell my friends…
Our sex life isn't the same as pre-kids and he has been dissatisfied sexually for a while. The most I have got out of him is that the excitement has waned.
Well boo fucking hoo, he’s clearly spent hours analysing this and trying to work out how to fix it. No wait, he’s clearly spent ZERO time analysing this since he’s not gotten any further than ‘it’s not as exciting as it used to be’ and once he had invested that intensive 20 seconds he jumped straight to I’ll pay other people to satisfy me sexually, thats the best solution here! What a pathetic excuse and congratulations to you for telling him what he can do with his let’s both of us go to sex therapy suggestion.

Just wanted to send a virtual hug OP. How horrendous. Stay strong

Also sending a virtual hug. I think you’ve been amazing.

I’m almost in the same boat, only I’m pretty sure my H hasn’t actually seen any real people in real life, just on web cams.

I definitely don’t feel the same way about him and if I try and discuss it any further we end up arguing. I’m stuck here, I can’t afford to split up and I don’t think he would leave. Don’t be like me, stuck in limbo for god knows how long. Pretending we’re friends when every time he tries to give me a kiss my skin crawls. Devastating to think that the love of my life who I’ve known since I was a teenager has made me feel this way.