DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

I suppose he might've gone on about some of the things in an attempt to get OP to give in to all the sex stuff he wants, 'or else' he'll be forced to do these things. That strategy might work with one or two women, but I imagine not OP.

We can't mind-read or fathom him at the end of the day, because he's not like other boys and girls.

He is the one who needs therapy.

Some of them say they are 'sex addicts' and will seek treatment, to try and get their wives to give them another chance.

Luckily my parents own our home so I wouldn't have to move and he wouldn't be entitled to it in a divorce situation. I am lucky that because of this I could survive solely on my wage.

That is brilliant op, you're inbs much better position than many women posting on here in similar circumstances.

@Allsortsofroses Snap. x

@Teaaddict39 It's the part called 'the persuader.'

Obviously that won't all apply but he might blame his mental health, his childhood etc.

I am so very lucky with regards to the house situation. My dad owns two properties and very kindly said me, H and DC could live here whilst we save for a mortgage of our own. Thankfully we havent quite got the full deposit yet, so I am thinking it would be as simple as splitting the deposit we have got 50/50 as neither of us have any other assets.

I would be reasonable about custody arrangements as DC come first.

I love him so much and am really hurting. H has taken DCs to get a McDonalds as we have both been a bit preoccupied over the last few days and I needed an hour to myself. I cannot believe all this has happened, it still feels surreal and I am still dazed

I am in awe of you OP, you are being so strong.

I would suspect that what he's told you is the mere tip of a very unpleasant iceberg. But you know enough anyway.

for you, keeping posting if it helps.

So it was 'just' cam girls

Then 'just' cam girls and hand jobs

And now 'just' cam girls and hand jobs and blow jobs

He's fucking vile OP.

Because what he has done doesn't just show he is disloyal and weak.

It shows a fundamental lack of respect for women. You and women in general. That's not a circumstantial thing. It's a character and values thing.

He was so unhappy with your sex life, he claims, that he paid other women to give him hand jobs and blow jobs. But was happy enough to actively try to get you pregnant throughout.

He's a prick. An actual arsehole.

Men like him are a type. They fundamentally do not respect women. Please don't accept that for yourself, for the rest of your life. Being single is better than being with a man like him.

@Teaaddict39

Luckily my parents own our home so I wouldn't have to move and he wouldn't be entitled to it in a divorce situation. I am lucky that because of this I could survive solely on my wage.

I have told him that sex therapy will definitely not be happening and I am only agreeing to couples therapy to help us co-parent DCs.

I have said however that he will be attending sex therapy alone to work on himself as I don't think he is a good example to his children.

I said we can make Christmas magical on the premise that he stops pestering me re saving our marriage and that he looks for a place in the new year.
If he continues to push me, he can stay with his Mum and take responsibility for fucking up DCs Christmas.

I have told him that if he is serious about being here for Xmas then the study is out of bounds and there is to be no porn under my roof. What he does outside of the home is out of my control.

Hes been in tears begging for my forgiveness but I'm struggling to even look at him right now let alone talk forgiveness.

I dont know what else to do at this stage. I have moved all of his clothes into the spare room and am doing my best to not cave and stay strong. Its so so difficult when its such a raw situation. I will have let myself down if I stay and know I would be setting myself up for a lifetime of this misery.

You sound so level headed and decent OP.

He's a fool.

I have a feeling you'll thrive without him

So he is blaming your traumatic birth for this (even though it undoubtedly affected you the most) but is desperate for you to go through that trauma again?
Sorry but he really is full of shit. Well done on staying strong op

Im sorry.

You lost me at him trying to blame YOUR TRAUMA on his sleaziness and infedelity.

As someone who has also experienced a traumatic birth this has me so triggered and angry for you.

How fucking low can one get?! He is a pig.

I don't believe for a minute he hasn't had sex with the prostitutes. Stick to the STD test as I doubt they wear marigolds anytime they touch someone.

I think he has a Madonna whore complex tbh.

So sorry op, you are doing so well. This must hurt like hell.

What jumps out is that he suggested sex therapy. The 'problem' for him isn't that he has been unfaithful and broken up his family, it's all about sex.

He is morally bankrupt.

No surprised you are dazed. Do take time for yourself and get real life support.
If it’s easier for you I’d tell him to go now.
Sorry to be cynical but is your house deposit money safe.
Glad you are in a good position financially and house wise. On top of everything he’s been wasting family money when you were saving for a house.
Do not doubt yourself. He’s put you and your family in this position. Best wishes. This time next year you will be thriving.

Still get legal advice. Pension split needs consideration. Also even if you don’t divorce immediately things like wills to ensure he doesn’t inherit, nominate your death in service payment at work to someone else etc.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Is there any way you both could see a way to do marraige counselling. Provided hes willing to grovel, organise and pay for it?

@Crystalvas

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Is there any way you both could see a way to do marraige counselling. Provided hes willing to grovel, organise and pay for it?

They're married! Paying for it will come out 9f family money!

And the only reason for counselling is to make sure the split works for the DC.
Not that unfaithful arse!

I’ve read some vile things on MN but this guy…

Every time you talk, more comes out. From just cam girls, to just hand jobs and now blow jobs. You can guess the trajectory is going. And he has the fucking gall to think your overreacting to think it’s warranted to get an STI check?

He’s a fucking cheat and a liar and don’t forget, you only know about all of this because he was caught, not because he came clean and told you himself. What an absolutely disgusting excuse for a human.

And then for him to be upset because you’re no longer TTC and hopes you’re pregnant?! Are you actually kidding me? That made me feel ill reading that.

Well done you for being so strong and clear with your intentions and expectations of him. My skin would be crawling just being around him. The sooner you’re rid of him the better.

@Crystalvas

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Is there any way you both could see a way to do marraige counselling. Provided hes willing to grovel, organise and pay for it?

Why? Why should she have to stay with someone who's willing to pay to cheat just because he's grovelling?

You are being very brave and strong OP.

Please do get legal advice before you agree to any split of assets . I’d imagine that you will have the main responsibility for the children AND you have already taken two maternity leaves so both of these have and will reduce your earning potential.

I can’t remember if you work part time and no doubt you have a smaller pension than your husband.

These things together mean you might well have a case for more than a 50:50 split .

I can’t believe your husband is doubling down on his lies and nonsense with his “ you made me do it “ and “ it wasn’t really sex, you are over reacting “.

Plus the “ While you were handling the kids alone I was wanking to porn in the Study “. Nice.

I’m pretty sure that if you were giving and receiving oral sex / with one of your male friends he would think it was cheating . Yet when he’s doing it, sex is suddenly only PIV. It’s nonsense.

Has he asked you how you coped with the lack of sex and intimacy for the year after you were injured ? And if not, why do you think that is ?

I assume that for that full year you were at home on maternity leave, working far more hours than him at home caring for a new born and a ? Toddler. Isolated from all your usual social life and work colleague and living with a man like him. What did you do for love and affection ?

If living without PIV sex for a year is so terrible it drove him to abuse prostituted women, how did you cope with all that loss of affection and intimacy ? Who did you abuse ?

Wow, I am amazed at how strong you are, OP. I'm so happy you're not going to stick around for round 2 of this shit show.

I am disgusted by this man. I agree that he has a madonna/whore complex. I'm sure he thought he would never be found out, and if he was, he would be able to talk you into not leaving.

I think once a man gets into using prostitutes, he doesn't just stop.. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been using them for a long time, it may be before he met you, and if he's had full sex with them as well.

He has put your sexual health at risk.

Honest when caught out or not, he's a cheating sleaze who thought it okay to have a 1-1 sexual encounter behind your back & it was okay because he paid for it.

I'm also very laid back, but no way in hell would I accept this. He has massively disrespected you & your relationship. He's also outed himself as a sleaze & cheat

Your boundaries are yours, not his to decide & no way in hell would any man expect you to be okay with this, so he knows he crossed a line, whether he admits that or not... plus spending family money on getting his rocks off 🤢

Glad to see how strong you are, & that there's an update. You deserve way better than this. Go get it

@Closetbeanmuncher

I don't believe for a minute he hasn't had sex with the prostitutes. Stick to the STD test as I doubt they wear marigolds anytime they touch someone.

I think he has a Madonna whore complex tbh.

Just for the sake of reassuring op; from extensively reading on UK punting (I'm a bit compulsive when I decide to fknd out anoit something) it seems relatively usual for sex workers to have sex without condoms. This is partly coming from them, bit also from the punters who express fear and disgust etc at the prospect of what they could get from prostitutes who they know are having sex with multiple men on an ongoing, regular basis (they're often delayed starting their booking by the punter before them and left hanging around etc). They regularly express the view that any prostitute who'd have sex without condoms (and if she does in with them, is doing it with any punter for the right money) is foolish/crazy and high risk.

Thst dies not mean of course, that the punter - abd any partner of his, is not at risk of stdsthst can be spread via skin to skin contact, bit they're less likely.

(The prevalence of condoms use for oral sex, however, seems pretty low indeed. It seems to ge considered an acceptable acceptable low risk by both punters and prostitutes).

Still definitely worth getting a check though.

relatively unusual*