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Original poster

DH using cam girls

308 replies

Teaaddict39 · 03/12/2021 15:54

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

OP posts:
Momijin · 04/12/2021 12:03

Would he be happy if you were a cam girl? Doubt it. It isn't acceptable

Anothernick · 04/12/2021 14:35

I think many, probably most, men watch porn but interacting directly with another person online is taking it much further. If these tokens he is buying just give access to pre-recorded material then I suppose that is just another form of porn but if they allow direct interaction with the girls then the crosses the line IMO.

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 14:41

Random porn wouldn't bother me. Showing 1 on 1 interest is cheating.

doodleygirl · 04/12/2021 14:42

And you still respect this pervy man? I just do not understand why you would have such low boundaries, perhaps work on your self esteem.

If my partner did this he would be an ex partner.

IsThePopeCatholic · 04/12/2021 14:44

I couldn’t be with a man who did that. Definitely cheating imo. I don’t think I could bear to have sex with a man who did that as I would feel he had spoiled what should be an intimate and loving act. I hate any kind of porn, but this is just too much.

girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 14:47

I agree that I feel like it's cheating because he's specifically interacting with a certain woman.

If you knew he watched porn, and he thought this was acceptable, you'd have known about this too.

Signalstation · 04/12/2021 14:48

@Teaaddict39

Thank you all for your replies. You're right, I do think he has crossed a line and I guess I am even more shocked as we have a good sex life and havent had any issues in that area.

I will speak to him later on about how I'm feeling. I am now worried this is just the tip of the iceburg and he's admitted to the least severe part of this to get me off his back ☹

I was firstly hoping we could work through this but I am not so certain anymore. Up until a few days ago I thought I had a happy marriage. I'm now so angry xx

This activity must not be normalised. Unless you've had a conversation about it, and agreed to it, he's been doing it behind your back and that is definitely cheating. It is the thin end of the wedge, believe me, it is incredibly easy to hire an escort on these sort of sites.

I am glad you're angry. You bloody well should be. He has betrayed your trust and he has done extreme damage to you by allowing you to believe your reality was one thing ('a happy marriage') when it turns out your reality is now far from happy.

I hope your self-respect trumps everything else. I am a firm believer in anyone can make a mistake like this once. Once they go back and repeat it however, they have made their decision to end their relationship with you. Flowers

Krakenchorus · 04/12/2021 14:52

It's good that you are angry - you should be. He paid sex workers directly, which a long way over the watching-porn line. And I suspect as you do that he is confessing to the least of it.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Monr0e · 04/12/2021 16:00

@Alphavilla

He is engaging 1-1 with other women for his sexual gratification behind your back. That's cheating in my book. I could not accept that in a relationship.
This, plus the fact he is using family money ti pay for it. He sees women as objects which can be bought for his sexual gratification. I couldn't get past this
ginghamstarfish · 04/12/2021 16:17

Seems he was only 'honest' about it because you found out. It's horrible, disrespectful to you, and sordid. What else might he do that you won't find out about? If my DH did this I'd be seriously thinking about ending the relationship.

Original poster
Teaaddict39 · 04/12/2021 17:43

Thank you all for your replies. I am still a bit in shock to be honest, I had genuinely never given it a second thought before my discovery because we had no problems so I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong.

I asked him earlier this afternoon if he had done this because he was unhappy with me or felt something was missing in our relationship and he said he has no issues with us, he just used it as enjoyment.

I have asked him to move into the spare bedroom until I have had time to process things. Sex is last thing on my mind at the moment. I have no idea how I am going to move forwards as of yet, I feel I need time to think about this rationally and clearly. He keeps telling me he wants to save our marriage and I genuinely can't commit to saving it right now. I feel gutted and numb.

I feel even more upset when I realised we had sex the other day about 20 mins after his little "show" had finished. I stupidly believed he was working downstairs ☹

Thank you all for your honest replies so far, you have given me a lot to think about. I have told one friend in real life and she said I was massively overreacting and pretty much had a go at me for even considering ending such a good marriage because of a bit of "online fun". That made me feel really shit.

Thank you for the support so far xx

OP posts:
Signalstation · 04/12/2021 18:18

Your friend was out of order, to say the least.

Perhaps she doesn't understand exactly what he's done? That's trying to be gracious. I think you should guard yourself against seeking further help or advice from this particular friend.

OP, I have direct experience of the damage these online adult services can do to a marriage. Not only to a marriage but to extended family members. These services are addictive. I am not making excuses for him at all when I say that, but just to make you aware. Any addict will keep needing that fix and more and more of a fix until they graduate from web-cam girls, to direct chat, to phoning escorts, to having regular paid-for sessions with the same escort, to having two escorts at the same time.
Keep strong and keep true to your standards.

OhRexy · 04/12/2021 18:24

I'm also sorry your friend was shit. She had no right to minimise your feelings.

As others have said, only you can decide what you can/want to forgive and accept.

I guess for me, putting aside that this goes far beyond porn, I worry about his attitude towards women. I would not want to be with a man who was willing to use sex workers knowing the exploitation and abuse often involved. It would fundamentally change how I saw him.

You may feel differently and for you that might not be a red line in the same way which is fine.

Whatever you decide, do it for you. Not him, family, friends. What do you want/need to happen?

Elieza · 04/12/2021 18:33

Don’t go too much by what your friend says.

She may have a DH who does this and it upsets her greatly and he won’t stop so now she just goes to pass it off as normal and kids herself that it’s fine? As in if she has to put up with it so can you.

Er, no. You decide whether you’re cool with it or not. Based on your feelings.

I wouldn’t be. It would feel like a betrayal, another woman, as though I’m not enough. And that would sting me. But to many it wouldn’t be a deal breaker, just a wank over some nameless burd on a screen. We all have different boundaries.

Perhaps you could consider carrying on with your relationship while he abstains from such things and see how you both feel after the festive season is over? It’s a stressful time of year.

girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 18:36

@Teaaddict39 ask her how it's fun/where the fun is for you and your family he's taking money away from by paying for this.

Your friend is a twat.

Undecidedandtorn · 04/12/2021 18:47

I've once paid money to watch people have sex online - it was a token thing and a few Internet strangers all put in a few tokens. I was in a good relationship and we had a healthy sex life. It neve occurred that anyone would see this as cheating.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 04/12/2021 18:57

It shows a lot that you are still calling his D(darling) Husband. You obvs want to believe that he is a good man.

Hmm

But please know, he is a sick b***d who is preying on possibly vulnerable women for his own disgusting pleasure. As is anyone who watches porn and these kind of shows

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 19:02

@Undecidedandtorn

I've once paid money to watch people have sex online - it was a token thing and a few Internet strangers all put in a few tokens. I was in a good relationship and we had a healthy sex life. It neve occurred that anyone would see this as cheating.
Did your partner know before you did it? After you did it?
Undecidedandtorn · 04/12/2021 20:44

Just never occurred to me to tell him. Not in a "keeping it a secret" way but in the same way I'm sure he watched porn but wasn't a big deal.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 20:48

@Undecidedandtorn

Just never occurred to me to tell him. Not in a "keeping it a secret" way but in the same way I'm sure he watched porn but wasn't a big deal.
I don't really get why you watched it? For a laugh? To see if it turned you on? Porn is so, so, so freely available now that choosing to pay to watch people have sex / masturbate on camera for money seems like a strange thing to do. Especially with a group of mates, assuming your an adult?
Undecidedandtorn · 04/12/2021 21:25

I think I was just was just curious and yeah- as a turn on. I wasn't watching with people I know- just whoever else was watching that cam.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2021 21:34

I’ve no issue with porn, but this crosses a line for me, it’s quite personal, I don’t know if I’d end a marriage over it, I’d defintely end a shorter relationship over it, but I’m also not sure I could come back from it if I knew my husband was paying someone to perform sexually for him. I find it really unacceptable

Alphavilla · 04/12/2021 23:03

But it is not engaging with a nameless bird is it? I presume the cam girl goes by a name, and after repeated 1-1 sessions and viewing her gallery DH no doubt feels he knows her very intimately, and goes back for more. It's not a random stranger it is someone he is enjoying knowing and wanking with. It might be business to her, but to him it is certainly getting off to another woman without DWs knowledge or any attempt to involve DW in the 'fun'. OP have you asked your DH if he would mind you wanking with another bloke on a regular basis just for fun?

Pascal80 · 05/12/2021 00:10

How disgusting. On what planet could anyone think this behaviour is okay? He is being unfaithful to you. Since when did women think hard core porn is ok for their husband to use and now cam girls? Some fucking feminism!

JHMJHM · 05/12/2021 00:20

Porn is so damaging. I actually yearn for the days it was a bit shameful and all about wank mags chucked away in bushes. I hate the way women are expected to be cool with their husbands furiously wanking all over the show in their own homes where they should feel confident and loved and desired. If not desired, at least respected. So fucking depressing. Get your boundaries up and tell him to fuck off its just such poor behaviour. Expect more. You are worth more. ❤
Its really sad to hear you thought he was working before intimacy with you. So so sad and depressing.