DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

Plus the “ While you were handling the kids alone I was wanking to porn in the Study “. Nice.

He's setting up the narrative that he's porn addicted, it escalated, he's not really accountable, and it's a problem that's solvable by sex therapy/counselling.

Hasn't occurred to him it makes him look when more selfish and shit. But then that didn't occur to him when he was saying he was devastated that their marriage is in tatters and they're no longer ttc another child ..... having Bern the one who has been destroying their marriage for what sounds like years.

The selfishness and lack of empathy is astounding.

This guy has to have some kind of personality disorder (?) That's not an excuse for his behaviour, just a comment on why gtfo there instead of trying to continue a marriage with him is a good plan.

If living without PIV sex for a year is so terrible it drove him to abuse prostituted women

If living without PIV for a year is so terrible why stop short of having PIV with prostituted women?

He didn't.

He's minimising.

I agree with Closetbeanmuncher First its "there is no sex" then its "Its not exciting anymore" He can't use both excuses simultaneously, anymore than he can argue "No PIV, so I sought sex minus PIV"

And how can wanking to a webcam or having a massage and a blow job be so exciting? why is that more so than having sex with your wife, the person you are supposed to love? I'm sure if PIV was off the menu here I could still give DH a blow job! Its NOTHING, NOTHING about you Teaaddict39 nothing you could have done would have made any difference. The likelihood is that his excitement for this is driven by the fact that he is paying, and he's very unlikely to ever admit that. I don't think decent men suddenly become punters, there are men and there are punters, sleazy, pathetic, inferior they hate women and get their jollies paying for it.

So I read a post on the punting website from a man who said that when his wife had to go away somewhere for a while he actually got bored of 'punting' and recognised that it is the presence of his wife which is actually making it exciting for him (i.e. not the actual sex with the 'working girl' itself, although he says that is enjoyable).

I find that fascinating. It means there is nothing the wife can do in that situation other than to leave him.

Yes I agree that for most men, the "excitement" comes from the fact they are paying for it, it gives them some sort of perceived power and its this and the sleaziness they get off on.

He is breadcrubming the fuck out of this isn't he? first its "only cam girls" then its "massage and hand jobs" then its "oral with condom" - sorry but i find it hard to believe he stopped here! but what's amazing is, if this is the minimised version.. he actually thinks this is ok and not a big deal at all which i find unbelievable!

@Teaaddict39 you are dealing with this amazingly and are a very strong woman. Stick to your guns, we are all here to listen and support.

What a . Ask him how he’d feel if his DD was in future treated by a partner or husband exactly as he’s treated you!!

Thank you all. I feel slightly stronger this morning.

H is taking care of DCs so I can do some Xmas shopping. I've found a counsellor and have booked us in for after Christmas so we can begin working out the new dynamic.

You're right he is definitely working up to claiming he is addicted to porn. He made a comment this morning that hinted that was the next bombshell.

To be honest though, even if he did have a porn addiction, that isn't what has caused this drama. Escorts and cam girls aren't porn and so in my mind whether he is porn addicted or not is irrelevant to our current problems.

The porn thing has made me feel a bit stupid though. I knew he looked at porn and I fully admit he did use it more frequently after DDs birth as we couldn't have sex, but at the time I wasn't bothered as we couldn't have sex and its not like it was causing us any problems iyswim. Maybe I should have taken a harsher stance back then and not been so okay with it. Who knows xx

No! Don't blame yourself regarding your stance towards porn. That makes no difference!

@bestguesstimate

What a **. Ask him how he’d feel if his DD was in future treated by a partner or husband exactly as he’s treated you!!

That is a brilliant question.

Not for a fraction of a second do I believe he stopped short of PIV with prostitutes.
He's vile. A porn addicted, prostitute using punter. Just vile.

I hope 2022 is an amazing year for you OP as you remove this piece of dirt from your life. You deserve everything wonderful.

I just wanted to add to your thread by saying what an incredible woman you are @Teaaddict39 Your stance towards your husband wrongdoings is inspiring. I am so so sorry for what you are going through, but you are handling it magnificently. He deserves niether your understanding or sympathy.

I sincerely wish you all the best

If living without PIV sex for a year is so terrible it drove him to abuse prostituted women

If he's telling the truth (the story he expects pp to believe) he hasbt ever had piv sex with prostitutes ahem masseurs; so his narrative doesbt make sense.

The cam sex is masturbation on his part.

The hand jobs and blow jobs are not piv, op could have gone them, if willing, birth injuries or not.

Nothing seems to make much sense in his stories.

Including that he couldn't feel the same way about sex with op, and felt no excitement about it, due to op having his kids etc .... but he never said a word about their sex life, and much more significantly, never said a word about ttc another child. He went along with it happily.

He strikes me as a bit of a punter (wonder if hes ever used sexual services before) who thinks he entitled to, and enjoys this sort of thing on the side, but now he's been caught and is looking at separation and divorce (and perhaos exposure) is desperately scamblimg for excuses and a narrative, op couldn't have piv sex with him for a year so that's been fixed upon, he's now developing a narrative or porn addiction, he's desperately trying to make out their problems are sexual.

The only sexual problem they have is that likes it with more than one woman, but decided to get married and have a family anyway.

*He likes it ..

The hand jobs and blow jobs are not piv, op could have gone them, if willing, birth injuries or not.

That's a very good point

I'm sad to say ive encountered that attitude among more than one man.

Fidelity is what you pretend to have, but everyone knows that men need sex/sexual stimulation with more than one woman and getting it with sex workers (or non sex workers in some cases) is acceptable, its just not something you can ever be honest about with women in general and your missus in particular.

The same men don't share that attitude towards women however, women are naturally mothers and home makers and happy with one man, and not sexually motivated, andcsex is heavily wrapped up in emotion and bonding for them etc etc. They don't need or want extra on the side like men (and if they did, that'd be a ho, and not wife material)

I've known middle ages men who go on golf trips and go to brothels on them, and have sex with women young enough to be their grand daughters. They have wives of decades with whom they share children & grand children at home. Their wives no doubt think they are past "all that".

There's a lot of tolerance of cheating cheating sex workers on holiday, stag does, working away etc.

A lot of men have that mentality, happy to do sneaky cheating while making sure their partner sticks to monogamy (and consider it even less significant of ots not an affair etc).

A lot of women never find out. Though men are fkg themselves up with tech more and more these days.

This is not a post about it being normal or OK, it's a post saying that ops dh sounds like he's one of that ilk. And his excuses/narrative are bullshit.

@CrumpetStrumpet

I just wanted to add to your thread by saying what an incredible woman you are *@Teaaddict39* Your stance towards your husband wrongdoings is inspiring. I am so so sorry for what you are going through, but you are handling it magnificently. He deserves niether your understanding or sympathy.

I sincerely wish you all the best

This.

💐 for you OP

You're right he is definitely working up to claiming he is addicted to porn. He made a comment this morning that hinted that was the next bombshell. To be honest though, even if he did have a porn addiction, that isn't what has caused this drama. Escorts and cam girls aren't porn and so in my mind whether he is porn addicted or not is irrelevant to our current problems.

He might try to claim he's addicted to sex in general, not just porn. That would be his attempt to get you to give him another chance if he swears he's going to seek help for his supposed sex addiction, and goes to some meetings/therapy for himself etc.

Some questions I would put to him:

How would he feel if you'd had oral sex with another man?

How would he feel if you paid for sexual contact with other men?

How would he feel if you wanked off four other men?

How would he feel in the shoes of the parents of the women he paid to wank him off and give him blow jobs? As a parent himself, how would he describe a man who does that to women? More likely than not (especially if at a massage parlour) young, vulnerable women?

If you had paid men to wank on camera while you did the same, wanked off four blokes for money and paid other men to perform oral sex on you... all with family income... he'd think the relationship was salvageable and that you were the kind of partner he wanted to spend his life with would he? Would he fuck.

@girlmom21

The hand jobs and blow jobs are not piv, op could have gone them, if willing, birth injuries or not.

That's a very good point

It's hard to get clarity to try to advise op amid the mess of drip feeding, lies, excuses etc from this desperate, panicking "man", but it seems like the thing closest to the truth is that is no longer/not excited by having sex with one woman, especially now she's taken on the role of knackered mummy (and more knackered due to his selfishness brother soundsoff it), and his personal value system led him to escalate from porn to cam sex.

The finding, booking znd going through with physical sex services is a whole different level above that, and I'd be interested to know how he's planning on.arguing that is am escalation of porn "addiction".

(Which he is undoubtedly going to use any counselling op agrees to, to do. It seems v unlikely he's going go along with the counselling as a way to get closure and learn to constructively coparent. He sees any agreement to counselling as a chance for him to salvage the marriage.

@me4real

You're right he is definitely working up to claiming he is addicted to porn. He made a comment this morning that hinted that was the next bombshell. To be honest though, even if he did have a porn addiction, that isn't what has caused this drama. Escorts and cam girls aren't porn and so in my mind whether he is porn addicted or not is irrelevant to our current problems.

He might try to claim he's addicted to sex in general, not just porn. That would be his attempt to get you to give him another chance if he swears he's going to seek help for his supposed sex addiction, and goes to some meetings/therapy for himself etc.

Yep that's why he kept angling for sex therapy.

Don’t feel stupid OP. Please don’t think if I’d only done x or y. It’s not you. He’s chosen to do this. Don’t minimise - he’s been spending family money and not spending time with his children to use prostitutes. You sound like you are doing great in circumstances.
Do look after yourself. If it’s better he goes now do it. The children will be ok.

If you had paid men to wank on camera while you did the same, wanked off four blokes for money and paid other men to perform oral sex on you... all with family income... he'd think the relationship was salvageable and that you were the kind of partner he wanted to spend his life with would he? Would he fuck.

Exactly.

If the shoe was on a other foot, i doubt there would be civil discussions, agreement to counselling, excuses considered etc.

In reverse circumstances men tend tk ge ratger good at liberal use of words like slut, whore, slag, sick etc.
Her mental health, sanity even would be questioned.

Somehow the latter doesn't seem to crop up with men who've cheated, used sex workers etc. Just talk of forgiveness, working through things, saving the marriage, not "throwing it away", talk of sex addiction, porn addiction etc.

@Allsortsofroses The sex therapy suggestion was for them as a couple. The reason why he's saying that is he claims the cause of his prostitute etc use is that he wasn't happy with the sex they were having. So the way to fix this, he claims, is for OP to be manipulated into giving him the sex he wants.

Sex therapy has often been used to try and get women to do what men want them to do.

[quote me4real]@Allsortsofroses The sex therapy suggestion was for them as a couple. The reason why he's saying that is he claims the cause of his prostitute etc use is that he wasn't happy with the sex they were having. So the way to fix this, he claims, is for OP to be manipulated into giving him the sex he wants.

Sex therapy has often been used to try and get women to do what men want them to do.[/quote]
I wonder what a sex therapist makes of a cheating partner, who's cheated with sex workers to boot arriving in a session; and them supposedly trying to fix the couple's sex life?

Do they ignore the cheating and prostitute use and try to fix what they (in this case he) say is wrong with their sex life independent of that.

At what point do they not come up against the fact he's blaming it for cheating and the wife is supposed to do stuff to supposedly prevent him from cheating again (even though no-one can prevent that, no matter what they do)?

How exactly do you fix lack of excitement on his behalf anyway. You could try to get a couple bonded more, but you can't create excitement (early relationship excitement) and novelty ongoing. That's not how ltrs are ... his expectations are unrealistic, unreasonable and immature.

You can't prevent a break in piv sex ever happening again, for whatever reasin, either.

Who knows what the truth is, but thinking over what he's saying, inpresume he's saying the longish break in piv sex (were there no other forms of sex happenings?) led to.him masturbating using porn more, which escalated to a lot of porn use, which led to him paying for private galleries, which escalated to him going on cam sex sessions (probably through porn sites).

Is he then saying the porn use and cam.sesions led to him escalating to booking and going to massage parlours that are essentially brothels for sexual.services?

In any case, winding backward;

Escalating porn use did not have to happen; you know when it's becomimg too much of a habit .... buying private pics, a line crossed into one on one/specific porn use and commercial/use of household money ..... the cam sex, a huge line crossed into live, interactive, one on one, personal sexual interaction and an even higher level of use of household money .... the actual real life prostituse use; what more can be said.

Every single one of those, with increasing severity, had stop signs that anyone decent & well adjusted would have acknowledged and stopped at; but he couldn't or chose not to.
There's something not right with him, doubt it's going to be fixable.

(Op said sued have stayed and worked ot out if it was only cam sex, tbh I would've thought that was not right, it was cheating and wasting your family money on sexual services behind your back, he'd not be ok with you doing the equivalent, I'd bet).

I wonder what a sex therapist makes of a cheating partner, who's cheated with sex workers to boot arriving in a session; and them supposedly trying to fix the couple's sex life?

Do they ignore the cheating and prostitute use and try to fix what they (in this case he) say is wrong with their sex life independent of that.

@Allsortsofroses One would hope not I guess. But there are all sorts of therapists around, some of whom might have the qualifications but have their own misogynistic opinions etc.

It sounds like he's assuming a therapist would feel sorry for him, or the prostitute etc use wouldn't come out. Maybe he hasn't really thought it through. It's a fantasy on his part that sex therapy would manipulate OP into it.

I had one, he was even a therapist (not mine) and he thought I should have therapy to like something in bed that he liked. I asked a sex therapist on the phone after I dumped him (just out of interest as to what their opinion would be, I wasn't intending to have therapy for it) and they said my not enjoying a particular thing was not a cause for therapy so would be a waste of money.

Hopefully most of them are ethical and wouldn't try and manipulate/ blame wives for their husband's obnoxious behaviour.