DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

*they masturbate to her instructions

He didn’t seem to get that to me it was more upsetting than a one night stand

He was either playing dumb or lacks empathy or both.

Note that this was done by him, to you.

If it had been the reverse, he'd have understood just fine why it was inappropriate, unfair etc.

@allsortsofroses studies also show that people who have been on the receiving end of infidelity quite naturally take a MUCH dimmer view of it and tend to describe more behaviours as cheating than those who haven’t or those who have cheated themselves.
Whilst I absolutely get what you are saying (and in a lot of ways agree with you) it is an unfortunate fact that lots of people do not share the same morals and values as each other. This only becomes a problem if it’s someone we love and we thought that they did!

What if you texted your colleague Rob, and asked him to send you a video of him wanking, and he did, and you enjoyed it? 20 minutes before jumping in to bed with your DH? Would your DH think that was cool and not cheating? This is what I'd be asking him. Of course it's stepping over the line. And he knows it, otherwise he would have told you that he does it - and he didn't.

@Allsortsofroses

Also no doubt wifey was just fine in her compartment, and in the dark, until he got caught ..... now that he's been caught, and his marriage is in danger; wifey is central stage, and he loves her deeply, and can't lose her and blah blah blah.

He never intended to lose you when he did what he's done (more than once by the sounds of it), he thought he could have both. He never thought he'd get found out.

But whether him never actually intending to lose you/risk your relationship is more important than the fact that he's happy to do things that do risk your marriage/that might lose you, in the belief that you won't find out; is the question.

The sex life thing is a red herring and bullshit by the sounds of it. Hes a man desperately grabbing into any perceived life line at this point.

@Allsortsofroses is spot on. It is so tempting at this stage to be flattered and believe he really does love you after all and that you should forgive him and spend the rest of your lives loved-up together like soulmates.

Then you get rational. There was always a risk however minuscule that he could get caught. When you truly do not want to lose something you do not take any risk whatsoever.

I agree about the sex life thing being a red herring. What exactly does he say that he was unhappy about?!

This isn’t necessarily a comment on the OP’s situation, but porn addiction is a very real thing. From forums I have been on there are many people who struggle to give up porn. There is also a view (rightly)that the big sites like Pornhub are unethical, and the content can be exploitative and violent. If you look into ethical porn there is also a view that it comes with a charge, if you pay then that is more likely to be an ethical approach. Now it depends on the site of course, but getting your kicks by paying directly (or getting on sex chat sites where its real people) is one way of not supporting Pornhub etc. Yeah its cheating, but you can convince yourself by not actually meeting it’s not. I think its also true though an addiction to porn can escalate to more ‘real’ interactions, and it can take strong will power to resist, it is so so easy to access on the internet. I think sometimes the people caught up in an addiction do know the hurt they would cause if they were found out, they are filled with self loathing for doing it (which of course can make them more vulnerable to using porn). As I said maybe not in this case, but would say there are a lot of people stuck in a cycle of using porn. Its very difficult to break on your own, so would give one chance at least to help someone do that. The behaviour in using porn is bad, its not necessarily the person that is bad.

it is an unfortunate fact that lots of people do not share the same morals and values as each other. This only becomes a problem if it’s someone we love and we thought that they did!

Well that is the crux of poor op's situation.

I epildbt for one minute believe the bullshit hes larching onto now about being unhappy with their sex life.

Truly unhappy with sex life; be honest and try to resolve it, if can't be resolved; agree open relationship (not an option for many people and often descends into a mess) or separate.
The only options for someone with integrity.

But I don't think it's truly his reason anyway; it just a convenient excuse, one that will have op struggling to understand, and trying to resolve, and maybecraking responsibility, maybe even making more effort herself going forward.

Meanwhile his inner monologue will be "phew, got away with it, and even have her trying harder".

Now it depends on the site of course, but getting your kicks by paying directly (or getting on sex chat sites where its real people) is one way of not supporting Pornhub etc.

But the pop ups for the cam sex are hosted on/popping up on big sites like porn hub. And probably where most users are seeing them and clicking on them.

@Allsortsofroses. Yep- that’s absolutely the mindset — I’ve had experience of it- just hid it better- however I now have 007 level skills on such things . I intend longer term to leave but not till it suits me financially to do so. I am utterly disgusted at a lot of men, they often have attractive kind and caring wives who they know full well wouldn’t be ok with all this sleaze and yet they carry on regardless thinking they won’t get found out , the thing is even if you stay their must be many like me who feel the guy has devalued themselves in their eyes considerably. I realise some women really don’t give a shit as they have different dealbreakers or low standards , but there are many that find it totally unacceptable

@tarasmalatarocks me too, although I left. He massively devalued himself. This was a person who I respected for many reasons, whose opinions I would listen to and consider them in light of my own when they differed. This was a person who made many decisions in our relationship and I trusted him to do so. Virtually in the blink of an eye he shrunk (he seemed to visibly shrink when he first admitted to me - partially at first - what he'd done). Now, I don't think of him as a person at all really, he is just there like some object or relic. It's really difficult to describe. It's like what was him, what made him 'him' for me, has just evaporated.

@Signalstation. Yep, when you are with someone who has always come across as very respectful to women and a bit of a feminist then to me they aren’t the same person that I ‘signed up’ for— they basically buggered it up for themselves .

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life. I was surprised by this as we have always made an effort to not let that part of our relationship slide since DC

Op, if I could cut through my multiple posts in this thread and say one thing; it would be that his only true "unhppiness" with your sex life is that it didn't involve more than one woman.

He "remedied" by messaging, onteractjng either, paying for intimate photos etc of other women, working on porn/sex sites and escalated that to having cam sex/mutual masturbation etc. with them. Presumably that was within his acceptable behaviour values & standards. He probably thinks it's the lesser of two evils because they're sex workers, not affairs. He was OK with doing that, thinking you wouldn't find out.

You say you had a decent sex life in spite of the demands of family life and made an effort to do so. He made apparently zero complaint about it before being caught paying for sexual interaction with other women.

You can't change his mindset.

Don't take any responsibility for this whatsoever.

This subject is so incredibly sad and depressing not just for the individuals concerned but also for society as a whole.

OP, what @Allsortsofroses says is vsng on correct— I don’t think there’s any excuse for it at all, even if you were having no sex life to speak of— it’s funny how these guys sex lives suddenly become ‘unsatisfactory’ when they get caught— they know full well they have totally blown it and try every excuse going to make you feel it’s oartly ‘you’ - it really isn’t

So gross and disrespectful.

I do wonder how keen men would be on all the nasty stuff they get up to online if they caught their wife doing it?

Just once I'd like to see his reaction catching his wife looking at hot naked men.

As other have said, he isn't unhappy with his sex life, he's just looking for a distraction from what he's done so he decides to blame you.
To make you feel worse than you already do and make you jump though hoops trying to please him.

I'm completely drained from today.

We have spoken at length. I've told him how I am feeling. I asked him would he have carried on if I hadn't have caught him out and he admitted he probably would have.

He said that although we have sex regularly, it's not the same post-kids so he used the cams for "variety". I asked him why he couldn't have just spoken to me and we could have addressed it.

I asked him to be honest about the extent of his infidelities and he told me he has paid for 4 live shows and purchases pics a few times a week.

I asked if it had ever gone any further and if he had met anyone and he told me that he's never met anyone for sex, however he has paid for a couple of massages which have resulted in "happy endings".

I'm devasted. I feel like my heart is broken. I've told him we will put on a brave face until Christmas as I really don't want him to ruin Christmas for DCs who are so so excited for this year. He's in the spare room and I have asked him to look for somewhere to live in January. I think this is probably the end for us. I feel sick and completely betrayed xx

I asked if it had ever gone any further and if he had met anyone and he told me that he's never met anyone for sex, however he has paid for a couple of massages which have resulted in "happy endings".

Fuck. Oh my love I'm so sorry.

I think there are very few people who could come back from this. I certainly couldn't.

He's prioritised paying someone to wank him off over you and the family unit. Presumably with your family money.

It's not just hurtful, it's pathetic and grubby and sleazy and you mustn't feel bad / guilty if you can't get past this.

You can focus on as amicable a separation as possible and successfully co-parenting the children without the pressure of trying to rebuild a sexual relationship.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Bastard

Oh what an utter utter bastard. Well if there was ever a doubt about him cheating, that’s gone now hasn’t it. I feel genuinely sick for you, I’m so sorry.

I would use this time to get your ducks in a row as they say, get a solicitor and start making some plans. Oh, and an STI check.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry to read your update OP.
I can't even imagine. What a total piece of shit.

I could not have come back from the cam girls, but the massages? I couldn't look at my DP again if I ever found out he'd done that.
Stay strong for your little ones over christmas, but don't feel bad if you can't and need him gone sooner.
He has royally fucked up. And if you need him to leave, he leaves and you can explain to the dc after christmas. Until then, he can be working away.

I'm no Puritan but when a man pays someone to perform sex acts for him it's unquestionably cheating in my book. IRL or online the act is the same. He's using another woman's body specifically for his pleasure and I could never get on board with that. It's too personalised and not the same as watching porn. If he was open and discussed things like this with you in advance then fair enough but he kept it from you - why? Because no man in a manogomous relationship thinks his wife would ever be ok with this. It's deceitful and creepy and I imagine it will damage your self esteem - fuck letting him off the hook! Ughhh dirt box.

Oh goodness OP I just read your update. I'm so sorry what an absolute creep. You deserve much, much better than this cheating wanker. Stay strong. You will get through this. Surround yourself with real life support and don't allow him to manipulate you into staying. Such a bastard.

I’m so sorry he has done this to you and your family. The blame and shame of his actions belong to him alone, please don’t let him try to pass any of it in to you. I hope you have support in real life OP, please reach out to those who care about you x

So sorry for you OP.
There's probably a lot more that he isn't telling you. I'm thinking that he potentially moved from meeting women in person to online cam shows because of lockdown!

I wonder what he was doing pre covid?

He has made his bed and whilst I'm sorry that your world has been turned upside down, I think you're right to tell him to leave.
It might be worth having a full STI check

And really, whatever he says, I would bet my home that if you paid a man to make you orgasm, in fact four men, there's not a chance in hell he would consider staying with you or be able to make it work if he did. He doesn't get a free pass for having a penis.

Speechless, I am so sorry OP sending you hugs. 💐 I am curious as to what he had to day for himself. Did he actually believe you would be cool with his extra curricular activities? Did you ask him if he would be ok had you been doing the same? Did he feel its been worth losing his marriage and family life for some grubby wank sessions? How stupid are men? I despair honestly. Whatever happened to good old fashioned honour amongst men? Dickheads.