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Original poster

DH using cam girls

308 replies

Teaaddict39 · 03/12/2021 15:54

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 05/12/2021 00:24

@Teaaddict39

I am with your friend on that. If you have a good solid marriage, I’d not be throwing it away over this.
Not saying that it wasn’t anything, or that you shouldn’t feel hurt. But - people make mistakes and this one, I believe, is not unforgivable.

In your place - I’d be booking a relationship counsellor so you two can talk and re-connect. You can explain the hurt you are feeling. He can talk about his side of it all. I think a little bit of ‘relationship maintenance and tune up’ can go a long way here.

Generally - if you have a good sex life and virtual isn’t replacing real life intimacy - I don’t see the virtual stuff as too threatening to the relationship. And with that - it’s easy to see how a boundary can be pushed and fine broken. It’s just so easy to do. And it doesn’t feel real. So - paying tokens for private gallery - is to me is the same as porn.
The only more serious infraction is cam session. And on that - I think even criminals get a chance of rehabilitation. A spouse of … years should at least get that too

JHMJHM · 05/12/2021 00:25

To add, I think it is so disturbing that family homes with kids in are becoming 'safe' places for porn to be streamed into. People that would be so horrified to have cigarettes, drugs, booze around their kids are seemingly fine to have porn as a normal part of their domestic life.

JHMJHM · 05/12/2021 00:28

@Teaaddict39 what??? You need a reality and sensitivity check. The op does not need counselling. Stop minimising. What is 'his side of it all'? He has a fucking massive hard on for fit porny women and cant stop wanking. Whats to discuss?

JHMJHM · 05/12/2021 00:29

Sorry that was for @MMmomDD

BlancheB · 05/12/2021 00:38

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

Oh right, he also confessed to more crap! So I take it you spend your time and money viewing private galleries of men then? But you love him and have told him "you've stopped and won't do it again "? Yeah right.

Put it to the back of your mind all you like but it won't go away. Unless of course you're treating him to the same... but I expect not.

Chocaholic9 · 05/12/2021 00:40

Paying a woman for this is cheating, in my book. Men know this fully. They just expect not to be found out.

Leaweb1 · 05/12/2021 00:47

I'm going through the same thing and I personally think it's disgusting and downgrading makes me feel worthless he hassent actually cheated but really feels like he has and if the shoe was on the other foot well he would leave me in a shot!.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/12/2021 00:54

I have told one friend in real life and she said I was massively overreacting and pretty much had a go at me for even considering ending such a good marriage because of a bit of "online fun"

Hmm supportive🙄

I would love to see her face if it happens to her, bet it wouldn't be so trivial then.

For me it's cheating. Generic porn is one thing but this is one step away from in the flesh hookers...cheap and nasty.

Leaweb1 · 05/12/2021 00:59

Totaly agree with @closetbeanmuncher its bang out of order!!

caringcarer · 05/12/2021 01:02

I would not tolerate porn or any situation where DH wanted to watch other woman.

Namenic · 05/12/2021 01:04

OP - sending best wishes. You are NOT being unreasonable. You have your feelings and your boundaries - what anyone else’s is doesn’t matter.

If you feel that you need him to attend counselling with you, then demand that. If you feel you need to separate for a while, then do that. Take your time. Explain to him why you feel the way you do. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are unreasonable - it’s the kind of ‘grey’ area that strip/lapdance clubs or massage parlours etc would fall into - if you cared about your partner you would always seek permission first rather than assume it is ok (so if he tries to minimise it, he is wrong). He might not have known your views, but he should be able to see why you are upset and why he might need to put in further efforts if you decide it is required.

Dryshampoofordays · 05/12/2021 01:05

Porn is addictive, meaning that people who use it need to continually “up the ante” in order to get the same level of dopamine hit. This can mean using it more and more frequently, seeking more kinky or violent material, or seeking out a more “realistic” experience- watching cam girls, then paying to interact with them online, then seeking sexual gratification face to face. Porn makers exploit this and advertise more extreme types or porn/cam girls so that users aren’t even aware there’s an issue with their porn use as it escalates gradually. Like any addiction really. OP, do you think your husband would be willing to accept and work on overcoming the porn addiction which has completely normalised him interacting sexually with other women and cheating on his wife? There may be hope for reconciliation if he is, but that would completely depend on whether you felt able to try again. I’m sorry you are in this situation, I think it affects so many more families than you’d think.

Careve · 05/12/2021 01:13

@Alphavilla

He is engaging 1-1 with other women for his sexual gratification behind your back. That's cheating in my book. I could not accept that in a relationship.
Agree with this. Watching porn, fine, but when it’s one on one, that’s cheating in my book too. Ask him how he’d feel if you were engaging in chatting to men on cams.
oakleaffy · 05/12/2021 01:16

@Alphavilla

He is engaging 1-1 with other women for his sexual gratification behind your back. That's cheating in my book. I could not accept that in a relationship.
This, absolutely.
Enrosadira · 05/12/2021 01:35

Deal braker for me. A) the lies B) the exploitation C) porn.

But that is me. Try to concentrate on you. What your boundaries are. Not his, yours.

HarrisonStickle · 05/12/2021 01:48

Why don't you suggest that, in order to help you process what's happened properly, you find a man to do the same with so that you will realise it's just a meaningless fantasy.

Let's see how supportive of that idea he is. And how happy he is when you initiate sex just after you've watched a show.

Like PP has said, he's only telling you about it because you found out, and is trying to minimise because he knows it's more than ordinary porn.

FabriqueBelgique · 05/12/2021 01:53

It doesn’t matter what the general consensus is here. You aren’t comfortable so you need to communicate with him that it crosses the line for you and he needs to respect that going forward. You just need another conversation.

Original poster
Teaaddict39 · 05/12/2021 02:57

@leaweb1 I'm so sorry this has happened to you! Its so awful isn't it? If you don't mind me asking? How did you find out? What are you planning on doing next? Hugs, please know you aren't alone xx

OP posts:
Anotheronestatisticssuck · 05/12/2021 08:50

I don't particularly like that my DH watches porn but I don't want to stop him but absolutely agreed that seeking the same person out and 1:1, content only for him is unacceptable. The fact he's paying for it would also make me so angry (but we are very near our overdraft each month). He says 'oh we don't need this' regularly e.g. raspberries (fair enough full price but these were reduced to 25p) so I would hit the roof if he was paying for cam girls

Allsortsofroses · 05/12/2021 08:51

@JHMJHM

Sorry that was for *@MMmomDD*
MMmomDD's posts are always "interesting", shall we say.

Relationship counselling and a relationship "tune up" because a man, who agrees he has no problem with his relationship or sex life, has been paying online sex workers for live sex/masturbation sessions ... and spending money on other sex workers "private" photos.

Allsortsofroses · 05/12/2021 08:52

@HarrisonStickle

Why don't you suggest that, in order to help you process what's happened properly, you find a man to do the same with so that you will realise it's just a meaningless fantasy.

Let's see how supportive of that idea he is. And how happy he is when you initiate sex just after you've watched a show.

Like PP has said, he's only telling you about it because you found out, and is trying to minimise because he knows it's more than ordinary porn.

This.
Allsortsofroses · 05/12/2021 08:59

Fair's fair, you should get this too right; there are bound to be some mal escorts etc who'll sell you private pics and do a cam.session with him wanting etc for you.

The cost should obviously come out of your joint finances.

Except it'll never be fair because he's the one that brought this into your marriage, did it first, did it behind your back (and there's no fkg way anyone eith a brain doesn't realise this is crossing the line past non interactive, pre recorded porn), and you would never have been doing anything like this to him.

Allsortsofroses · 05/12/2021 09:00

*wanking etc. for you

Allsortsofroses · 05/12/2021 09:06

Like any addiction really. OP, do you think your husband would be willing to accept and work on overcoming the porn addiction which has completely normalised him interacting sexually with other women and cheating on his wife?

Wow, a poster who can diagnose op's h with a porn addiction from a few posts online having no idea what his use of porn is (regularity etc), having ne er met him, never talked to.him etc. Also porn addictions are generally typified by the user forgoeming sex with their partner for porn use, bit op has vlearly stated that have a good sex life, and he agrees they have no relationships or sex life problems.

But somehow him choosing to nit sex workers "private" images, and pay sex workers for "cam.sex" means he has a porn addiction.

And op should of course, support the poor pet through this "addiction".

Allsortsofroses · 05/12/2021 09:09

the porn addiction which has completely normalised him interacting sexually with other women and cheating on his wife?

Perhaps his own values, boundaries & character normalised him interacting sexually with other women and cheating on his wife, rather than a "porn addiction"??

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