DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

If hrs given the opportunity to say that's it; he will most certainly run with it (he'll run with it like the All Black's best player when they get a hold of a rugby ball) .... while thinking "phew, I'm getting away with this, they're even making excuses for me, absolving me of my responsibility".

Whether there's much truth at all in it is another matter however.

If we go with rhe theory that all men who pay for sex worker's private photos participate in cam sex with sex workers (and include the knew who are meeting sex workers in person for their services, because thats the next level, right) are potentially the "victims" of porn adduction (and those pesky porn sites "traps" and lures for the poor dears who can exercise critical thinking in every other aspect of their lives) ..... then we are excusing and accepting everything they do under the umbrella of (unproven" porn adduction, and condemning women to staying with them, abd accepting their behaviour to date, while they try to resolve their (potentially non existent) porn adduction.

A good portion of men just like extra on the side (while denying through partners extra on the side), and feel entitled to it (in cases like this thry may feel this is mild compared to what they could be doing, and a reasinsble concession to being married) ; that's as likely an explanation as a porn addiction (esp.for a man who apparently shows no classic signs of a porn addiction eg little oe no sex with partner, being caught constantly using porn, using porn during working hours and/or in inappropriate places etc).

*while denying their partners extra on the side

@Chocaholic9

Paying a woman for this is cheating, in my book. Men know this fully. They just expect not to be found out.

Yep.

Than you all for your input.

DC have gone spend time with their cousins today so we can have a proper conversation without being interrupted.

He has told me he is desperate to save our marriage repeatedly. I am still not sure on this point. I have told him that I need him to be completely honest with me or else our marriage ends on the spot. He has agreed to this (I am aware I only have his word for this one). I will update on the discussion later.

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life. I was surprised by this as we have always made an effort to not let that part of our relationship slide since DC. I have told him that this is in no way an excuse or justification for his actions as he had the choice to talk to me about it and work on it and not jump straight on a webcam!! Ffs

Ask him how he’d feel if you were engaging in chatting to men on cams.

Chatting is an interesting word in this context.

I can't imagine most men staying with a partner who was purchasing a male escorts private (nude/intimate/sexual) images, and watching them indulging in sex "chat", watching them masturbate, and no doubt masturbating herself via Web cam.

If a man even stayed with a woman after finding this out, I'd imagine he'd feel free to do the same and more himself, and fidelity in their relationship would be a pretty nonexistent thing. The vast majority of men wouldbt take this shit; why do we expect women to, and namby pamby around with relationship counselling and other such bullshit.

Ol had said their relationship abs sex life wad good, abd he gad agreed.

If he changes his mind about that in counselling, it will only because he thinks it will get him off the hook about this.

@Teaaddict39 it is awful and makes you feel so low in yourself like I'm not good enough but they are.
I really dont know what to do as we have a child together , my head saying leave I dont know , I had a old phone that he gave our child to play on and had his google account up to it so shows everything hes been on and I found out that way.

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life. I was surprised by this as we have always made an effort to not let that part of our relationship slide since DC

He's bullshitting.

He previously agreed with you it's fine.

He's realising you a not letting this go, this is a big issue, and he's actually in danger of being broken up with ... and so he's changing his story and saying hes not happy with your sex life (wity a nice little implication that you're somehow to blame within that).

Even if this was true, which seems unlikely, all he has to do was talk to his wife and try to improve it, not cheat.

He's having you on.

He did what he fancied, never thought he'd get caught.... is now having to latch onto any excuse because he realises hevcpuld actually end up separated and later divorced as a result of it (and everyone will probably find out why).

If he changes his mind about that in counselling, it will only because he thinks it will get him off the hook about this.

Op I wrote that before your update.

It was always going to be "I'm not actually sathsfied with our sex life" or the addiction angle (or the depression angle) when he fully realised you're not dropping it and he's "in danger".

It's cheaters script and hes likely to be lying.

He wants to wrap you up in debates about your sex life and relationship; to keep your eye/the subject off his choices and the real reasons for them (selfish, entitled, low integrity, never thought hed get caught etc.)

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries

But he wasn't fair. Or honest.

He gradually revealed what he has been up to after you confronted him.

Why, oh fucking why are women made to feel overbearing or controlling if they call out men on their bad behaviour around sex? There may be a teeny tiny sliver of us that feels we 'arent enough' and men take that sliver and run roughshod over anything approaching decency and respect.

I bloody despair

OP
Do you find his behaviour palatable?
You do NOT have to accept it.

Men ( and yes, I'm sure women too) get away with so much in the guise of 'kink' or sexual preferences. They aren't protected characteristics

It’s all very well implying that people need to have counselling and be kind and indulge Hs somewhat after finding this kind of shit—I personally no longer was particularly interested in a sex life with them— however much I actually liked them, I think anyone thinking of staying needs to factor that they might feel like this into the equation too

He has told me he is desperate to save our marriage repeatedly.

Of course he is, hes in danger of going from.being a respectable, settled, married family man with a lovely wife & kids, all in the same household; to a separated man living with relatives or in a flat somewhere, doing all his own cooking, housework, laundry etc. while probably having to pay to keep his kids in their current home tol at least 18 ... everyone potentially finding out why he's been thrown out (skeezy, sleazy, unfaithful behaviour with sex workers via web cam behind his wife's back) ...... he has everything to lose.

He'll say anything he thinks will get you to engage and not separate, tk get himself pit of danger.

What the actual truth is, is another matter.

I would consider that cheating.

I draw the line on porn at any interaction and made that clear to DH at the beginning of our relationship Cam girls are 100% cheating in my book.

Also no doubt wifey was just fine in her compartment, and in the dark, until he got caught ..... now that he's been caught, and his marriage is in danger; wifey is central stage, and he loves her deeply, and can't lose her and blah blah blah.

He never intended to lose you when he did what he's done (more than once by the sounds of it), he thought he could have both. He never thought he'd get found out.

But whether him never actually intending to lose you/risk your relationship is more important than the fact that he's happy to do things that do risk your marriage/that might lose you, in the belief that you won't find out; is the question.

The sex life thing is a red herring and bullshit by the sounds of it. Hes a man desperately grabbing into any perceived life line at this point.

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life.

Nice way to shift the blame squarely onto you OP!

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life

Wow!! So suddenly now this is your fault, and rather than address you he thought paying cyber prostitutes was the answer..

Fucking hell, please.

@Teaaddict39

Than you all for your input.

DC have gone spend time with their cousins today so we can have a proper conversation without being interrupted.

He has told me he is desperate to save our marriage repeatedly. I am still not sure on this point. I have told him that I need him to be completely honest with me or else our marriage ends on the spot. He has agreed to this (I am aware I only have his word for this one). I will update on the discussion later.

I was shocked to discover he has, in fact, been unhappy with our sex life. I was surprised by this as we have always made an effort to not let that part of our relationship slide since DC. I have told him that this is in no way an excuse or justification for his actions as he had the choice to talk to me about it and work on it and not jump straight on a webcam!! Ffs

Maybe he is.

Because god only knows what he's been watching!

This is in no way down to you!

I think this is a ploy to blame you.

Op, if he tries to blame you for this, tell him to FUCK OFF! It was HIS CHOICE to do this, nothing to do with you!!
On the other hand, it’s proven time and time again by research that men do have a different view of cheating to women. I’m paraphrasing, but, in general, unless they are ACTUALLY shagging someone, for them, it’s not cheating…maybe a grey area, but not actually cheating. That’s why men find it so much easier to forgive an emotional affair….literally, if there is no physical dick involved, they seem to be able to overlook it? Before I get flamed, this is not all men of course and I am not at all agreeing with this sentiment, but it does seem to be a fairly consistent outcome of studies done on attitudes to infidelity,

after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries

Without even getting onto the paid cam "sex" .... you're married, you share finances, you have kids, he's been spending your joint/family money (50 50 starting point in a divorce) on private photos of sex workers when there are fifty fkg billion free puppies of every imaginable type of woman, in every imaginable scenario, in every imaginable outfit 100% for free*.

Given that he's presumably not brain dead; he therefore choose to look past all the free images and contact, and pay for particular women's (sexual) images. Presumablynbecausd he wants it to be personal/one in one/"real" etc.

That is crossing the line, abd he has no right to do that with your family money, before even getting on to the camming.

Some men can use porn without getting sycked into purchase of private images, and video calls for virtual sex/mutual masturbation etc. He's not one of them, he's gone there, and habingvsex wit you not long after camming a sex workers is particularly skeezy, inappropriate, hurtful.

I dint think you have a handle on his real.character, I'm very sorry.

Don't let him blame your sex life, this is not because of your sex life. He could have spoken to you. He's using it as a bullsjit excise, after been caught doing what his inclinations and values and lack of integrity led him to do.

@Buildingthefuture. I agree with you yes that is often the general attitude. When my H had an emotional affair and I found out about it many years after as he had written it all down , his first words to me upon confrontation were, ‘it was just a crush on my part , nothing physical happened ’ — this was a crush where he was going on business trips with this person , cozy twosome meals on said trips , texting a lot, popping round etc and to top that I have to read about his infatuation. He didn’t seem to get that to me it was more upsetting than a one night stand— I really don’t think many men have the same mindset as to what constitutes infidelity.

On the other hand, it’s proven time and time again by research that men do have a different view of cheating to women

Oh no they don't.

They gave exactly the same view of cheating when they're on the receiving end, its only when it them doing it, that they have such apparent difficulty recognising what is inappropriate/cheating.

That’s why men find it so much easier to forgive an emotional affair

I'd love to know the figures on that. I don't think they forgive emotional affairs more than women do.
And few affairs are purely emotional, esp in the digital age.

I really don’t think many men have the same mindset as to what constitutes infidelity.

Let's test that.

Op finds several male escorts whose looks she likes, she purchases intimate images of him with damily/household money, she has cam "sex" with more than one of them. They masturbate yo get instructions, encourage get to masturbate too, do skme dirty talk etc etc

Her hubby wouldn't consider that cheating??

Even now, of she did it after what hes done, would he even be all chilled about it.

I dont know any men who wouldn't consider it cheating.

The emotional affair debate is a slight derail here and not really relevant.