Hi everyone.
I’m 46 with two children, aged 14 and 18 and I’ve been seeing someone for three years that I was vaguely friendly with for 8 years prior to getting together.
We have now been together for just over 3 years. And the recurring issue is that he spends a lot of time at his house visiting his children and helping his ex wife out.
He says his children won’t come to his flat to see him because it’s too small and it’s inconvenient for them, and his 21 year old daughter has what we suspect is agoraphobia and doesn’t like to leave the house.
He still has all his tools stored at the house (which he often needs for work), he has a lot of clothes still there, has his paperwork there so he goes there to do admin (he says it’s because his flat is so small). He also has his post and all his deliveries sent there.
He’s a builder so if any work needs doing he goes and does it (which I understand), he also maintains his wife’s car and runs errands and covers any additional charges like parking fines. He also has the only ring doorbell app on his phone, so he gets an alert anyone knocks at the house.
He’s often there every day, sometimes quickly to pick something up, albeit usually when his ex is out at work, and he’ll often sit and watch a film and have lunch or dinner there - to keep his daughter company.
I totally understand that he wants to and should see his daughters and I totally understand that he wants to help his wife where necessary but I feel like it’s a lot and that he’s still very enmeshed with the family unit and the house.
Recently he said that his ex had become upset and that she thought they might get back together - he told me he’d assured her they wouldn’t.
Because of all that, I’ve said that I want him to sit down with his ex and clarify exactly what’s going on and that I think it’s time for him tell his daughters that he’s seeing me - but he’s said no.
He says they’ll always hate me because they’re close to their mum and won’t like the fact that he’s moved on. That there’s no point upsetting them unnecessarily because they’ll never meet me and I won’t be part of their lives.
He’s a fireman, and a few weeks ago he had a scary close call at work. He jokingly said to me after that if he’d died, I wouldn’t have been able to go to his funeral which really upset me.
I understand that he what’s to protect his daughters feelings and doesn’t want to look like the bad guy for leaving their mum, but after three years, I feel hurt and unimportant and like I’m his dirty secret and like he cares more about hurting their feelings than he does mine.
He’s saying I’ve got it all wrong, I’m thinking too much into it, and he’s effectively left his family and home for me and that should be enough and that proves how much he loves me. I feel very confused.
I’d love some advice please.
Thank you so much