My partner of 3 years won’t tell his children about us

[littlelokey]

Hi everyone.

I’m 46 with two children, aged 14 and 18 and I’ve been seeing someone for three years that I was vaguely friendly with for 8 years prior to getting together.

We have now been together for just over 3 years. And the recurring issue is that he spends a lot of time at his house visiting his children and helping his ex wife out.

He says his children won’t come to his flat to see him because it’s too small and it’s inconvenient for them, and his 21 year old daughter has what we suspect is agoraphobia and doesn’t like to leave the house.

He still has all his tools stored at the house (which he often needs for work), he has a lot of clothes still there, has his paperwork there so he goes there to do admin (he says it’s because his flat is so small). He also has his post and all his deliveries sent there.

He’s a builder so if any work needs doing he goes and does it (which I understand), he also maintains his wife’s car and runs errands and covers any additional charges like parking fines. He also has the only ring doorbell app on his phone, so he gets an alert anyone knocks at the house.

He’s often there every day, sometimes quickly to pick something up, albeit usually when his ex is out at work, and he’ll often sit and watch a film and have lunch or dinner there - to keep his daughter company.

I totally understand that he wants to and should see his daughters and I totally understand that he wants to help his wife where necessary but I feel like it’s a lot and that he’s still very enmeshed with the family unit and the house.

Recently he said that his ex had become upset and that she thought they might get back together - he told me he’d assured her they wouldn’t.

Because of all that, I’ve said that I want him to sit down with his ex and clarify exactly what’s going on and that I think it’s time for him tell his daughters that he’s seeing me - but he’s said no.

He says they’ll always hate me because they’re close to their mum and won’t like the fact that he’s moved on. That there’s no point upsetting them unnecessarily because they’ll never meet me and I won’t be part of their lives.

He’s a fireman, and a few weeks ago he had a scary close call at work. He jokingly said to me after that if he’d died, I wouldn’t have been able to go to his funeral which really upset me.

I understand that he what’s to protect his daughters feelings and doesn’t want to look like the bad guy for leaving their mum, but after three years, I feel hurt and unimportant and like I’m his dirty secret and like he cares more about hurting their feelings than he does mine.

He’s saying I’ve got it all wrong, I’m thinking too much into it, and he’s effectively left his family and home for me and that should be enough and that proves how much he loves me. I feel very confused.

I’d love some advice please.

Thank you so much

Surely you don't truly believe that he is not living a double life here? It is so obvious that it makes this post difficult to believe.

In your second sentence you say he spends a lot of time in “his” house. If he left his wife how on Earth is it “his”‘house?

Agree with others, you’re his bit on the side. He might have got a flat to give himself some space, if he’s not properly left the family has he?

He said he would never tell the kids about you I bet he’s not told the wife either?

You need to end this NOW, this relationship has zero future, nothing will change.

BUT he’s not left the family that should read

@ittakes2

Did you know you had used the word wife instead of ex wife in your op? Speaks volumes don’t you think?

As does the fact that the op says he goes back to “his” house

Bet his wife don’t know about you.

They are still together, never split up and his having an affair with you.

3 years!! How could you not see it?

You are his ‘ bit on the side’ you are not even the OW.
He’s having a grand old time. Still retains the family unit/home, He also has his own flat to escape to and also has you (his bit on the side )for sex. He doesn’t even have to put up with any grief from his ex and adult kids because he doesn’t even claim you after THREE years.
WTF

This is obviously a fake post written by a boring troll!

Come on. Nobody is stupid enough to believe the kind of lines this bloke is allegedly spinning.

Be honest OP. You’re the OW and you know you’re the OW. He’s promised to leave his wife for you but hasn’t because “the children will suffer/the wife won’t forgive him/”. But you know that if you admit that on here people will call you out on being the other woman, so you’re pretending that you don’t know that he’s still married so that people will have sympathy with you instead of telling it like it really is.

He's a fireman, he's a builder , and he's stil with his wife.

Recently he said that his ex had become upset and that she thought they might get back together - he told me he’d assured her they wouldn’t

That sounds like something he's telling you to try and keep you in place. It doesn't even make sense!

And the bit about you never being able to go to his funeral. He was setting boundaries, and telling you what your place is.

Are you even sure that you're the only other woman?

And the 'agoraphobic' daughter....
Does she go to uni? Is she on benefits? How is she functioning?

@PissyMum

Are they definitely properly separated? It sounds like your having an affair with him rather than an actual relationship

This. They don't sound separate at all, hence the secrecy. You sound like the bit on the side. I'm sorry for you OP they should know you exist. He has successfully kept you a secret for 3 years! Wow

@Rainbowheart1

This is obviously a fake post written by a boring troll!

I think that you are right

I knew someone who was knowingly the other woman for 40 years. she even had a child with the bloke.

She often said that if he died she might not even find out as no-one knew she existed. When he did die, her daughter was unable to attend his funeral, because his children didn’t know she existed. They did know about this woman by then, because the wife had died and they stayed together legitimately, although never lived together etc, but although they knew she had a daughter, they had no idea that she was their sister, and afaik to this day they still don’t, even though they do now have a relationship with the woman who used to be the OW.

Are they divorced?
Where does he sleep?
Where did he live during lockdowns?

I keep coming back to the funeral comment. That really does place you so far down the pack. He’s telling you where you are on his priority list. Why on earth is that ok for you?

Slightly missing the point but I'm baffled by the number of people who don't know firemen often have a significant side hustle.

Seems this chap is doing the same in his personal life too.

@HeartsAndClubs I worked with someone like this when I temped at uni. Exact same situation, child with him, siblings who didn't know the daughter. She cut a rather pathetic figure to be honest, constantly waiting for a call, any small crumbs he gave her were built up into loving gestures.
OP, don't be like this woman. You deserve better than crumbs.

You are the OW in every aspect that counts.

He sounds awful, but has been very honest about the boundaries and limitations of your relationship. Only you can decide you won't continue a relationship under those circumstances.

He's enjoying being the family man and also having a relationship with you.

Is he divorced?

Convenient that he has a job that involves working nights. Easily explains why he isn't at home.

Thank you all. No our relationship wasn’t an affair. We’d known each other for around 6 years before we got together, at the time he was sleeping in the spare room at home and had been for almost 5 years. His relationship was over as far as they were concerned. When it was obvious there was a connection between us I told him that under no circumstances would I enter into anything even close to a relationship with him unless he had ended his marriage officially and wasn’t living at home. He did eventually move out and three months later we started dating. He told me his wife was very needy and sensitive and as they’d been together since she was 16 and he was 17 he didn’t want to upset her any further or “abandon” and that his house was his pride and joy and he’d worded hard on/for it and wanted to maintain it because if/when he eventually sold up, it’d cost more to fix it up then it would doing it as he went along. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t think that was unreasonable.

And yes, he’s both a Fireman and a builder. Almost all firefighters bolster their income have two jobs because they work 4 day/night shifts.

So this is odd I know, but I’m 30 years of marriage his wife hasn’t met and if his friends and some of his extended family because she doesn’t like to socialise. She hadn’t met his closest friend of 20 years who lives a few streets away!

I’ve been to his fire station a few times, so they know about me, and I’ve met a lot of his friends. If we’re spending the night together it’s usually at my house when my kids spend the night at their dads. I have been to his flat and I do know he lives there and not at home.

About a year and s half ago, much to my surprise he said his wife was having a “meltdown” that she somehow saw on their joint email account (I know 🙄) that he’d booked a night at a hotel for my birthday. She called the hotel and put her through to our room, and I answered and she hung up and that was obviously confirmation that he was seeing someone. When I confronted him after he explained that he’d moved out, told her it was over but when he started seeing me he didn’t tell her as it was none of her business because they weren’t together. She was so upset apparently because it was so final.

Anyway, so the comment about leaving his wife and kids (21 & 24 year old daughters) for me was because I was the catalyst.

Thank you for your advice. Now I feel stupid and hurt and obviously need to take a good look at myself and my esteem.

Don't presume to know what a married couples life was and is like because you have heard one side of the story. He's sold you the script and you've bought into it completely.

Also he pushes to see me more, he guilts me and says he’s lonely sitting in his small flat alone every evening and wants to come and hang out with me and have dinner etc. I’d love that too and I did tell my children I was seeing him and had him over a few times but I stopped because I wasn’t happy with the fact that he goes to his house/helps his ex and wouldn’t tell his kids. I said when he tells his daughters, then I’ll tell my kids it’s serious and he can start spending time at my place in the evenings. He argued that it’s different because I have no need to be around his kids but he does need to be around mine (I need to be hold for my 14 year old daughter) and that I’m hindering our relationship,