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Original poster

ExH wants DS to share a room with him and his gf on holiday

258 replies

VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 15:47

To give some background I have a very acrimonious relationship with him: he had an affair with a colleague, lying, gaslighting etc. Now lives with her so I wasn't going crazy!

Whenever he doesn't get his own way it's always me that's unreasonable and he always plays the victim.

He wants to take DS abroad with his 'partner' next year, DS will be 14.5. He thinks it's ok for them to all share the same room. They did it this year and I didn't realise, I was quite shocked to be honest. It was in this country and only for a few days so he didn't have to get consent. He's asked for my consent this time as it's overseas.

I've said I think it's unacceptable for DS to share a room with his dad and another woman for 7-10 days and that he needs to get an apartment or a partitioned room so DS has some privacy.

Apparently this is unreasonable and makes the holiday too expensive. It will be my fault that DS doesn't get to go abroad if I refuse to back down.

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

If I was to go away with my partner and DS I wouldn't dream of the 3 of us sharing one room.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
OhPatti · 22/10/2021 17:41

@Bonsaibreaker

Op's already said 'DS doesn't even like me going in his room now unless I knock!'

Walking in to somebody's private room unannounced is different to knowing you are sharing a room with others don't you think?

Not in this context, no.
Dashel · 22/10/2021 17:42

I would leave the decision to your DS at 14 he is old enough to decide if he would rather go and share or stay behind and risk missing out on going abroad.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2021 17:43

It’s you who is making the drama op. Are you going to ask your son?

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:43

@Bonsaibreaker

Op's already said 'DS doesn't even like me going in his room now unless I knock!'

Walking in to somebody's private room unannounced is different to knowing you are sharing a room with others don't you think?

exactly

I'd not walk into my DD room, and yet I've shared a holiday room with her many time.

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:43

Of course it is.
The DS would not be in his private room he would know he was sharing it with others.

Just because he wants people to knock before coming in to his bedroom is not a definite no to sharing a room on holiday.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2021 17:44

@Bonsaibreaker

Op's already said 'DS doesn't even like me going in his room now unless I knock!'

Walking in to somebody's private room unannounced is different to knowing you are sharing a room with others don't you think?

Totally. I still share with my daughter at 24 but I’d not walk into Her room without knocking,
Bluntness100 · 22/10/2021 17:46

Op do you just enjoy the drama and having something to hold over your ex? I’ve no idea why he asked you quite frankly it’s not your decision and is nothing to do with you if your son is happy about it

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 17:52

I think it’s fine

oviraptor21 · 22/10/2021 17:54

I am pretty sure that if he could afford an apartment or separate rooms he would have chosen that option already.

Sounds like he could have afforded separate rooms if he hadn't already been on holiday this year. But he didn't choose that option.

However, OP still hasn't said what the DS thinks. Have to say, 14 year old me would prefer to stay at home than share a room with parents, let alone step parents.

DDUW · 22/10/2021 17:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:57

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

This is what's pissing you off isn't it?
Your DS has already shared a room with them and it appears he wasn't bothered as he didn't even tell you at the time.

How do you know she didn't pay for that holiday?

DP has paid for our breaks away while we both pay when we go away with DC.

Callixte · 22/10/2021 18:07

And no he hasn't got anywhere in mind, is just stamping his feet because I've questioned his proposal and said I'm not happy with it. This is confusing; he doesn't even have a destination for the trip yet but he's mentioned that wherever they decide to go everyone will share a room to keep it affordable?

I will say the cost of holiday and short-term accom has gone crazy recently, and that seems to be pretty much worldwide. Two years ago I'd have said you can usually find a two BR apartment (or at least a one BR where your son could have the living room for sleeping) for not that much more than a family room in a hotel, but at the moment I'm not sure that's the case. BUT if they've yet to choose a destination, then they can work in the cost of separate sleeping arrangements as part of the choice if it's needed. For example, you can def find a 2BR furnished apartment in Warsaw or Krakow for the price of a family hotel room of similar quality in Stockholm or Copenhagen.

It really depends on your son, though. If he shared when they travelled in the UK and didn't mention it, he couldn't have been too upset about it? Although 7-10 days is different from 2-3. I'd leave it up to your son to choose, but support him if he doesn't want to go or does but feels he needs a separate space.

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 18:13

I think you are making an issue out of nothing tbh, I almost always shared with my whole family on holiday.

I think the only reason to complain about this is if your son is uncomfortable with it. If he isn't, it's a non issue.

toocold54 · 22/10/2021 18:14

I’d just get him to speak to your son and see how your son feels. If your son doesn’t like it they’ll either have to get another room or he won’t go.

My DD (13) wouldn’t mind this at all but it depends how your son feels.

I had to share a room with my brother, sister and mum for a few months and it wasn’t that bad. Although as an adult I like my own space.

CovidCorvid · 22/10/2021 18:19

A friend of mine was recently in this situation but was the step mum, sharing a room with the 10yo boy. Mum found out afterwards and went nuts. The boy wasn’t fussed. People got changed in the loo. Nobody had sex. They used the room purely for sleeping and that was it, so very limited time spent in the room.

Mum made some nasty accusations and comments about it being a safeguarding issue and saying that my friend could have sexually assaulted the boy. She’s a total drama llama who thrives on causing problems. A rather robust solicitors letter was issued by my friend..so be careful what you say OP.

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 18:21

Sounds like he could have afforded separate rooms if he hadn't already been on holiday this year. But he didn't choose that option.

You present this as if that's the obvious solution, but I would not miss out on a whole different holiday just so a kid could have a seperate room on the other one, unless they felt strongly about not sharing (for a good reason.) People have different priorities.

Harlequin1088 · 22/10/2021 18:21

I have two stepsons and wouldn't even entertain the idea of sharing a room with one or both of them, certainly not for that length of time. No way.

This isn't fair on your son or your ex-husband's new partner. Why should they both be made to feel uncomfortable just so your ex can save a few bob?

Flowerpowwer6 · 22/10/2021 18:23

@NellieBertram

I don't see that it's a huge problem to be honest, lots of families share a room on holiday.
It's the other woman. She is not DS biological mother and at nearly 15 I think it's inappropriate.... I'm surprised OP Son was happy when it happened the first time Shock
Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 18:24

Harlequin

The son has already shared a room with his father and his partner last year I think.

Flowerpowwer6 · 22/10/2021 18:26

@aSofaNearYou

Sounds like he could have afforded separate rooms if he hadn't already been on holiday this year. But he didn't choose that option.

You present this as if that's the obvious solution, but I would not miss out on a whole different holiday just so a kid could have a seperate room on the other one, unless they felt strongly about not sharing (for a good reason.) People have different priorities.

As a grown woman how would you feel comfortable sharing a bedroom with a 15 year old? It's personal... I could not do it doesn't sit right with me. I would happily miss the holiday and let dad and Son bond together. That really should be first priority clearly gone a miss
Clymene · 22/10/2021 18:32

@aSofaNearYou

Sounds like he could have afforded separate rooms if he hadn't already been on holiday this year. But he didn't choose that option.

You present this as if that's the obvious solution, but I would not miss out on a whole different holiday just so a kid could have a seperate room on the other one, unless they felt strongly about not sharing (for a good reason.) People have different priorities.

A nearly 15 year old isn't a kid. They're a young person who deserves privacy. It's also really inappropriate for him to be sharing a room with his dad's girlfriend.
aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 18:32

As a grown woman how would you feel comfortable sharing a bedroom with a 15 year old? It's personal... I could not do it doesn't sit right with me. I would happily miss the holiday and let dad and Son bond together. That really should be first priority clearly gone a miss

Personally I might not feel comfortable sharing with a 15 year old boy, but presumably this woman is 🤷‍♀️

I don't really agree with the implication that she should be sitting it out due to her place in the list of priorities.

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 18:34

A nearly 15 year old isn't a kid. They're a young person who deserves privacy. It's also really inappropriate for him to be sharing a room with his dad's girlfriend.

Again, people have different views on whether a 15 year old NEEDS privacy on holiday, I never had it, sharing with my parents was the norm. I think that's fine for a week or so, to make the opportunity even affordable.

I get that the issue is somewhat different when one of the adults isn't the child's parent, but personally assuming people are changing in bathrooms etc I don't think it's a major issue.

SouthsideSally · 22/10/2021 18:35

Your son is almost 15. He can decide whether he gets to go on holiday with his dad or not and if you tried to test this by going to court you would lose. I understand this might be hard for you but to try to prevent him going away with his dad might make him resent you, not him.

AlexaShutUp · 22/10/2021 18:37

I don't see a problem with it, unless the ds himself is really uncomfortable with the arrangement. The girlfriend is an adult so she can choose to go or not go as she pleases.

If ds is uncomfortable, then he shouldn't feel under pressure to go, but he might also need to understand that there isn't enough money to pay for separate rooms so there will be fewer holidays as a result.

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