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Original poster

ExH wants DS to share a room with him and his gf on holiday

258 replies

VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 15:47

To give some background I have a very acrimonious relationship with him: he had an affair with a colleague, lying, gaslighting etc. Now lives with her so I wasn't going crazy!

Whenever he doesn't get his own way it's always me that's unreasonable and he always plays the victim.

He wants to take DS abroad with his 'partner' next year, DS will be 14.5. He thinks it's ok for them to all share the same room. They did it this year and I didn't realise, I was quite shocked to be honest. It was in this country and only for a few days so he didn't have to get consent. He's asked for my consent this time as it's overseas.

I've said I think it's unacceptable for DS to share a room with his dad and another woman for 7-10 days and that he needs to get an apartment or a partitioned room so DS has some privacy.

Apparently this is unreasonable and makes the holiday too expensive. It will be my fault that DS doesn't get to go abroad if I refuse to back down.

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

If I was to go away with my partner and DS I wouldn't dream of the 3 of us sharing one room.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
gogohm · 22/10/2021 17:20

I don't see a problem particularly, my dd shared with her parents until 18 and dps dd is fine with sharing with me (she's an adult) going on a girls weekend with my DD's. I'm surprised the adults don't want privacy though

Original poster
VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 17:21

She's not got any children of her own and possibly has never had a holiday abroad with a teenage boy - maybe I should just leave them to get in with it!

He's with me most of the time so she's never spent more than a few days at a time with him.

And no he hasn't got anywhere in mind, is just stamping his feet because I've questioned his proposal and said I'm not happy with it.

I'm sure if he looked he could find something suitable and we wouldn't even be having this, but he does like a drama!

OP posts:
Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:21

@Aquamarine1029

Well I've spent a week in one room with my DH and our 2 DD's... is it that weird?

That's not even remotely the same situation as op's son, is it? 🙄

But it is. Adults and children sharing a space.
Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:22

At 14 yo shouldn't it be down to your son not to be happy with it not you?

SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 17:23

Where will your son be kicked out to while they have sex?

GrandmasCat · 22/10/2021 17:23

If they know each other well, it is as weird as sharing a room as a family. If he has never met her, it may be too much to start with, but nothing that cannot be bridged if he has a good relationship with his dad.

But even if you disagree with the arrangements, you cannot force him to gat him a separate room, I bet that if he could afford it, he would have considered it already as that would allow him and his partner some privacy.

If he doesn’t have the money and you make a fuss of it, I can assure you the only thing you are going to get out of it is that your ex never takes his son on holidays with them. Simple as that.

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:24

@SunshineCake1

Where will your son be kicked out to while they have sex?
Do you think they may refrain for just one short period of time?

Honestly?

Bagelsandbrie · 22/10/2021 17:24

@SunshineCake1

Where will your son be kicked out to while they have sex?
People don’t always have to have sex when they go on holiday.
Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 17:25

@Weirdlynormal

You really don't appreciate the difference between parents and their children sharing a room as opposed to an adult who is unrelated to the child? Give over.

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:27

[quote Aquamarine1029]@Weirdlynormal

You really don't appreciate the difference between parents and their children sharing a room as opposed to an adult who is unrelated to the child? Give over.[/quote]
God no wonder blended families are so hard.

This is not unsupervised access!

You can create problems where none exist.

Don't get me wrong if I had to spend a week in a room with a smelly, farting 14 year old boy, I'd decline. You think the offended party here is the teenager Grin

OhPatti · 22/10/2021 17:28

@ThisMustBeMyDream

YABVVVVVU.

It's a holiday. For a short period. What's the issue? Surely they all get changed in the bathroom. What other problem can you envisage? This is making an absolute mountain out of a molehill. You're taking out your anger on your son, whom I assume would want to enjoy a holiday.

Stop being ridiculous. This is a non issue.

I suspect the OP's teenage son may not quite see things this way.

Quite apart from everything else, what if his partner's the type to parade around naked and sees no reason why the OP's son would have any problem with this?

I think you're the one who's BVVVVVU here calling other people ridiculous just because you don't see the issue.

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:28

[quote Aquamarine1029]@Weirdlynormal

You really don't appreciate the difference between parents and their children sharing a room as opposed to an adult who is unrelated to the child? Give over.[/quote]
oh and if we really want to get into it. Sexual assault is mainly undertaken by family members. Male on female

This really isn't up there as an issue.

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:29

I suspect the OP's teenage son may not quite see things this way

Ask him

layladomino · 22/10/2021 17:29

Step family relationships aren't so different to 'bio' families. It depends on how long they have been together though. So no, a step parent and step child sharing isn't automatically dangerous or uncomfortable. It really depends on how everyone feels about it, and the age of the child is key. Your son and also ex's new gf. I think this could be worse for her!

Topseyt · 22/10/2021 17:31

I don't think you are unreasonable to object at all.

When we were teenagers and still going on holidays with our parents they would hire one room for them and one for me and my sister. We would all have been uncomfortable otherwise.

I think a 14 year old needs their own space and privacy. I certainly did at that age. What does your DS think though? You aren't really saying.

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:34

But why is the OP objecting?
She is going.

Has OP spoken to her DS and he's said he doesn't want to share so she is objecting on his behalf or is it that the OP hasn't asked him how he feels and is objecting for her own reasons which are??

Floralnomad · 22/10/2021 17:34

I think at that age your son needs to tell his dad that he either is or isn’t happy with the arrangements , it’s really not for you to be doing it . If your son doesn’t feel able to approach his dad he could always write him a letter or do it on the phone so it’s a more controlled situation . I should imagine that your ex will simply say that he won’t be able to go .

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:35

but he does like a drama!

He isn't making the drama you are.

SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 17:35

@Bagelsandbrie @Weirdlynormal

The ex doesn't strike me as someone who would happily go without for the sake of his son. It's not like he's putting him first already.

Obviously I know people can go a while without sex Hmm.

I only said bluntly what others were alluding to, coyly.

GrandmasCat · 22/10/2021 17:36

I am pretty sure that if he could afford an apartment or separate rooms he would have chosen that option already.

The only thing that you are going to get out of dictating the terms of their holidays is for your child to be left behind, which is ok if he doesn’t want to go, but if you are making such a fuss, you may be forcing your kid to say he doesn’t want to go, when in fact he may want to go but doesn’t want to upset you.

MintJulia · 22/10/2021 17:37

Yanbu. That's either quite creepy or your ex is only focused on his own wants and his own wallet, and can't be bothered to consider how his son might feel.

I'd support whatever your ds wants to do.

OhPatti · 22/10/2021 17:37

@Weirdlynormal

I suspect the OP's teenage son may not quite see things this way

Ask him

Op's already said 'DS doesn't even like me going in his room now unless I knock!'

I suspect this answers the question.

freelions · 22/10/2021 17:38

The only relevant opinion is that of your DS

If he doesn't mind then it is a non issue

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:39

Op's already said 'DS doesn't even like me going in his room now unless I knock!'

Walking in to somebody's private room unannounced is different to knowing you are sharing a room with others don't you think?

OhPatti · 22/10/2021 17:40

[quote SunshineCake1]**@Bagelsandbrie* @Weirdlynormal*

The ex doesn't strike me as someone who would happily go without for the sake of his son. It's not like he's putting him first already.

Obviously I know people can go a while without sex Hmm.

I only said bluntly what others were alluding to, coyly.[/quote]
Some people would try to do it sneakily under the covers when they think the 'child' is asleep. Obviously I can't comment on whether the OP's ex and his partner would, but some would. Imagine how that would make a teenage boy feel. I'm amazed some people think the OP's making an issue out of nothing.

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