ExH wants DS to share a room with him and his gf on holiday

[VivaVegas]

To give some background I have a very acrimonious relationship with him: he had an affair with a colleague, lying, gaslighting etc. Now lives with her so I wasn't going crazy!

Whenever he doesn't get his own way it's always me that's unreasonable and he always plays the victim.

He wants to take DS abroad with his 'partner' next year, DS will be 14.5. He thinks it's ok for them to all share the same room. They did it this year and I didn't realise, I was quite shocked to be honest. It was in this country and only for a few days so he didn't have to get consent. He's asked for my consent this time as it's overseas.

I've said I think it's unacceptable for DS to share a room with his dad and another woman for 7-10 days and that he needs to get an apartment or a partitioned room so DS has some privacy.

Apparently this is unreasonable and makes the holiday too expensive. It will be my fault that DS doesn't get to go abroad if I refuse to back down.

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

If I was to go away with my partner and DS I wouldn't dream of the 3 of us sharing one room.

Am I being unreasonable??

We're on holiday at the moment. 2 parents and a 9 year old. Hubby wanted one room as its massively cheaper- I booked a one bedroom. It's 26 degrees and sex is definitely not on the agenda! In fact I'm sharing the bedroom with my 9 year old as hubby's snoring is so bad my desire to fling him over the balcony may become overwhelming. We're spending very little time in the room and use the bedroom or bathroom for changing for privacy.

Going against the general opinion here but we get a family room for us. That's Dd 9, DH, me and Dss has always been offered another room but chooses to stay in with us

I prefer it because I know he's in with us of a night and safe.

We have one family holiday a year and we always take him. It's worked well for the last few years. Next year he will be again offered his own room and he'll be 16 but I will be surprised if he takes it. Plus I'd be in pins worrying about him if he went out and didn't tell us. Which at 16 he might.

It's not like we get changed In front of each other and we are only in the room to sleep we are all out during the day. He does slope off sometimes to the room but not that much.

It's whatever works for you all.

His mum knows the sleeping arrangements and she prefers him in with us as we are abroad for holidays and she knows he's safe.

@Bonsaibreaker point taken. If everyone's fine with it then there's no problem.

I think it depends on what your son thinks.
Lots of people share rooms with strangers - think backpackers sharing dorm rooms at youth hostels or those sleeper trains.
It depends really on the room configuration - small room maybe not - giant room might be OK.
My bigger concern is does this mean he will be sleeping on a sofabed? If he is tall at 14.5 years old than he might not be comfortable.
Price is an issue with overseas holidays - two rooms is double the price.

@ThisMustBeMyDream

YABVVVVVU.

It's a holiday. For a short period. What's the issue? Surely they all get changed in the bathroom. What other problem can you envisage? This is making an absolute mountain out of a molehill. You're taking out your anger on your son, whom I assume would want to enjoy a holiday.

Stop being ridiculous. This is a non issue.

Completely agree with this

I don't see it as being a problem, most hotel rooms you have to share as a family. It costs extra to have an extra room, and some hotels just have the one room for a family.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Not if they're expected to undress in front of other people and dislike doing so, no.

For what reason do you think he is expected to do this @ohpatti

What I was getting at wasn't anything to do with 'coercion' or safeguarding issues or indeed anything unsavoury at all. It's more about potential embarrassment, and the fact that different people have different boundaries around personal nudity. As I mentioned in a previous post, if the ex's partner is the sort to be 'open' about these things then the poor ds could end up copping an eyeful he doesn't want. Or someone could forget to lock the bathroom door. Or the ex could come strolling out of the bathroom stark bollock naked seeing no issue in this because 'we're all family innit?'. Or they could decide to have a furtive shag thinking the poor boy's asleep when he isn't.

Obviously, I don't know any of the people concerned and have no idea whether any of these scenarios might present themselves. All I'm saying is they can and do arise, through reasons of excessive openness rather than anything nefarious, and I can only imagine the embarrassment for a teenage boy if they did.

Or someone could forget to lock the bathroom door.
Erm that can happen at home... DS 19 yo walked in on me mid wee as I forgot to lock the door just this week. Does that mean he is no longer safe to live in my home?

Or the ex could come strolling out of the bathroom stark bollock naked seeing no issue in this because 'we're all family innit?'

It's his dad. He already shares a house with him so if he does this at home it will come as no shock to DS if his dad does it on holiday.

Or they could decide to have a furtive shag thinking the poor boy's asleep when he isn't.

They went on holiday last year shared a room and as far as we know managed not to share while teenage DS was in the room.

It seems you are very much lime the OP.
Looking for drama where none exists. It's people like you that screw kids up!

I can just see it now. Dad and girlfriend getting it on thinking they are being slick and that the kid won't notice. And they'll be doing an entire porn movie in front of your kid. Anyone who thinks this setup is okay is obviously not someone with good boundaries. There is no way in HELL my kid would be in a bedroom with my ex and his new boo thang (that's US slang for sex partner). No no no no no. The kid doesn't even want his MOM in his room. Now he is expected to share a room with some random chick and his Dad for over a week? No. Tell Dad let's take it to court and see who wins then.

It seems you are very much lime the OP.
Looking for drama where none exists. It's people like you that screw kids up!

You are over the line with the last sentence. If you read this thread properly you will see I am not the only one who holds these views. Are all those people screwing their kids up too?

Definitely not a problem as far as I can see. Loads of families have to share rooms on holidays.

Look on it as a contraceptive for your EH.

My ExH and his partner did this. They went away and my daughter went with them. She's 12. Found out afterwards that she'd stayed on a mattress on the floor in the same room as them 🤔. I don't know why but it made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I didn't say anything as I didn't want a confrontation BUT that was just a few nights. For that long I think I would say something tbh xx

I don't see the problem.. adults share rooms no problem. I've shared accommodation with friends as an adult. Still do now sometimes. In a caravan/motorhome everybody sleeps in the same space. We did as teens with our parents. It wouldnt bother me if my kids shared a room on holiday with their dad and gf. I'm sure they wouldnt do anything with teenagers!

(As long as your son is fine about it. If he doesn't want to go if he has to share a room then that's different)

I'd have zero problems with this. Ask your son what he wants. Mind you, when my son is with his dad I don't have any jurisdiction over what they do or don't do. You can voice your thoughts, of course, but regardless of what we think on the internet it's his and your son's decision.

@Cimone

I can just see it now. Dad and girlfriend getting it on thinking they are being slick and that the kid won't notice. And they'll be doing an entire porn movie in front of your kid. Anyone who thinks this setup is okay is obviously not someone with good boundaries. There is no way in HELL my kid would be in a bedroom with my ex and his new boo thang (that's US slang for sex partner). No no no no no. The kid doesn't even want his MOM in his room. Now he is expected to share a room with some random chick and his Dad for over a week? No. Tell Dad let's take it to court and see who wins then.

You can see it now in your own vivid imagination, you mean? Because it's not likely they would have sex with a teenager in the room, much less "doing an entire porn movie".

I had to step away from the thread as it was making me feel ill, I hate all the drama and stress that goes with having a child where part of their life you're not entitled to have a say in.

I have briefly spoken to my son about it who would prefer his own room so he can 'do his own thing'. I haven't made a big deal out of it with him.

I don't know the woman well, DS spends a few days with them at a time but has never been with them for a week or 10 days before.

I do have issues and concerns over both my ex and her boundaries and what's acceptable behaviour, not just because of their affair, but specific instances of previous poor judgement such as they used to meet up behind my back when we were still married with our son there.

As such I do worry about whether his feelings/needs are ever really top of their priorities.

Now I need to decide what to do in the best interest of everyone.

At 14 yes its weird. Would probably be a bit uncomfortable for a 14 year old to sleep in the same room as his parents never mind his dads girlfriend!

I have briefly spoken to my son about it who would prefer his own room so he can 'do his own thing'. I haven't made a big deal out of it with him.

Wanting a room of his own to do his own thing is not the same thing as being uncomfortable about it. Most people would theoretically like their own room, it doesn't sound like a strong feeling on his part.

As for their boundaries, well, the honeymoon period is likely over, so they will probably be able to go 10 days without having sex.

I think the right and best thing to do would be to ask your DS if he'd rather share a room, or not go. He's capable of making the decision, it doesn't need any more analysis than that.

Sorry OP, it feels like it's more about your negative feelings re your ex and gf and your own loss of control when your DS is with them, than a real concern for your son. Preferring his own room isn't the same as him saying he isn't willing to share. And that's the only information you have given us about your son's viewpoint.

I can understand your feelings, but in this case, it's your son's feelings that matter.

I would never inflict my physical presence in the same space as my DSCs.
I would be uncomfortable, so would they, it is disrespectful to them, especially at that age.
Also, she clearly has no idea how discusting teenage boys are

I can't see the problem.

I remember going away with my Dad and his (then) GF when I was a child with my brother. I was maybe 12, brother was 10. We all shared a room for a week, no bother. We got changed in the bathroom for privacy. They had a double bed and my brother and I had singles.

Later, when I was about 19 I chose to go on holiday with my Dad and SM (they'd married in the interim) and as there were two rooms available I shared with my SM and my Dad and brothers (I had a half brother by then too) shared. Again, no issue. We rather liked having a female room with no men making a mess We did (do) have a good relationship though, I'd still go away with her myself now and I'm 37.

I think the fact that you don't like them (for good reason!) is colouring your judgement. They're only going to be sleeping! Would you have an issue sharing a room with your 14 year old, and he you? If not, why is it an issue for his Dad to do to? Assuming his GF isn't some sort of abuser, in which case obviously your son wouldn't be near her anyway then it really isn't an issue.

I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate - I've shared hotel rooms with my teenage kids and been camping with them too. What's inappropriate is two things: that your ex-h isn't willing to have an adult conversation about this and listen to your and you ds's views without twisting it to create his own meanings; and surely he and is partner want to have sex on holiday. That's normal. So I'd imagine there will be times when your dh is told to go off and do his own thing for a couple of hours, which isn't really on if he doesn't have his own space or companions his own age.

@seventyfits

I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate - I've shared hotel rooms with my teenage kids and been camping with them too. What's inappropriate is two things: that your ex-h isn't willing to have an adult conversation about this and listen to your and you ds's views without twisting it to create his own meanings; and surely he and is partner want to have sex on holiday. That's normal. So I'd imagine there will be times when your dh is told to go off and do his own thing for a couple of hours, which isn't really on if he doesn't have his own space or companions his own age.

They are your kids though. The dynamics are totally different. You live together on a daily basis. Share the same loo and bathroom... wake up and see each other in PJ'S. This is normal because they are your kids.

They are your kids though. The dynamics are totally different. You live together on a daily basis. Share the same loo and bathroom... wake up and see each other in PJ'S. This is normal because they are your kids

I would imagine DS shares a bathroom with his dad and gf when stays at his fathers home. I would also think they have likely seen each other in pyjamas.
Didn't the OP say that DS had already shared a room with them on holiday last year or have I mixed up my threads?