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Original poster

ExH wants DS to share a room with him and his gf on holiday

258 replies

VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 15:47

To give some background I have a very acrimonious relationship with him: he had an affair with a colleague, lying, gaslighting etc. Now lives with her so I wasn't going crazy!

Whenever he doesn't get his own way it's always me that's unreasonable and he always plays the victim.

He wants to take DS abroad with his 'partner' next year, DS will be 14.5. He thinks it's ok for them to all share the same room. They did it this year and I didn't realise, I was quite shocked to be honest. It was in this country and only for a few days so he didn't have to get consent. He's asked for my consent this time as it's overseas.

I've said I think it's unacceptable for DS to share a room with his dad and another woman for 7-10 days and that he needs to get an apartment or a partitioned room so DS has some privacy.

Apparently this is unreasonable and makes the holiday too expensive. It will be my fault that DS doesn't get to go abroad if I refuse to back down.

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

If I was to go away with my partner and DS I wouldn't dream of the 3 of us sharing one room.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Cheshirebloke · 22/10/2021 16:44

@ThisMustBeMyDream

YABVVVVVU.

It's a holiday. For a short period. What's the issue? Surely they all get changed in the bathroom. What other problem can you envisage? This is making an absolute mountain out of a molehill. You're taking out your anger on your son, whom I assume would want to enjoy a holiday.

Stop being ridiculous. This is a non issue.

I think it is an issue. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with it. I'd probably tolerate it as a last resort (which it doesn't sound to be in this situation), but only if the lad is fine with it himself.

What if the sexes were reversed would you feel the same - a teenage girl being asked to share with her mum and mum's boyfriend?

OtterAndDog · 22/10/2021 16:50

What does your son think ?

sunshinelover69 · 22/10/2021 16:52

I think you leave it to your son to decide if he's comfortable with it - it's up to him really.

FWIW I have a 14yo stepson and I wouldn't want to share a room with him on holiday, and I think he would feel the same. When we've arranged holidays with the kids we've rented apartments where everyone has had their own room. If money isn't an issue for your ex then I'm sure he could arrange this if he wanted to.

ButterflyAway · 22/10/2021 16:55

At 14 I’d put the decision in his hands.

Original poster
VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 16:55

And I'm trying to look at this from how I feel I would act in this situation.

If my partner suggested I go on holiday with him and his teenage daughter and suggested all 3 of us shared, I'd be really uncomfortable with this and would want separate rooms/sleeping areas or if too expensive I'd suggest they just went together without me.

I'd also expect that if I told my ex that I was going away with our son and my partner and the 3 of us were sharing that he wouldn't be very happy with that at all. And I wouldn't blame him.

I do try and judge if what is acceptable based on what I'd do in the situation and I just find this weird.

Unfortunately DS will open up to me but won't to his dad, says he just shouts at him. He has a foul temper, but that's another issue.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 22/10/2021 16:57

I think if your son is happy with it then it’s absolutely fine, surely! We were planning to go to New York before Covid struck and there would have been me, dh, Ds aged 9 and dd aged 16 all sharing a room - dd isn’t dhs but he’s been her step dad since she was 5. We actually thought it was all quite fun sharing a room together, dd and Ds were going to share a double bed and we’d have the other. Changing clothes etc we would have just used the bathroom obviously. We never went in the end due to Covid but we couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise and who wants to separate into different rooms on holiday?

I think it’s weird to think it’s weird!!

LoveGoldberg · 22/10/2021 16:57

I went on holiday as a 12ish year old with my dad and his girlfriend and had this set up and felt really uncomfortable. I felt like I was intruding and sat in the corner of their bedroom, I also found it overwhelming because I never had any time away from them the entire time we were there.

I think you need to ask your son and make it clear that it’s his decision and any answer is ok.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2021 16:58

You need to ask your son. It’s that simple. The two of you need to act like grown ups and stop arguing and simply ask him. He’s old enough to have an opinion and have it listened to.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/10/2021 16:58

Could your ex be trying to manipulate you into offering to pay for an additional room?

viques · 22/10/2021 17:01

I wonder if he has run this plan in front of the GF yet, “Darling, it’s going to be a wonderfully romantic holiday, you , me and a 14 and a half year old all in together.” Hope there is a large and soundproof bathroom if only so she can go in there and scream loudly on day 3.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2021 17:03

SO the problem is then that your son will be uncomfortable with it but that he doesnt feel able to talk to his father without him shouting at him.

Then maybe going away with him isnt the best idea anyway even with a one bedroom apartment if that is the case

Talk to your son - say that actually your ex has given you an out and you are prepared to be the one to say no if he isnt comfortable with it.

Whataday21 · 22/10/2021 17:04

Yes but the son might say yes as he feels he has no choice.

CovidCorvid · 22/10/2021 17:07

What does your DS actually think? He might be fine with it. If not your ex should be looking for alternative accommodation. When Dd was a teen we couldn’t really afford two hotel rooms…..but a one bed place in an apartment block with a sofa bed in the living room was normally the same price. You can even get such set ups in some hotels/AI places if that’s what he wants.

TheCraicDealer · 22/10/2021 17:08

Ask your son.

In your shoes I'd tell him he can be honest and I wouldn't be annoyed either way. If he doesn't want to share with them then I would say that he should be upfront with his dad, but that if he really doesn't want to then I've no worries being the bad guy this time.

If he can't afford some privacy for his teenage son and new partner then he can't afford the holiday. I'm surprised she's happy to go along with it tbh, I'd be reluctant to share a single room with my own kids for that long never mind a step child of the opposite sex who she's probably not super close with.

Of course your XH could just pretend he's booked two rooms and then announce "Surprise, we're sharing! Isn't this cosy?!" when they get there.

jackstini · 22/10/2021 17:11

1 - ask your son what he wants to do
2 - what's the difference in price? Agree he should be able to get something with a partition or an apartment, or is it a specific hotel and is he saying he would have to have 2 separate rooms?

Couldhavebeenme3 · 22/10/2021 17:12

@NellieBertram

I don't see that it's a huge problem to be honest, lots of families share a room on holiday.
I'd share with my 14yo and younger sibling if it was the 3 of us, but my boyfriend and 14yo, abroad, for 10 days? Nah. Both sides need privacy/personal space.
girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 17:12

I wouldn't be comfortable with this.
I wouldn't ever expect a teenager to ever share a room with parents to be honest, and she's not even his parent.

I know people do but I think everyone's entitled to their privacy.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 22/10/2021 17:13

OTOH, it could be an interesting experiment in Karma for your ex and ow...

Kiduknot · 22/10/2021 17:15

I’d leave the decision up to your son and tell him that you are prepared to be the bad guy saying no, if he doesn’t to want to.

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:16

Well I've spent a week in one room with my DH and our 2 DD's... is it that weird?

We had a family room, but could go in the ensuite to change.

Might be a pain, but really I couldn't get worked up about it... unless I wanted to.

shinynewapple21 · 22/10/2021 17:16

I agree at 14.5 your son needs some privacy when away with his dad and new partner . It would be different if it was his mum and dad he was away with .

I would be surprised if your ex's partner wasn't also in agreement .

shinynewapple21 · 22/10/2021 17:18

@Weirdlynormal no, that's not weird . But it's a completely different situation to the one in the OP.

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 17:18

I think it is down to the child in the end.

DP and I shared a 2 double bed hotel room with DTD 14 YO for 2 nights this year. DP has been in their life since they were 4 yo and we asked them before we booked if it would be an issue. They said no.

We all got changed in the bathroom and there was no embarrassment from anyone.

I just had a bit of a OMG moment reading this thread so asked DD if she was honestly OK with it and she said "yeah we only slept, it was fun staying up late and chatting" her only complaint was that her sister star fishes Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 17:18

Well I've spent a week in one room with my DH and our 2 DD's... is it that weird?

That's not even remotely the same situation as op's son, is it? 🙄

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2021 17:20

[quote shinynewapple21]@Weirdlynormal no, that's not weird . But it's a completely different situation to the one in the OP. [/quote]
Well not really.

Frankly if I were the adult woman in this situation I'd be more concerned about a teenage boy in my room! - most probably unjustly.

I find life is a lot easier if everyone is positive and calm, but hey ho

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