Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

[Wedowonder]

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

[Wedowonder]

Thank you for your words of support. I feel very dramatic as things aren't awful. But they aren't good.
I'm very upset this evening. I just don't really know what to do/say.
I have some very long days at work from tomorrow, so I won't talk to dh about it now, but perhaps next week when I've had some time to think about what I'm going to say.

[Quartz2208]

OP I hate to ask but how long have you been together and how old are you - it was noticeable in good you said faithful - which of course he is because he has worn

I dont think you are being dramatic - in many ways I think you are so downtrodden and broken down by it all you dont see how awful it is.

Because it truly is

[Wauden]

So sorry that it is like that and I do wish you all the best.

[RosiePosieDozy]

I don't like the sound of this. He sounds like a sex pest. I couldn't live like this. To not be able to cuddle your partner in case they want sex and you don't is really wrong.

The waking you up in the middle of the night makes me feel sick. He's like an animal.

He's not treating you like his wife who he loves but is using you for sex.

[BrilloPaddy]

This thread must be a tough read, OP

But I really hope it's given you some insight into the situation.

[category12]

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

[TheEvilPea]

OP this is awful. I feel so sorry for you and it's concerning that you're minimising it in some comments, or laughing it off. Your husband is being abusive. You say you've discussed the situation many times and yet he continues these behaviours. It's time to leave. Aside from your own wellbeing, I would not want a 3 and 4 year old growing up with someone like that in their home.

[FluffyWhiteBird]

@Wedowonder

A few of you asking me why I don't put my foot down and say no.

I do, occasionally.

But he is so grumpy when I do. He often gives the silent treatment which kills me more every time.

(When I say silent treatment. He does speak and function, to speak about essential things with my children etc. But won't engage/pretends I'm not there and walks around with a miserable face for days.

When I write all this down, it sounds like he's a tyrant of a husband. In reality, he isn't awful. He's a good dad, faithful. I am likely making things sound worse than they are, because I am in the moment and frustrated/upset.

No, you're right, it is how it sounds. That's abuse. Coercive control. You're not choosing to have sex, you're doing it to avoid negative consequences. That's not consent and he is awful.

[FluffyWhiteBird]

feel very dramatic as things aren't awful

You're not dramatic. "Awful" is your normal now so you don't see it any more. But you feel it. It's why you started the thread.

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds emotionally abusive; he’s coercing you into sexual contact when he sulks if you say no. There’s a word for men like that. Don’t minimise this; it’s not ok, not normal.

[smoko]

OP can I ask

• what happens when you’re ill?
  
• how long would you say you could go without having sex (penetrative or oral sex) if you were ill?
  
• does he touch you unwontedly in your sleep?
  
• Does he grope you when walking past, or when you’re stuck somewhere like at the sink?
  
• Do you tense when he walks past due to any groping behaviour?
  
• if your husband told you the way you were touching him was unwanted or made him feel uneasy or unloved how do you think you would react/respond to this?

[Oblomov21]

Sounds abusive to me. He's a pig. No wonder you don't like it.

[Anothernick]

Not sure if any other men have answered this but it's true that cuddling can lead to erections, this reaction is a natural process not entirely within a man's control, however what is in his control is to understand that his DP can't be expected to see cuddling as an inevitable prelude to sex. Erections don't have to lead anywhere. Most men learn this as teenagers. It's also true that a man's instinctive reaction after sex can be to roll over and go to sleep, or get up and do something else, but another early lesson men learn is that women MUST ALWAYS be cuddled after sex. A man who has not learned these two basic facts is not fully developed sexually and as other have said the OPs DH is completely out of order in his attitude.

[billy1966]

@Wedowonder

Thank you for your words of support. I feel very dramatic as things aren't awful. But they aren't good.
I'm very upset this evening. I just don't really know what to do/say.
I have some very long days at work from tomorrow, so I won't talk to dh about it now, but perhaps next week when I've had some time to think about what I'm going to say.

Please call Womens aid as a safe place to unload frankly, and get a sympathetic ear.

No wonder you are very upset.

Yours is a very upsetting thread to read.

You poor woman.

[smoko]

There’s worse things than being single & cheated on. Being sexually coerced / abused for one.

You know who is great for cuddles, company & protection? A dog.

[smoko]

You can also easily train a dog to not wildly hump your leg

Op

[layladomino]

Oh Op, I really feel for you.

It's really sad that your DH doesn't want to cuddle you / hug you for the sake of just that. It's a very different emptional experience to foreplay, and a way to be intimate, support each other emotionally, show you've got time for each other, that you enjoy being close (not in a sexual way) etc.

Whereas he's telling you that he doesn't see the point of being close to you if it doesn't end up in sex.

That's sad in itself. But then add to that the fact he knows it upsets you but still won't change - so he doesn't care that he's upsetting you either.

He is hellbent on servicing his sexual needs but doesn't think your emotional needs are important.

And even if he feels horny when you cuddle - so what? He seems to believe that if he feels horny then he's entitled to sex and you are obliged to go along with it. Can you see how wrong that is?? He feels he is entitled to sex when he wants it. Even if his wife doesn't. Even if it makes her feel worthless. Even whilst he's ignoring the fact he's not meeting her emotional needs.

[Therealjudgejudy]

Your husband is a vile bullying pig.

You really need some boundaries introducing op

[toocold54]

I know you keep saying the relationship isn’t awful but honestly the intimacy is one of the best bits of a relationship and it makes me really sad that you can’t even cuddle your own partner!

Its also sad that he’s manipulated you so much that you regularly give him oral sex instead of having sex because you’re ‘too tired’ and not try to cuddle him afterwards as ‘that’s not what men do’ - I don’t think you even realise how manipulative he is.
Even if he doesn’t like cuddling all night he would spend some time doing it because you like doing it.

I think you should think about other aspects of your relationship and really think about whether things are on your terms or are they things that he’s made you think are on your terms but actually it’s all for him. So is he manipulative in other ways.

[Cherrysoup]

He’s not a nice man, is he? Manipulates you into giving him what he wants, gropes you, denies you any affection, just wants sex and sulks when you say no. Classic sex pest. Euw.

[Viddy2021]

[quote whyamidoingthisamimad]@Viddy2021 sorry you misunderstood
I'm saying in what world is once a week and several times giving him other pleasure infrequent [/quote]
Sorry! Ok so we're in the same universe then

[Mix56]

MNHQ, I said absolutely nothing worthy of deleting.
Simply asking if there are other abusive behaviours

[Itstimetoquit]

This thread is hard to read,this is not normal op,I couldn't and wouldn't live like this you need to put a stop to this x