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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

176 replies

Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 07:08

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 22:31

Thank you for your words of support. I feel very dramatic as things aren't awful. But they aren't good.
I'm very upset this evening. I just don't really know what to do/say.
I have some very long days at work from tomorrow, so I won't talk to dh about it now, but perhaps next week when I've had some time to think about what I'm going to say.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/10/2021 22:34

OP I hate to ask but how long have you been together and how old are you - it was noticeable in good you said faithful - which of course he is because he has worn

I dont think you are being dramatic - in many ways I think you are so downtrodden and broken down by it all you dont see how awful it is.

Because it truly is

Wauden · 13/10/2021 22:51

So sorry that it is like that and I do wish you all the best.

RosiePosieDozy · 13/10/2021 22:55

I don't like the sound of this. He sounds like a sex pest. I couldn't live like this. To not be able to cuddle your partner in case they want sex and you don't is really wrong.

The waking you up in the middle of the night makes me feel sick. He's like an animal.

He's not treating you like his wife who he loves but is using you for sex.

BrilloPaddy · 13/10/2021 23:04

This thread must be a tough read, OP Flowers

But I really hope it's given you some insight into the situation.

category12 · 13/10/2021 23:33

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

TheEvilPea · 14/10/2021 02:35

OP this is awful. SadI feel so sorry for you and it's concerning that you're minimising it in some comments, or laughing it off. Your husband is being abusive. You say you've discussed the situation many times and yet he continues these behaviours. It's time to leave. Aside from your own wellbeing, I would not want a 3 and 4 year old growing up with someone like that in their home.

FluffyWhiteBird · 14/10/2021 04:06

@Wedowonder

A few of you asking me why I don't put my foot down and say no.

I do, occasionally.

But he is so grumpy when I do. He often gives the silent treatment which kills me more every time.

(When I say silent treatment. He does speak and function, to speak about essential things with my children etc. But won't engage/pretends I'm not there and walks around with a miserable face for days.

When I write all this down, it sounds like he's a tyrant of a husband. In reality, he isn't awful. He's a good dad, faithful. I am likely making things sound worse than they are, because I am in the moment and frustrated/upset.

No, you're right, it is how it sounds. That's abuse. Coercive control. You're not choosing to have sex, you're doing it to avoid negative consequences. That's not consent and he is awful.
FluffyWhiteBird · 14/10/2021 04:12

feel very dramatic as things aren't awful

You're not dramatic. "Awful" is your normal now so you don't see it any more. But you feel it. It's why you started the thread.

Shoxfordian · 14/10/2021 06:01

He sounds emotionally abusive; he’s coercing you into sexual contact when he sulks if you say no. There’s a word for men like that. Don’t minimise this; it’s not ok, not normal.

smoko · 14/10/2021 06:09

OP can I ask

  • what happens when you’re ill?
  • how long would you say you could go without having sex (penetrative or oral sex) if you were ill?
  • does he touch you unwontedly in your sleep?
  • Does he grope you when walking past, or when you’re stuck somewhere like at the sink?
  • Do you tense when he walks past due to any groping behaviour?
  • if your husband told you the way you were touching him was unwanted or made him feel uneasy or unloved how do you think you would react/respond to this?
Oblomov21 · 14/10/2021 06:30

Sounds abusive to me. He's a pig. No wonder you don't like it.

Anothernick · 14/10/2021 07:57

Not sure if any other men have answered this but it's true that cuddling can lead to erections, this reaction is a natural process not entirely within a man's control, however what is in his control is to understand that his DP can't be expected to see cuddling as an inevitable prelude to sex. Erections don't have to lead anywhere. Most men learn this as teenagers. It's also true that a man's instinctive reaction after sex can be to roll over and go to sleep, or get up and do something else, but another early lesson men learn is that women MUST ALWAYS be cuddled after sex. A man who has not learned these two basic facts is not fully developed sexually and as other have said the OPs DH is completely out of order in his attitude.

billy1966 · 14/10/2021 09:16

@Wedowonder

Thank you for your words of support. I feel very dramatic as things aren't awful. But they aren't good. I'm very upset this evening. I just don't really know what to do/say. I have some very long days at work from tomorrow, so I won't talk to dh about it now, but perhaps next week when I've had some time to think about what I'm going to say.
Please call Womens aid as a safe place to unload frankly, and get a sympathetic ear.

No wonder you are very upset.

Yours is a very upsetting thread to read.

You poor woman.
Flowers

smoko · 14/10/2021 15:27

There’s worse things than being single & cheated on. Being sexually coerced / abused for one.

You know who is great for cuddles, company & protection? A dog.

smoko · 14/10/2021 15:32

You can also easily train a dog to not wildly hump your leg

Op

layladomino · 14/10/2021 16:57

Oh Op, I really feel for you.

It's really sad that your DH doesn't want to cuddle you / hug you for the sake of just that. It's a very different emptional experience to foreplay, and a way to be intimate, support each other emotionally, show you've got time for each other, that you enjoy being close (not in a sexual way) etc.

Whereas he's telling you that he doesn't see the point of being close to you if it doesn't end up in sex.

That's sad in itself. But then add to that the fact he knows it upsets you but still won't change - so he doesn't care that he's upsetting you either.

He is hellbent on servicing his sexual needs but doesn't think your emotional needs are important.

And even if he feels horny when you cuddle - so what? He seems to believe that if he feels horny then he's entitled to sex and you are obliged to go along with it. Can you see how wrong that is?? He feels he is entitled to sex when he wants it. Even if his wife doesn't. Even if it makes her feel worthless. Even whilst he's ignoring the fact he's not meeting her emotional needs.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/10/2021 17:21

Your husband is a vile bullying pig.

You really need some boundaries introducing op Flowers

Mix56 · 14/10/2021 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

toocold54 · 14/10/2021 19:42

I know you keep saying the relationship isn’t awful but honestly the intimacy is one of the best bits of a relationship and it makes me really sad that you can’t even cuddle your own partner!

Its also sad that he’s manipulated you so much that you regularly give him oral sex instead of having sex because you’re ‘too tired’ and not try to cuddle him afterwards as ‘that’s not what men do’ - I don’t think you even realise how manipulative he is.
Even if he doesn’t like cuddling all night he would spend some time doing it because you like doing it.

I think you should think about other aspects of your relationship and really think about whether things are on your terms or are they things that he’s made you think are on your terms but actually it’s all for him. So is he manipulative in other ways.

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2021 22:21

He’s not a nice man, is he? Manipulates you into giving him what he wants, gropes you, denies you any affection, just wants sex and sulks when you say no. Classic sex pest. Euw.

Viddy2021 · 15/10/2021 05:53

[quote whyamidoingthisamimad]@Viddy2021 sorry you misunderstood
I'm saying in what world is once a week and several times giving him other pleasure infrequent [/quote]
Sorry! Ok so we're in the same universe thenGrin

Mix56 · 15/10/2021 17:41

MNHQ, I said absolutely nothing worthy of deleting.
Simply asking if there are other abusive behaviours

Itstimetoquit · 18/10/2021 05:17

This thread is hard to read,this is not normal op,I couldn't and wouldn't live like this you need to put a stop to this x

DrPsychephrenia · 13/04/2025 08:47

It sounds like you are starting to feel symptoms of what is called the bristle effect/reaction/syndrome..its sometimes developed over time do to emotional and psychological intimacy deprivation and only used for sex ..its when your associating touch with sex because you've become aware of a consistent repetitive pattern that never failed at ending with the same outcome...so you might become burnout an start rejecting pulling away from touch because you know its not non-sexual affectionate intimacy..you learn its only horny touchy foreplay by someone that just wants sex ... it starts to make you feel like a used up disposable sex toy undeserving of true nonsexual physical affection and emotional psychological intimacy..like your only wanted for only good for and only used for sexual pleasure...your feelings dont matter feeling disregarded and invalidated ...it really sucks and causes intrusive indecisive contradictiving thoughts and emotions.. also can cause anxiousness depression loneliness can make some people aromatic demisexual