Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

[Wedowonder]

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

[Beefcurtains79]

Does he make you have sex on your period?

[smoko]

Your husband is a sex pest.

It sounds like you're not getting anything much out of the sexual interactions you do have.

Stop having sexual interactions you don't want. You don't exist to "service" him.

You feel used because you're being used. You feel a lack of intimacy because you could be any hole on legs (sorry to sound so crass)

Are you scared he will leave or cheat if you don't "give" him enough sex?

[ThorsLeftNut]

Once a week isn’t much? I don’t even think I see my husband long enough for it once a week never mind shag more than that 😂

[smoko]

@altmember Sex Pests don't give without receiving. If the OP wants to receive oral sex, she won't get out of the interaction without a 69 or having to provide it in return. Or it would just lead to penetrative sex.

It would not be his fault you see, as she's got him so worked up so it's her fault.

[TableFlowerss]

I couldn’t be bothered with him at all. What a nightmare that he can’t even have a cuddle without pestering you for sex.

If you’re doing sexual acts 3/4 times a week that’s more than the average I’d say so he’s lucky your partaking in that.

Tbh if I had the energy and desire for 3/4 time a week of fore play, I’d rather skip it and have sex lol

[Quartz2208]

I think you need to spell it out to him that this cuddle leading to a blow job is putting you off. It meets his needs but not yours and as such you are switching off. You are in a partnership raising children together and you feel that isn’t being taken into account and your needs aren’t being met. Yes you understand that he can’t help it but that is still him. Where do you appear in all of this.

It all sound mechanical. Quantity not quality with the latter along with intimacy lacking for you.

It all sounds a well sordid the kids are in bed quick cuddle so the wife gives me a blowjob all done let’s move on

[LittleGwyneth]

I am genuinely shocked by the people saying that sex once a week is infrequent. Having worked on women's magazines for the majority of my career, I've read a LOT of research on this, and once a week by national standards. According to a 2020 YouGov poll, around once a week (1.2-1.8) times a week is average, depending on your age (the higher end of the spectrum is people in their late teens to early twenties). So you're bang on normal.

He should be able to get horny without having to have sex with you. Being horny doesn't automatically entitle a person to sex. If he's having sexual contact 4/5 times a week then that sounds pretty generous to me.

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

Average doesn’t mean a lot though, does it. It means not infrequently but also not a lot. Perfectly average, in fact.

Those who have high sex drives (and there are plenty of women with high sex drives) will enjoy sex much more often, and those with very low sex drives will likely think weekly is far too often.

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

You aren't really 'having sex' several times a week. You're servicing his cock with your mouth because he's pressured you into doing it. Yes, non piv sex is still sex but what you're describing isn't mutual at all.

[julieca]

@LittleGwyneth I think a lot of people on MN have a distorted idea of what is average in lots of things. Yes once a week is average. But I am sure many think 5 times a week is average, £100k is an average wage, and 5 foreign holidays a year is average. Either that it most people lie here.

[Tal45]

Mismatched sex drives is the biggest deal breaker there is for me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted sex every time I touched him in anyway and was constantly horny. It would be like being with a dog on heat and I don't want to be constantly pawed at, I want a relationship that's about a lot more than just sex. Just the thought of it gives me the ick.

Do you do a lot of things together apart from have sex or is he just using you to get him off? Maybe when he gets in from work tell him to go sort himself out in the shower so you can have a nice evening together that doesn't involve him trying to constantly hump you. You need to talk properly about this and how it makes you feel and come up with a way to sort it out for both of you.

[billy1966]

He sounds just awful.

He sounds selfish and an absolute sex pest.

How you cannot feel utterly used by him is beyond me.

His sole focus are his needs.

Revolting.

My libido would vanish.

You sound very vulnerable OP, that you are tolerating this.

Be careful.

Womens aid are there for you if you have questions about how much pressure you are being put under.

[todaysdilemma]

I don't think it's normal for all physical touch to need to end in sex!!

My exH and current bf were/are both very affectionate men - lots of hugs, back rubs, cuddling on the sofa. And yes, they may have gotten aroused but didn't bring up sex unless it also seemed like I was responding to it. We also cuddle at night knowing we are both too knackered for sex and I would be livid to be woken up at night just to have sex WTF. Half dozing early morning sex when in sort of awake and responding yes. To be woken up for it explicitly is weird.

[Tal45]

[quote julieca]@LittleGwyneth I think a lot of people on MN have a distorted idea of what is average in lots of things. Yes once a week is average. But I am sure many think 5 times a week is average, £100k is an average wage, and 5 foreign holidays a year is average. Either that it most people lie here.[/quote]
Haha yeah that's MN for you.

[Quartz2208]

Sometimes I think it not understanding the difference between average and normal range of behaviours.

Once a week is probably an average and certainly not infrequent. But normal range could be from daily to monthly/two monthly.

The problem being that frequency is never the issues more that one persons needs are prioritised

[GoIntoTheLight]

It’s all about him and his cock, isn’t it? I don’t know how you bear that, especially with young children, it sounds exhausting and pressured.

[Owlink]

Far from being mere foreplay (I bet he's taught you to think this way) blow jobs are "more sex" than PIV sex, to me. You're his cum bucket 4 or 5 times a week. Really gross.

[Guetzlibache]

Have your "normal" once a week sex,the rest of the week leave him with a blow up doll in the bedroom and you sleep in the spare bedroom.When he is capable of giving you a hug without needing to "offload" you can share the bedroom again.

[Energy4You]

Why do you say YES to the BJ?

I would say NO tbh. No way you should somehow pay him for a cuddle with a BJ.

He is sounding more and more like a sex pest and you doing what he is asking for an easy life.

[TableFlowerss]

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Average doesn’t mean a lot though, does it. It means not infrequently but also not a lot. Perfectly average, in fact.

Those who have high sex drives (and there are plenty of women with high sex drives) will enjoy sex much more often, and those with very low sex drives will likely think weekly is far too often.

I agree average doesn’t mean it a lot, but I think it illustrates what is reasonable on a national level.

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

Any amount of sex is reasonable! One isn’t obligated to fulfil a certain quota...

(I know that’s not what you’re saying, of course. But it’s important to stress on this type of thread that it doesn’t matter if OP is above, below or exactly average - if she doesn’t want to have sex she shouldn’t be pestered into it. No one should demand sex from an unwilling partner.)

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Well it's quite simple isn't it. If he's such a twat he hasn't matured sexually past a 16 year old so that a cuddle makes him that horny, he'll have to go and have a wank every time won't he?

No decent mature bloke would be expecting a blowjob every time their wife wanted a cuddle. How utterly disgusting.

[QueenBee52]

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Well it's quite simple isn't it. If he's such a twat he hasn't matured sexually past a 16 year old so that a cuddle makes him that horny, he'll have to go and have a wank every time won't he?

No decent mature bloke would be expecting a blowjob every time their wife wanted a cuddle. How utterly disgusting.

agreed

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Well it's quite simple isn't it. If he's such a twat he hasn't matured sexually past a 16 year old so that a cuddle makes him that horny, he'll have to go and have a wank every time won't he?

No decent mature bloke would be expecting a blowjob every time their wife wanted a cuddle. How utterly disgusting.

Yes quite, and quoted again for emphasis!

[crumpet]

OP this sounds grim. Aside from anything the sheer lack of consideration for you and your needs says it all.

He doesn’t give a shit about whether or not you gain any pleasure from sex, it’s all about him. Nasty.