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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

176 replies

Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 07:08

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 14:31

Goodness this resonates.

The groaping the boobs and bum pisses me off. Theres nothing sweet and affectionate about it. Certainly not pleasant first thing in the morning when I'm still asleep/half asleep.

I have been jumping out of bed early too. To avoid the inevitable. As soon as I hear my children wake up, I'm out like a shot. Never have a lie in because lingering would not result in a morning kiss/snuggle, but sex/ pleasure of some kind and to be honest, I am too busy for that!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/10/2021 14:35

Can I ask a personal question - why do you put up with all of this? You needs and wants seem to have been bypassed

The more you write the more abusive it sounds

NichyNoo · 13/10/2021 14:40

Oral sex four times a week! You must have amazing lip and cheek muscles Shock And your DH sounds like an idiot by the way.

billy1966 · 13/10/2021 15:27

@Wedowonder

Goodness this resonates.

The groaping the boobs and bum pisses me off. Theres nothing sweet and affectionate about it. Certainly not pleasant first thing in the morning when I'm still asleep/half asleep.

I have been jumping out of bed early too. To avoid the inevitable. As soon as I hear my children wake up, I'm out like a shot. Never have a lie in because lingering would not result in a morning kiss/snuggle, but sex/ pleasure of some kind and to be honest, I am too busy for that!

You poor woman.

You are in a hugely sexually abusive relationship.

This is not normal nor healthy.

It reads like coercive sex to me.

He's mauling you.

Please call Womens Aid.

They will confirm this is abusive.

Are you stuck?
Do you work?

Do you actually want to remain with him?
For this to be your life?

That type of mauling will become noticeable to your children.

You have zero bodily autonomy.

Ffs, you aren't safe in your bed.

Please realise that this is abusive, coercive and so very wrong.

Keep posting.
Flowers

cheshirebloke · 13/10/2021 16:34

[quote smoko]@altmember Sex Pests don't give without receiving. If the OP wants to receive oral sex, she won't get out of the interaction without a 69 or having to provide it in return. Or it would just lead to penetrative sex.

It would not be his fault you see, as she's got him so worked up so it's her fault.[/quote]
Then she just says no, as is her right to do so. Just as she could refuse any of the current sexual interactions if she isn't happy to participate. If the husband won't take no for an answer then that's a consent issue, and more serious, but the way op is telling it is that she's ok with the sex, just frustrated with the lack of other physical intimacy.

whyamidoingthisamimad · 13/10/2021 17:43

Bloody hell once a week is infrequent
I must live in a parallel universe

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 17:44

@whyamidoingthisamimad

Bloody hell once a week is infrequent I must live in a parallel universe

you live a very different life to OP .. there's a difference

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 13/10/2021 17:46

Plus it’s not once a week. OP is servicing him sexually 4-5 times a week.

whyamidoingthisamimad · 13/10/2021 17:55

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Plus it’s not once a week. OP is servicing him sexually 4-5 times a week.
Exactly ffs
QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 18:02

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Plus it’s not once a week. OP is servicing him sexually 4-5 times a week.

yip

AmayaGirl · 13/10/2021 18:04

OP, why don't you say no or insist on reciprocation? You have a voice.
Are you scared of his reaction if you refuse to perform?
I simply cannot understand why you don't enforce boundaries here.
Utter madness.

TacoTues · 13/10/2021 18:10

Depends when we cuddle and how.

We cuddle a lot just in the day or on the sofa etc. That is genuinely just a cuddle. It's kissing that is more the 'danger' for my DH getting aroused.

Although I can't cuddle my DH in bed without at least getting 'poked' through our clothes. But we never pressure each other.

I think we're lucky in that our sex drives are pretty similar and whichever of us is in the mood isn't shy of letting the other know, but equally won't be a dick if the other doesn't fancy it.

Plenty of nights we cuddle without sex as we cuddle every night but only have sex on average twice a week (sometimes 4-5 times sometimes none) but will always cuddle/spoon at least a little as we go to bed an hour before we sleep and chat/read/watch TV.

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 18:15

@AmayaGirl

OP, why don't you say no or insist on reciprocation? You have a voice. Are you scared of his reaction if you refuse to perform? I simply cannot understand why you don't enforce boundaries here. Utter madness.

oh dear 😔

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 18:24

He sounds selfish to be honest. You have stated your needs and wants and I would be the same, lovely to cuddle up, hugs etc kisses without always having to lead to sex as that would put anyone off sex. I agree with what 'Somuddled' has said as lots of tenderness, affection etc while watching a movie. You need to tell your husband that affection is essential to your well being and if he keeps demanding sex if you even touch then he is a sex pest and selfish. As for waking you up in the night, that is not on, does he get up with the children and do his share in the house?

category12 · 13/10/2021 18:33

Grim, guy's a sex pest.

Do you get to orgasm? Cos if you're "servicing" him 4 times a week and not getting anything out of it yourself, plus lack of affection otherwise, he is really going to remove any interest you ever had in sex.

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/10/2021 18:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 18:50

Why don't you start demanding he give you orgasms all the time, with nothing in return and see if he likes it. You should be able to have a lay in bed without him always groping. Just tell him to f off as I would. You posting about this means there is an issue and you will really grow to resent him, so talk to him, he changes his ways or I would seriously think about my future.

CherryBlossomWinter · 13/10/2021 18:59

Personally I think way too much is blamed on high sex drives. It’s as if we are fixed in our sexual drives but it is so much more complicated. Sex is a learned behaviour as much as a inner need. That’s why men who watch too much porn are skewed sexually.

Your DH could absolutely learn that intimacy is fantastic without having to orgasm. He could choose to do that if he wanted. In fact intimacy without orgasm is pretty sexy! Well I think so. You take away that expectation and the freedom will probably mean you get time to feel more sexy yourself.

LannieDuck · 13/10/2021 19:44

Next time I would tell him he needs to go down on you before you'll do the same.

Viddy2021 · 13/10/2021 19:58

@whyamidoingthisamimad

Bloody hell once a week is infrequent I must live in a parallel universe
A universe without a three and four year old full time perhaps?
Shelddd · 13/10/2021 20:21

I would just like to say I have changed my opinion with the more information given that you are unilaterally pleasuring him multiple times a week with nothing being reciprocated. That's pretty exploitative. You shouldn't accept that. The love needs to go both way and if it's like 60/40 one way maybe it's okay, but right now its like 80/20 and that's incredibly unfair.

You should tell him to just go pleasure himself if he's horny, he doesn't need you to do it. He can just go relieve himself in the bathroom after you're done cuddling.

whyamidoingthisamimad · 13/10/2021 20:24

@Viddy2021 sorry you misunderstood
I'm saying in what world is once a week and several times giving him other pleasure infrequent

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/10/2021 20:33

@Wedowonder

Goodness this resonates.

The groaping the boobs and bum pisses me off. Theres nothing sweet and affectionate about it. Certainly not pleasant first thing in the morning when I'm still asleep/half asleep.

I have been jumping out of bed early too. To avoid the inevitable. As soon as I hear my children wake up, I'm out like a shot. Never have a lie in because lingering would not result in a morning kiss/snuggle, but sex/ pleasure of some kind and to be honest, I am too busy for that!

Don't think he doesn't realise why you are jumping out of bed, never getting a lie in. He knows, they always know. Its just one more benefit (always getting the lie in's) to being an abusive manipulative shit.
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2021 20:40

How many orgasms do you have a week compared to him? Because I'm getting a blowup doll vibe.

Maskless · 13/10/2021 21:13

@Pinklioness

He might not be able to hug you without getting an erection but that doesn't mean he has to do something about it. Despite myths propagated by selfish men, their balls don't fall off if they have an erection that doesn't lead to orgasm, otherwise teenage boys would not reach adulthood intact.

Say to him how it makes you feel (unwanted, a sex doll, there for his needs, whatever). Say it's a really important thing about how you feel in your marriage (I think intimacy without sex is really important!). Out of interest, is this the only aspect of your marriage in which he overrides your needs/wants?

^ This.

When I was young my boyfriend would get a hard on every time we held hands or kissed, on a bus, in the park, on a Tube, in the pub.... didn't mean we HAD to have sex just because there was a stiffy!