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Original poster

Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

176 replies

Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 07:08

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 21:15

A few of you asking me why I don't put my foot down and say no.

I do, occasionally.

But he is so grumpy when I do. He often gives the silent treatment which kills me more every time.

(When I say silent treatment. He does speak and function, to speak about essential things with my children etc. But won't engage/pretends I'm not there and walks around with a miserable face for days.

When I write all this down, it sounds like he's a tyrant of a husband. In reality, he isn't awful. He's a good dad, faithful. I am likely making things sound worse than they are, because I am in the moment and frustrated/upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 21:17

@category12

Grim, guy's a sex pest.

Do you get to orgasm? Cos if you're "servicing" him 4 times a week and not getting anything out of it yourself, plus lack of affection otherwise, he is really going to remove any interest you ever had in sex.

He does service me and makes sure I have a good time too.

There was a few comments about this. He is not selfish in bed in this way...
Just selfish that he does not want to touch/cuddle/talk in bed unless it's sex related

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/10/2021 21:21

So he emotionally abuses you with the silent treatment when he doesn't get whatvhe wants?

That is so wrong.
That is coercion OP.

dementedma · 13/10/2021 21:23

Once a week is infrequent? In the early days, probably. But as time goes on, no. My dh would have thought he was in heaven if it was once a week. I would have been in heaven to have a cuddle without an immediate expectation of sex. It destroyed us.

toocold54 · 13/10/2021 21:24

Why are you giving blowjobs and not having full sex?

I would happily have sex 5+ times a week but I’d get bored of giving blowhole extremely quickly if it wasn’t going to lead to sex. No way could I do it 4x a week. Maybe it’s different for everyone but I see that as foreplay.

I also think one of the best parts of a relationship is the intimacy of cuddling and holding each other.
Do you cuddle after sex?

toocold54 · 13/10/2021 21:26

There was a few comments about this. He is not selfish in bed in this way...
Just selfish that he does not want to touch/cuddle/talk in bed unless it's sex related

That is selfish.

Silenceisgolden20 · 13/10/2021 21:28

The silent treatment is abusive.
Your husband is sexually abusing you. He is not a good husband.

Original poster
Wedowonder · 13/10/2021 21:31

@toocold54

Why are you giving blowjobs and not having full sex?

I would happily have sex 5+ times a week but I’d get bored of giving blowhole extremely quickly if it wasn’t going to lead to sex. No way could I do it 4x a week. Maybe it’s different for everyone but I see that as foreplay.

I also think one of the best parts of a relationship is the intimacy of cuddling and holding each other.
Do you cuddle after sex?

Full sex 5 times a week? To be honest, after working and getting 2 pre schoolers to bed... There isn't really much time to even scroll mum'snet and Facebook. Oral sex is quicker and less messy!

Cuddling after sex feels false.
He's told me a few times that when a man finishes, it's human nature to want to be left alone.
(He says it stems from cave men times...time to move into impregnate the next female.)
He knows this is not acceptable and does give a short cuddle. But it doesn't feel very genuine, so I don't bother much these days with it.

Possibly my fault and I am making the issue worse.

OP posts:
Pemmican · 13/10/2021 21:31

So he punishes you if you refuse to suck his dick.

Open your eyes, OP.

This is not a good man. Time to get angry.

Pemmican · 13/10/2021 21:33

He's told me a few times that when a man finishes, it's human nature to want to be left alone.
(He says it stems from cave men times...time to move into impregnate the next female.)

Oh dear.

purpleflowerlegs · 13/10/2021 21:38

Cuddling after sex feels false.
He's told me a few times that when a man finishes, it's human nature to want to be left alone.
(He says it stems from cave men times...time to move into impregnate the next female.)
He knows this is not acceptable and does give a short cuddle. But it doesn't feel very genuine, so I don't bother much these days with it.

Jesus. He's got you right where he wants you. Extremely manipulative.

Buggritbuggrit · 13/10/2021 21:41

Cuddling after sex feels false.
He's told me a few times that when a man finishes, it's human nature to want to be left alone.
(He says it stems from cave men times...time to move into impregnate the next female.)
He knows this is not acceptable and does give a short cuddle. But it doesn't feel very genuine, so I don't bother much these days with it.

Sweet baby Jesus. What are you married to? I really want to give you a hug.

GoIntoTheLight · 13/10/2021 21:47

“Human nature to want to be left alone”.

Whoa OP - that makes me so sad. This isn’t some unconscious caveman thing (that evolutionary psychology bullshit has long been debunked anyway). It’s him placing his own needs way way above yours and punishing you if you neglect them.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2021 21:48

Oh you poor poor thing, no this isnt normal. You are bless you stuck in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship that clearly has you so worn out because you cant sleep without fear, you presumably have to service him as soon as the kids are asleep

Please contact womens aid to get some support here

And it is good that you work but awful that it seems that as soon as your kids are in bed and you have finished for the day you have to deal with his needs

Babymamamama · 13/10/2021 21:48

He’s a sex pest and a bully. The sulking thing is a classic sign. He doesn’t deserve more sex with you OP despite what PPs are saying, he deserves none in my eyes.

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 21:48

@billy1966

So he emotionally abuses you with the silent treatment when he doesn't get whatvhe wants?

That is so wrong.
That is coercion OP.

this is the truth OP ...

He manipulates everything to suit His needs .. His moods.. His silence.. all to condition you to do as He wishes..

its pitiful ... 🌸

Skysblue · 13/10/2021 21:53

Honestly OP yeah I have similar. He just isn’t interested in any kind of physical contact except sexual. No kissing, no cuddles, nothing unless it’s pre-sex :(

(He did actually once wake me up in the early hours hoping for sex. This did not go well for him and he certainly didn’t try that again!)

He has extremely uptight and affectionless parents who never cuddled him as a child, and I’m no psychologist but I guess that’s something to do it. Can’t express affection unless sexually 🤷‍♀️

Silenceisgolden20 · 13/10/2021 21:54

Stop giving the bjs. Let him sulk. Ignore it. Get angry. Tell him it's not acceptable.
Think of you, stop thinking of him. He's not the king ffs with demands and you do as he says. Tell him what a man child he's being. How can you possibly be attracted to such a twat? You've been conditioned to accept it. You don't have to, you really don't.

Isthisit22 · 13/10/2021 21:54

He is using you like a sex doll.
It is very hard to read. I hope this thread can help you start to find strength to get rid of this awful sexual abuser

Buggritbuggrit · 13/10/2021 21:56

@Skysblue

Honestly OP yeah I have similar. He just isn’t interested in any kind of physical contact except sexual. No kissing, no cuddles, nothing unless it’s pre-sex :(

(He did actually once wake me up in the early hours hoping for sex. This did not go well for him and he certainly didn’t try that again!)

He has extremely uptight and affectionless parents who never cuddled him as a child, and I’m no psychologist but I guess that’s something to do it. Can’t express affection unless sexually 🤷‍♀️

Have you addressed this with him? Is he making any effort to address it himself? Or do you not mind?
Beebababadabo · 13/10/2021 22:02

The more I read about your husband the more I feel sick 🤢 Sorry Op.

Pashazade · 13/10/2021 22:09

Total rubbish, he only cares about himself. My DH always always cuddles up after sex. We are very affectionate with each other, sex life is irregular but good when it happens. It makes my skin crawl and makes me feel very sad that you can't have any affection without it becoming sexual. Tell him to grow up and be a decent human being. I'd tell him you've had enough of being treated like an object. If he can't stop then simply stop doing anything around the house for him, sex dolls can't cook or operate the washing machine can they! I'd be taking a long hard look at your relationship as it really doesn't sound as if it's in a healthy place.

RantyAunty · 13/10/2021 22:09

He's a sex pest and bully and it's not ok.
He's withholding affection and expecting you to service him.
This is beyond him having a high sex drive but selfish and controlling.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 13/10/2021 22:10

OP this is upsetting and you sound vulnerable/resigned to this.

Unless I'm mistaken the situation is:

  • Sex once a week and you have to service him with oral sex around 3/4 times on top of this per week.
  • he doesn't return this favour to you.
  • he gropes you to the point where you feel the need to not initiate contact for fear it'll lead to the expectation of sex./feel the need to get straight out of bed
  • he used to wake you up at night to relieve his needs

He seems coercive and abusive at the highest, and at the very least inconsiderate of the fact that you have children and are probably knackered/being touched all day long/busy.

He sounds nasty and selfish, and I'm sorry to say it but a bit of a pig.

Wauden · 13/10/2021 22:19

@Wedowonder

A few of you asking me why I don't put my foot down and say no.

I do, occasionally.

But he is so grumpy when I do. He often gives the silent treatment which kills me more every time.

(When I say silent treatment. He does speak and function, to speak about essential things with my children etc. But won't engage/pretends I'm not there and walks around with a miserable face for days.

When I write all this down, it sounds like he's a tyrant of a husband. In reality, he isn't awful. He's a good dad, faithful. I am likely making things sound worse than they are, because I am in the moment and frustrated/upset.

The silent treatment was a big issue with one MNetter and it was part of a wider problem.