Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

[Wedowonder]

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

[Rainbowheart1]

Have you spoken to him about it? His not a mind reader, tell him you don’t feel that there is enough intimacy and he needs to sort it out

[Wedowonder]

Yes of course we have spoken about it many times 😁

He says something along the lines of "I can't touch you without getting horny"

[Pinklioness]

He might not be able to hug you without getting an erection but that doesn't mean he has to do something about it. Despite myths propagated by selfish men, their balls don't fall off if they have an erection that doesn't lead to orgasm, otherwise teenage boys would not reach adulthood intact.

Say to him how it makes you feel (unwanted, a sex doll, there for his needs, whatever). Say it's a really important thing about how you feel in your marriage (I think intimacy without sex is really important!). Out of interest, is this the only aspect of your marriage in which he overrides your needs/wants?

[Branleuse]

Theyre shooting themselves in the foot with this approach. Its much sexier and flirty to be able to have snogs and cuddles that are just that without any pressure

[Kittykat93]

Jesus the comments on here saying it's not much and is it possible for the op to do more??? They have sexual activity around 5 times a week, that's plenty enough ffs. Everytime she wants to hug or kiss her partner it shouldn't have to be followed by a blowjob or whatever, yuck!

[TheAverageUser]

I don't think it's normal, it's important for couples to have intimacy in other ways - cuddles, kissing, hand holding etc.. that doesn't lead to sex. It's a different type of intimacy plus it would annoy me that he would always have it lead to more.

[hahahawhatchalaughinat]

He sounds controlling and manipulative.

[nellly]

@SoundBar

My DH has said this too.

The difference is, he doesn't pester me for sex or make a fuss over it.

My DH is able to cuddle me with a raging stiffy, and not force me into any kind of sexual contact. It stays in his trousers because he's an adult who can control himself.

Personally I fucking hate it, I swear to God it wasn't like this pre-DC. However, at least my DH still fancies me and will cuddle me if I ask.. so it could be worse.

This is the exact same as our house, virtually every hug longer than a few seconds will set him off, it does kind of irritate me even though i know he can't help it. I do try to take it as a compliment.

He's very respectful though and will carefully position himself so it's not poking me and won't acknowledge it or mention it unless i indicate that I specifically would like things to lead to sex.
It's your DH attitude that's the problem not the hard on.
Whether sex once a week is a lot is neither here nor there you don't get to pester someone into it

[hahahawhatchalaughinat]

If he pressures you for sex then he is prioritising his desire over your autonomy. He is disrespecting you OP and sounds unloving.

[Pemmican]

So - in return for a cuddle you have to suck his cock?

What a prince.

[Chloemol]

@sospspsp

I don't think sex once a week is very much.
Can you have an agreement to have more sex, but only every other day...so you can cuddle without it leading to sex on the non-sex days?

What a revolting post, doing something you don’t want to do ( once a week seems fine for the op) just so you can have a cuddle

Why should the husband be catered for, but not the op

What a selfish man. Talk to him, tell him you want hugs and cuddles that don’t turn to sex, that your feelings and wants are just as valid as him, and that he is being selfish

[Beefcurtains79]

“ Kittykat93

Jesus the comments on here saying it's not much and is it possible for the op to do more??? They have sexual activity around 5 times a week, that's plenty enough ffs. Everytime she wants to hug or kiss her partner it shouldn't have to be followed by a blowjob or whatever, yuck!”

I know, it’s fucking hideous isn’t it.

[JudgementalCactus]

@Guavaf1sh

But once a week IS infrequent. If you think him wanting it more often implies he has a high sex drive I can see the issue

It's not once a week if he's getting blowjobs and handjobs every other day!

Being sexually intimate 5x a week sounds infrequent to you? Really?!

[Quartz2208]

@Wedowonder

Yes of course we have spoken about it many times 😁

He says something along the lines of "I can't touch you without getting horny"

So what it doesn’t have to lead anywhere it’s just a cuddle

He isn’t listening to you and your needs does

[JudgementalCactus]

@Unanananana

Anyone that woke me up to use me as a wank sock would lose their balls.

I wouldn't want 'more regular' sex with someone who thought it ok to deprive me of sleep.

Amen!

[SortingItOut]

Is the oral sex for both of you or is it you giving him a blow job every time?

If the latter then it's hugely one sided and sounds like sexual coercion.

[JudgementalCactus]

@Wedowonder

Yes of course we have spoken about it many times 😁

He says something along the lines of "I can't touch you without getting horny"

And your answer to that should be "there is no law that entitles you tu sex every single time you are horny. Deal with it!"

[Palavah]

Very often on here an apparent mismatch in libido us actually a symptom of one partner not pulling their weight at home so the other partner is too shattered for sex.

Is it possible that's at play here?

I agree he should be able to cuddle you without demanding sex (not unusual though for men to associate any physical contact with a build - up to sex. Not saying he shouldn't get turned on, just that he should be able to handle it).

Waking you up for sex is NOT on.

[Darceyhemingway]

We cuddle way more than we have sex. We have sex once every couple of months. We just don't have high sex drives. I'm 8 months pregnant now and we've had it twice this whole pregnancy. But we're on the same page and it works for us.

[Salayes]

I don’t think it’s good to have someone say all physical affection and intimacy needs to lead to sexual activity. Physical touch is so important to so many people but physical touch can take many forms.

Many times people want to hold each other, touch each other, be around each other, without it necessarily morphing into a sexual act (be it PIV or a blowjob or similar).

To me it seems like the high sex drive is a red herring, it’s more an issue that for him touch with his partner must always lead to a sexual act - and if it doesn’t it isn’t on offer. That seems very unbalanced to me.

I love sex and am very tactile - but i’d stop feeling tactile if i felt i could only be physically close to my partner if it was going to lead to sex. What about other forms of touch and intimacy?

[TrueRefuge]

I understand OP, I can't imagine not being able to have a cuddle in the kitchen, or a quick kiss between work calls, or lying on the sofa together with some physical closeness. That's an important part of the relationship to you, and I think you need to share that with your partner or you will resent him, and the act of sex (because you'll feel you're giving what he wants but not receiving what you want). It's totally reasonable to ask for these things without him expecting sex. He can feel aroused and not act on it. Unless he's 14, then it's a different story. But I'm assuming he's a fully grown male who realises that a) sex is not the be all and end all of life, and b) that he doesn't just get to have sex with someone whenever the desire takes him. I find his actions pretty self-serving and manipulative, actually.

It sounds lonely, I'm sorry OP.

And for what it's worth, if you're DTD in some form 3-5 times a week, I think that's pretty good going and can't really be grumbled at! (Caveat: I have a pretty low sex drive myself).

[Polmuggle]

By any chance, is the oral sex just you giving to him? Or does he also make sure you orgasm every time?

[starrynight21]

My ex was like that. Even when I was initiating our separation, I gave him a quick impulsive hug one day and he immediately got an erection. It reminded me of how off-putting he was in that way. Like he never got over the teenage sex urges.

I feel sorry for you OP, I know how horrible it is to know that "he can't hug without that happening". Ugh.

[BigFatLiar]

We like cuddles doesn't lead to sex, its .just nice to be cuddled. Often just sitting in front of the telly watching a program and having a cuddle, its nice. We both have our own chair but we know that if we sit on the sofa its an invite to the other to come for a cuddle. Makes me feel loved without the hassle of sex.