Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

[Wedowonder]

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

[TheUnbearable]

I think what your missing is feeling cared for due to no cuddling. It’s pure affection with no strings attached.

There is no standard normal it’s what works for a couple and if it’s mismatched it can be very destructive. Plus at different times in a long relationship the frequency can change. Lack of sleep when dc are babies, work, health reasons etc.

Being woken up for sex is not on all.

[altforvarmt]

@SortingItOut

Is the oral sex for both of you or is it you giving him a blow job every time?

If the latter then it's hugely one sided and sounds like sexual coercion.

Yes, I'm also getting the impression that use of the term foreplay is a coy way of saying he gets 3-4 blowjobs a week, plus PIV sex.

OP, is the sex mutually pleasing, or are you just satisfying his needs 4-5 days a week? It makes a big difference to your cuddle question.

[Energy4You]

What happens if you say NO when he wants a BJ/whatever because you were cuddling but aren’t up for sex (and a BJ etc.. is still sex in my world)?

Would he get grumpy/annoyed etc…?

And are you happy to do something sexual for him every day? Because I’m getting that right? He is getting a release but you’re not getting anything out of those 4 days when you are sexual but not doing PIV?

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

@Wedowonder

Yes, just to clarify.
We do do oral sex etc probably 4+ times a week. (I called it foreplay by mistake)
PIV once a week minimum.

When you say 'we do oral' do you mean you suck his cock at his request?

[Pky45]

Just to put the other side across, I’m a52 yr old male, probably had sex twice in the last 4 years or so, I cuddle my wife each night in bed and it never leads to anything anymore..so sad.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Wedowonder

Yes of course we have spoken about it many times 😁

He says something along the lines of "I can't touch you without getting horny"

I think he needs a stern talking to, tbh, this is childish and it sounds like he's being allowed to get away with it like he's a little cheeky chappy.

It doesn't matter if he gets horny, he doesn't HAVE to have sex because he's aroused. And you should be able to touch your husband without always having to have sex with him, you need the intimacy and connection to even enjoy the sex when it happens.

I would talk to him about it. Perhaps compromise by aiming to have full sex more often, but also to cuddle without having sex more often.

[Salayes]

@Pky45

Just to put the other side across, I’m a52 yr old male, probably had sex twice in the last 4 years or so, I cuddle my wife each night in bed and it never leads to anything anymore..so sad.

That is sad, but with respect, how is the exact opposite problem any help to the OP? You’re getting lots of non sex tactile experience and missing sexual activity but the OP is getting lots of only sex related tactile experience. So why are you sharing? Are you trying to say at least she’s getting some while you’re not because that’s not very helpful is it?

[timeisnotaline]

I’d ask him when you were a teenager and getting erections in random places like class the bus stop, did you immediately pull your pants down and attend to it? Now you’re an adult, and your wife would like a cuddle. Not sex, a cuddle. Unless you have even less self control than your teen self you can manage that surely? If you say no I’m just going to assume you can’t be bothered because how I feel doesn’t matter and if there’s no sexual activity you just think there’s nothing in it for you to spend time with me. Which is hardly a marriage. Friends with benefits level maybe.

[Wedowonder]

"I think what your missing is feeling cared for due to no cuddling. It’s pure affection with no strings attached."

This is correct exactly

"...because how I feel doesn’t matter and if there’s no sexual activity you just think there’s nothing in it for you to spend time with me. "
You have hit the nail on the head. I will ask him the question in your post.

I feel like he sees no point in cuddling if there's nothing in it for him.

"Yes, I'm also getting the impression that use of the term foreplay is a coy way of saying he gets 3-4 blowjobs a week, plus PIV sex."
100%. I should have been more clear in my OP.
Whilst we only have penetrative sex approx once (sometimes more) a week. We do have other forms of sex most days.
We also have a 3 and 4 year old. They both sleep pretty well though. So not much of a factor other than being busy tired mum like everyone else 😁

[Wedowonder]

"So - in return for a cuddle you have to suck his cock?"

😂 yes exactly this!
He starts with a cuddle, but it always progresses. When I say always. I mean 100% of the time.

I'm just a bit bored of it. I can't be bothered with sex everytime I want to touch my husband. (Evenings only obviously, as we do have busy working lives/children etc)

[BrilloPaddy]

Bloody hell, OP, I'm exhausted just thinking about all that effort.

He sounds like a sex pest, sorry.

My libido would shrivel up instantly.

[aSofaNearYou]

So are you saying the oral sex being one way only theory is correct?

That makes him sound far worse. This man isn't even offering you non sexual intimacy and connection, you really need to pull back on giving him four blow jobs a week if that's what you're doing!

It's all extremely one sided. He needs to get that you will feel like giving him a blowjob if you feel generally close and appreciated. That isn't happening atm.

[Quartz2208]

So what would happen if it progressed and said no OP and do you cuddle him first

This all seems very one sided sex pest, he wont listen to you and your needs are not respected at all.

I think you need to talk to him OP because your needs are being met at all - one sided blow jobs, no intimacy and a sense of expectation arent good foundations

[JudgementalCactus]

@BrilloPaddy

Bloody hell, OP, I'm exhausted just thinking about all that effort.

He sounds like a sex pest, sorry.

My libido would shrivel up instantly.

I would feel exactly the same.

You are being much too understanding, OP. Time to draw some boundaries.

[Beefcurtains79]

Was he your first partner? This isn’t normal and he sounds like a dog, not an adult human being.
How have you been putting up with this for years? Has he always been like this? 🤢

[PrivacyPrettyPlease]

@Wedowonder

Yes of course we have spoken about it many times 😁

He says something along the lines of "I can't touch you without getting horny"

Ahhh the old “it’s your fault I can’t cuddle you without wanting sex”.

OP I’ve spent years telling DH “I just want to be held”.
He gave me a similar response. Impossible for him to hug me without grabbing my arse, shoving his hand up the back of my top to rub bare skin, grind his hard on into my crotch because I’m so beautiful/sexy/I love you so much.

Had MN been around years ago I would have divorced him. Instead I thought it was my lower sex drive that was the issue and that all men would be the same. I’ve only fairy recently learned that they’re not.

I now cannot stand to be touched at all and at the weekend I dash out of bed before he can reach and grab for me, I go to bed early to avoid him and complain that he snores so he goes in the spare room.

He isn’t going to change.
All the 😁😁😁 in your posts don’t fool me that you are happy with him.

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

Sex once a week isn’t much at all. But that’s entirely beside the point.

If he gets horny that’s fine - he can sort himself out unless you’re in the mood for sex too in which case woo hoo! It is not ok for him to expect that cuddling should always lead to sex, and being horny is not some kind of ‘I want X, so I must have it’ situation.

My husband and I have a lot of good sex and luckily we’re very well matched in terms of libido. But we absolutely can snuggle, cuddle, kiss and be intimate and if either of us isn’t up for sex that’s okay, it’s a totally different thing and one doesn’t exist as a function toward the other. I would not appreciate being made to feel like a sex appliance.

[Bookworm20]

After reading your update, no this is not normal.

So basically he only cuddles you so it leads to him getting a blow job. Does it ever lead to him just pleasing you?

So if you were to say, lets just cuddle for a bit, what would he do? Stop cuddling? Get the huff?

Physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship, at least for me, and that includes cuddling, kissing without it having to lead to sexual intimacy. That would be so exhausing and quite honestly it would make me way less interested in sex with my partner because it would feel like thats all he wanted. It would feel very uncaring.

Great that he gets turned on while cuddling you. But I think thats pretty normal, surely. Whats not normal is him telling you he can't control himself and you need to suck his dick. Its like its a transaction for him. wheres the love?

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

@Wedowonder

"So - in return for a cuddle you have to suck his cock?"

😂 yes exactly this!
He starts with a cuddle, but it always progresses. When I say always. I mean 100% of the time.

I'm just a bit bored of it. I can't be bothered with sex everytime I want to touch my husband. (Evenings only obviously, as we do have busy working lives/children etc)

That’s not funny at all. In fact it’s quite horrible.

[Bypassed21]

At best your husband is being annoying - at worst he's being sexually coercive. Which ever way you look at it this isn't good. I imagine your situation has crept up on you over the years and gradually his behaviour has become routine and you've obvs got used to it - thinking its normal.
I was once in your situation - where I daren't touch my husband because I knew it would lead to sex I didn't want. My guess is the routine you've created has developed from your husband viewing the blow jobs as a compromise to not having full sex?
He's putting his needs above yours. I imagine the sex is not the only area in life where his wants are somehow more often accommodated than yours.
If you carry on like this i'm afraid your resentment will build, and how you feel about your husband will spiral down into a place where there is no way back. Sorry to be blunt but that's likely to be the reality. Somehow you need to get him to back off and both of you need to rebuild your sex life into something that is more pleasurable and fulfilling for you both. Stop focussing on the frequency (thats for him to do too) and focus instead on both of you being satisfied.

Unfortunately my situation was never resolved and he's now my EX husband.

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

Also...giving him a blowjob is sex. You’re having sex 5 x weekly which is a lot. If he’s still pestering you he’s well out of order! (He’s out of order for pestering you at all, tbf. You’re not a sex appliance. Your sexual appetite and what you want and don’t want matters just as much as his!)

[HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]

Just out of interest...do you get to come every time? Does he make sure to be considerate of your pleasure in this?

[Bookworm20]

I was once in your situation - where I daren't touch my husband because I knew it would lead to sex I didn't want.

I was too, with my EX partner. Got to the point where I didn't dare touch him. I thought it was me being odd, but now I'm out of that situation it was because it was always about that and sometimes I just wanted to cuddled and feel loved and safe.
Thankfully I got rid eventually and am now with my current DP who makes me feel loved without demanding sex. I mean he does mention it every now and then, hes a man still after all, but there is no sense of pressure at all, ever. Current DP gets wayyyy more sexual intimacy than Ex DP did because its not demanded every 5 seconds or that pressure with every touch and I feel so much more wanted and safer with him. It makes me want him, if that makes sense.

[julieca]

I would hate this OP. My DP and I touch, cuddle etc multiple times a day. I don't want to have sex that often! But I like the fact we touch a lot.

[altmember]

Just cuddle him and then tell him you're not in the mood for sex (including a blowjob). Don't back down. He can always sort himself out if he needs to.

Or cuddle him and then tell him it's his turn to give oral.

Or cuddle him at times when sex isn't an option - when he's about to head out for work, when you're out in public.

Keep doing it until you retrain him to not associate cuddling with sex every time. That he has a higher sex drive is another issue entirely.