BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

@VanGoSunflowers

OP, it wouldn’t matter if you’d let him do this 99 times and then on the 100th you’d said you didn’t want him to. Previous consent is not blanket consent. You have every right to feel the way you do. Having said that, his behaviour afterwards was positive - if he had attacked you afterwards and not tried to see it from your side and not apologised, I’d be saying LTB… so for me, and this is only me, I could probably move past it.

However, I am a different person to you with a different history so if you feel you cannot move past it then that is totally your right.

Totally agree

@Annasgirl

I really cannot believe how many male tape apologists are in a site for women, by women. Is it any wonder we cannot convict on rape, any wonder men can get away with murder by using the ‘she consented to rough sex’ defense when even WOMEN blame other women for the indefensible actions of men?

OP, your body is telling you all you need to know, we have gut reactions as a way of protecting ourselves. If I were in your shoes I would get the MAP and never see this man again. No explanation needed.

He didn’t rape her clearly. It was consensual sex and he got carried away and should have put a condom on. There are no rape apologists on this thread.

@Catlover1970 she did nit consent to sex without a condom. That is rape. You're a disgrace.

He is struggling? That alone tells all.

Please don't have anything more to do with this selfish, self centered man. Your deserve much more!

He didn’t rape her clearly. It was consensual sex and he got carried away and should have put a condom on. There are no rape apologists on this thread.

You need to educate yourself on what consent is.

Wow. Your last update is so telling. He's pushing and pushing to talk to you so he can offload all of his feelings, and not one mention about you? Absolutely fucking vile.

Coercion is not consent.

Someone saying they don’t want a particular sexual act to happen is not consent.

Two ways in which this encounter was not consensual.

@2018SoFarSoGreat

He is struggling? That alone tells all.

Please don't have anything more to do with this selfish, self centered man. Your deserve much more!

Agree the fact that this is all still about his feelings tells you OP all you need to know about him. There is still no mention of you in any of this

OP - there are red flags all over this.

So much of this ongoing situation are things that women with healthy self-esteem, boundaries, sense of self and what they deserve just wouldn’t hesitate to reject.

You are waiting, waiting, hesitating and it’s boggling to me that you would hang around like this. Just why?

He’s not a good person. Plenty of men are good people.

Do your own dignity of sense of self a favour and bin him off. Why wouldn’t you?

[quote Porridgealert]@Overreactionmaybe. You have received a lot of differing opinions from posters but really only you know what happened and how it felt. No one can, or should, tell you what to do. That would be no different from a boyfriend telling you what to do. People on here might say they'd leave or they'd stay but they're not in your situation. We all like to think how we'd act under certain circumstances but it's amazing when an instance arises how things aren't quite so clear cut. Only you know what your relationship is like and whether it's worth giving it a second chance. If, however, he has, in your opinion, overstepped the mark, then there's always a risk he might do it again. Or he might not. Every relationship comes with a certain amount of risk.
From your posts you're concerned that you can't spot aberant behaviour. To be honest, that's always harder when you're involved with someone than not. You said that you didn't like to say no because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. I don't know how you have got to the position in life that his feelings are more important than yours. Intellectually you know they're not but your heart allows it to happen. I think that would be a good place to start. Learn how to say no, mean it and carry through.
Take some time for yourself and all the best.[/quote]
This is the most rational response I’ve seen on here.

I texted him last night to say I was upset he hadn’t even offered to cover the cost. I have spent £50 on the MAP since November through no fault of my own. I’m angry that I have all the side effects (cramps, headaches, cycle being messed up etc) and the financial burden. He replied to say he didn’t want to offend me and will send me the money. I know the money is not the main issue here but I’m much more offended he didn’t make the offer until I forced the issue.

@Catlover1970

'He got carried away' = apologist for a man ignoring the wishes of his sexual partner, wishes she clearly expressed and reiterated.

You've minimised it repeatedly and it's frankly embarrassing.

If he cannot control himself to the point he's finishing inside her when she explicitly told him she did not want him to do so, he is not mature enough / doesn't have enough self control to be having sex at all.

You need to read up on consent. Men getting 'carried away' is not good enough. Phrases like that minimise this behaviour and make women think men can't help themselves. It's a very slippery slope from there to excusing a variety of sexual assaults.

It leads to things like "Went back to his house to have sex and changed your mind at the last minute with all your clothes off? He wouldn't stop and had sex with you anyway? Well you did go back to his, say you'd have sex and take your clothes of so he just got carried away in the moment, you gave mixed signals." When in actual fact, it's only your most recent signal that counts, no matter what has been said before.

No means no. She said no to him FINISHING without a condom. He did it anyway.

No. Means. No.

@Catlover1970

I think the poor guy got excited in the moment and forgot himself. He is very sorry and I think you should chalk it down to a mistake that he didn’t mean to make. Hope you are ok and can move on from it together xxx

He didn't forget himself he forgot her. In fact worse than that, he ignored her and her clearly laid down boundaries.

Maybe you should watch the tea video.

@Overreactionmaybe

I texted him last night to say I was upset he hadn’t even offered to cover the cost. I have spent £50 on the MAP since November through no fault of my own. I’m angry that I have all the side effects (cramps, headaches, cycle being messed up etc) and the financial burden. He replied to say he didn’t want to offend me and will send me the money. I know the money is not the main issue here but I’m much more offended he didn’t make the offer until I forced the issue.

He gets worse with every post. Cut your losses.

@Catlover1970 if she had said stop for any other reason like it hurt, and he "forgot himself" and carried on, would that be rape? What if she fought him off instead of freezing? What if he had stealthed her and slipped the condom off once he started?

In all the scenarios the OP would have had sex she hadn't consented to.

You are an absolute disgrace honestly. If you don't understand consent don't keep commenting.

"The poor guy got excited..."

How about the poor woman got sperm inside her without her consent, and risked an unwanted pregnancy, and had to get emergency contraception at her cost plus the not so nice side effects on her body?

Who's to be sympathised with here?

@Catlover1970

I think the poor guy got excited in the moment and forgot himself. He is very sorry and I think you should chalk it down to a mistake that he didn’t mean to make. Hope you are ok and can move on from it together xxx

He didn't forget himself. He forgot his partner. He forgot she is a real human being and not just an object to use for his gratification. The "poor guy" indeed.

I feel for you @Overreactionmaybe

It certainly isn't an overreaction. The fact you were OK with it the night before is not relevant. You had had a drink and I can see that once sober the next day you would think differently.

Him being lost in the moment and 'not able' to stop - noone can think that's OK. No means no. You had an agreement and he broke it. It is not your fault for 'freezing' He ignored your request.

I think you really need to think about why you've been putting his feelings ahead of yours (your comments about his ED and feeling you can't spoil the moment).

The fact he needs to talk about his feelings now - does he really think this is about his feelings??

No, once a rapist always a rapist

I disagree. People do change - believe me, I know. Also, perhaps I’m a bit too old fashioned but I thought relationships were about more the just sex.
Some work on communication is needed here. 🤔

@skodadoda

No, once a rapist always a rapist

I disagree. People do change - believe me, I know. Also, perhaps I’m a bit too old fashioned but I thought relationships were about more the just sex.
Some work on communication is needed here. 🤔

Sex is the time you are generally the most vulnerable. If you can't trust your partner not to violate your trust sexually then you're better off out of the relationship

I think no work on communication is needed as he perfectly well understand the OP but decided to completely ignore what she had been very clear and vocal about.

Of course relationships are about more than sex. But if you can't trust someone during sex when can you trust them? If he ignores her feelings and boundaries during sex, when else will he ignore them?

If he'd gambled away her life savings, would you say 'but relationships are about more than just money'?

@skodadoda

No, once a rapist always a rapist

I disagree. People do change - believe me, I know. Also, perhaps I’m a bit too old fashioned but I thought relationships were about more the just sex.
Some work on communication is needed here. 🤔

She communicated very clearly that she did NOT want him to finish inside her without a condom. She also reiterated it.

This is not a mutual communication issue, he ignored her wishes because he didn't want to stop. That's a 'man not respecting no / don't do that' during sex issue.

I can't believe people are defending this and making out OP is partly to blame.

She was clear. He ignored her wishes and she froze.

It's no wonder so many women are confused about sexual boundaries and put up with them being trampled over with these attitudes. So sad.

This thread is not about OP's sexual satisfaction.
It's about respect for her and her body.

BTW, rape is not about sex, it's about power. This was about power. His wishes. His way. No consideration for her.

@RugCarpet22

First thing you need to do is to go get a morning after pill (if you don't want to risk pregnancy) and then have a good think. Maybe have a chat with your boyfriend about boundaries, and also see how he reacts with the subject. If he reacts the way you'd expect, then maybe its an issue you can work through. I feel sometimes when it comes to relationships it can be so confusing if you get mixed messages (especially mid-sex), and you as a couple must navigate and agree on the issues of contraception and sex. You decide your boundaries, and only you know if it was miscommunication or not. Go with your gut.

Very sensible. I would agree with this